Author's Note: This chapter will pick up right where Chapter 21 left off, and then I play with the timeline just a little bit :) We're getting so close to the end, y'all!
Thanks for all of your incredible reviews! I appreciate them so very much.
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Chapter 22
Elliot looked up when the door opened, and he could immediately tell that Olivia had been crying. He rushed over to her, and before he could say anything, she held up her hand and said, "Don't."
Elliot stepped back, clenching his fists to keep from pulling her into his arms. Olivia took a few pacing steps in front of him, and he could tell she was wrestling with her words. When she finally looked up at him, her red-rimmed eyes and tear-streaked face broke his heart.
"Captain Cragen is retiring, El."
Olivia could see the shock on Elliot's face, and she was certain her face matched his when their beloved captain made his announcement in the squad room.
Her heart was broken. Again.
Elliot's departure had shattered her, and she'd feared then that it was irreparably destroyed. His return came at such a perfect time, and she'd begun to heal.
Then Munch left, breaking her heart all over again. Now, her captain was leaving her too.
Cragen had been the closest thing to her as a father, a relationship she'd always longed for, and he filled that role as best he could. She knew he looked at her as the daughter he always wanted, and she cherished their close bond. How was she supposed to move on without his guidance?
More importantly, how was she supposed to fill his role?
"Wow," Elliot said. "I wasn't expecting that, especially so soon after Munch."
Just as Cragen had been a father-figure for Olivia, in his own way, he'd done the same for Elliot. It was a relationship he'd missed while he was away, and it was one he'd appreciated now that he'd been back.
He couldn't stop himself from remembering the phone call that changed everything.
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Elliot could faintly hear a vibrating sound coming from somewhere in his bedroom. Unsure of what it could be, he began searching for the source of the sound. He finally realized it was coming from under the bed, and after pulling the bed away from the wall, he discovered that his cell phone had fallen. He thought back to the last time he remembered using it, and he knew it must have been a couple of days.
It wasn't atypical for Elliot to go several days without speaking to anyone, but he was concerned when he saw numerous missed calls and texts, most recently from his former captain. Without giving a second thought, he immediately redialed Cragen's number.
"Elliot, thank goodness," Cragen said as he answered the phone.
"Hey Cap," Elliot said uneasily. "It's been awhile."
"It has. Listen, Elliot, this isn't a social call. Do you know what's going on with Olivia?"
Elliot sighed, brushing his hand over his face. "Cap, you know I haven't spoken to her since I left."
"But have you seen the news?" Cragen asked.
"News? Don, what's going on? Is Liv ok?" Elliot had begun to panic a little at everything his captain wasn't saying.
Cragen hesitated before answering the question. "Elliot, she was taken by one of our perps."
Elliot felt like he was going to pass out, sitting down on the bed and gripping the sheet as he tried to remember how to breathe. "What? Where is she? Where did he take her?"
"Calm down. We got her back yesterday."
"But is she ok?"
"She's pretty banged up," Cragen answered. "She has a concussion, a broken wrist, and a few cracked ribs, but compared to what he did to his other vics, we got lucky."
"What did he do to them?" Elliot asked, fearing the answer to his question.
Cragen hesitated before he responded, knowing how much it could upset Elliot. "Rape, murder…days-long, prolonged torture. Some of the worst we've seen."
Elliot couldn't help the tears that started to fall, aching for the woman he loved so deeply, while also feeling incredibly guilty that he wasn't there in her time of need.
"How long did he have her?"
"Four days."
"Four days?!" Elliot yelled. "What took you so long?!"
"We didn't know until she'd been gone for two. I…sent her home after his case was dropped due to a technicality. It wasn't until she didn't show up for work that we realized something was wrong."
"Why didn't you tell me? I could've helped! I could've done…something!" Elliot said, overcome with fear, anger, and a deep throbbing in his chest.
"You couldn't," Cragen said. "You don't have a badge. There's nothing you could've done, but there's a reason I'm calling now. Elliot, she needs you."
"She asked for me?" Elliot asked, surprised that he'd be on Olivia's mind after all of this time.
"No, but Nick Amaro, her…current partner, he called me last night and said that he thinks she could really benefit from a visit. I guess when Lewis had her, something about you came up, and Amaro said he thinks she needs you."
As much as Elliot wanted to see her, after what he'd done, he wasn't sure she'd want him anywhere near her. "Do you really think she'd see me?"
Cragen sighed. "Honestly, I think she'll resist because of her pride, but I think you know her better than anyone else, and I think because of that, you're the best person to help her through this. She needs you."
"I…I don't know," Elliot said, torn between wanting to be there with her and worrying she'd immediately push him away.
"Elliot, I know what she means to you, and I know she feels the same way about you. She's never been the same since you left, so there's a lot to work through, but if anyone can reach her, it's you. After…everything, you owe it to her to show up for her right now."
Elliot considered Cragen's request. Not a single day went by that he didn't think about Olivia and deeply miss her. He missed her beautiful brown eyes, her gorgeous smile, the big one that anyone rarely drew out of her. He missed her laugh, the way her eyebrow rose when he said something stupid or when someone crossed her. He missed her sarcasm, the way she put him in his place, watching her interrogate a perp. He missed seeing her with his children, and, while it only happened on incredibly rare occasions, he missed the feel of her in his arms. The thought of something happening to her, of her being taken, injured, tortured, destroyed him, and as hard as it would be, she needed him, and he was willing to do anything she needed him to do.
"Don, give me three hours, and I'll be there. Text me the address."
"Thank you Elliot. I'll let Amaro know to be expecting you, and I'll let him decide if he should tell Olivia or not."
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Olivia interrupted Elliot from his thoughts. "There's more," she said, wiping her eyes, willing the tears not to fall again.
"What is it, Liv?" Elliot asked softly.
She took a deep breath before sharing the next piece of her news. "For now, at least until the department decides to make a change, I'm commanding officer of SVU."
Elliot's mouth dropped open before curving up into a huge smile.
"Sergeant Olivia Benson is SVU's CO?" he asked, taking a few steps toward her.
Finally, Olivia's mouth turned up into a tiny smile. "Yeah," she said softly.
Elliot held out his arms, and Olivia walked into them, burying her face in his neck as he held her close.
"I'm unbelievably proud of you, Liv," he said softly, as his lips pressed against her head. "You've worked so hard, and you deserve every bit of this."
"Thank you," Olivia whispered. "I just hope I can do this."
"You can," Elliot insisted. "You're ready, and you're capable, and you've earned this. They are so lucky to have you. The continuity you'll provide, the stability you'll give the squad...none of you will have to worry about breaking in someone new or teaching someone what SVU is all about. This will be really good."
Olivia clung to him, breathing him in, feeling some of the stress of the last few hours leaving her body. Elliot's faith in her abilities gave her a little bit of peace and allowed her to really be proud of her accomplishment, one that she somehow managed to attain after the worst experience of her life. "I'm glad you have some confidence in me. I'm nervous, and I'm sad, but there is a part of me that is proud, especially after how the last year has gone."
Elliot squeezed her tighter. "You should be proud. Like I said, you've earned this."
"Thank you," Olivia said, looking up at him, again so, so grateful for him. "Your support means the world to me, Elliot."
He pulled her close as he kissed her. "I love you," he whispered.
Olivia nodded and kissed him again as she whispered back, "I love you."
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"Daddy! I can't see her!"
Eli's loud whispery voice echoed around the room, causing several people sitting near them to glare in their direction.
"You'll see her in a minute, son. When she goes to the stage, you'll get to see here up there," Elliot answered, hoping to quiet his son down.
"When she becomes a sergeant?" Eli asked, his voice far from quiet.
Elliot slipped his hand over the little boy's mouth. "Yes," he whispered. "No more talking until it's over or we're going to get thrown out, and then Liv will be upset with us."
Eli nodded his understanding as Elliot removed his hand. He leaned up and whispered, finally, into Elliot's ear. "I'll be quiet, Daddy."
Elliot couldn't help but smile at his son's excitement for Olivia. The little boy had woken them up earlier than necessary, so excited for a ceremony that he knew absolutely nothing about, except that it was a celebration for Olivia. Eli adored her so much, and he was thrilled to get the chance to see Olivia receive this well-deserved promotion.
Elliot himself was incredibly proud of her. All morning his thoughts had been consumed with memories from the early years of their partnership. Back then, Olivia had been so eager to learn, so determined to prove herself, and now she was receiving a promotion she'd worked very hard for. Elliot was glad to be there to witness this accomplishment.
When Olivia's name was called, both of the Stablers cheered for her, along with the rest of Olivia's squad. Olivia smiled at them, giving a slight nod of acknowledgement.
After the ceremony ended, Eli slipped from his father's arms, weaving in and out of the adults until he found Olivia. Elliot watched him run, knowing that attempting to stop his son would do no good at all, not when he was determined to see Olivia. He chuckled when Eli leapt into her arms, nearly knocking both of them to the ground.
"Congratulations Livia!" Eli said, hugging her tight.
Olivia kissed Eli's head, holding him close. "Thank you, sweet boy. I'm so glad you're here."
"Me too! I tried to be quiet, but I don't think I did a good job," Eli said, shrugging his shoulders.
Olivia laughed as Elliot walked up to them. "Sorry about that," he said, pulling Olivia into his arms. "I'm so proud of you," he whispered in her ear as he kissed the side of her head.
Moments later, the rest of the squad joined them, taking their turns congratulating their new sergeant.
"Thank you all for being here today," Olivia said. "It really means a lot that you all came."
Fin put his arm around her, pulling her against his side. "We got a call, but we couldn't leave until we saw you walk across that stage. Rollins and I need to go, but don't worry about anything. We'll let you know if we need you."
"Thanks Fin."
As Amanda and Fin walked away, Nick knelt down to talk to Eli. "So, what do you think about all of this today?" he asked the little boy.
"My Livia is a sergeant!" Eli announced proudly.
"She sure is, and she's going to be a great sergeant. You must be really proud of her," Nick said.
Eli wrapped his arms around Olivia. "Yeah! She gets to be a sergeant, and my daddy was a detective, so she's a better police officer than daddy was."
Nick and Olivia both couldn't hold in their laughter, and Nick looked up at Elliot. "You've got your kid pulling Olivia's rank on you?" he asked.
Elliot smiled and shrugged before reaching for Olivia's hand. "She earned it, and we're proud." He tugged on her hand until she was in his arms. "Very proud, Sergeant Benson."
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Over the next few weeks, Olivia settled into her new position as sergeant. As she'd predicted, it was difficult to transition from coworker to supervisor, and there was an additional stress in knowing that the decisions were hers to make; there was no captain to direct her. All of the pressure fell onto her shoulders, and it was challenging.
Most days, Olivia collapsed into bed shortly after returning home. Elliot made a point to wait up for her, meeting her at the door with a hug and usually something to eat. Sometimes she ate, and other times she barely made it to bed before her eyes closed.
Elliot could see the toll it was taking on Olivia, and while a part of him thought he should keep his thoughts to himself, they were together now, and he needed to make sure she was taking care of herself. He knew she was stressed at work and trying to prove that promoting her to sergeant and CO for now was the right move, but if she didn't slow down, she was going to crash.
One evening, when Olivia came home later than usual, barely able to stand due to her exhaustion, Elliot decided it was time to have a talk to her.
When she tossed her coat and bag down in a chair, she immediately melted into Elliot's embrace, closing her eyes, nearly asleep where she stood.
"Come eat something, Liv," Elliot said softly in her ear.
Olivia shook her head. "No. Too tired, and I'm a little sick to my stomach. I just need to sleep so I'll feel better in the morning."
As Olivia pulled away from him, starting toward their room, Elliot said, "Liv, you can't keep going like this?"
"Like what?" Olivia asked, turning back around, glaring at him.
Elliot held up his hands and took a couple of steps back. "Ever since you found the baby during that case, you've thrown yourself harder into your work, and I'm just worried about you. You're working so hard, but you're exhausted."
Olivia sighed. "I'm fine, Elliot. We've just had some really difficult cases lately. It'll get better."
Cautiously, Elliot took a few steps toward her. "Why don't you take the weekend off? We can pick Eli up from school and go to the Jersey house until Sunday and just relax for a few days. It's been awhile since we've been out there."
Olivia couldn't deny how good it sounded to get out of the city and spend a few days away with her boys. It had been too long since they'd been to the beach house, and she missed their little sanctuary away from the noise and crowds and busyness of their day-to-day lives.
But she was a sergeant now, one in charge of a unit, a commanding officer until the higher-ups determined who should fill her captain's shoes. Could she really justify taking time away, leaving her detectives unsupervised for a weekend?
Olivia knew Fin would support her decision to get away, and if Nick knew she was considering it, he'd insist she go. Both men were so protective of her, and she knew they'd been privately discussing her for the last couple of weeks, quiet in their concern for her.
Maybe Elliot was right. Maybe some time away was what she needed. She was running herself into the ground, the exhaustion so bad that getting up in the mornings made her nauseous, her body begging her to slow down.
"Ok," she finally answered Elliot. "I'll talk to Fin and Nick tomorrow and make sure they can hold things down while I'm out. If they can, we can go away for the weekend."
Elliot slipped his arms around her waist, pulling her close until their lips met in a brief kiss. "Thank you. I just want to spend time with you, and I want to keep you healthy. We missed out on so much time together, and now that we're finally building the life we wanted, I want to keep you here with me as long as possible."
Olivia kissed him again. "I know, and I love you for it, El. So much."
"I love you, Liv." Elliot scooped her up in his arms, and Olivia shrieked as he carried her to their bed, playfully tossing her onto it before gathering pajamas for her. When Elliot handed them to her, Olivia tossed them over her shoulder and reached for him, pulling him onto the bed with her.
"I thought you were exhausted," Elliot said as Olivia threw her leg over his, settling herself in his lap.
Olivia smirked at him as she tugged his shirt over his head. "Not too exhausted just yet," she said, leaning down until their lips met. When the kiss broke, Elliot slipped her shirt off and surprised her by flipping them over. As Elliot's lips began their journey down her neck, Olivia closed her eyes, surrendering herself to this man who loved her so well, who she loved with everything she had.
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When Friday evening arrived, Olivia left Fin in charge of her squad room for the weekend, and she took the elevator down to where Elliot and Eli were waiting for her. It was later than Olivia wanted, but she'd finally accomplished enough where she felt comfortable leaving, and after assurances from both Fin and Nick that they'd call if they needed her, she was ready to see her boys.
Before she reached the car, she could hear Eli excitedly screaming her name. As Elliot stepped out of the car to help with her bags, Olivia opened Eli's car door and hugged the little boy.
"Hi Eli," Olivia said as he squeezed her tight.
"LIVIA, I'm so excited for the beach!" Eli said.
Olivia smiled, kissing him on top of his blonde curls. "Me too, buddy."
When she was seated beside Elliot, he pulled her in for a quick kiss. "I'm glad we're doing this," he said with a huge smile on his face.
"I am too, El." Olivia reached for his hand and pulled it into her lap, cradling it between her hands.
Before they were out of the city, Olivia was asleep, her head leaning against the window. Eli had been talking non-stop, so Elliot knew she had to be completely worn out. He was worried, more worried than he'd been before, and he hoped she'd get some much-needed rest this weekend.
"Eli, buddy, Liv is asleep, so we need to be quiet and let her sleep, ok?" Elliot said.
"Ok Daddy," Eli whispered loudly.
Elliot chuckled. "We've got to work on your whispers, Eli."
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Olivia woke up shortly before they arrived at the beach house. After a quick dinner out, the trio settled in for the evening, opting for a movie on the couch before Eli's bedtime. To no one's surprise, Olivia was the first to fall asleep, and Elliot maneuvered her head into his lap, letting her sleep until the movie ended. He carried her to bed, Eli sleepily walking behind them. She roused when Elliot settled her into bed, and as her eyes opened, Eli sweetly kissed her cheek.
"Goodnight Livia. I love you," he said quietly.
"Goodnight, sweet boy," Olivia whispered. "I love you, and I'll see you in the morning."
She watched as Eli followed his father out of the room, the sight of her two boys together the last thing she saw before falling into a deep slumber.
Elliot smiled when he returned to their bedroom and found Olivia already sound asleep. Even though they'd only been at the beach house for a few hours, he already sensed a weight lifting from her shoulders. As he climbed into bed next to her, Olivia rolled over, tucking herself against his side. Elliot vowed to himself right then that he'd insist on much more frequent visits to their second home, recognizing once again the peace it provided to his love.
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It was hard returning to normal life when Monday morning rolled around. While she'd been able to get some good rest while they were gone, Olivia was still not feeling like herself. As she scrolled through the email inbox, full of messages waiting for her, she sent quick replies where she could and updated her calendar with appointments and meetings. While adding an appointment, the date stuck in Olivia's mind, and all of a sudden, after a quick calculation, she realized that her period was late. Because she'd always been regular, since her abduction, she hadn't paid very close attention to the timing of it.
Olivia froze, gripping her desk as a wave of lightheadedness came over her. Thinking back over the last couple of weeks, the exhaustion and the nausea could be explained by the stress she was under, but combined with a late period, they could also indicate pregnancy.
Was this really happening?
There was only one other time, in college, that she'd been late. Back then, she hadn't been ready to be a mother, and she was relieved when she found out she wasn't, but this time, her life situation was drastically different. Now, she was in a committed relationship with a man she deeply loved, and although she still dreamt of having a family, with him or alone, after five children, she wasn't sure that Elliot was interested in having another.
Olivia had trouble concentrating on work for the rest of the day, and after a sleepless night, a thousand different scenarios running through her head, the next day, on her way into work, Olivia stopped by the drugstore and picked up several pregnancy tests. Initially she thought she'd wait until getting home to take the tests, a part of her desiring Elliot's presence next to her as she waited for the results. Ultimately, she made the decision to take the tests at the precinct, unable to focus on work with the uncertainty looming over her head and feeling as though she'd need time to process the results before involving Elliot.
After slipping away unnoticed to the restroom, Olivia leaned against the counter as she waited for her alarm to go off. She held her breath, her mind racing with thoughts about possibilities for the future if the tests came back positive. Even though she might lose Elliot over it, she'd finally get to be a mother, like she'd always wanted. If Elliot wanted out, she wouldn't force him or guilt him into staying with her. The last thing she wanted was for him to feel as though he had to stay, repeating his past with his ex. She'd be fine raising her child by herself.
But if Elliot wanted this, to have a child with her, Olivia might finally get the life she wanted. Already, she was picturing their future. She imagined Elliot would be extremely overbearing and protective, refusing to let her lift a finger for the duration of her pregnancy. As a new mother, she'd benefit from his parental experience, and she already knew he was an incredibly loving father. It would take some time to figure out how to make things work, and they might need to find a bigger place, but they had time to decide all of those things.
When Olivia pictured a family, she'd always imagined a brunette little girl like herself, with a bouncing ponytail and a big bow. The other image burned into her mind was a little boy, with brown curls similar to Eli's blonde ones. She'd always assumed she'd have a son first, a big brother to look after his little sister. But over the last fifteen years, in Olivia's dreams, every time her children looked up at her, she would see Elliot's beautiful blue eyes looking back at her.
But Olivia was older now. A few years shy of fifty was not the age she imagined when she pictured starting her family. In a previous conversation with her doctor, she'd been told that at her age, it would most likely be difficult for her to conceive, and it would only get harder as she got older.
Was her doctor wrong? Could she actually be pregnant now?
Everyone had always teased Elliot about his ease of conceiving children. It had only been a few weeks since they made love for the first time, and while she was on birth control, they hadn't been using any other contraceptive methods. Maybe it really was possible.
Olivia's daydreams were interrupted when her alarm sounded. She closed her eyes for a moment before reaching for one of the tests. One by one, she looked at all three of them, seeing the same answer on each of the tests. She allowed a couple of tears to fall as she processed the results.
Not pregnant.
A part of Olivia was a little bit relieved. The timing might not have been the best, with her relationship still in its infancy, and she wasn't sure this was what Elliot wanted.
Eli, his last surprise baby, was six. He and Kathy had struggled starting over six years ago, so now to do it again? No, there was definitely no way Elliot would want to start over. The negative tests were for the best. They had Eli, and although she'd missed two years of his life, if everything worked out between her and Elliot, she'd be a part of Eli's world for the rest of her life.
This was enough.
So why couldn't she hold back the tears?
She tossed the tests into the trashcan, and when she had composed herself and touched up her makeup, she headed back into the squad room.
Olivia remained distracted the rest of the day. Fortunately it was a rare slow day at SVU, so the ability to keep her head down in paperwork prevented the rest of the squad from picking up on her lack of concentration.
At the end of the day, as she headed home, she had a decision to make. Should she tell Elliot about the tests, triggering a discussion about their future she might not be ready for? Or should she just keep her mouth shut and allow their lives to keep moving forward the way things were?
When Olivia entered the apartment, she saw Elliot walking out of the bedroom. She couldn't stop herself from rushing over to him, needing to be in his arms, unable to wait even another moment.
"Hey," Elliot said quietly, wrapping his arms around Olivia, surprised by her urgent embrace. He could tell that something had happened and she needed him, so he held her tight, content to stay right there as long as she needed to be in his arms.
After a few minutes, when she hadn't loosened her grasp at all, Elliot softly said, "Are you ok?"
Olivia nodded, still holding onto him.
"Wanna talk about it?" he pressed, beginning to get a little concerned about her.
She finally pulled back to look at him, nodding. "Yeah," she whispered. "We need to talk."
Elliot turned her around in his arms, ushering her to the couch. When they were seated, Olivia reached for his hand.
"Elliot, I need to tell you something. I wasn't sure I was even going to, but it doesn't feel right to keep this from you."
He brushed a lock of hair away from her face and behind her ear. "You can tell me anything, Liv."
She took a deep breath. "I took a pregnancy test at the precinct today. Three of them, actually."
Elliot's face lit up, and his reaction completely took Olivia by surprise.
"Seriously? A baby?" Elliot asked.
Olivia's heart broke, knowing she was going to break his. Although he'd told her that he wanted to help her become a mother, she didn't really think he meant having a biological child together.
"I'm not pregnant, El."
Elliot's face fell, and it brought tears to her eyes. "Oh. Ok." He turned away from her, putting his head in his hands for a few moments as he tried to accept her news, tried to steady himself.
Olivia wiped her eyes as she put her hand on Elliot's back. "I'm so sorry. I didn't think this would be your reaction at all."
Elliot turned back to her. "We've talked about this."
Olivia stared at him for a moment, still deeply confused by Elliot's response. "Yeah, we've talked about me having a child someday, but not us having a baby together. I didn't...know that you'd want this."
"Liv, I'm sorry. I thought you knew. I-I'm in this with you." He reached for her hand, intertwining their fingers and pulling her hand into his lap. "If you have a baby, then we have a baby, if you still want me involved."
"Of course I want you involved. But really, Elliot. How would you have felt if it had been positive?"
Tears pooled in his eyes, and it broke her heart all over again. "I would've been thrilled."
Elliot brushed his hand over his face as he tried to find the right words to reassure her of how deeply he felt for her.
"Liv, I love you so much. I don't know what to do or say to get you to understand that. I want a life, a family…everything with you. Like I told you years ago, whatever way you want to try to have a child, I'll support you."
Elliot reached out to cradle her face with his hand. "I'm sorry it didn't happen this time, but if you want, we can start actively trying and figuring out how to make this happen sooner rather than later. I want a family with you, however that happens."
Olivia could see the sincerity in his eyes, and it made her love him even more. But she still struggled to reconcile his words, his insistence that he wanted this with her. After a few moments, she quietly said, "But you already have five kids, El. Can you honestly say you want more?"
Elliot nodded. "Yeah, I have five kids with Kathy, but I don't have any with you." His thumb stroked her cheek.
"I know you love my kids, but I know you want babies, and I want you to have them. I'll give you as many as you want. So when you're ready, let's figure out what our options are. We'll talk to your doctor, and if she says it's not possible, if you want to adopt, we'll look into that too. I know the adoption agency turned you down before, but with the two of us together, I can't see them saying no. I just…I want kids with you, or I at least want to try."
Olivia reached up to wrap her hand around his wrist as her tears fell even harder. Her head slowly nodded as she tearfully whispered, "I want kids with you too."
"I'm not going anywhere, ok?" Elliot insisted.
She nodded. "Ok."
Elliot pulled her close, his lips pressing against her forehead. Now that the shock was over and the news had settled with him, he was worried about how the news was affecting her. "Are you ok?"
Olivia shrugged. "I don't know. I hadn't thought about us having a baby, so I was shocked when I realized I was late. But honestly, the negative test was disappointing. I thought that door was probably closed, but I knowing maybe it wasn't...I knew I might lose you over it, but I think I would've been ok if it had been positive."
"Let's get one thing straight. I'm in this forever, Liv." Elliot rested his forehead against hers. "I want to give you everything you've ever wanted."
"I love you," she whispered as she kissed him. She tucked herself against his side and allowed herself to be held for awhile.
A baby.
What a beautiful blessing it could've been, after everything she and Elliot had been through. After her conversation with him, seeing his excitement and heartbreak, she wanted it even more than she had before. While she didn't really know how to be a mother, she'd do everything humanly possible to be a good one, better than the one she had. She'd never let her child go a moment without knowing how deeply he or she was loved, and she knew Elliot would do the same.
But was the timing right? Were they ready for a baby now? She'd take a couple of days to think, and then she and Elliot would revisit this conversation and decide how to move forward.
What she was sure of was that no matter the outcome of their conversation, they'd be moving forward together.
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'Something's wrong,' Nick thought to himself as he looked over at Olivia in the car seat next to him. For the last couple of days, she hadn't been herself, a new sadness surrounding her. His immediate initial thought had been to assume he'd done or said something to upset her, but the longer he observed her, the more he noticed the sadness ran deeper than that. Of course he wanted to know what was wrong and what he could do to alleviate the dark cloud overhead, but he also didn't want to overstep into something that was not his business.
"Stop thinking so loud," Olivia said, interrupting his thoughts. There was a small smile on her face when he looked at her, and he laughed when she said, "It's so loud, it's distracting me."
"I'm sorry, Olivia," he said. "I just…I'm going to ask something, and if I need to just mind my own business, tell me. Is everything ok?"
Olivia sighed, knowing exactly what her partner was picking up on. The sadness about the negative pregnancy test hadn't moved on yet, and her mind was still on what could have been and trying to make decisions about the future.
"I'm fine, Nick."
Unconvinced, Nick pushed a little harder. "You don't seem fine. Did something happen? With Stabler?"
"Nick," Olivia started, but she was cut off before she could finish.
"Did he do something?" Nick asked, his anger growing by the second. "Did he say something to hurt you? I warned him!"
Olivia put her hand on Nick's shoulder. "Stop! No, Elliot didn't do anything! He's been amazing, especially the last few days."
Nick felt relieved to know that her relationship wasn't in jeopardy, but he still wanted to know what was causing her such pain. "Ok, ok, I'm glad nothing's wrong between the two of you. But I can tell something is wrong, Liv. What's going on with you?"
Olivia sighed, closing her eyes as she leaned back against the headrest. "Since you won't leave this alone, Elliot and I…a few days ago, I thought I might be pregnant."
Nick couldn't help the shock that came over him, his mouth dropping open as his mind tried desperately to process Olivia's words.
Pregnant.
It was far from what he expected to hear from her. After what she'd experienced, he wasn't sure when she'd be able to have any kind of intimate relationship, and although he was glad that she seemed to have pushed some of her demons away, as he saw the tears welling up in her eyes, he knew something terrible must have happened.
"Pregnant?" he asked. "Wow, Liv, I…I don't know what to say."
"I'm not," Olivia said quickly. "I'm not, I…I took several tests, and I'm not." She looked away from him, down at her hands in her lap, fighting back the tears that were threatening to fall. "For a moment, it got my hopes up that maybe…maybe there was still something to look forward to."
Nick reached over, putting his hand on top of hers. "It's not too late, Liv. Just because you aren't pregnant yet doesn't meant that you can't keep trying."
"We weren't trying. I just…thought I might be, so I took some tests, and I'm not. I really hadn't thought about having a baby with him, and the timing is terrible, but since I found out I wasn't…" She stopped, knowing if she said another word, the tears would fall. Nick had already seen her cry enough over the last few months, and she felt silly tearing up in front of him right then.
"Now it's all you're thinking about," Nick finished for her.
Olivia nodded as she whispered, "Yeah."
"How did Stabler take the news?"
Olivia flashed back to the heartbroken look on Elliot's face, and she could no longer hold in her own tears.
"He was devastated, he…he cried, Nick."
"Liv," Nick said, his heart shattering for both of them.
Olivia tearfully took a shaky breath as she continued. "He said he would've been thrilled if I was pregnant, and that whenever I'm ready, he wants to give me as many babies as I want."
Nick reached across the seat to slip his arm around her shoulders. He pulled her as close as he could, pressing his lips to the top of her head as she leaned against his shoulder.
"He's a good man, Liv. He really loves you."
"Yeah," she whispered in agreement. "I'm so lucky to have him."
"He's pretty lucky here too," Nick said, kissing her head again as she pulled away.
Olivia wiped at her tears. "As much as I want kids, and I really do, like I said, the timing really isn't good. I think I still have a lot of healing that I need to do, and I'm just not sure I'm ready yet."
"What does Stabler think about that?" Nick asked.
"I haven't told him yet," Olivia said. "We talked for awhile about options, and he told me to take a few days to think, so that's what I've been doing."
"But you know you're not ready yet."
Olivia nodded. "Yeah. I'm not ready yet."
"So talk to him," Nick said. "He'll understand, Liv."
She sighed. "I sure hope so."
Nick reached for Olivia's hand, squeezing it gently. "Someday, whenever you're ready, you're going to be an incredible mother."
Olivia squeezed his hand back. "Thanks Nick."
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That evening, while curled up on the couch with Elliot, Olivia knew she needed to let Elliot know what she was thinking and where she stood on the decision to pursue having a baby.
Elliot threaded his fingers through her hair as her head rested on his chest. "Talk to me," he said quietly.
"What?" Olivia asked.
He smiled as he said, "I can tell there's something on your mind. Whatever it is, just tell me."
"I'm not ready for a baby yet."
Olivia's words stole Elliot's breath for a moment. He wasn't surprised by her decision, but it caught him off guard the way she dropped it on him like a bomb.
"I'm sorry," Olivia said. "I didn't mean to blurt it out."
"It's ok," Elliot mumbled, his lips pressed against her head.
"I'm not saying never. I'm just saying not yet. I just feel like I still have more work to do. But can we revisit this in a few months maybe?"
Elliot held her a little tighter. "Whenever you're ready, Liv. I'm ready whenever you are."
"Thanks, El." She raised her head to look at his face. "I love you."
Elliot smiled at her, still amazed every time he heard the words fall from her lips. "I love you too."
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Author's Note: Up next, the return of William Lewis.