Twelve
"Damnit!" Olivia exclaimed when she accidentally knocked over her purse from her desk. It was open so most of the contents spilled out. She crouched down, willing her hands to stop shaking and slow her movements down as she picked everything up.
"Liv, you ok?" asked Fin, standing in the doorway of her office.
"Yeah, just clumsy today," said Olivia, not looking up at him. He knew what day this was and she was too on edge to be teased about it. She'd managed to do her job without a hitch today because this line of work required full concentration. But now, as she was preparing to leave, the nerves that had seemingly been dying down during the past week were hitting her with full force.
She was seeing Elliot Stabler again for the first time in over four years tonight…and it was completely up to her what happened after that.
Thankfully, Fin knew her very well, and he didn't try to tease her. When she stood up and put her purse back on her desk, he walked over to her and put a hand on her shoulder. "Liv, just breathe, ok?"
Olivia listened to him and took a few deep breaths.
"If you're not ready to see him tonight, I'm sure he'd understand."
She shook her head. "No, I know…I do want to see him again tonight. So much so that it's putting me on edge."
"I get it," said Fin. "This is a big moment for you. If it makes you feel any better, he's probably just as on edge as you are right now. Probably more than you, considering the circumstances. Just…let whatever happens tonight happen, Liv. Whatever happens, it was always meant to be. And don't worry about anything here. We'll hold the fort for you."
Olivia nodded and smiled at him. "Thanks, Fin. For always watching my back."
"Always, Liv," vowed Fin.
Elliot felt his phone buzz with a text when he was on his way to pick up Eli from school. He would bring his son to his apartment in Manhattan, and then Maureen and Karl would pick him up to take him and Rosie to Olivia's apartment, where Lucy would look after them and Noah for the evening. Though he hadn't yet met Lucy in person, Maureen had; besides, Olivia had complete trust in her and that was more than enough for Elliot.
When he pulled up in front of Eli's school, Elliot checked his phone. The text was from Fin.
You'd better be at least as nervous as she is right now. Don't worry, she's not backing out. Remember she's the boss, and don't fuck it up again. You know what will happen if you do. Good luck, man.
Elliot would have laughed if Fin wasn't right about him being nervous. Learning that she was nervous too but was still coming…he couldn't deny that it felt good to be in the same boat. But there was a difference. He'd been the one who'd left, and she'd been the one who stayed. It was up to him to prove to her that she wasn't just something to him – she was everything.
His musings were interrupted by the back door being opened and Eli climbing in. "Hi, Dad!"
"Hey, bud," said Elliot, looking at his son over his shoulder, waiting for Eli to put his seatbelt on before merging back onto the road. "Did you have a good day at school?"
"Yeah," said Eli nonchalantly. "My team lost at kickball during recess, though."
"Oh, that stinks," said Elliot. "You'll get'em next time. Besides, you get to hang out with Rosie and Noah tonight. Excited about that?"
Eli grinned and Elliot's heart warmed. Eli had always loved Rosie (it was still so strange to think of his seven-year-old as an uncle). "Yeah. Lucy told us we could order pizza and ice cream!"
He knew that Eli had met Lucy on a previous playdate. He gave an exaggerated groan. "Oh, now that's what I'm talking about!" His tone became more serious and sincerer. "I'm glad you like playing with Rosie and Noah, especially when they're so much younger than you."
"I like not being the baby anymore," Eli said simply.
Elliot nodded to himself. Eli being born when he was, with his brother and sisters all so much older than him, he must have felt like an only child more than the youngest child. His siblings must feel more like aunts and an uncle than siblings sometimes. No wonder he'd been so excited when Rosie was born, despite the short-lived disappointment of it not being a boy.
As if they were on the same wavelength, Eli continued. "Now Rosie's the baby, and I love her. And Noah feels like having a little brother."
Elliot nearly had to pull over the car because the wave of emotion that hit him was like a tidal wave. The concept of Eli and Noah being brothers…He stopped his mind from going any further down that path, though. He couldn't let himself hope that far yet. The past two months had been as good as they could be, talking to Liv again though he didn't see her. And tonight…so much would be decided tonight…
But right now, he had to get his kid back to his place, so he concentrated on the road and asked his son more questions about school.
As requested, Lucy arrived at Olivia's apartment early, so that she could be with Noah while Olivia got ready for the evening. She knew that she would need to take her time and do that alone.
"Hey, Lucy, thanks so much," said Olivia as she let her in.
"No problem," said Lucy, immediately smiling at Noah and took him from Olivia's arms. "We're going to have such a fun night, huh, buddy? We'll have some company!"
Olivia smiled but then bit her lip. "And you really don't mind having another toddler and a seven-year-old on your hands?"
"Of course not," said Lucy. "Remember I worked in a daycare before becoming a private nanny. Compared to what I used to do on a daily basis, three kids is a cakewalk."
Olivia then looked down and noticed the familiar duffel bag that Lucy had dropped on the floor. "You brought your overnight bag?"
Lucy shrugged, the picture of casual innocence. "Just in case. You weren't sure what time you'd be home, so I wanted to be prepared. Like when you have to work late."
"So, you wouldn't mind staying the night tonight? Because I honestly don't know when I'll be coming home –"
"Yes, Olivia, I don't mind at all," said Lucy reassuringly. "Now go and get ready. What time are Maureen and Karl dropping off the kids?"
Olivia looked at her watch. "Umm…about an hour."
"Ok, then, go get ready," said Lucy, smiling at her. "We will be fine."
Olivia nodded, kissed Noah's head, and walked to her room.
Elliot didn't think he'd ever taken such care in dressing up as he did now. He had never been so grateful that his time in Italy had been an absolute improvement on his wardrobe, especially when it came to suits. He opted for a light blue shirt and darker blue blazer and slacks. When he reached for a tie, he stopped. His mind went back to the last time he and Olivia had gone undercover as a couple. They had gone to a swingers' club posing as a curious couple. The image of Olivia in that sleeveless, skin-tight, leopard-print dress was etched in acid on his brain…
He snapped himself out of it. He'd already taken a long shower; the last thing he needed was to take a cold one right now. Whatever Liv wore tonight, she would be beautiful. She was always beautiful.
Elliot forced his mind back to why he'd remembered that night: he hadn't worn a tie. He'd worn a tie with his suit every day he worked SVU (not counting the brief period he'd gone casual after Dani Beck had joined the unit for a while). He didn't want to dress as if he was going into work. So, tonight…no tie.
Looking at himself in the mirror, he knew he had some things to be grateful for. He hadn't cut himself shaving. He was as devoted to his physical routine every day as he had been since he'd played football in high school. And his clothes were a big improvement over his wardrobe of the past. Sure, his hair line was receding so he kept it super short, but he didn't think Liv would care about that.
What she cared about was not what he looked like, but what was in his heart. He'd poured it out in his letter, and he'd poured it out in the way they had spoken over the phone. Though they'd both written the L word in their letters, somehow they knew that they couldn't say it aloud to each other for the first time over the phone. For his part, he also hadn't wanted to spook her. Would he have the chance to say it tonight? He hoped so.
Her reaction…well, she was the boss. Whatever she wanted, he would do.
A knock on the front door brought him back to the present. He heard Eli run to it from where he'd been on the couch watching TV. "Who is it?" he called out.
Elliot had to smile, glad that his son was remembering to check before opening the door. He didn't hear the response, but knew that it was Maureen and her family when he heard the door open. Smiling, he looked at himself one more time in his bathroom mirror, nodded and walked down the hall to the front door.
Sure enough, it was Maureen, Karl and Rosie. Maureen looked radiant, as always, wearing a dress that complemented her growing bump very well. As she was hugging Eli, Rosie spotted Elliot coming and squealed in delight. She squirmed in her father's arms and reached for him. Grinning that silly grandfather grin, Elliot happily scooped her up and gave her a snuggle. "Hey, guys," said Elliot.
"Hey, Dad," said Maureen, looking at him and grinning a knowing grin. "You look very nice."
"Thank you," said Elliot, ignoring the knowing smirk on his firstborn's face. "And you look beautiful. Feeling ok?"
Maureen nodded. "I feel pregnant but not to the extent that I don't want to get out of the house yet."
"Thank goodness," said Karl exaggeratedly, laughing when Maureen punched his arm. "Ready to go, Eli?"
"Yeah!" said Eli, picking up his backpack from by the door. After the show, Kathy and Andrew would take him home with them.
"Alright then," said Karl, taking Rosie back from Elliot after he gave her a kiss.
"You two behave for Lucy and have fun with Noah," said Elliot, hugging his son.
As Karl took Eli's hand and walked out with the two of them, Maureen hugged her father and said, "Good luck tonight, Dad."
"Thanks, honey," he murmured before letting her go.
After the front door was shut behind him, Elliot walked back into his bedroom. He had a bit of time before making his way to the theater. He couldn't deny how excited and nervous he was in equal measure. He was in uncharted territory. Before he knew what he was doing, he had knelt down by his bedside and folded his hands in prayer. So, he started to pray.
"Lord…you know more than anyone else all of my faults and all of my regrets. I trust that, whatever happens tonight, it will be Your will. But please…help me not to let her down again. Even if tonight is the last time I see her, let whatever happens tonight be the best thing for her. Amen."
From the hot shower to the hair-dressing to the make-up application to the dressing, Olivia moved with purpose and with complete focus. It helped to calm the butterflies in her midriff, who were flapping as though they were high on meth. The occasional sound of her son's laughter from down the hall helped, too.
From the moment she had decided that Lizzie's opening night would be the night she saw Elliot again, Olivia knew what dress she would wear. It was the same dress she had worn on the day the judge signed the papers making Noah officially her son. She loved this dress, and she wanted to wear it for another life-changing event in her life. For she knew that, whatever happened tonight, it would change her life.
As for her hair, Olivia opted to not wear her hair up this time. She had blow-dried her hair and then loosely curled it. Though he had never said it, Olivia had the feeling that Elliot liked it more when she had long hair. The times she had shown up at the precinct with her hair chopped short, Elliot hadn't acknowledged it but there'd been a disappointed look in his eyes. She'd have to ask him about that at some point.
She kept her make-up light and natural looking. She wasn't trying to be someone else tonight.
When she heard Maureen and Karl arrive to drop of Eli and Rosie, Olivia remained in her room with the door closed. She would see Maureen and Karl at the theater anyway, and she was taking the last moments to calm herself down. She turned to her bedside table and looked at the two photos framed there. One was of Noah on the day of his christening; the other was one of her and Elliot in the first year of their partnership. A few weeks ago, she had found the courage to pull that photo out from a box in the bottom of her closet, where she had buried it and a few other pictures of him. She would bring out the rest another time, when it felt right.
Olivia let out a breathless laugh. She had thought 'when,' not 'if.'
When she knew it was time for her to go, Olivia grabbed her clutched and exited her bedroom. She grinned at the sight of Eli, Rosie and Noah all sitting on the living room rug, playing with Noah's toys. Lucy was sitting on the sofa, watching them, and she gave her an approving smile. "Have a good time, Olivia. Don't worry about a thing here."
Olivia nodded, squatted down, and gave Noah a hug. "I love you, my sweet boy," she whispered. "Wish mommy luck."