FINDING THE STRENGTH TO HOLD ON

Surviving

Maddie:

I stared blankly at the wall across from me. The wallpaper was flaking, bubbling from pockets of air in odd small sections. It was long overdue to be either replaced or, heaven forbid just ripped off completely. A feeling swirled deep inside the pit of my stomach with just the thought of pulling it off or even the lingering knowledge of it peeling away on its own. I knew what the feeling was. I was accustomed to it; I live with it following me around like my shadow just waiting for any opportunity to engulf me at any unexpected chance.

Fear.

But it wasn't the wallpaper that had me captured in fear, it was the man in the house who had too much control with just the title alone of being a parent. He was in charge of us. He decided if the wallpaper was simply peeling away with age or if I had picked and pried it away in a rebellious act. He decided what actions he got to take in disciplining us.

So yes, the flaking wallpaper was terrifying.

"Maddie, are you okay?"

My whispered name in the deadly quiet room was enough to pull me from my wallpaper fears. I looked over to Emalie standing next to the bed I was sitting on. It was a springy, creaky bed that oddly wasn't the worst bed I'd slept on. I gave my worried looking sister a nod telling her I was fine and instantly she smiled back at me. Emalie reached out her hand and gently grasped my lower arm that was holding my right wrist in my left hand while my thumb ran endlessly over the long pink scar that crossed my right wrist. There were many fading scars on my forearm but it was this particular one that I always found myself tracing absentmindedly. It was a habit I had started to do, mostly when I was on edge or uncomfortable, I'd find my thumb always rubbing the same scar.

She stepped back on her heal spinning gracefully and flopped down on the bed next to me which let out its expected screech as the springs adjusted under her weight. Our bodies crashed and bumped into each other, our shoulders resting against one another because the mattress had seen its days and did very little apart from caving into itself around whoever was either sitting or lying on it. Emalie didn't give me a knowing look like she'd normally do or linger impatiently. She simply grasped my hand long enough to stop my movement, dismissing the habit and all that it usually meant- that I was lost in my own head.

"We'll be out of here soon, and then we're free." She murmured not looking at me but the sheer determination in her brown eyes was incredibly convincing.

EJ, who was hovering by the bedroom door gave Emalie a sideways glance. There was only the bedside lamp on so we didn't draw any attention from the two foster parents that were roaming the house. I could see in the dim light EJ was on our sister's side about the getting out of here but the 'free' part might not be so easy. Perhaps free from this house, but we'd never be free from everything else in the world that would be chasing us.

It was nearing eleven o'clock, Mr. Thomson had already passed out on the couch an hour ago but we were waiting for Mrs. Thomson to start her shower. That way we could slip out of our bedroom window and get to the nearest bus station without being noticed or heard. The plan was based heavily on the idea that as long as Mrs. Thomson was in the shower, she couldn't run after us. Mr. Thomson in his drunken state usually couldn't walk straight let alone run off after us.

Getting caught either way wasn't an option.

We were walking on egg shells with Amanda, our Social Service Worker. She said two months ago when she dropped us off that this was the only home she could find that would take the four of us. Four siblings, the same age was near impossible to place in the same household. Especially when splitting up wasn't an option to us. That had happened twice and neither time ended well for anyone. If we walked out of this house, we were completely on our own.

It was only yesterday when Mason had told us that he had had enough. That he wanted not only out of this house but truthfully, out of the system all together. Impossible in the governments eyes when you were only thirteen.

This household, living with Mr. Thomson and his wife wasn't a place we wanted to be trapped in. It was becoming too dangerous. Mr. Thomson spent his days drinking and tormenting us before he eventually passed out somewhere in the house. Mrs. Thomson was the one who had signed up to take us in, only she worked most days so she never knew the things her husband did to us and anything she might have noticed she never commented on it. I believed she wanted us, wanted children in the house but the cost was growing too high when she refused to acknowledge us most days. It left me wondering if we were actually here to distract his attention off from her.

When Mason declared he wanted us to go, as always EJ was ready to bounce at the chance to escape and Emalie and I were more than happy to get away from this man. It never mattered how protective Mason and EJ were of Emalie and myself or how quick they were to pull us away, they couldn't have stopped Mr. Thomson from half of the blows we had endured from him over our stay here. It wasn't worth staying no matter the battles we would have to face outside. We had stayed before- held out a little longer- it had been the biggest mistake we'd ever faced.

My sight was locked on EJ as he moved closer to the door, pressing up against it without actually touching the wood. I held my breath as the nerves inside me fought to take over. Very quietly and very carefully EJ opened the door just enough at first to see out off and not enough to let it creak. EJ paused for a moment and listened before opening the door wider and taking a hesitant step outside the room. Mason, Emalie and I all sat in complete silence as EJ went out of sight and down the hall before returning eight seconds later and jumping back into the room closing the door softly but quickly behind him.

"Okay she just turned the shower on, let's move." He whispered excitedly his chest heaving up and down nervously. He said it a little breathless as though he had held his breath from the moment he opened the door and had only let it out when he'd returned again.

Just like a practised fire drill, soundlessly Mason rushed over and slid opened the bedroom window while Emalie and I grabbed our already packed backpacks that had been hidden under our beds. We didn't have much in them, just a spare change of clothes and some snacks. Only essential items and the odd few small belongings we'd kept over time. Always moving around, you learn that it's easiest to keep as little trinkets as possible otherwise they got destroyed or lost. Also, if you had to run, you always took only what you could carry.

"Come on let's go." Mason hissed, the stress coming to show. As the eldest he obsessed with watching out over the rest of us. It could have been annoying if it wasn't so always necessary.

Emalie took hold of my hand and lead me over to Mason who was already out the window and standing outside waiting to help the rest of us out. We were lucky it was a one-story house and we could in fact climb out the window. Without a word said between us we moved almost as one, Emalie and I passed our four bags to Mason and EJ listened watching our backs at the bedroom door.

My heart beat fast and strong in my chest. There was no turning back now. Emalie nudged me towards Mason and I crouched through the window as Mason's hands gripped me making sure I didn't fall or get caught. I stumbled awkwardly when my feet hit the grass not having anticipated the difference of the drop. Mason didn't let me go until he knew I was right and balanced. If I fell and knocked something, it'd be game over before it started. Emalie was already half out the window when Mason turned back for her, again guiding her the same way out. I gathered our backpacks from off the damp grass and soaked in what I prayed was my last glance at the bedroom. It seemed now that I was outside standing in the pitch black of night that the small lamp illuminated more of the small room than I ever realized before. Somehow every detail in the room stood out brighter.

I watched EJ wait for Emalie, he didn't move an inch until she was completely outside with Mason and myself. In his eyes- safe. EJ walked across the small space of the room, the skill in his soundless steps was effortless. He flicked the lamp off covering us all in total darkness, he slipped out the window and pulled his hooded jumper over his mop of brown hair. His hazel eyes blazed back at me with newfound fire as I handed him his bag.

"Let's go." He gleamed somehow reassuring any doubt that was creeping its way into me.

The night air was freezing and I pulled my navy-blue hoodie over my head just as EJ had wishing I'd had a beanie instead but I knew as we set out walking, we'd warm up a bit. Mason started forward and we all followed coming out on to the street. Emalie walked close, shoulder to shoulder with EJ trailing only a step behind me. The moment we turned down an ally and disappeared from sight of the house we all let out a breath of relief. Yes, we had little idea where we were going but we were together and that's all that mattered.

The fear subsided instantly. Us four siblings were together. Mason, EJ, Emalie and myself. We only had each other, that's all we've ever really had so we were going to stay together. And if running made us safer, then that's exactly what we were going to do.

As expected at this late hour, there weren't many people at the bus station at this time of night, only a few couples standing around in pairs and the homeless man who was walking the station bay searching for anything thrown away that he might be able to use. EJ sat with me on one of the stone benches while Mason and Emalie went and organized our tickets. He was quiet and lost in thought and that was strange for EJ, he wasn't one to sit in silence.

I bumped his shoulder with mine and straight away he turned his head to me with full attention. "You okay?" I asked with a worried expression.

"Of course, I am sis." He smiled and wrapped his arm around me.

I leaned onto the embrace of my brother. "What were you thinking?"

EJ let out a sigh, his chest rising and falling against my head. "I was thinking how glad I am that we are all out of that house."

The relief in his voice was overwhelming. It made me wonder just how much he worried about us living there and what our life had come to. Was life really showing us that living on the street was our safest option to survive. I didn't comment back, instead I looked over to where one of the ticket booths were and noticed the huge clock hanging on the wall. Twelve twenty in the morning.

I smiled. We were officially fourteen.

EJ must have noticed my gaze because his arm tightened around me. "Happy birthday, to us." He whispered in my ear. "I reckon it's the best one yet."

I couldn't help the small snicker escape my lips, it was indeed the best birthday yet. This is the most we have ever done for our birthday and not having been caught yet was the best birthday present too.

At that moment Mason and Emalie arrived back, Emalie skipping with tickets in her hand. "Our bus is arriving, let's get out of here." Emalie sang with excitement. I shook my head catching sight of the headlights on the approaching bus. Fourteen years old and everything appeared to be going okay, I soaked it up, even if it had only been twenty-one minutes.

It took us two days driving around on buses before we finally stopped. Swapping over at different cities since we left Minneapolis. Depending on how the news of our disappearance went when someone found out, we only had so much time to get as far away as possible. The further we travelled, we figured the harder it would be to find us and the longer we had to sort ourselves out. The only issues with the travelling part was that even though we had covered a great deal of distance, it was extremely costly. Especially by something as slow as buses.

We had a bit of money, most of what we had pinched from the Thomson's safe. Mason wasn't happy about taking it but it had been necessary if we wanted to get away, it only ever was used for Mr. Thomson's alcohol fix anyway.

The plan was to make it to New York. A city where so much happened and we could get lost in it. That plan had come to a grinding halt when the driver of the bus we were on as we neared the outer towns stopped and questioned us. We had tried desperately to keep up our appearances, to not act as tired as we were, to keep our clothes looking fresh or even just our hair tidy. After slugging it around for a few hours on each bus it took its toll and we looked more and more like the runaways we very much were trying to hide. Four kids unaccompanied on an extremely long road trip with their backpacks were a sure sign something was up. No matter how friendly or subtle the driver was trying to be, when she walked over to one of the security guards we took off running in the opposite direction.

We couldn't go back now.

So, we ducked through the small station throwing glances over our shoulders and slipped onto the first bus that we knew would take us in the opposite direction and hopefully throwing the driver off our trail from chasing us. We stayed on, passing through Boston and ended up somewhere is Maine where eventually cities changed into towns and then to houses before they spaced out to open fields and forests. At the last stop we were forced to exit, this time the driver not giving us a second glance only making sure everyone got out. It was nearing four in the afternoon and a Monday so perhaps we had gone from looking like four runaways to four kids taking the bus home after school.

Our effort to get as far away within our two days had been a great achievement. We were down a fair bit of money but it felt worth it. I felt lost in a whole new world and if I had no idea where exactly I was or whatever little town we had fallen into then I was somehow convinced no one would find us.

The only problem we had now was that it was only just turned early Spring and there was a slight chill in the air as the sun started to lower and position itself ready to set in the horizon. We walked, set on a spot to stop. This wasn't where we had planned on being but we had accomplished greatly. That, I was proud of no matter what happened from now onward.

"Can we please find somewhere to crash because I'm about to pass out from exhaustion any minute." Emalie cried out, her whole body swaying with each step she took.

The two of us were both walking behind the boys following, dragging our feet while trying not to fall over. All four of us were extremely fatigued and starving having spent the last however-many-hours trying not to appear paranoid or appear like lost teenagers.

"It looks like there's an old house on the other side of that river bed. It appears run down, probably an old shed or barn. I'd say no one lives there, it'll be worth checking out if you want to stop." Mason said pointing behind a small group of houses and across a small field.

"Yes, sounds like a great plan." Emalie chirped up. It wasn't as though we hadn't slept the night out on the street before. Not many times, only a handful of times before. It wasn't something to get use to but you had to pick your battles.

This was a consequence; one of what I was sure to be quite a few that we had to face. A night huddled up in an old shed or abandoned building, even the right playground worked well to protect you from the night's elements. But it was always a sleepless night, resting with one eye open. I hated every second of it. But hate was never as strong as the feeling of fear.

We approached a river that divided the houses and the field, if you could call it that. It was more a stream that probably ran through the near fields and paddocks and then eventually off into the surrounding forest somewhere. Its water ran steady but it wasn't deep, the clear water rushed passed rocks at about ankle deep. EJ was the first to step his foot out and hesitatively test all the rocks, instructing us which ones to stand on that were stable. I was next and Mason and Emalie were behind me, Emalie was mumbling to herself the whole time of how tired she was. I found myself caught between smiling at her complaints and focusing on which moss cover rock I was supposed to follow on.

I jumped to where EJ was standing on the other side, gripping hold of his extended hand as he steadied me. My backpack threw my weight around while my legs fought to find stable ground to balance me. Gathering myself and letting go of EJ I looked back over at Emalie who was halfway across. I could tell something was wrong when she paused before taking her next step to the rock in front of her. Just when I opened my mouth and was about to question her, I saw her foot reach for the rock. She moved too quickly, it threw her off balance and she started to wobble.

"Emalie!"

Mason who was behind her saw my face drop and heard my yell but as quick as his reflexes usually were, Emalie slipped from the rock and fell forward into the ankle-deep water. We all ran in the water to Mason who was now lifting Emalie up. Water soaked through her jeans and jumper.

"Em, you okay?" EJ fanatically questioned.

Mason had her already in his arms and up off the water floor before she let out a loud groan. "Ow."

Mason stomped through the water carrying Emalie as she fought between expressing her pain and being out right annoyed that she had managed to get wet. He placed her down on the grass and we all crouched around her. She went to move her hand to her forehead but I stopped her and instead gently moved some of her light brown hair out of her face. She had what looked like a deep cut just above her left eye brow and blood was running down the side of her hair towards her ear. EJ removed one of his shirts from his bag and pressed it to her head to stop the bleeding as I pulled her damp hair that had gotten wet out of her face. There was tiny bits of leaves and moss that clung to the skin on her face and I wiped them off from her scrunched up face. Her head hurt, I could see it in the expression on her face.

We all smothered her. Mason supporting her up, his hand cupping her neck and holding her head still while she fought against the pressure EJ was applying his balled-up shirt to her cut. I used my sleeve to dry the water off her face and push back her hair.

"Ow!" Emalie cried again, more of a bite in her tone. Her eyes darted sharply to her side where she couldn't quite see EJ.

I caught the shake of her hand. "Did you hurt it?" I snatched hold of her hand checking it over. It was cold from the water but there were no obvious scratches or cuts.

She clenched and unclenched her hand and rotated her wrist in my hand while I watched her face twist up in discomfort. "It's fine. I just landed on it wrong. My hand slipped on the slimy ground when I went down."

"That explains the head injury." Mason said unamused.

I let her hand go and moved behind her gathering up her lose hair, mindful of how it pulled around the skin covered in blood. I slipped the hair lackey from around my wrist and tied up her hair loosely. EJ pried back the crumpled and now stained shirt to peek at the damage.

"You had to fall and hit your head didn't you." EJ joked with a grimace.

"Em, I don't think it's going to stop bleeding. I don't know how deep it is." Mason gave her an apologetic glance while inspecting what EJ was trying to control.

"I'm going to need stitches, aren't I?"

Mason looked at all of us. If it had been a cut anywhere else I knew he would have let it go but the head wasn't something to just let slide. "I'm sorry."

We all let out some sort of similar sighs and agitated groans but agreed Emalie needed it looked at as blood had now turned EJ's once blue shirt now a crimson red. Not one of us would forgive ourselves if the fall had done something serious to Emalie.

"I got you Em, you keep pressure on that cut okay." Mason told Emalie as he stood planning on carrying her.

"Wait." I protested snatching Emalie's bag and diving into it. I yanked out another jacket, a lighter one than she had already on but at least one that wasn't wet. I helped her shrug out of her damp one and luckily the water hadn't soaked her to the bone. Her shirt underneath was mostly dry, it was just her jeans she would have to fight with for now.

"Thanks." She mumbled back grateful but beyond annoyed at the turn of events.

I stuffed her wet jumper in her bag and gathered it up with mine and EJ grabbed Mason's. We started back towards the direction of town where we had come from.

"Anyone actually know where we're going?" EJ wondered.

Mason let out a strangled chuckle. "Am I always the only one that pays attention?"

"You're the eldest." Emalie gave him a coy smile.

"We passed a hospital when we got off the bus." I interjected.

EJ beamed throwing his hands up in the air. "No, Mason." He sang. "You're not the only one that pays attention." He gestured towards me.

Luckily the walk to the hospital wasn't long and took us all of ten minutes of back tracking. None of us wanted to be at the hospital we had spent countless days in the waiting rooms from bad foster parents and every time we had to go back to the hospital it only resulted in more trouble at home or involvement from Social Services.

"It's not your fault I fell Mason." Even though I was walking behind them I could tell Emalie had rolled her eyes.

"I should have been watching you. I should have seen it and caught you before."

"Mas, you can't save me from every fall. It's not your fault at all and I don't want you to say it was again. Do you hear me?" She lowered her voice threateningly and Mason nodded to her as we entered through the glass doors of the hospital.

We all approached the front desk and a lady in her sixties maybe looked up at us. "Can we please see a doctor. My sister fell and hit her head on a rock and it won't stop bleeding." EJ polity said. I wasn't sure entirely if Emalie's cut had stopped bleeding but EJ's shirt was unrecognisable and the blood staining her skin had smudged across her forehead and down her cheek.

The elder lady hissed in sympathy. "That doesn't look too good sweetie. Just keep that pressure on it alright and I'll page a doctor now to come out and look at you." She picked up the phone stationed on the desk in front of her and dialled a few numbers. "Take a seat over there kids and the doctor will come out okay."

With our uttered thanks we all quietly took our seats on the plastic chairs lining the waiting bay area, all settling side by side. The uncomfortable feeling didn't need to be acknowledged between us, we all felt it, as suffocating as it was. I had my head down and buried in my knees, curled tight in a ball when the doctor walked over to us and greeted us. The waiting area was practically empty so I anticipated the man in the white doctor's coat that came into the room not five minutes later was here to examine Emalie.

"Hi kids, my name is Dr. Cullen." When my eyes flickered up I saw a young man, blond hair, and skin as pale as ours with eyes, the most unusual colour. He may have appeared young but there was an edge to him that came off older than just his looks. "Wendy over there tells me you hit your head." He said with interest and not just fact.

"We were playing on the rocks over a stream when she fell and hit her head. The cut wouldn't stop bleeding so we thought she might need stitches." Mason answered for all of us. We'd learnt if one of us talks then we don't worry about matching up our stories when we need to. A habit that may have easily turned into a defence mechanism.

Dr. Cullen knelt down in front of Emalie and bent closer to get better look at her forehead. Even though I was on the end and EJ was between me, I still shifted as the doctor leaned forward.

"Can I ask what your name is?" There was a gentle patience to his voice I wasn't accustomed to.

"Emalie."

"Well Emalie." He smiled prying EJ's shirt slightly away from her head. "You're lucky, the cut doesn't look too bad. We can go and clean it up if you like?" Dr Cullen waited for Emalie to answer before he moved. Only when she nodded her head he stood back and waited for her to follow him. The man directed his attention to Mason before leading Emalie away into one of the rooms. "Are you Emalie's brother?"

"Yes, we are all siblings." Mason answered.

"If you don't mind while I help Emalie, Wendy has a patient detail sheet that needs to be filled out. Just so we can contact your parents and ensure we are not giving Emalie anything that she is allergic to."

Emalie stared wide-eyed back at Mason as he hesitated just a second to answer. "Sure." Mason nodded which only caused Emalie to roll her eyes at him without anyone seeing before she was swept away down the hall.

Once they were out of ear shot EJ turned and smacked Mason on the shoulder. "What are we going to do now? If they find out they will contact Mr. Thomson."

"EJ don't worry." Mason reasoned back. "I'll just put a random phone number down. Once Emalie is done we can just get out of here."

Mason stood abruptly up and walked back over to the front desk. EJ and I watched the older lady hand him a clipboard and pen.

"Don't worry Maddie, we'll be out of here soon." EJ whispered in my ear.

Just when we thought we were going okay, life throws it all in our faces again and laughs. I would say we were cursed but I feared it too much to be true. I hugged my knees tight against my chest, my toes hanging off the plastic seat as I squashed myself together to fit. I was beginning to fear that we'd never be free.