Chapter 46 (Bella POV)

After Jasper went to drop off the truck, I hurried back inside to get out of the cold night air. The wind froze my knuckles as I clung onto the brown leather jacket that he'd thrown over my shoulders. I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but putting it on actually made me a bit colder, especially at first. It was the opposite of warmed up, it was pre-chilled, but at least it blocked the wind. Charlie was sitting in the living room with a beer in his hand and a pensive look on his face, when I came in. I hung the jacket up on a free hook by the door and went into the kitchen to grab the half eaten pint of vanilla ice cream I'd started on earlier in the week. I'd cooked for Charlie every night since Jasper and I had decided on the plan, probably out of guilt - and I'm made sure to spend at least a couple of hours with him each night. We mainly just hung out in front of the television. I'd wanted to do more, but I didn't want to make him suspicious. I was already a bit worried that I'd laid it on too thick as it was. It was still hard to wrap my head around the fact that I was even able to come back home and I'd decided that I wasn't going to take my human life for granted anymore.

I wanted to be with Jasper forever - and I did want to become a vampire, but I was glad to have a little bit more time. Time with my dad and time for human experiences that I would have missed out on had today gone the way we thought that it was going to - normal things that most people do at least once in their life. I wanted to get drunk once, maybe even smoke a joint. I wanted to drive a car really fast and I'd been considering a tattoo. I wanted to try foods that I've never tried and dye my hair a crazy color. Most of all - I didn't want to die a virgin. I know that there would be plenty of time for . . . that . . . later on, once I was changed, but I just wanted to know what it was like at least once while I was still human.

I knew I had about 20 minutes until Jasper was going to be back - though I knew he wouldn't mind waiting even if I did stay down here with Charlie a little while longer. He'd gotten used to it this week since Charlie thought he'd left town. He'd been hanging out up in my room a lot waiting until I came up for bed, though I'd sneak up every once in a while just to see him and say hi. I took my ice cream into the living room and sat down with Charlie who just stared at me for a moment.

"What's wrong?" I asked a bit nervously.

"I guess it's nothing - call me paranoid but I half expected you to be gone when I came home." He ran his hand through his hair and looked a bit uncomfortable, like he was embarrassed to be mentioning it. The spoonful of ice cream that I'd just shoveled into my mouth almost found it's way out my nose.

"What do you mean? I don't have a truck anymore, remember?" I said with a mouthful, trying to play it off. Why did he have to have such good intuition? It was scarily accurate sometimes.

"I don't know you just seemed so down in the dumps all week - and you kept giving me these weird looks like you wanted to tell me something but you couldn't. I almost didn't want to leave you alone today. I know how hard you took that break up between you and the Cullen kid . . . you both just seemed so head over heels for each other. I had the strangest fear that you'd be hitch-hiked half way to L.A. or somethin' by the time I got home. Harry had to snap me out of it a few times today. I guess what I'm trying to say is . . . I'm sorry I doubted you. You're a good kid and I'm real happy you decided to come live with me." He grinned and sipped his beer and I tried to force a smile, but it felt like all the blood had left my face. I had to wonder if he was doing this to me on purpose, to evaluate my reaction. Whatever it was, he'd hit the right nerve. Guilt burned through me from the inside out and the fire felt like it was trying to escape through my face.

"Well I'm sorry if I worried you. I know that sometimes things just aren't meant to be . . . and if it wasn't meant to be . . . well then he wouldn't be back in town, but for some reason the universe wanted it this way." It felt so wrong to lie to his face. Had things only went slightly different, he'd be sitting here by himself - all of his suspicions correct, but worse.

"You sound like your mother." He chuckled and I couldn't help but laugh, because it was true.

"Look Bells, I'm glad you were able to work things out with your . . . boyfriend and I'm sorry I probably don't seem all that understanding or enthusiastic about you dating, but I know what it's like to be head over heels for someone at such a young age - it can warp your mind - you can make all kinds of bad decisions. Just . . . please Bella. I don't want you makin' the same mistakes your mother and I did. You got a good head on your shoulders but you need to worry about you - if he's really uh . . . the one for you then your lives will move in sync easily without either of you havin' to change too much for the other." His words sent cold shivers down my spine. I set the ice cream on the coffee table and got up to hug Charlie. It probably felt as foreign for him as it did for me, but we both stayed like that for what felt like minutes. I was trying not to let my emotions get the best of me, but I was holding back tears that were threatening to spill over at any second like a burst dam.

I let go of Charlie and realized that the weight of my spoon had tipped over my ice cream container and there was a vanilla puddle melting on the coffee table. I picked it up and stood up to take it into the kitchen.

"Whoops. You need another beer while I'm up?" I asked with a sigh.

"Naw, that's okay kiddo, I gotta get going to bed soon. Just wanted to chat for a few minutes."

I hurried into the kitchen and grabbed a wad of paper towels. Once I cleaned up the mess and told Charlie good night, I headed upstairs to wait for Jasper - thankfully I didn't have to wait long. I took a few minutes to jot down some of the things I wanted to do before I changed on an empty page of my dream journal. Just as I'd finished scribbling down 'get a tattoo' I was alerted by familiar feeling that told me Jasper was outside. After the quick wave of his love washed over me, I looked up to see him coming through my window and I couldn't help but smile.

"You know, you don't have to leave that cracked - I can easily open it myself." He said, shutting the window behind him as he came in.

"I guess I know that, I just wanted to make it easier for you." He looked as handsome as he always did and it never failed to make my breath catch in my throat.

"While I do appreciate your efforts, I don't want you to freeze Bella, it's only 37 degrees outside." He smiled and came to place an icy cold hand on my shoulder and despite it's chill - I leaned into it and rested my face there for a moment. All the chaos of the day and tension from my conversation with Charlie seemed to melt away. I scooted over and made room so that he could slide into bed next to me and he took my cue. I was glad that it was only Saturday, we'd have the whole day to spend together tomorrow - and worry free at that, since his family wouldn't be getting home until very late tomorrow night. I wondered if we'd be able to tackle one of the things on my list. The journal was still sitting next to me on the bed and Jasper was eyeing it.

"May I?" He asked, pointing towards the journal. I nodded a bit nervously and watched as he found the newest entry.

"A bucket list of sorts." I said after a moment.

"I can see that." He chuckled and then scrunched his eyebrows together as he looked over my list. He glanced at it and then back to me several times before he said anything. I'd purposely left one small item off of my list- for obvious reasons. One thing involving Jasper that I would like to happen organically - when the time was right.

"How long have you been thinking about all of this Bella?"

"I don't know - a little while I guess." I admitted - trying not to chew on my lip.

"So why didn't you tell me about any of this last week? What if today . . . I mean . . . I want you to have all these experiences if you want them and more. I don't want you going into your next life with any regrets. You could have missed out Bella, you have to tell me what you want always. Okay?" He almost seemed disappointed and I felt sort of bad.

"It's not like there's anything life changing or super important on there - I could have lived without those things, but now that I know we have some more time I guess I would like to do them."

"Well, let's not waste anytime. I'll pull a few strings and see what we can do. You really can't find a decent or reliable tattoo shop that will tattoo a minor without parental consent, but if you're interested I could order the supplies and maybe give you one myself."

"Really? Do you think it will still be there once I change?" I asked, trying not to get my hopes up.

"I'm not entirely sure, but I don't think so."

"Aww, well I wish it would - then I could have your artwork on me forever."

"I'll talk to Carlisle and see what he knows. Okay and this one . . ." He pointed to the list, "What color are you thinking for your hair?" He grabbed a lock of my wet strands and twirled it around his finger.

"Something crazy - maybe blonde or like Little Mermaid bright red." I guess I hadn't really thought about it, but it was the first thing that came to mind.

"Okay, well would you like me to ask Alice if she'd like to help or would you like to go to a salon?"

"Do you really think she'd do it for me?"

"She's read pretty much any and every cosmetology book available - I'm sure she could brush up and do you justice."

"Yeah, sure, that'd be great." The thought of sitting for hours in whatever upscale salon Jasper would have tried to drag me to made me want to shudder - so I was glad there was an alternative.

"I'll have to see about the pot, but the beer should be easy. Do you wanna throw in a pack of cigarettes for good measure? I remember enjoying them as a human - of course now we know they're horrible for you, but it won't have any lasting effects after your change so I don't see the harm."

"Yeah, that . . . sounds good. I honestly wasn't sure if you'd approve of any of this. Thanks for being so cool about everything." For some reason I'd expected at least minimal push back.

"I want you to be able to experience all the things that you want to. If your dad finds out about any of this he'll probably ring your neck though, so we'll have to be careful."

"I can't really hide my hair, so that should be fun, but I guess that's all part of the experience. Come to think of it, I've never really even been in trouble - I should add that to the list." He grabbed the pen from my nightstand and added it for me before letting out a sigh.

"Alright you little hell raiser, you should probably get some sleep. Maybe we can knock a few things off the list tomorrow." I nodded and tried to suppress a yawn, but failed. He kissed my forehead and set my journal on the nightstand before turning off the light, it was almost midnight and my eyelids were heavy.

"I love you Jasper. Goodnight." I mumbled as I sunk down under the covers that Jasper was pulling up over my shoulders. My pillow felt like a cloud and I realized how good it felt to stretch out and relax my body after carrying so much tension around today - I knew I was going to sleep like a baby.

"I love you too Bella. Sweet dreams." Then the warm cloak of his heavy sleep cocktail, mixed with my own drowsiness, lulled me gently to sleep.