A/N: Hey there! If some of you are wondering why I released this chapter standalone from the rest of Fleeting Little Nothings, I'll explain that in the notes at the end. In any case, I hope you enjoy this!
Enterprise was an interesting character. She was, undoubtedly, one of if not the most capable aircraft carriers at the task force's disposal. Every fighter off her flight deck was another essential contribution to their odds of winning the confrontation. That wasn't to say she couldn't hold her own defensively, either. Anti-air was something she was well versed in, and it showed. She wasn't afraid to upsell her skills to whoever may need them, and remarkably, she never overpromised. Her numbers backed it up too, the DEMOS giving her an average of 1.87 out of 2.00, overall rating. Therefore, with such a pedigree, everyone was confused, some worried at her habits off the battlefield.
The Royals' head maid Belfast had made her own efforts to get Enterprise to start behaving like, well, a human. The progress was at least visible. She started showing up to mess hall and actually eating what was on the menu, socializing with her other comrades, etcetera. The maid had done remarkably with the carrier's physical upkeep. But another little hole in the netting that needed to be plugged in was something that went beyond anything one could simply touch or mend. Though her heart was in the right place, some people, the commander included, began to think her mind maybe somewhere else.
Without fear or even a hint of reservation, she had a habit of…for lack of a better word…throwing herself into the fray. Before they'd been able to reconstruct Enterprise, the commander had only heard stories of how she liked to fight her battles. Carriers generally tended to stay on their vessels or, rather, on the ground when deploying fighters. Not Big E. No, she had the innovative idea of riding her craft. He couldn't believe his ears when he heard it, the image of a carrier riding a plane too comical to possibly be serious. And yet, when they first had her go through trial exercises, she did just that. It was at that point, coincidentally enough, that the commander foolishly declared to himself that he had officially seen everything this war had to offer.
While confidence is unequivocally important in the face of your opponents, there was a difference between operating confidently and recklessly. Unfortunately, though Enterprise would always be able to make it out of incredibly tight spots, the commander privately had sneaking suspicions that they were more marvels of luck than feats of skill, though there was definitely plenty of the latter involved. Time and again, at the end of a sortie, he'd have to reprimand the carrier for her bombastic heroics.
On a brief stint in the northern Pacific, she got dinged up pretty bad. When they returned to the base, the commander decided to personally have one-on-one review sessions on naval tactics and strategy, so she might appreciate even just a little more why playing it safe was important. She agreed, promised him improvements, and while they did see results, there was still something that would occasionally nudge her towards old tendencies. At this point, he moved to collaborate with other Union girls that he knew Enterprise was close with to figure what exactly was driving her seemingly limitless drive, fury, and bravado in a scrim.
Slowly, they began to see peeks in the dense coverings of her mentality and personality. He supposed it was only inevitable that rumors, theories, and rampant speculation would come next as more and more was learned about her inner motivation. Some said it was spite for the Siren. Others suggested that she might be trying to prove something. Others still somehow came to the positively ludicrous conclusion that she was trying to impress the commander out of…you know. The commander would always gloss over the third with thinly veiled embarrassment. Meanwhile, the second sounded far more plausible to him than the other myriad thoughts of his fleet. She might be trying to prove something.
But what?
…
It couldn't possibly be prowess. At this point, there was no one on the installation that questioned her abilities. They were very much proven. Technical aptitude? She'd studied her planes inside and out, learned their workings and how they flew. It was frequent that when she needed repairs or even simple routine maintenance, she would work with the techs to ensure the quality of the repair was sustained.
Hm.
The commander found himself getting closer to her the next handful of months, as did the other people she befriended. They'd hang out during lunch break, make idle chatter when she was on for secretary, even went out in the town a couple of times. As their relationship grew, so did the commander's understanding of her character. He found that Enterprise was a remarkable woman. When the chips were stacked against her, she could take it all in on her stride, and pull through with rock-hard resolve. Still, beyond and beneath the battle-hardened warrior was an admittedly adorable girl who still struggled with some of life's other finer minutiae.
Yet even with these developments, to the point where she'd pop into his office at 2300 hours just to lounge on the couch with a bag of chips and chat with him while he worked, the answer to the question of her motivations on the battlefield eluded him.
That is, until one curious night.
Enterprise yelped and shot straight up in her bed, borderline hyperventilating and in a puddle of cold sweat. Her purple eyes were wide, filled with horror and despair as she sat there, collecting herself as tears spilled out on her face and ran down her cheeks. Panting, she looked around worriedly as if an unseen abomination concealed in the shadows of her dim moonlit room might jump out at her and dispatch her right then and there. "Fuck", she gasped to herself.
"Fuck." Curling her legs up so she could bury her face in her knees, she sat there and let the tears roll, hoping that no one else in the dorms would hear her. Cool it, Enterprise! Cool it, she thought to herself. Please for the love of all that's good and holy, no one walk through that door. When Belfast didn't swing the hardwood planks wide open, she breathed a shaky sigh of relief at her continued solitude.
That is until she gave it a long, hard think. Shit. I don't wanna sleep after that. Flashes of the hellish scene of burning wrecks, the cries of her sisters and her comrades, and worst of all, her at the epicenter of it, the cause of the doom, flooded her mind. Desperately, she shook her head as if to rid her mind of the thoughts.
When she'd finally collected herself and washed her face in the sink, Enterprise took a glance at her bedside clock. 0042 hours. Shit, what the hell should I do? The only people she'd ever told about her nightmares were Yorktown, Hornet, and surprisingly enough a part of the circle, the commander. At the thought of the last candidate, she felt her cheeks warm up. Well…maybe…if I try my luck… Her eyes went wide a little and her heart skipped a beat.
Oh, stop it! C'mon, Enterprise. You're a grown woman! The Big E! Just tuck in and get back to sleep.
…
She shivered, contemplating the odds of having that nightmare again. No. Not by myself. That was…that was something else. At a loss, the Union's most capable carrier could only sit and stew her grievances. What are the chances the commander's still up working? Maybe…
Nah, his secretary would have his ass. What was her name again? Dunkerque? Ugh. What the hell am I gonna do? In the dead silence of the room, Enterprise chuckled incredulously at herself and her self-imposed predicament. The Grey Ghost, the Lucky E, the one who tangled with one million, was too afraid to sleep by herself. Fucking fantastic.
Whatever mental gymnastics Enterprise's brain had to do to get her shifting out of her bed and in the hallway of the dorm complex, she had no clue. All she knew was, she was sneaking out beyond curfew hours and heading towards someone who would probably be just as confused as she with whatever the hell she was getting up to. He mentioned the workload today was pretty intense, right? Maybe he is still up. The guy's a workaholic, right?
…
Dammit, Enterprise, stop kidding yourself. Even if he was awake, what would you do, bunk on one of the couches?
At last, shutting the complex's doors behind her with much trepidation, Enterprise found herself out in the courtyard of the dorms. A dilemma instantly rushed into her mind as she briefly considered that maybe, just maybe she was doing something really stupid. Contemplations of turning back and just toughing out the night clawed at her consciousness. These were quickly silenced with one look at the doorway. The main doors at the entrance of the Union building were loud and creaky. Her butt cheeks were already clenched just getting out. She'd just risk getting caught.
A counter was immediately volleyed from the back of her mind. Or is it? You're just telling yourself that as an excuse!
An excuse? An excuse for what?
An excuse to…
?
…to be with him.
For crying out loud…
…literally.
Oh, good one!
The carrier snorted at her own internal bickering and turned her eyes up to the night sky above. It was cloudy, but there were little hints of stars peeking through them. The soft white-blue light of the moon added to the pleasant ambiance, and curiously enough, Enterprise found that she was spurred on by the atmosphere. Before she knew it, she found herself in front of the wooden double doors that served the entrance to the commander's office. Hopeful, she looked at the gap between the door and the floor, looking for even the faintest sliver of light. Nada. He's asleep, I told you. Now just head back while we still can, and-
Enterprise laid her hand on the knob and began to turn it, slowly, delicately, but deliberately.
…hey! Hey! What the hell are you-
The door released and she was let inside the room, which was lit only by a red nightlight and the moon's soft glow washing in through the large windows behind the commander's desk, whose chair was most notably empty. Enterprise gulped and stepped over the threshold before closing the door behind her apprehensively, looking around the room with more than a little reservation. Her steps slow and quiet thanks to her fluffy bedroom slippers, she walked towards the door on her right. The one that just so happened to lead into the commander's quarters.
What the hell am I doing? What the hell am I doing? What the hell am I doing?
Her brain churned out wave after wave of doubts and desperate warnings, trying to make her hands heed and for her legs to take her back to the quarters. When push came to shove, though, she knew she was far too late for that. Her heart pumping against her rib cage, she folded her fingers around the door handle and pushed, releasing the mechanism and allowing her inside the air-conditioned room. The cool air rushed out and she stepped in, shutting the door and taking a deep breath as she took in her unfamiliar surroundings. For obvious and very good reason, she'd never been in the commander's quarters. Being in here, late at night, in fact not even night, and more early morning only added to the room's luster.
Enterprise's ears picked up on the sound of soft breathing, and her gaze fell and focused back on the man slumbering peacefully on the bed right in front of her. She couldn't help her eyes as they ran over his...appealing...physique. His face looked so peaceful, far away in the blissful realm of unconsciousness, completely unaware of the woman staring at him from the foot of his bed. Shaking herself out of her brief stupor, Enterprise made her way nervously to the vacant side of his bed. Luckily, it was large enough to accommodate two people, and the commander had opted to fall asleep on one of the halves as opposed to plopping himself dead in the center. Slowly, she lifted the blanket up.
Am I actually doing this? Are we actually doing this? Why am I doing this? How am I doing this? What the fuck is going on?!
The Union girl's subconscious screamed in her head and her cheeks burned as she slipped underneath the covers of the commander's bed. Shifting around, she positioned herself on her side, his face in front of hers. Enterprise allowed herself a quick sigh of relief, knowing she'd made it to her "objective." What would she do if he woke up before she did? What if she woke up before he did and everyone else on the base was already milling about? What if Belfast found the two of them like this? Those, and a thousand other possibilities filled her mind, and internally, she almost panicked and blew the whole operation. At last, they settled down and, though the questions lingered, one more stood tall above the rest.
Did any of them matter?
Defiantly, Enterprise decided that they didn't. Her mission success and operation nearing completion, her final step was to simply drift off once again. Hence, she closed her eyes and began powering back down. At least, until a voice rang out that made her eyelids open back up as she froze solid and her jaw hung wide.
"Enty?"
Shit!
Time froze. The world stood still. Any other expression that could describe the complete and total stoppage of everything else outside both Enterprise's and the commander's minds. The only thing the two could think about was the person beside them.
Her mouth closed and opened rapidly, wanting to say something and nothing coming out. The commander, to his credit, didn't immediately explode in a fit of questions and chuckled as he waited patiently for Enterprise to find her voice. At the end of all of it, all the carrier could do was stutter, "U-uhh…"
The commander once again chortled lightly and sat up, reaching over to the side table, and flicking a lampshade on. "You alright?" Enterprise, now beet-red in the face and heart racing like a piston engine, sat up too and stammered nervously.
"I-I-I was j-just…y-you know…I didn't m-mean to-" She muttered, before resorting instead to burying her face in her hands and praying that the commander wasn't completely creeped out at her literally sneaking into his bedroom in the dead of night.
With a playful tone to make sure she wouldn't feel downed, the commander chided, "Do you know what time it is?"
"1 AM?" She replied meekly.
He let a little giggle slip out of him. "Yeah. What're you doing up? Or rather, what are you doing here?"
"Ughmm…"
The room's air conditioner hummed quietly in the background as Enterprise sat twiddling her fingers and trying not to expire right then and there. The commander took the respite to study her face, running his eyes on the contours of her cheeks, the slight motions of her mouth, and most notably, her glistening purple eyes. Anything that might help him get a feel for what was cranking in her mind. When he drew all he could and connected the dots, he didn't quite like what he ended up with. With concern writ all over his face, the commander put an arm around the carrier and gave her a warm smile. "The nightmares?"
Enterprise looked up at him, eyes glinting subtly. "Y-yeah…" To that, he pulled her closer and let her nuzzle his neck. She found that it helped calm her greatly. With a soft voice, he decided to prod for further information.
"Wanna talk about it?"
"I-", she began. "I saw…t-them. Yorktown, a-and Hornet, and Essex, and Helena, and…" The commander remained silent, not wanting to interrupt.
"And I-", Enterprise continued. "I k-killed them. Or something. I don't know what I did!" Little teardrops beginning to form in her eyes, she finished despairingly as he took her in his hold. The commander only nodded with utmost sympathy. Put simply, he did not know what to say. Not wanting to blurt out the wrong thing, he decided the best course of action would be to simply rock her back and forth slowly if anything to soothe her however much he could. He was affirmed when she stopped shaking profusely and stilled herself in his arms. They stayed there, unmoving, not saying a word to each other. Enterprise's cheeks burned, but at the same time, the rapids of thought in her mind slowed and waned as she was able to compose herself again. Acting almost out of instinct, the commander hummed out a little verse from a song he knew.
"When you try your best, but you don't succeed", the commander sang softly.
Enterprise looked up at him, confused and curious.
"When you get what you want, but not what you need"
It took her a few moments, but she picked up on it soon enough. "Is that…?" She asked incredulously, chuckling a bit.
Paused, the commander snickered. "Yeah, it is. I'm sure you've heard that before, haven't you?"
She nodded, smiling through her worries. "I have, but…isn't that like one of those joke songs?" The commander shook his head.
"No, no, that's just because it was used for a lot of memes and such", he explained patiently. "If you listen to the whole thing though, it's a really, really, nice piece."
"Oh yeah?" Enterprise fixed him with a curious expression, a hint of playful challenge in her voice.
He shrugged. "Yeah."
She thought for a moment as the commander peered into her eyes, wondering what the gears were cooking up inside her head. At last, she sighed softly. "Eh, why not? Maybe I could use some music."
He cocked his brow in subtle surprise and ill-concealed enthusiasm. "Oh, you wanna hear it?"
"Mhm."
"Alright, then", he replied. The commander was excited. A lot of the people, largely support staff, that he had asked about the song seemed to only know it for its widespread meme culture reputation, however, a surprising number of them hadn't actually bothered to try and understand its lyrics and its message. Not that he was against using it for jokes and such, of course, he wasn't, but beyond the little gags about it, the track itself was something of a gem. He released Enterprise and let her sit on the bed patiently as he reached for his player. Keying the display on, he shuffled over to his target and was about to plug the earbuds in before he reconsidered and paused, cogs turning in his 1 AM brain. Enterprise tilted her head curiously, wondering what her commander was thinking of before he got up and walked out the room. "Commander?" Enterprise called.
"Yep! Gimme a sec!" He replied from outside. The girl shrugged and waited for him until he finally got back and shut the door, holding a pair of black headphones and a curious matching black box in his hand.
"Whoa. Haven't seen headphones like that before", she remarked. The commander chuckled, unsurprised at the reaction.
"Yeah, these things can make an impression. U-101 loves them! They're planar magnetic drivers", he replied as he proceeded to gush over them while plugging them into the box, which was then connected to the player. Enterprise largely tuned it out, his words only being processed as a mush of techno-babble that she didn't understand. All she picked up were open-back, planar this and that, over-ear design, real leather pads, super-fast bass, oh and this DAC too, whatever a 'DAC' is…
She found it surprisingly cute when he would go on about his hobbies, and even though she couldn't understand the least of what he was talking about, she did her best to engage him and keep herself interested. At last, his little setup was ready to get the show on the road.
"Alright, here you go", he said, offering the headphones to her. Enterprise took them and placed them on her head, the pads going fully around her ear instead of crushing them as some other pairs do. So that's what over-ear means, she thought to herself. The commander put in some earbuds, connected those into a smaller jack on the side, and asked, "Are you good?"
"Yeah", Enterprise confirmed. He nodded and started the playback.
A collection of electronic instruments set the mood of the track and filled her ears before soft, pleasant vocals took center stage.
When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
Enterprise couldn't stifle the titter in time as the two lines came in. She quickly sobered up for the rest of the song though, her curiosity at why the commander was so enthused by it outweighing any thoughts of jokes or sarcasm for the time being.
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
The song's words sunk into Enterprise's mind, all her other worries and doubts somehow being drowned out by the meaning and the sentiment behind the lyrics, behind the verse. She couldn't help a small smile as the first chorus played out.
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
An acoustic piano playing a sweet melody accompanied the continuing ambient sound of what Enterprise made out to be organs, allowing the first verse and the chorus to sink into her mind and process. The vocals picked up again, now with a strumming guitar to go with them.
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try, you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Now, the music itself kicked up a notch, an electric guitar followed by a ride cymbal added into the mix. The melody, the riff was very simple yet effective, the buildup to a payoff that was so profound in ways that only music could ever truly achieve. Much to Enterprise's surprise, she found herself nodding gently to its rhythm as teardrops welled up in her eyes, a quivering smile on her lips.
Its beat dropped in earnest, a proud snare struck in tandem with the cymbals, the kick measuring the rhythm and the piano from earlier coming back to punctuate its feel. With no words, emotions of melancholy, sadness, joy, jubilance, understanding, confusion, despair, and hope rushed through Enterprise's head, overwhelming her.
Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face, and I
Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face, and I
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
The song drew closed with a final soft pluck of the piano's keys, leaving the room now silent.
Its gentle melody still echoed in her head as Enterprise found herself with absolutely nothing to say. She didn't understand what just happened or why the music struck her as hard as it did. She then realized that she didn't care. In front of her, the man who had allowed her this comfort, this reverie of emotion, gave her a warm smile that made her heart flutter. Her cheeks heated up further when he pulled her in for a hug, one that she graciously accepted and treated as an opportunity to finally let the dam of emotion rush wildly.
He held her in her arms as she cried, the feelings of losing her comrades, regaining them and protecting them at the risk of her own life, the sudden pang of understanding hitting her amidst all of the pent-up frustrations at the same time. The commander reached up with his hand and ran it through Enterprise's flowing silver hair.
Softly, he said, "I get it now."
Enterprise snuffled before she looked at him with shining eyes. "W-what?"
"Why you're so damn reckless." He chuckled.
She couldn't say anything to that. With a new perspective, her feelings not getting in the way, but providing a launchpad, she found herself ashamed with how she carried herself in battle.
He stroked her long, flowing silver hair as he finally supplied, "You feel it's your responsibility, don't you?" Wordlessly, she nodded into his chest. He could feel his shirt getting a bit moistened up from her tears, but he didn't pay it any mind. Gently, the commander continued. "I hope you understand now that no one thinks it is? And that you shouldn't?"
She nodded slowly. "Y-yeah…"
He hummed approvingly. "Alright." He allowed her to continue her self-reflection, not wanting to, so to speak, ruin the moment. For what seemed an eternity in a peaceful sanctuary, she laid it out on him, and he accepted gently, willingly.
When they broke the hug, Enterprise graced him with a smile of her own, a warm, genuine, and contented one. He returned the gesture, packed the setup away, and with all being said and done, they finally turned in for the night.
It was Enterprise's first peaceful sleep for as long as she could recall.
A/N: I'd like to dedicate this short story to my grandpa who I never got to meet.
Tracklist
Coldplay - "Fix You"