Service With a Smile
Who here could use some cheering up? I think we all could – just look around you. The world is begging for a comedian, a real comedian, who can transform tragedy into comedy. Yes, it's been a helluva year. The world literally on fire, pestilence and diseases spreading far and wide, violence, plagues, political ads, people spending too much time online so they're becoming deranged and unable to engage with reality anymore – hey, I know how it feels, trust me! Sometimes it seems like there's no point in engaging with reality anymore, because it's so goddamn grim and miserable. You could always reject reality, of course – a sound method, tried and true, that's helped many people over the centuries. I know a lotta freaks who've gone down that route – just completely snapped. The Hat Guy comes to mind – that guy's given up on reality completely to engage in this weird, fantasy world of his own making. But he seems happy, and that's really all that matters. But me, I prefer to engage with reality, to try to transform the world into the kinda place I want it to be, a happy place full of smiles and laughter.
Don't get me wrong – it's difficult. Real change is difficult. You can't just post a Twitterbook hashtag or an Instatweet photo and expect that to solve the world's problems. Solving the world's problems takes time and effort, and it's hard, constant, painful work. Literally in my case. Do you know how much pain I've suffered at the hands of a crazed vigilante? I mean, don't get me wrong, I enjoy the pain, and I admire the guy – he's doing the same thing I'm doing. Trying to remake reality in his image, trying to make the world into the place he wants to see. Only in his case, the reality he wants to see is completely out of reach and delusional – a world without crime? A world where justice and fairness always wins the day? Give me a break. The only way you'll get there is by making human beings into something they're not, something perfect like Superman or somebody, when humanity is inherently imperfect. Nobody has ever been able to perfect people, and nobody will ever be able to do that. Anytime it's been tried, even with good intentions, the results are a horrific amount of carnage, murder, and mayhem. And that's fine by me – I love those things. The suffering of humanity is basically all a joke anyway. But somehow I think it's not what the people who want world peace and harmony really intend.
Something about humanity is naturally wild and crazy and violent, and rejects any attempts to change that. Again, I've come to terms with that reality, but Batman hasn't. Any dream of total equality and fairness is a delusion, a delusion greater than any I got. Any delusion that you can make the world better relies on the assumption that you can make people better. And if centuries of repressive religion couldn't do it, what makes you think pathetic notions of order and sanity can?
Now me, I'm a comedian, first and foremost, but I'm also a public servant. Not like your fake public servants – politicians, journalists, and the like. Scum of the earth, all of 'em. Anybody who goes around saying their motivation is to help humanity is a liar. Anybody who goes around saying they're a hero fighting for the little people is a liar. Look at Batman. The guy says he's all for order and justice, but taking the law into his own hands isn't any kinda justice. He's just a violent thug who likes beating people up. Don't get me wrong – I'm not against the guy. Whatever floats his boat is fine by me. And we're two of a kind, like I said, except his vision for the world is crazy, and mine isn't. His is universal order and justice, and mine is universal happiness for me.
That sounds kinda crazy, right? Why would doing something for me make the world a better place? But see, that's the only way the world can be a better place, if we work on our own happiness in it. Laughter is infectious, and spreading that around is the best thing you can do with your life. Change has got to come from within, from you – if you're not happy, there's no way you can make the world happy.
Now you might think that's impossible, humanity being the way it is, and the world being the way it is. But being happy is so easy, really. It's not like order and justice – it doesn't take a lotta brains or nuance. You just feel it, deep down inside. You feel like smiling, and you feel like laughing. You don't need a PhD or years of law school to figure out what it is and how to dispense it. It's a natural ability we all have, a natural instinct and inclination. Children are happy, because they're not old enough to see the world the way it is, the dark, miserable, gloomy place it is. Once we come to terms with reality, only a lunatic like me could be happy in it.
Or that's what the pessimists say. But me, I'm an optimist, and I hate pessimists. The people screaming, "We're all gonna die!" during my hostage situations are always the first to die – it's like a self-fulfilling prophecy because they annoy me. Sure, it's difficult to be happy in a miserable world, but it's certainly not impossible. It just takes a little effort. You have to fight for it, really fight for it, and often get the crap kicked outta you as a result. But that'll never wipe the smile offa this face, because I know I'm fighting for something good, and something attainable. Not justice or order or honor or principle or love or country or whatever other made-up crap people fight for. I fight for my own happiness.
It's selfish, I know, but everyone is selfish really. Like all those people who pretend they're fighting for the marginalized - they're just liars, and more than a few of them have pants on fire to prove it. They're fighting for themselves - they're fighting because the fight makes them happy. Oh, they'll deny it, just like Batman does. They'll talk of honor and justice and right, morality and principles and decency until the cows come home. But people choose to fight because they enjoy the battle – they get a kick outta their purpose in life being conflict. I understand – I get it too. The trick is just not to lie to yourself, to pretend you're a better person just because you think what you're fighting for is just. You're fighting because you enjoy fighting. There's not a cause out there that hasn't been led by selfish people, and there never will be. Even that Jesus guy was doing it for attention – he was probably hoping he'd be martyred and worshipped for it. And look at him now. Turned out ok for him, didn't it?
I'm not a particularly religious guy, and my girlfriend is Jewish, so she thinks that Jesus guy was a big fraud anyway. But you can't deny how effective his message was, and really his message was just speaking what he knew to be true. Whether it's objectively true doesn't really matter - the point is it was true for him. And not to compare myself to the big JC, but that's also what I do. I just tell the truth - I tell people the world's a madhouse, and all we can do is have a little fun in it. And just like the big JC, I get hurt and reviled for my message. But that doesn't make what I say any less true.
Batman's more like Jesus in a different way – he's got that whole messiah/martyr complex thing going on. He's secretly hoping one of us will kill him, and that he'll become an inspirational figure, which only really happens after people are dead. While they're alive, they're problematic, but once they're dead, everyone is a saint. It's just sad in Batman's case – imagine having the kinda life where you're hoping you'll be killed. Imagine thinking you'll be happier after you're dead than you ever could be while you're alive. I think it's kinda tragic. And it's why I'll never kill him – I just keep hoping that I can help him be happy, that he can see me and realize that the world's not all bad, that people can still have fun and be happy in it. I try to show him all these great gags, which he insists on ruining just because innocent people will get hurt. If he just let them play out for once, he might actually laugh at them. But then I guess that's just my hopeless optimism talking. What can I say? I just can't help being a happy guy. And I'm gonna spread that happiness like a virus, whether people want it or not. I'm gonna spread smiles and laughter and joy all over this great country, in every city and town in America, and maybe one day the world.
No need to thank me. It's just what I do.
The End