Day 2 (Or Why Tentacle Hentai Is Bad For Your Health)
"When faced with the unknown, bring a dictionary."
— Albert Eindouche, Earth Z-420
When we stepped into the unknown for the second time today, I expected a little more blood. You know, red vines snaking through the clouds, complete with hearts pumping where the white fluffy things should have been—exactly like an Incursion or a middle-schooler's idea of an edgy paradise. Either that, or a sex dungeon filled to the brim with whips or chains or something.
"Aaaaaand it's pink," I said, rubbing my eyes. "It's motherfucking Pink. With a capital P. Because why not."
The honest-to-goodness unicorn neighed in reply, the sound carried by the rustling of leaves.
"'Tis most... confounding indeed," Fiona said, already crouched over the thick grass and poking a shrub—a pink shrub with swirls like cotton candy. She plucked a leaf off and chomped on it, moaning in delight. "This... bush of the candy is most interesting."
Well, the entire place was. Cotton candy stood in place of shrubbery and trees, the ice-cream clouds dripping with milk. The milk flowed down a river and into a waterfall over the horizon. Butter-coconut teased my nose—and it wasn't from the Heroine beside me. Probably not from Akane or Blake either, with the duo scratching their heads as they looked around the Dungeon.
If it even was a Dungeon.
Hey, Guide. We're not lost in some funky rated-G parallel universe, are we? Either that or I'm just high and the portal spat us out somewhere else.
"No. This is the Dungeon—with capital D. I do not understand your confusion."
Well excuse me for expecting more edginess.
Bloodsword much?
"Not what you were expecting to see, huh?" Akane said.
"I was expecting a little bit more Cthulhu-ey," I said, twisting my tongue around the word. "I don't suppose you've already been—"
The unicorn snarled, razor-sharp fangs peeking out of its cute little maw. Its eyes glowed purple as it neighed, "None may speak the name of The Great One—with capitals T, G, and O!"
"Errr... yeah. Talking unicorns," I said, Crocea Mors rasping as I drew its blade. "My Little Pony much?"
Fiona gasped, staring at the unicorn with bulging eyes. "Guardian! Did the unicorn just utter the most blasphemous of words?"
Akane brandished her katana, the steel glinting red. "You heard right, princess. Not every day you see a talking unicorn, yeah?"
"Neighhhhh!" the unicorn said, raising its hooves. "This one is a calthrop, a noble beast of The Great One, and not merely a unicorn. Now"—it growled, its eyes blazing—"prepare yourselves!"
The calthrop leapt with the rage of a thousand unicorns—boom. Sheafs of grass bent, flattening as the sudden wind tousled my fringe.
Yikes. Hell hath no fury like a unicorn scorned, apparently.
Akane lashed out with her katana just before it could tear us a new one.
The air vibrated, tingling over my skin—and the unicorn flopped and tumbled, rolling on its stomach. It crashed into a cotton-candy tree and neighed out a groan.
Neat. Being a Spellsword must've given her some nifty tricks. That, or staying in the Mage class for more than a day.
I'm starting to think an Ascension on my first day on the job is more trouble than it's worth, but oh well.
"We must proceed, Guardian."
Geez, okay, fine. Moving on.
Observe.
Prancing Pony #69 (Unicorn) — ?
A Unicorn of War
Chaos Calthrop
Level 31
Come on, Cosmos. I'm sure The Great One can do better than that when it comes to naming its underlings. I mean, labels and numbers much?
"Arrows of doom!" Fiona yelled, grinning as her wrist-bow clicked and spat out a volley of needles. The ice shimmered, sinking into the unicorn's stomach with a wet squelch. "The calthrop fought most bravely, but 'tis simply not enough for this Heroine and her friends!"
With the unicorn looking to be just about dead and not getting up any soon, its blood soaking the cotton-candy shrubs, the danger had passed—no matter how brief it might have been.
I sheathed my sword and tried to pat down the strands of hair sticking out of my head.
Geez. What was it about boys and messy hair?
That settles it. My first order of business is to grow my hair out so I can tie it back and away from my face. Hair's itchy, no thank you, especially since I'm going to be fighting for my life more often than not.
"A most practical decision, Guardian."
For taking into consideration your hairstyle, you have earned 1 WIS.
"So, where to next?" I said, glancing at Akane and Blake. "Don't suppose you two have gone Dungeon-crawling before, have you?"
In the tabletops my brother dragged me into, the part we were in was usually the part where we cut our way through a swath of monsters, fighting an occasional henchman along the way until we reached the big bad. But seeing as how everything was pink and white and all happy instead of—you know—all grim and adventur-ey...
I figured it'd be better to ask a question or two instead of jumping the shark.
"Once," Akane said. She shrugged and nudged Blake's forearm. "Hey, cat-face, wanna scout ahead and pull some mobs?"
Blake scowled. "Don't call me that."
"You look like a cat though," Akane said, grinning ear to ear. "You can call me bull-face and I won't complain."
"Tch." Blake turned away.
Bushes snapped and bent as he broke through the tree line, his legs blurring into a dead sprint.
"Oh, wow," I said, matching Akane's grin. "Sasuke much?"
"Tell me about it." Akane shook her head as we followed Blake's path at a much more leisurely pace. "You don't know edgy until you've been with Blake all day."
"Mayhaps I shall do the scouting as well, Guardian Eir?" Fiona said, fingering the hilt of her sword. "This Heroine will surely fare better than the Cat—with a capital C. She is, after all, of the wolfishness of the wolf."
"Watch that Blake doesn't hear you." Akane giggled, looking at Fiona like she just signed her death contract. "Blake broods, and he gets cranky."
I fixed her a deadpan stare. "You don't say. Ladies and gentlemen. The edge lord broods. The edge lord broods. What an amazing find! The discovery channel just shat itself!"
"Har-har," Akane said, slashing at the leaves and branches barring our path. They fell on the grass with a soft crack. "Sarcasm. How very original."
"Don't fix it if it ain't broke," I said and kicked a stray pebble away. "You'll get Refunded—with a capital R."
"Huh?" Akane said.
"Mayhaps the Guardian is in dire need of the cash?" Fiona asked. "'Tis what Refunded is for—with a capital R—is it not?"
"Never mind," I said, palming my face. "Explaining a joke is a lot like dissecting a frog."
Sweat clung to my hand. I pulled it away.
Gross.
A branch snapped, the galloping of horses hitting my ears with the force of an incessant sledgehammer.
"Uh..." I said, drawing my sword halfway out its scabbard. "That's not me hallucinating, is it?"
"Neigh," Fiona muttered, her wrist-bow clicking as it snapped open. "I hear the most furious of footsteps, just beyond yonder. The most Furious—with a capital F—indeed. Brace thyselves."
Akane already had her katana drawn as her eyes jumped between the pink trees and the equally pink shrubs. "More of the things. Check your Mini-Map."
Oh, crap. I totally forgot about the Mini-Map. But I guess that's just me being a noob showing.
Mini-Map.
And lo and behold! The crystal ball reveals everything!
Mwahahahahahaha!
Crickets.
…
But seriously. Mini-Map. A swath of red dots, chasing a green one. About to crash into a green and two blues—
Fuck! That's us!
"Scatter!" I yelped, diving into a bush. The candy leaves folded under my weight.
The first unicorn pierced through the tree line.
A black blur leapt into the trees.
The horde of unicorns trampled over the path, shrubs and twigs cracking under their pink hooves.
I wished I was kidding. But I wasn't. We were being attacked by unicorns of all things, their eyes glowing purplish pink as they growled and bared their rotten buck-teeth—twelve of them or so encircling us, about five meters away.
"Has anyone ever told you that your breath stinks?" I gulped, my back bumping into Fiona's. "No? Well, how about now?"
"Mayhaps the Guardian would like to cast his most powerful spells?" Fiona chuckled. "We are, as the locals call it, in a bind."
"I wouldn't call it much of a bind, Princess Schnee," Akane said, her katana rasping against its sheathe. "These unicorns are probably just cannon fodder. The real threat comes after we deal with them."
I raised my hands. A sword wouldn't do me much good against a swarm of mobs. What I needed was wave clear.
"Arcane Barrage!"
Thunder—crack!
The first unicorn fell as a shaft of lightning pierced its chest, the sunlight glimmering on blood spilled on the grass.
Akane stood in front of me and Fiona, her katana crossed over her chest.
The grass behind us rustled.
Blake drew his twin swords, facing a particularly stout unicorn, its stomach bulging out its sides.
It was going to be like that, huh? In most MMO's it's practically tradition to have a Tank, a DPS, a Support, and a Mage.
In our case, it looked like the Tank was Akane, her katana clanking as it clashed against a unicorn's horn. Fiona filled the role of a DPS, her bow clicking as she fired bolt after bolt into the unicorns galloping out of the trees. Blake did his best to adapt the Rogue into the role of a Support, slashing with two swords at the unicorns to hold aggro and draw them away from me—the Mage—while I hurled fireballs and thunderbolts at our enemies.
Akane turned out to be correct. We cleared out the unicorns ten minutes later. A bell chimed as I received my thirty-fourth level-up. I pressed my palms against my knees, grinning as I drew ragged breaths. Hot sweat dripped over the hairs of my skin. Despite my noticeable state of EEPiness, that felt cool-as-fuck.
Level Up!
Take that, Beacon. Bet'cha I'll never get to fight carnivorous unicorns and see a forest made of cotton candy if I stayed in the classroom. Well, what did that really old and wise philosopher say again?
Everything I've learned, I've learned outside school.
Guess that bit of advice applied to Guardians as well.
Passive Skill Learned!
Reaper's Dogma {D}
Your blades and spells tear at your enemy's life-force, consuming it and revitalizing your own. Passively restores HP equivalent to an eighth of damage dealt. Reaper's Dogma bypasses anti-healing effects and heals regardless of Undeath or Mortality.
One Foot in the Grave: While Mortal, passively increases damage dealt by 44% at the cost of 44% more damage received. While Undead, passively decreases damage received by 44% at the cost of 44% less damage dealt.
Combat Skill Learned!
Reaper's Will {D}
You wrench your frayed life-force together with nothing but the force of your will. Immediately recovers a quarter of missing HP. If Undead, Reaper's Will refreshes the duration of all buffs. If Mortal, Reaper's Will removes all debuffs. Reaper's Will bypasses anti-healing and anti-cleansing effects. Reaper's Will can be used even while under crowd-control effects.
Cooldown: 44 seconds.
Restriction: Cannot be used if damage hasn't been received in the past 4 seconds.
Reaper's Heartbeat {B}
Reaper Knights may be mortal (barely), but their hearts have long since stilled. As a last resort, you lash out with your fractured spirit, dealing heavy damage to all enemies around you directly proportional to missing HP. Reaper's Heartbeat costs no MP to cast, but instead consumes a quarter of your total HP.
Cooldown: 44 minutes.
April Ethereal: If Mortal, dying upon use of Reaper's Heartbeat applies April Ethereal—a permanent buff that quadruples all Attributes and persists only while Undead. If Undead, Reaper's Heartbeat costs no HP to cast and immediately restores your Mortality, removing April Ethereal.
And the trend of completely busted skills continues. Oh, trust me, they're broken AF despite how balanced they look. There's a reason why berserkers are perfectly valid fighters in RPGs. It's hard to kill something that can kill you first and heals every time it lands a hit. Like, exactly what the Reaper Knight seems to be—a cross between stereotypical berserkers and death knights, except with the ability to cast spells like a mage.
Anyway, what the hell is up with all these gratuitous power-ups out of nowhere? Next thing you know, I'll suddenly get the ability to create whatever I want with nothing but my mind. Then I'll become the protagonist of some cliched isekai anime or web novel—not exactly my style.
I'm not a Mary Sue, no thank you. Guardian EEP's too EEPy for that. Besides, I failed to get the girl by chapter five. That's got to count for something.
For contemplating your place in the infinite multiverse, you have earned 1 INT.
Gee, thanks.
I should be glad though, since it makes the journey to staying alive ever so slightly easier.
Well, unless all these power-ups are meant to prepare me for something even more powerful…
Crap. Don't jinx it, EEP.
"If I may, Guardian. Reaper Knights are notorious among Gamers and Guardians alike for having a quote broken skill path unquote—"
"Hey!" Akane jogged towards me, bopping my shoulder. "What was that all about?"
"What?" I asked.
"Why didn't you stand in front?" Akane crossed her arms.
"Uh…" I scratched the back of my head. "Why should I?"
Blake and Fiona shot each other looks as they put away their weapons.
Akane's lips twitched. "You're the tank, mate."
"Really?" I huffed.
"This Heroine must broker the agreement," Fiona said. "Thy scrawny arms still bear the shield, do they not?"
"Well, yeah, but…" I trailed off. "Aren't I supposed to be a generalist or something?"
It was even in the tri-class stuff.
But if I'm being honest with myself, I'm probably just fibbing 'cuz I've gotten used to being a backseat fighter. And to think that I wanted to play a tank before.
Alright. Fine. I was wrong ten minutes ago or something. QED. They got a point.
I really should stand in front to maximize my skills and stop being so EEPy.
"Reaper Knights are one of the SS-tier tank classes in the System." Akane soldiered on with her info-dump. "Like how Princess Schnee here has one of the S-tier support classes."
"I do?" Fiona said, giggling. "Oh, but of course! This Heroine places herself in the Guardian's care then!"
She tilted her head and winked at me.
"Riiiiiight. Like you weren't before," I said, rolling my eyes. "Wait, you're not curious about Classes and stuff? The System? How we're all acting like we're in a fucking video game?"
"Hmph. Pray tell, what is there to ask?" Fiona raised her chin. "This Heroine has quested through what the locals call Skyrim before. Do not presume that the Fiona Schnee is an uncultured swine."
With that said, Fiona cackled and hummed, "Our hero, our hero claims a warrior's heart~ I tell you, I tell you~"
I turned away as Akane grinned and chimed in with her own singing.
Yup. Skyrim. Of course.
I nodded like a moron. "Great! Now we can skip the exposition and go to the juicy parts. Take that, gamer-fics that I may or may not have read."
We trekked through candyland for thirty minutes. I endured Fiona's singing while Blake stared at nothing in particular, his narrow, golden eyes flitting over every bush and tree we passed.
Akane, on the other hand, must've been wanting to form a band with Fiona, with the two of them shaking every acorn loose—also made of pink candies by the way.
"Uhck…" I groaned, glancing at the two gals behind. "Can you please tone it down for five fucking minutes?"
"Beware! Beware!" Fiona sang to the motherfucking pink clouds. "The Dragonborn comes! I tell you! I tell you—"
"The Dragonborn comes!" Akane whooped. "Nothing like a good theme song to get the blood pumping."
"My blood's pumping alright," I said.
"You okay, mate?" Akane said.
I threw up my arms. "I don't get how you two could be so fucking relaxed. We're lost in some sort of candyland, hunted by cannibalistic unicorns and Hesus only knows what else. I've read and watched enough shit to know where this is going."
"Chill," Akane said, holding up her hands. "I get that you're new and all, but we're Guardians, mate."
I snorted, stomping on a twig made of pastry. "Yeah, sure. 'Cuz that's gonna mean a lot when we all get eaten."
Fucking hell. I could see it now—the inscription on my tomb. Here lies Guardian EEP. Mauled to death. Eaten by talking unicorns. Won't be missed at all.
"We're not getting eaten." Akane rolled her eyes. "Trust me. Stop being such a pessimist."
"I'll stop being a pessimist"—I pulled out some EEP-signature air-quotes—"when I stop being right."
"Mayhaps the Guardian will experience the changing of the view then," Fiona said. "'Twould be a bright day in the Void before this Heroine lets her beloved fall."
"Hear that? You're in good hands, mate," Akane said. "You've got nothing to worry about."
I heaved a long, drawn-out sigh. "Maybe I'm just tripping. I can handle mofos trying to take my head off. But this eldritch abomination stuff? It's way different behind a monitor."
Akane snickered. "Honestly. Relax. We're not gonna die—"
She grasped her throat, gurgling, blood spilling between her fingers.
Blake's head snapped up—
"Guardian Eir!" Fiona smashed into my back. She tackled me against a tree, golden glyphs spinning around us. "'Tis an ambush!"
"No shit!" I shrieked as Blake's headless body slid off Fiona's glyphs, painting them crimson. "I told you so!"
"Sith Lords of the dark dimension," Fiona muttered, glaring at the pink-ery. "Come out and show yourself, coward!"
I clutched the hilt of Crocea Mors. "You don't seriously expect them to come out just like that! This isn't an anime!"
"Tsk, tsk, tsk…"
I growled, screaming at the pink sky, "Oh come on!"
The end of the path shimmered, leaves fluttering in the wind. But there was no one else on my Mini-Map.
"Well, well. What do we have here," the man said, his voice coming from deep within the darkness of his pink hood. He hid his white-gloved hands behind his back. "Foolish Guardians. You cannot stay destiny's hand."
"I don't believe in destiny!" I drew Crocea Mors, the steel rasping against its scabbard. "Fuck destiny! Fuck fate! Fuck Cosmos! Fuck whoever this Great One of yours is!"
"You have quite the tongue for someone who reeks of fear," the man said. "And what about your companion, hm? Is she but another one of your puppets?"
"Puppet? Yeah, sure," I said. "If anyone's being a puppet here, it's definitely me."
"Your self-awareness does you credit," the man said. "Pray, have you considered turning over to the dark side? We have cookies and milk, as it were."
"Neigh!" Fiona grinned. Her bow snapped open, an arrow of lightning already notched and ready to fly. "This Heroine and the Guardian will put the ending to your story! Cosmic bolt of retribution—"
"He's baiting us." I grabbed Skadi and lowered her arm. "We don't know how he offed Akane and Blake."
Observe.
Ti (Faunus) — ?
Herald of Korviliath
Assassin
Level 47
Guide?
"Searching database… Korviliath, an abomination from the 19th Hell Dimension. There are no relevant records of designation: Ti, Herald of Korviliath."
There's such a thing as a Hell Dimension? At least 19 of them? Geez. Remind to never get lost in the multiverse.
"Now this one is smarter than he looks," Ti said. "Shall we stand here for all eternity then? With you cowering behind your impregnable defense and I pacing around these woods?"
"You dying in a bush would be great as well, thanks," I said.
"Neigh, the assassin will not die on his own," Fiona said, Skadi clicking shut. "I shall take the helm, beloved. This Heroine shall be thine shield, if thou cannot raise yours."
I grunted and drew said shield. "No fucking way you're benching me, Fiona Schnee. It's almost like we didn't survive Grimmland together."
Fiona smirked and raised her chin, sweeping her cloak to the side. "Very well then. Let us proceed to the war and the slaughter, beloved." She pumped her fist against the skies. "Na via lerno victoria! Only the living know victory!"
"How very romantic," Ti muttered. "And sadly useless."
Pink tentacles slithered out of his back, swaying like the feelers of an octopus.
"Oh, shit." I shivered. "Isn't this the plot to that one hentai?"
Main Quest: Ti For Torture (In Pink)
Marvelous work infiltrating enemy territory, Guardian. Now go slay Ti and Korviliath. Get on it. Chop-chop.
Objective: Slay Ti.
Success: None
Failure: Certain D.E.A.T.H
Bonus Objective: Slay Korviliath.
Bonus Reward: None
Whoop-dee-fucking-doo. Wouldn't success mean certain L.I.F.E, Cosmos?
"Quote do not think about it unquote."
Isn't this gag getting a little too old? Like, seven chapters old?
"Quote originality is overrated unquote."
"Now!" Fiona glowed silver, her cloak seemingly sinking into her back. She craned her head and winked at me. "The assassin shall not take us unawares while this Heroine is one with the wolf!"
Shafts of light burst from Fiona, cracks rippling across her skin. She howled and bent on her haunches—a snowy werewolf the size of a man instead of a white raven.
"Holy shit." I peeked over my shield just as Little Miss Werewolf lunged at Ti. "Not gonna lie—I'm sporting an erection right now. No furry though."
Little Miss Werewolf weaved around the storm of surging tentacles, dirt and grass flying in her wake.
"Ngghhhh!" Ti screeched. Pink blood spurted out of the claw-shaped gashes on his chest, Fiona nothing but a sliver of snow. "Minions! Ahck! Slay this damnable mutt!"
Unicorns neighed beyond the treeline—four of them, breaking tons of bushes as they charged at me.
"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!' I held my shield tighter, leaping aside and grimacing as they mowed over a tree. "Aren't you supposed to be slaying Little Miss Werewolf over there?"
Ti's tentacles dug into the dirt—crack!
Fiona growled as Ti slung himself over the trees like a catapult, his now-visible red dot fading from my Mini-Map.
A unicorn neighed and reared its front legs back—to stomp on me. I gritted my teeth and raised my shield. Its hooves thumped over steel. My arm shook as I brought Crocea Mors into a wide slash. The blade bit into muscle and fur, coating it with blood.
I snarled and twisted my wrist, my blade humming in my grip. "Reaping Slash!"
Crocea Mors took the unicorn's head off with a single cut—like knife through butter if I might say so myself.
"Huh." I glanced at the near-invisible air swirling around my blade. "That's neat. Fire for explosions. Wind for cutting. Got'cha."
I collapsed my shield and sheathed my sword.
The mangled remains of the three other unicorns laid broken by Little Miss Werewolf's feet. Fiona sniffed the air, her cute little snout shaking. She smirked at me, baring her razor-sharp teeth. Her electric-blue eyes glowed under the pink sun.
"Fione?" I said, rubbing her by the ears—and she purred.
Her fur was surprisingly soft for a (scary) werewolf drenched in unicorn blood.
"You're a pretty werewolf," I said. "No furry though."
"Hmph! Of course!" Fiona's voice rang out from her gaping maw. "This Heroine's mane is the sleekest of the sleek, is it not, beloved?"
"You know what?" I said, chuckling. "A talking werewolf's not that weird compared to talking unicorns. Keep it up."
"Oh! 'Twould please me more to hear thine praise!" Fiona said. "Unfortunately, that dastardly assassin has made the most cowardly of escapes. Shall we give chase, Guardian Eir?"
"It's kinda my main quest..." I said. "We have to slay Mister Tentacle Hentai or we'll be dead."
"Tentacle Hentai?!" Fiona gasped, her snout curling in on itself. "'Tis a most fearsome enemy indeed. The name alone fills this Heroine's heart with the greatest of dread!"
I groaned and cupped my face. "Never change, Fione… Anyway, how are we chasing after him?"
Fiona's smirk grew. "The way of the directness, beloved."
She twirled and crouched, practically wiggling her rump in my face.
"Oh no," I mumbled, peeking at her between my fingers. Heat rushed to parts of my body that I never knew existed. "I'm not a fookin' furry." I took a deep breath. "I. Am. Not. A. Furry. Repeat that five times a day, Guardian EEP. Never forget. Five times."
"Climb on, beloved," Fiona said. "As the locals say it, we do not have the all-ness of the day."
I shuddered and swung myself onto her back, her warmth seeping into my hindquarters.
"Like this?" I asked. My fingers curled over her shoulders, holding on to a fistful of ticklish fur.
"My, my, Guardian!" Fiona said. "Mayhaps thou art wearing of the plate?"
"Are you saying I'm heavy?" I said. "'Cuz I could honestly say the same about you."
"Falseness! Simply falseness!" Fiona roared at the drooping sun. "This Heroine is lighter than the wind! And I shall do the proving!"
My eyes widened, her laughter ringing in my ears.
"Fione!" I jolted. My arms looped around her neck, my chest quivering. Bolts of lightning danced around us and buzzed like bees. "Don't you fucking dare! Don't you fucking dare—ayieeeehhhh!"
Author's Notes:
Ah, yes, our duo riding off into a pink sunset. It'd be romantic if they're not chasing after tentacle person and being hunted by man-eating unicorns. Anyway, see y'all on the next chapter. Thanks for reading.