She died on June 15th, 2006.
Xiaoxi had died and it was my fault.
No, partially, I hadn't gone to therapy for nothing.
It was August, and I still hadn't gotten better.
But how are you supposed to get better when you know you did something horrible.
How can I return to school, see Amina and lie to her face, telling her that Xiaoxi was just a missing person.
Her parents were so worried. They called every night, the still called.
It felt as though my hands had been dirited — no — stained with blood.
It's my fault. It's my fault.
Carlisle doesn't like it when I say that. He doesn't like it when I get this way either, if I had been a normal person, if I hadn't remembered my past life — my family, my friends, my name — if I hadn't been born here to begin with —
No don't go down that rabbit hole again, no one likes it when you talk like this.
Alice sent me texts, a few — a dozen, a thousand, a million — I hadn't responded to her yet.
Jasper had my number now, he was worried, he would sometimes spend time over at my apartment — I have an apartment, a new apartment, I can't stay in the same one — the memories, the feelings, I can't I can't.
It's not healthy.
Jasper comes by, he sits with me, he even talks to me much longer than he had previously. Jasper had seen the most death of all the Cullens — no the vampires — it made sense why he was able to deal with my current… predicament with more ease.
I hadn't called Amina. I hadn't called anyone from school.
I don't want to go back to school, I don't want to stay here, I need to leave.
I want to go back home. My real home. I have things I need to do, questions I need answers, a life I need to live.
I remembered things I didn't want to.
Twilight. New Moon. Eclipse. Breaking Dawn.
No I don't remember all of it, I can't even remember what Breaking Dawn is even about. But I remember the others, not the books, no I never read the books. Ironic considering my current situation.
I hadn't spoken to Edward, I sometimes call Bella — but she can't come over — Charlie is always worrying.
Carlisle hadn't left my side, which is nice — but also annoying — no it's just nice.
I know it's because he cares. I wonder sometimes if I could do the same thing for him. If I even —
Rabbit hole, rabbit hole, don't fall down the rabbit hole.
I burned all my clothes and I listen to music too loud.
Xiaoxi's scream. Jane's cold voice. The Volturi. I never want to see them again. I never want to see vampires again.
Carlisle can't turn back into a vampire, but the rest of the Cullens can't turn human around me anymore.
Esme left a month ago, Alice told her about a vision.
Bella and Edward are getting married, and I'm happy for them.
But I'm not all the way here these days.
Rosalie is always worried and extremely empathetic to the point where it terrifies me, she acts sweet towards me. Pats my head, entangles her hands in my hair, speaks in a soft tone even though I can't entirely hear her anymore. Emmett changed too, I think that some of their maturity comes out during these situations, they are old vampires afterall.
Seth and Leah never leave my side, even though Carlisle still smells bad to them, they're always around.
I can't seem to look at Embry or Sam, they look really brokenhearted because of it.
Guilty. Guilty.
"Helen?" Carlisle calls me that all the time, but I don't like the name anymore. Everything feels fake. But I can't tell him the truth. What would he think?
He's always worried.
To think I ended up with him of all people, I wonder how he'd feel if he knew I was already his fan, though subconsciously.
"Helen." His hands are always warm.
Bree calls me often, she's lost and with Fred. Diego survived. Bree and Diego were supposed to have died, did my presence save their lives?
"Helen." The room was pitch black, I bought blackout curtains. I burned all of my old things in a fit of rage, no one could stop me, Alice saw it would only end up worse.
"No Helen." I whispered quietly, so much so that he leaned in closer. Carlisle's always touchy now, more than before, he eats and sleeps. "I don't want to be Helen."
He acts human while also vampire at the same time.
People have mentioned that his eyes look old and mature.
He looks like he's twenty-three. Only a few years older than me, it's all so strange.
"Why not?" I covered my face with my cover. Xiaoxi's ring was on a necklace around my neck. I held it close, I don't know how to give it to her parents.
I felt his heartbeat quicken.
Strange. Strange.
"You know why." He knows about my other life.
"Do you want a different name? Should we look for a good one?" He asked softly into my hair that he recently washed for me.
Just like he did everything.
Too good. He was always too good.
"I don't know." I muttered and shook my head. "No, Helen works for now."
"Why just for now?"
"Because I need to leave here." He stiffened, the last time I said those words were a couple days after Xiaoxi died.
Accidents. Accidents. Purposeful accidents. Intentional accidents.
If they were intentional and purposeful then they weren't accidents.
"I don't mean it that way." I said quietly but he didn't loosen up. "I'm not gonna do it again."
"You said that last time — and the time before that."
"But I mean it this time." Sort of. "I have things to do. I don't want to go to school. I don't want to see people who know me — her, Helen — I want to go somewhere different."
I didn't like my face anymore. It felt fake.
"When?"
"Now."
"Soon."
"Now."
"Soon."
We went through this everyday. "When is soon?" I asked him and I felt his hand caress my cheek.
"Let's just wait for Alice. It shouldn't be much longer."
I push his hand away, irritated and he pulls away.
It wasn't my apartment, though it was in my name, Carlisle bought it.
Guilt.
Jacob was missing, of course he was, he heard about the wedding.
It wasn't surprising, though I didn't understand his infatuation with Bella.
There were HAVE YOU SEEN THIS BOY? Posters were for Jacob, CHarlie had printed them up and spread them over the town. not just Forks, but Port Angeles and Sequim and Hoquiam and Aberdeen and every other town in the Olympic Peninsula. He'd made sure that all the police stations in the state of Washington had the same flyer hanging on the wall, too. His own station had a whole corkboard dedicated to finding Jacob. A corkboard that was mostly empty, much to his disappointment and frustration.
There were very little responses, but Billy was Charlie's worst disappointment. He didn't bother searching for him, accepting that Jacob was grown.
He was true and Bella didn't seem to mind either, since they had an estimate as to where he was but no one had seen him.
"I'm tired of waiting."
"Don't you want to see the wedding."
Weddings were boring, but it was Bella's.
Renee would be there, we hadn't spoken since she left with Bella because of Charlie but also because of my strange appeanrace into her child's crib.
Guilt.
"You're poking the bandages, I'm going to have to redo them." Carlisle said and I ignored him. They went a little everywhere, I was as 'accident' prone as Bella.
"You don't let me bite my nails anymore." I accused.
"The last time —"
"It's always the last time." I growled out and placed my head on the pillow. "Why can't we just do something new, something in the now."
He opened his mouth to say something, but abruptly closed it.
"What were you going to say?"
He looked at me for a moment and rubbed his hand through my hair, he loved my hair, they all did. It was different.
"You're not even present, you can hardly get out of bed."
"There's no reason to, you do everything for me anyway."
Or rather I wasn't allowed to do anything.
Accidents. Accidents.
Sometimes I wondered how far his patience goes.
"I'm going to the park."
He sent me a wary look as I pulled the blackout curtains off and cringed as I saw the rain.
"Why does it always rain here?" I asked to no one in particular.
"Where do you want to go?" Carlisle asked suddenly and I raised an eyebrow at him.
"What? Change of heart?" He sent me a small smile, he didn't hold big ones anymore.
"For curiosity sake."
I pushed myself to the wall and glanced around at the room.
It had a living room, kitchen space, bathroom and single bed. It looked more like one large room than anything else.
"Ohio. I want to check somethings."
"You mean your family home?" He asked and I shook my head.
"No, that won't be necessary until 2008. I just want to look around for a bit. Then I want to go anywhere and everywhere. Though we should leave the U.S. before the Housing Crisis hits." He smiled lightly in amusement.
We never did go anywhere that day, but we shared our desires and dreams.
I didn't feel any better.