"I've cauterized the wound, but Samehada cuts more than flesh," said Itachi. "Without a medical-nin he'll be dead by the end of the night. Follow me."

And Itachi was running. Fast. It had to be a trap, Itachi was evil- the baddest bad guy. But right now, it didn't really matter. Her old man was dying. Naruko ran faster than ever before. She lost track of her surroundings, all focus on putting one leg in front of the other as fast as possible, on keeping track of that black and red cloak.

Why hadn't she just followed orders? If she hadn't been so stupid, she'd be across from Jiraiya as he gave her some dumb lecture about boys. It was the kinda uncomfortable stuff she'd always wanted- and she'd ruined it because… Because she hadn't been ready to stop fighting. The truth was she liked fighting- loved it, somewhere deep down. She liked hurting people, crushing them, and she'd been praised so much for it that it'd gone for her head and made her think it was a good thing. It was that darkness within herself that had wanted to chase after Akatsuki, and that was why...

How come she hadn't seen it? She should've…

Jiraiya was gonna die. He was gonna die. She was following Itachi, and it was probably a trap, and Jiraiya was gonna die. She should've gotten to know him better, asked him about his childhood- how he'd fallen in love with Tsunade, about his relationship with Orochimaru, about how he'd met her father. But she'd been so focused on Dragonball, some stupid manga, but she even wanted to talk with him more about that too!

Don't die, don't die, please don't die.

Itachi stopped, and threw an explosive tag into the sky. Its blast lit up the forest for an instant, until darkness reclaimed the night.

"Tensions have been rising in the Northern border," Itachi said smoothly. "A squadron of Konoha shinobi should be patrolling the area- and protocol demands that at least one of them will be a medical ninjutsu specialist. They should be able to stabilize the Sage. When he awakens, you must tell him that I suspect a masked woman is trying to bring about a fourth shinobi war, for what purpose I can't imagine. But of the following information I am certain; she is malevolent. There is some kind of taboo on her name that makes it difficult to speak about her in specifics. Naruko, I give you this warning, when you meet her, do not listen to what she tells you. Her words may seem wise, but to follow them will bring you…" Itachi's voice hitched. "Regrets. If you disobey her she will likely kill you, and I can promise you from my own experience that that is by far the preferable option."

Itachi Uchiha was a monster. He'd killed Sasuke's entire family- his own family, but…

He was telling the truth. She could feel it. Obi Uchiha had convinced him to kill his clan… But still… It was still impossible, it didn't matter what someone said- if you did something like that, it meant you were evil. It didn't matter if you had regrets, and it didn't matter what you did after, there was no way to get forgiveness. Itachi was a monster, and it was her duty to protect Konoha from threats like him and…

And that was exactly what Obi Uchiha had told her. It was her duty to protect Konoha from evil. Nobody else's. And now Jiraiya was...

"Why did you do it?" Naruko asked.

"Why did I slaughter my clan? My family? To test my capacity," Itachi said immediately, his voice smooth, his eyes meeting hers unblinkingly. "I wanted to test the strength of my new eyes, the mangekyou sharingan, which I obtained by murdering my best friend Shisui. The Uchiha were the strongest clan in Konoha, and provided the ideal obstacle for testing my limits. I did not spare Sasuke when I refrained from killing him, he was simply too weak to provide a test for me. It was far better to give him time to grow, to only test myself against him after he had obtained the mangekyou sharingan himself. I do not care for the pathetic weakling, he simply provides the final test of my capacity. Also," Itachi frowned, and his voice lost its serenity, growing an irritated edge. "I could not help but overhear your conversations with the Sage. You are aware of how my little brother feels about you, are you not? And yet you are seeing other boys? I had not thought your feelings for him were so shallow." Itachi's voice rose, growing angry. "If I find out that you've been toying with his heart, I will put off Sasuke's vengeance for as long as it takes to hunt you down and kill you."

"Sasuke likes Sakura," Naruko managed to spit out, looking at her feet. This really sucked and she wanted it to stop. "I caught him making out with her before he left, so there's nothing wrong with me-"

"He does not like Sakura," Itachi snapped, not at all smoothly. "He was testing you to see how you would react. Do you not understand what my betrayal did to him? How it has scarred him? It is a miracle that he has reopened his heart to connections- and I will not have you endanger that because you can't control your se-" Itachi vanished.

Wha… What the heck had just happened? A few heartbeats later a squad of shinobi arrived. A familiar looking kunoichi took one look at Jiraiya and said, "Fuck!" The kunoichi squatted over him, a green light glowing softly from her hands, illuminating Jiraiya's face. It looked grayer than before, his eyes sunken halfway into his skull, his forehead covered in sweat. He was taking weak, shallow breaths. "Fuck! That's Jiraiya of the Sannin, fuck! Saisu, Maruten, keep on guard- my dogs smelled Itachi Uchiha nearby. If you hear 'em barking, take the girl and- that's Naruko Uzumaki! Fuck!" The medic-nin kept healing Jiraiya, but gave Naruko a quick glance. "I heard from Mom that you beat the shit out of my brother with shadow clones. You hear my dogs barking, spam the fuck out of that jutsu, run away, and get back to Konoha. A war is gonna break any day with Kumo or Iwa, and if we lose you we're fucked."

"Is he gonna… gonna be okay?" Naruko asked breathlessly.

"He's not getting his arm back," the medic-nin snapped. "If I don't fuck up he'll live, but I've always been shitty at healing humans. He ain't gonna be helping us in the next war, that's for damn sure. Fuck!"

Naruko let out her breath. Thank goodness. Maybe his arm was gone, maybe his time as a shinobi was over, but Jiraiya was gonna live.

XOXOXOX

Itachi had blown his cover, sabotaged the only organization capable of saving the world, all to protect a loose woman who very clearly did not deserve Sasuke's affections. But Naruko Uzumaki was his little brother's light, his chance at happiness, and Itachi could not bear to extinguish it.

For the past few weeks he had avoided people. Shinobi. Civilians. Anyone who might identify him. He had travelled hundreds of miles through the deciduous forest the first two days. Then he had stopped using chakra altogether, to make himself impossible to track, and had wandered deeper into the wilderness until he had found a talus cave where he took refuge. It was necessary. If he was found by Akatsuki he would be killed, which was unacceptable. He had planned to give Sasuke more time to grow, confront his brother, and at last be executed for his crimes.

And then he had found The Leader waiting for him by the small waterfall that ran through his cavern, his black cape billowing in the wind, eating one of the fish Itachi had prepared for himself. The Leader jumped and hastily covered his face with the ridiculous fencing mask he'd taken to wearing.

"Have you come to kill me?" Itachi asked, as he discreetly created a shadow clone. Upon destruction it would explode. Good for a distraction, but his only hope would be if his Susanoo formed faster than his opponent's jutsu, which was improbable. "I'm afraid that honor belongs to my brother. He will be a great asset in your efforts to thwart the Sage of the Six Pa-"

"I'm not going to kill you, you're my Suzaku," said The Leader, referencing an obscure piece of literature of which Itachi was unaware.

It was… necessary… to understand the meaning behind The Leader's words. His objective was to avoid battle if possible. "Who is Suzaku?" Itachi asked reluctantly.

"Eh, you're not serious are you?" Asked The Leader, chuckling. "Don't tell me you still read Shounen Jump? I've long since outgrown that kiddy stuff and moved onto real manga. Suzaku is obviously the deuteragonist from Code Geass."

Shounen Jump… Itachi was unfamiliar with that novel. He had never heard of this Code Geass either. It was unsurprising, after he had killed his parents he had been unable to indulge in any form of fiction. He did not deserve to feel catharsis.

"Don't tell me you've never heard of Code Geass," said The Leader. "Sadly unsurprising. Kids these days are only interested in the explosions, tits, and transformations. But Code Geass is a classic, it's even in my three by three. Well, let me educate you. There's this boy, Lelouch, who is the exiled son of the Uchiha Hokage- the story takes place in an alternate world where Madara was victorious in his fight with Hashirama, leading to a more warlike Konoha that dominates the world through force. Lelouch is sent to Uzushiogakure, where he becomes best friends with Suzaku, the son of the Uzumaki Clan Head. But Konoha attacks Uzu, conquering the country with the power of their unstoppable Knightmares. Anyways, long story short, Lelouch awakens his sharingan and creates a terrorist group called the Black Knights to try and destroy Konoha and create a peaceful world where his little sister Nunally can live in peace. Lelouch seems unstoppable, running through the Uchiha forces, but he's stopped by a mysterious red-haired shinobi. That's right, Suzaku has become an Honorary Uchiha, and seeks to change Konoha from the inside. That's so cool right? You're gonna read it right?"

"Of course," Itachi lied smoothly, trying to placate The Leader.

"Trust me, you won't regret it," said The Leader enthusiastically. "Anyways, just like mine, Lelouch's actions are morally gray- something you'd never see in Dragonball, and Suzaku challenges his belief that the ends justify the means. It's really annoying, but at the end of the day, Lelouch needs Suzaku on his side to change the world, just like I need you. You're a good guy, Itachi, and I don't want to lose you. I'd ask you why you turned on us, but being just like Lelouch, I can read you like a book."

The Leader flashed Itachi a thumbs up, and stuck Naruko Uzumaki's Topps Shinobi Card in his face. "She's a total super babe! I'd turn my back on Akatsuki too, if it meant I could get with an ultra hotty!"

"Tsk," Itachi said.

"So," said The Leader eagerly. "How'd it go, tell me everything! Details man, give me details!"

The suggestion was abominable on several levels. Naruko was Sasuke's love, she was thirteen, and the mere idea that Itachi could take a lover- find some level of happiness and comfort, sickened Itachi to his core.

"She shot you down huh?" The Leader patted Itachi's shoulder. "You uh… You're not gonna tell Konan what I said, right?"

"No," Itachi said flatly. Even if someone tried to torture the information out of him, he'd keep this conversation to the grave. He shivered. Sickening.

"Good, good," said The Leader. "Oh and by the way, Naruko wouldn't have been killed by the extraction. Uzumaki blood and everything- she'd have been fine."

"What?" Itachi snapped. "Why did you not tell me earlier?"

"I was testing you," said The Leader smugly. "And you failed man. Now you're in the doghouse, and I'm gonna capture Naruko myself, so there."

Itachi sighed. There was no need to worry. Although he did not think much of her, Naruko had surely learned her lesson. With her shadow clones, she would be capable of evading capture. "Very well."

The Leader fidgeted, as if annoyed. "And I'll be bringing Nagato as well."

...Itachi frowned… He could only hope she survived the extraction.

XOXOXOX

"I've done all that I can for you. You're not gonna get any better than you are right now," Hana Inuzuka said stiffly, staring at her painted toenails. She shouldn't have felt bad, the whole thing was Naruko's fault. Hana had spent the past two days in a tent doing her best to heal Jiraiya. All Naruko could do was wait around and twiddle her thumbs and lay around feeling sorry for herself like a loser. She'd failed Tsunade's training but at least she'd given that her best. She'd never really taken Jiraiya's teachings seriously- he'd told her to run, she'd done the opposite, and he'd been the one to pay the price.

"How bad is it?" Jiraiya asked. He was finally awake and sitting up on his bed..

"I've tried my best, but I'm no Tsunade Senju. Truth is, you're fucked sir. The fucker who did this pulled off half your damn chakra channels along with your arm. You've got some chakra left in you. But once you use that, you're gonna have the chakra reserves of an academy student. Your days of being a shinobi are over."

Naruko shrunk. All her fault. She couldn't even look at Jiraiya. He'd never forgive her for this- how could he? She'd been arrogant, bloodthirsty, she'd let herself become a monster- but more than that she hadn't trusted him. Why hadn't she just listened to him? She'd have listened to Sasuke, Sakura, Tsunade- but when Jiraiya spoke she always questioned him- acted like he was an idiot.

"Ahh well, I suppose I'm one of the lucky ones, I've been wanting to retire for years anyways," said Jiraiya, laughing.

Of course he wasn't acting angry. Of course he was putting on a happy face. How many times had Naruko done that herself?

"I'll finally be able to fully dedicate myself to writing and researching," said Jiraiya brightly. "Of course, without my skilled and experienced right hand, with only my clumsy left for company, certain essential aspects of the masculine culture will become quite troublesome and make research less inspiring. My next quest becomes clear, the gallant handsome Jiraiya must finally settle down!"

And so did Naruko's. She was gonna make sure Tsunade fell for Jiraiya… Somehow… Believe it!

Hana giggled at something Jiraiya had said. "I'm sure it'll be easy for you to find someone. Every kunoichi my age had a crush on the Gallant Sannin Jiraiya." Hana wore an eager smile, a big blush, and ran a hand through her hair. "Y'know, me and the team, we've got a few kegs of beer. We were planning on saving them, but y'know- ya only get one chance to throw a retirement party for the greatest shinobi who's ever worn a Konoha headband."

Jiriaya smiled. "Me the greatest shinobi? Nobody thinks that."

"I do," Hana said, smiling and fixing her hair. "We'd be honored if you'd join us."

"Eh, sure, why not," Jiraiya said. "Naruko, you hear that? Tonight you're gonna get your first taste of booze."

After that, Jiraiya took her from the little camp they'd made, out into the forest. Jiraiya was panting after only a few miles, and they rested a few minutes as he caught his breath. He hadn't needed to rest before… They continued on, until they found a little rocky stream.

"The Akatsuki is far stronger than I'd feared," said Jiraiya seriously. "They're stronger than you. They're stronger than me, and I'm probably the strongest shinobi in Konoha… Er, I was at least… Don't feel bad kid, just remember what happened and don't do it again."

Naruko nodded. "I won't."

"The point is that nobody's gonna be able to protect you from them. So that's why we're gonna take your training in a new direction. We're gonna center it around learning a single jutsu. It was your father's signature jutsu. Hiraishin." Jiraiya settled comfortably on a gray rock, dipping his toes in the cool stream. He smiled as he stared into the water. "Minato always used to take inspiration from the strangest things. Perhaps because he didn't come from a shinobi family, the things that I'd come to see as commonplace he saw as astounding. Seals. Summoning animals. He used those sources of inspiration to master the jutsu completely. I've never been able to make sense of Hiraishin, but you're Minato's daughter Naruko, I know you can do it."

Yeah right. Naruko was an idiot, and if Jiraiya couldn't figure out the jutsu then Naruko wasn't gonna… What was she doing? She'd just promised herself she'd follow Jiraiya's orders, and here she was- questioning him again! "I'm gonna master the Her-Shin Jutsu- it's a promise old man, believe it!"

"Good," Jiraiya said. "The Hiraishin, hiraishin, it's pronounced hiraishin Naruko…"

"Her-shin!" Naruko copied flawlessly. She had to prove to him she took this training seriously!

Jiraiya sighed. "Right, the hiraishin is a teleportation jutsu. Your father taught me the basics of the jutsu, so I know that it works in four stages. First you must create a lightning rod seal. Second, you summon yourself to a dimension free of space and time."

"Question," Naruko said. "What is time? I don't get what a world would look like without it."

"Time is uh… How fast events pass through um… time, no questions Naruko," said Jiraiya wisely. "Thirdly, in the timeless world you sense one of your lightning rod seals. Fourthly, you summon yourself to the location of the lightning rod seal."

Naruko nodded. She wasn't sure how you could sense or do anything in a world without time, but she held off her questions. She was sure that once she was actually in the timeless world it'd make more sense.

'Most of it's over my head," said Jiraiya. "So we're gonna start with something I do know. A related jutsu." Jiraiya stood, went over to a patch of grass, and slammed his left hand on the ground. "Summoning No Jutsu!" A spiderweb of fancy scribbles appeared against the grass, a big burst of smoke, and a giant toad with a scroll in its mouth flashed in front of her. It should have been impressive, but Jiraiya was breathing hard, and his face was all red like the jutsu had taken everything he'd had.

The toad inspected Jiraiya in a way that reminded her of Iruka after he'd read one of her papers. "If we weren't friends I wouldn't have come for that pitiful offering. I won't make an exception like that again." The toad vanished with a totally put-upon puff of smoke.

"Go on, open up the scroll," Jiraiya said cheerfully, after he'd caught his breath. It was full of red names and fingerprints, most she didn't know, but two she did. "Naruko, this is the contract with the toads that has been passed down for generations. You write your name in blood, and under that you press your fingerprint in blood. Then when you want to call them, produce chakra and place down the hand you signed the contract with. The hand seals are boar, dog, bird, monkey, sheep."

Minato Namikaze. Her father. And just to the right of that was Jiraiya. Just Jiraiya. No family name. Why didn't he have a family name? What had his dad and mom been like- or had he been an orphan like her? What had he been like as a kid? How'd he fallen for Tsunade? Sure Tsunade was beautiful, sure she had big boobs, but when had he fallen for her for real? And what had been the deal with him and Orochimaru-

No. She had to train. She'd made a promise to master the Her-shin Jutsu! She could ask all the questions she wanted after she mastered the jutsu, but now was the time to focus! She bit her left hand, signed her name as just Naruko, and pressed her fingers down on the scroll.

She couldn't remember what Jiraiya had said, but she could picture the hand seals: boar, dog, bird, monkey, sheep and then slam her left hand into the ground with a buncha chakra! She pushed some chakra into her hand, and-

"I just want you to get a feel for teleportation," Jiraiya said hurriedly. "The more chakra you put into your summons the bigger the toad, the bigger the ego, and the bigger the crankiness. So put as little chakra into your summons as possible or it'll be a total pain in the ass."

Got it. As little chakra as possible. It'd be a total breeze. Naruko channeled just a tiny bit of chakra as her hands went through the signs, and slammed her palm down on a rock. "Summoning No Jutsu!"

She felt her chakra rush from her, not away from her, but through, cutting, escaping somewhere that felt both nearby and faraway at the same time somehow, and then it was just faraway. It wasn't all that strange a feeling, it was where her chakra went whenever she used ninjutsu. It was like using shadow clones, only her chakra hadn't come back.

"Yo, Gamakichi here," said a wolf-sized toad, flashing into existence on top of a rock. The orange toad looked her up and down. "What's up Boss? You got any snacks? Because you know Toad Law: No snacks, no service."

Toad Law? Was he just making that up? No, Gamakichi was a noble shinobi summon, he wouldn't do something like that. She had to be respectful.

"I don't have any snacks," said Naruko. "I'm just trying to get a feel for the Summoning Jutsu. Sorry if I disturbed you, oh great Gamakichi."

"No problem, no problem," Gamakichi said, slapping a hand on his vest. A cigarette appeared in a puff of smoke, the toad lit it with a snap of his orange fingers, and put it to his lips. "But you'll have to get me some snacks before sending me off. Nothing personal Boss, it's just Toad Law."

"I'm sorry, but we're not near any towns, I can't get you any snacks."

"I see, I see, no problem, no problem. I'm a cool guy, so I'll keep it quiet," Gamakichi said, narrowing his eyes in a way that kinda made him look like Ino. Now that wasn't fair, comparing Ino to a toad- completely unfair to Gamakichi. "Afterall, if the other toads heard that you had broken Toad Law on your very first summons they'd be furious. But I know you don't deserve that. You said you were working on Mastering the Summoning Jutsu?"

Naruko explained the Her-shin jutsu she was trying to master as best she could to the cool toad who kinda reminded her of Ino for some reason.

Gamakichi nodded and blew some smoke in her face. "I see. Your best bet is gonna be to use as much chakra in your summons as possible Boss."

Right, as much chakra as possible. Naruko channelled her chakra into her left hand until it was glowing bright blue, went through the signs, and slammed her palm to the ground. "Summoning No Jutsu!"

Her chakra rushed out, cutting through something, and then vanished. There was a puff of smoke, and suddenly she was in the sky and the ground was all red and warty.

"Ahh, some good fresh air," boomed a deep raspy voice below her. Wait a sec- she was on top of a giant toad! The big toad lit a giant pipe and took a few puffs. "Jiraiya, why have you summoned me?"

"Pops," said Gamakichi, hopping next to Naruko, his eyes big and watery, his cigarette nowhere to be found. "This girl offered me some delicious chakra, but it was a trick! After I'd been summoned she beat me up, and took my snacks!"

That dirty lying sack of-

"She did what?" Roared Papa Toad. "You'll pay for picking on little Gamakichi!"

"Listen Gamabunta," said Jiraiya peacefully, holding up his left palm and walking to a giant eye. "There's been a misunderstanding. Let me exp-"

"You're calling my son a liar?" Gamabunta roared angrily. The toad flung them off his head, sending them flying.

Naruko crossed her fingers, "Shadow Clone Jutsu!" Her shadow clones cushioned their fall, and then scattered as Gamabunta squished them like bugs. She and Jiraiya ran, but Jiraiya was slow, so she carried him over her shoulder and sprinted away from the furious toad.

"You can't escape the great Gamabunta!" The toad hopped after them, and each time he landed the ground shook. Squads of Konoha shinobi tried to talk to the toad, tried to fight him. But Saisu's shuriken bounced off Gamabunta thick hide, when Maruten puffed himself into a big ball and hurled himself at Gamabunta the toad swatted him through several trees, and Hana and the Haimaru Brothers little tornado attack was smashed into the ground by Gamabunta's giant tongue. Fighting him was hopeless, the toad was too big, and too strong, and too stupid. Gamabunta was too powerful to be stopped. By a shinobi anyway.

"Wait!" Naruko shouted. "What if we settled the misunderstanding over some barbecue potato chips. You have to listen if we give you snacks, it's Toad Law." Naruko smirked. Nobody, not even the strongest summons, was above the law.

"I knew you had snacks!" Gamakichi roared.

Gamabunta froze.

So did Maruten. "You'll have to kill me to get my stash! An Akimichi never shares their food!"

Gamabunta swatted the Akimichi through another tree. "Fool," Gamabunta roared. " I will not settle for mere snacks! I am The Chief! By Toad Law: I require your finest libations!"

Libations? What the heck were libations? Well he was a shinobi summons, and if she knew anything about shinobi then libations meant-

"Naruko no!" Screamed Hana. "Anything but that! Not the-"

"We've got some beer." Naruko dug up the hidden sealing scroll and summoned the kegs as the team of shinobi screamed and begged her to stop. Gamabunta split open the keg, and delicately poured each shinobi a glass, before downing the rest of the keg himself.

Naruko sipped a bit of it hesitantly, but it kinda tasted like pee, and there was a bunch of gross foam, and it burned her throat when she drank it, and she even threw up a little, and she kinda suspected it was poison so she poured the rest of it into the ground when nobody was looking.

Hana Inazuka growled at her like she'd defaced Hokage Mountain again.

Gamabunta had a red glow, and belched happily. He collapsed onto his back, and languidly drank the second keg, as Gamakichi laid on his stomach eating Maruten's potato chips. "Your name girl?"

"Naruko."

"You've provided me satisfactory libations Naruko: by Toad Law I name you my underling. If you're ever in trouble, summon me and I'll provide aid." Gamabunta and Gamakichi vanished in a giant puff of smoke.

Not too bad. She'd gotten a powerful summons, and all it had cost her was that disgusting beer stuff. Why would anyone even wanna drink stuff that tasted like pee? Adults were so weird.

"Naruko!" Growled Hana Inazuka. "The fuck have you done? That toad just drank all our alcohol!"

"With all due respect," said Jiraiya, holding up his left palm peacefully. "Naruko did nothing wrong. Gamabunta would have killed-"

Hana punched Jiraiya over a mountain, so angry that clouds of steam erupted out of her ears with little train sounds. Saisu was weeping manly tears at the remains of the kegs, and weird dark squiggles were vibrating off of Maruten as he held his empty potato chip bags.

It would probably be best to follow Jiraiya's example and disappear. Naruko ran into the forest after him.

Author's Note: Thanks for reading! I'm fairly happy with how light and fluffy this chapter was. And now onto the review:

Alice27chan - So you're on the Kakashi flashback chapter right? Basically, Kakashi knew about all of Obi's actions all along, including the Uchiha Massacre and her attack on Konoha with Kurama, and suspected that she would make a move on Sasuke or Naruko if she suspected either of them were talented so he tried to sabotage their training while providing a found family for them. In an effort to prevent Obi from taking Sasuke, he tells Danzou that Madara still exists and is after Sasuke, showing Danzou Madara's amaterasu as proof. Danzou then tries to keep Sasuke from falling into Madara's hands (Obi's) but fails. Obi defeats Danzou with a shadow clone, steals the eyes, and implants a false memory into Danzou's mind of him being attacked by Kumo, Iwa, and Oto forces. Interestingly the memory can be verified to be false if the other nations refuse to accept the sharingans, which Obi offers to them for a small fee. But all of them buy the sharingans. Obi then uses the money to buy Sasuke dinner and fund his training, to help give some context to why Kakashi was so determined to keep Sasuke and Naruko away from Obi. Kakashi has also been placed under a curse which prevents him from speaking what he knows. Hope this clears stuff up.