It all happened very fast, looking back. Or that's what Gilbert thought as he was sitting next to Ella still in the labour room as Fred was with Alicia in the NICU. Four hours ago he hadn't even thought his friends would be having a baby that day. Heck, Ella hadn't even been in labour four hours ago, her due date still almost two weeks away, uncertain as it may be. And yet here they were. Baby born and Ella quiet, sore and concerned, longing to have Alicia in her arms. A precipitous labour, of all things. And not the fast and furious with easy ending, but…
His phone started vibrating and he looked at it. Carrots .
"Is that Fred?" she asked, her expectations clear in the air. He shook his head.
"Anne," he replied.
"Go ahead and take it, Gilbert," Ella said. "It's not like anything is going to change, and if he needs to contact us he knows I have my phone here as well." He nodded and answered the call. "God, I just pray Alicia is doing better," she murmured, folding her legs with a wince and resting her forehead on her knees.
"Hey, Anne," he said, his voice quiet, extending his hand to hold Ella's.
"Hey, Gil," she said happily. "I was thinking, how does lasagna sound for dinner? I'm sorry I'm calling you, I don't even know if you have a patient now, but we would need to get the ingredients…"
He hadn't even had time (or the mind, if he was honest) to call her yet. She had no idea Alicia was born. It was all so recent- Fred had gone with Alicia, the neonatologist and the nurses not half an hour ago, and Ella had been trying not to lose her mind for that time, on the verge of crying as she delivered the placenta. He knew he had been left alone with her only because he worked in the hospital and they trusted him to call as soon as something happened before her next check-up… Which hopefully, it wouldn't. Not anymore. It was enough that Alicia wasn't doing well now. He looked at the clock, frowning slightly. A nurse should be coming soon to check Ella again.
"That sounds good, Anne, if you want it" he replied, not thinking much about it and distracted. He was trying to divert his eyes from the myriad of monitors and IVs connected to Ella, from thinking about how Alicia was doing (was no news from Fred something good? Bad?) but focusing his mind on the steady way in which the second hand moved in the clock of the wall.
"Gil, are you ok? You sound… different," she said. "Is everything going well?"
"It's…" he said, sighing. He didn't even know how to explain what he was feeling. Frustration? Impotence? Worry? Joy, that everything had gone… well, seemed to be controlled? Was it even controlled? Why hadn't Fred said anything yet? He didn't know. He honestly couldn't say how he was feeling. He caressed Ella's hand with his thumb, absent minded.
"Gilbert, what happened?" Anne asked again, clearly worried. Ella was looking at him, her head still resting on her knees. She did look slightly pale, but she didn't have much color usually and it was February. The dead of winter. Still.
"Give me a moment, Anne, please," he said. "Ella, are you feeling ok?"
"Kind of dizzy?" she said, unsure.
"I'll call you back," Gilbert said before hanging up as he stood up and walked to check the heart monitor and frowned. "Ella, I'm sorry, I just need to check something."
"Gilbert, you've seen about everything there is to see about me by now, do whatever you need," she said tiredly, rolling her eyes as she dismissed it, and he could see her point. He had seen about everything as she had insisted she wanted him there as she delivered Alicia. He had basically run to the delivery room once Fred had texted him, and not two hours later Alicia had been hurried off to try to get her stable. He also knew Ella by then. They had been very close, after all, for over ten years, and he could take a look at her and know when she was feeling sick. She wasn't feeling well, not that anyone would blame her. He nodded and moved the sheets covering her as she leaned back and spread her knees, the tiredness and discomfort evident. He didn't even have to look much and pressed the red button on the side of the bed.
"Hello, how can I help you?" a nurse replied almost immediately.
"Hi, this is doctor Blythe. Can you please call dr. Oak now," he said, his voice calm, "and initiate hemorrhage protocol." Ella looked at him, frowning.
"Yes, doctor, be right there" the nurse said hurriedly and cut the communication.
"Gilbert?" Ella asked, confused.
"You're losing a bit more blood than I'm comfortable with, Ella," he explained. "It… happens, sometimes, when the uterus gets overworked, it has a hard time contracting back, and makes people lose more blood. You do have a wound the size of the placenta inside of you, and if the uterus doesn't contract it just keeps bleeding."
"But they gave me that shot just for that, right?" she said, trying to get comfortable.
"They did, yes," Gilbert said. "But also remember, your body did in three hours what most do in at least double that time. It might be that, or it might be something else. There might be a piece of the placenta in there, it could be anything. Dr. Oak will check you and give us more details, but I'd really want her to check on you now," he said, looking at the door. He wanted to appear as calm as possible so he didn't stress Ella any more, but he was concerned. The door opened again and dr. Oak entered, followed by a number of residents and nurses bringing more things.
He moved aside to give room to the attending physicians and went to stand on the side of the bed that was free of monitors, where he knew from experience he wasn't on the way. The last thing the working team needed was a doctor unfamiliarized with the case being more an obstacle than anything else. And Ella did need someone to support her right now, not someone else giving yet another opinion. Not having a clue of what was going on with her daughter couldn't help any, especially with her husband away as well.
"Hello, Ella," dr. Oak greeted her. "I'm just going to check how everything is, ok?"
"That's ok," Ella said softly, following the doctor's instructions. Gilbert glanced at the heart monitor that had gone up higher, and he cursed mentally, before looking back at her as a nurse helped her put an oxygen mask around as she tried to put her feet on the stirrups another had unfolded from under the bed.
"Do you want to hold my hand? It might be uncomfortable while they examine you," Gilbert said, feeling his phone vibrating in his pocket but ignoring it.
She nodded, clearly scared and worried but with her mind elsewhere, and held his hand, squeezing suddenly as she felt pain as dr. Oak continued to do her work with the help of the nurses and the residents. Gilbert tried to comfort Ella as best as he could, giving her soft comfort words and holding her hand, reminding her to breathe deeply as he listened vaguely at what they were saying- no trauma, he knew the placenta had come out whole and perfect, so most likely there wasn't a piece there but they still checked as Ella winced and squeezed Gilbert's hand as tight as she could. He couldn't imagine how that hurt, but from what he'd seen in his career, it had to be horrible.
He only prayed for Alicia to be doing better as they set up more medicines once dr. Oak diagnosed it was, as he had first suspected, an atony of the uterus. They proceeded with the regular treatment, adding more medications to the IVs she already had hooked. Hopefully it would work and they wouldn't need to progress to anything beyond that. Her heart rate slowly stabilized as the minutes passed and the nurses started cleaning up as dr. Oak explained to a still pale Ella what was happening. They had to wait some minutes to see if the blood flow went back to a normal level, and she would probably have a longer than usual stay in the hospital as they made sure she was no longer at risk of a new hemorrhage. And she would probably get at the very least some iron, he imagined.
She rested her head on the pillow, closing her eyes, still holding Gilbert's hand. The door opened and he looked up, while still paying attention to the conversation beside him between dr. Oak and the residents. A spooked Fred stood there, looking from the myriad of medical practitioners to Ella, to Gilbert, to the blood soaked absorbent pads the nurses were cleaning and putting in the correspondent bin. Gilbert felt his insides clench at his friend's color, not knowing if it was due to what he had found as he opened the door or... Surely Alicia couldn't really... He blinked, and frowned, as Ella opened her eyes and looked up to him, the oxygen mask still on her. She was still ghostly pale as well, and had to be exhausted, but surely she was paying attention to the door opening. And her phone.
"Alicia is doing fine," he said first, answering her silent question and focusing on what was happening as he walked to them. Gilbert noticed how she visibly relaxed and closed her eyes briefly, muttering something. "She's in the NICU, but she's stable and breathing better, love. She's not at risk for now and we can go visit anytime. What… what happened?" he asked, confused. Ella finally let go of Gilbert's hand when Fred was within reach and extended it to him. He took it in between both of his, sitting on the bed facing her.
"Hi, Fred," dr. Oak said, walking towards them and looking at him with kind eyes. "Ella had a hemorrhage. Uterine atony, but for now it seems to be controlled."
"Right," Fred said, nodding, his brow furrowed in both understanding and concern. "It seems to be controlled? How much blood..."
"We're waiting a moment for the medication to work, but we've already seen some improvement," dr. Oak explained. "We're estimating around 1000ml for now, and we're hoping this round of medication will help Ella. We're giving it a few minutes, if not we'll proceed with the protocol. But we're taking care of Ella, Fred."
"I know, I just…" Gilbert looked at him. He knew Fred, and as much as he looked relatively calm, he knew his friend was freaking out inside.
"I'm doing better, Freddie," Ella reassured him. "Gilbert noticed quickly enough something was odd and Emily came super quick. I'm just tired and achy, honest." Fred didn't look convinced in the slightest, but stayed quiet.
"Let me take another look, Ella," dr. Oak said, after glancing at the clock. Ella nodded and shut her eyes as the doctor performed the new exam. Gilbert noticed how she was clenching Fred's hand now as she bit her lip.
"Looking much better," she reassured them. "I'd like you to be here in observation at the very least half an hour more and then I can send you on a wheelchair with Fred to the NICU so you can visit little Alicia, ok?"
"She's really doing better, Freddie?" Ella asked him, after nodding to doctor Oak.
"I promise. I wouldn't be here otherwise," Fred reassured her. "I just needed to know how you were doing as well, and she's asleep now." Ella nodded, closing her eyes again. "You should probably try to rest as well, love. It's been a hard day for you both, why don't you have a nap for now?"
"I just want to see my baby," Ella muttered, her eyes still closed, a tear coming out of one. Fred caressed her cheek softly, clearing the lone tear.
"I know you do, love" Fred said, his tone gentle. "But I need both of you to be safe and well, and this is the way we can do it now."
"But she's all alone," Ella insisted, looking at him with glassy eyes. "She's been born barely an hour, and she's all alone in a plastic thing."
"Would you like me to go with her again while Blythe stays with you? Or do you want him to go with Alicia, love?" Fred asked gently.
"I can go wherever you need me, Ella," Gilbert said. "Just say what you need or what you want."
"Please be with your goddaughter?" she said. "I don't want her alone, but…"
"You need Fred now. I will be there, waiting for you both," Gilbert said. "I'll send you photos, Ella."
"Try calling? If they let you…" she said, sounding hopeful as he was moving around the bed. Gilbert nodded. The NICU wasn't a place where he went often, and he didn't know what sorts of restrictions they might have, but he would try to give Ella a Facetime call.
"Ella?" he said before heading for the door. She looked up, "You're doing amazingly, all things considered. You're stronger than you're giving yourself credit for."
"And that's you exaggerating," she replied. "I'm barely surviving here. Go be with my daughter, Gilbert."
Gilbert walked briskly to the NICU and was relieved to see dr. Smith there. She greeted him and let him in, and he sanitized his hands as she updated him on Alicia, since Fred had already mentioned that he was allowed with the baby and might be coming soon. He approached the incubator where Alicia was, as Ella had feared, alone in a plastic box. It wasn't that he didn't understand the need for that, but his heart always clenched when he entered the NICU and saw all the babies that couldn't be with their parents. She was small, a light sheen of blond hair not unlike her mother's, wearing only a diaper since the incubator was keeping her warm. She was hooked to oxygen and plenty of monitors, but unlike the limp, blueish baby that had been rushed off, she was now pink, the remaining blueish tint only in her hands and feet, and looked peaceful in her sleep.
"She's been able to maintain a good oxygenation rate with the oxygen, so we're optimistic about her prognosis," a doctor he vaguely remembered as Kemal told him. He nodded, glancing briefly at his badge. Dr. Kebal. Well, he hadn't been that far off, he just was never around this side of the hospital. "We'll leave her with that for a few hours, give her lungs a chance to adjust, and then we'll reevaluate. Still, much to be thankful for."
"That's good, I was afraid it would be more serious," Gilbert said, relaxing a bit. The meconium coming with the fluids had put everyone on edge, considering how the birth was going. And then, when Alicia had come out not breathing and slightly blue, with such a low Apgar score they had rushed her out, he had feared she had aspirated too much of the sticky substance. There were treatments, yes, but still. His memory was good enough to know that respiratory distress was one of the leading causes of infant death, and one of the reasons that led to that was precisely meconium aspiration.
"She's stable, and we acted quickly enough that if she continues to respond well to treatment we might discharge her in a couple of days, maybe a week. As I was telling dr. Wright, for now we don't think there will be any damage to her lungs," dr. Kebal said.
"Those are some good news," Gilbert said, frowning and resisting the urge to rub his eyes. What a stressful day.
"If you don't mind me asking… How's Fred's wife? He looked distressed when he tried to call and she wouldn't answer," the doctor asked gently. Of course dr. Kebal would know Fred, who dealt with most everyone around the hospital and had a good share of perinatal patients.
"She's stable, now," Gilbert said. The other doctor frowned slightly and Gilbert sighed, not knowing how much to tell. "It was a hard labor and it's taking more of a toll on her than we would like, but everything was under control when I left them a few minutes ago. Speaking of which, is it allowed at all to video call here? I'm sorry, I don't know the rules of this ward."
"It sure is, just try to keep the volume low," dr. Kebal said. "I have to check on some babies, but please let me know if you need anything, dr. Blythe."
"Thank you, doctor. Will do that," he agreed, looking for his phone. There they were, the lost calls from Fred. And a message from Anne.
**Gilbert Blythe (16:19): Anne-girl. I'm sorry I worried you before. Love you.
He was about to call Ella when his phone buzzed again.
**Carrots (16:19): All good?
He swallowed. All things considered… Yes? Probably? He dialed, and Ella picked up almost immediately. She was still pale and wearing the oxygen mask, but Fred was sitting next to her, arm around her back and she seemed much calmer than before as she snuggled as best she could against him.
"Show me my baby, Gilbert," she pleaded. Gilbert chuckled, shaking his head.
"Love, remember what I told you, she will have wires and tubes all around, but she is stable and doing better. Otherwise Blythe wouldn't be calling like this," Fred said. Obviously he had been trying to prepare Ella for the shock of her baby covered in medical paraphernalia, which made sense. What both of them were used to was something that would for sure scare the shit out of Ella, and he could get why. Even he had been taken aback, probably because it was the first baby he had seen in a hospital that he could consider family.
"I know, you even showed me photos," Ella said. "Gilbert, please show me my daughter or I will go there now even if dr. Oak isn't happy about it."
"All right, all right," Gilbert said. "So, ready? Meet little Alicia, mom" he added, as he turned the camera and moved his phone, trying to focus the sleeping baby. There was an audible gasp from Ella, even through the noise of the NICU. Gilbert watched her carefully, not knowing what kind of gasp it was.
"Love? Are you ok?" Fred asked softly. She nodded, her eyes clouded.
"It's just… She looks pink, and not blue, but… and..." she tried explaining, but buried her face in Fred's chest. He held her closely and looked at Gilbert through the camera, a worried expression in his face.
"I understand how difficult and different this is from what you envisioned, love," he said quietly, caressing her. "It's valid you're having a hard time with this, it's not what you were expecting and it's very confusing not understanding what is happening or why she looks like this or what it means."
"Ella, we both are here for you. We know it's not fair that you're over there and Alicia is here," Gilbert added as Fred. "I'll keep her company until you can take over."
"Talk to us, Ella. Don't bottle it up. We're here for you, even if you just want to rant about how horrible this whole situation is. It is horrible. But she's stable, love," Fred tried to soothe her. She stayed there for a moment, with Fred holding her closely as well as he could while he had the phone on the other hand. Eventually, she let go of Fred and looked at them both. Well, at Fred and at his phone's screen, where Gilbert was still showing her the baby.
"Isn't she cold?" she asked, her eyes blotched and cheeks red.
"No, Ella," Gilbert explained, showing her how the machine kept her warm. "There's all these things on her, but just to help her for the next few hours, all the readings are good now."
"They really are? She looks so tiny and fragile in there," she insisted, skeptical.
"They truly are. This one here is showing us her oxygen saturation, see? It's at 95%. That's great for a newborn," Gilbert showed her what all the medical things were for, focusing the lens on each as he explained, and Ella seemed more relaxed when she understood that most of them were just monitors and not working actively to keep Alicia alive. She just had one medication and oxygen, which was more than what they had hoped for, but not as bad as many other scenarios. They cut the call as dr. Oak entered the room again, hopefully to check Ella again and allow her to go see her baby.
**Gilbert Blythe (16:37): It's manageable, Carrots. I might be a bit late. I'll call you once I have a better picture.
He put the phone back into his pocket and sighed, looking at the baby. Long, blonde eyelashes, she stirred in her sleep. She was so cute, like a tiny version of Ella with something of Fred here and there. Alicia was tiny and perfect. How would his baby be? He hoped the baby was as much like Anne as Alicia with Ella. Red hair. Blue eyes. Freckles all around.
He also hoped the birth wouldn't be this nightmare. He couldn't imagine the emotions going through Ella and Fred right now, if he, who was definitely not the father, was anxious, stressed and worried to no end. Mainly keeping it together for them. Seeing Ella have a hemorrhage had triggered in his mind the memory of his father telling him about his mother's death. He wouldn't handle well either if the two most important women in his life dying as they gave birth, he was sure of that.
He was so absorbed in his thoughts he jumped as he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned to see Fred, and relaxed. Ella was in a wheelchair beside them, the saline and medication bags hanging from a hook. He reached to her, asking a silent question.
"I'm feeling calmer now, Gilbert," she reassured him. He nodded, and moved to the side so she could see her daughter from the chair. Looking at his friend again, he could see she was blinking tears away again. Fred wasn't taking his eyes from her, his hand on the back of her neck, his thumb caressing her lightly, soothingly. "Can we… take her out of that thing? I just want to hold her." Her voice had such a yearning tone it made Gilbert's insides clench even more than they had been the whole afternoon.
"Let me just grab a couple of blankets and ask dr. Kebal," he said, putting himself to use. The doctor nodded and a nurse showed him where they stored the warmed blankets, offering her help if they needed anything but trusting them as two of the hospital doctors to keep everything reasonably under control. He took a couple and went where Ella and Fred were admiring their newborn kid. Ella seemed more in control of herself again, and was looking at Fred and then at the baby, as her husband smiled and shook his head as if she was saying something endearing. He stopped a few meters away, giving them some privacy, and silently took a couple of photos. He knew Fred would love to have them later. Ella chuckled at something and then looked around, and he resumed his walk to them.
"Here you are! I thought we lost you," she said. "Look, she's awaking! So, can we hold her? Before she goes back to sleep?"
"Yes, you can," Gilbert said. "So, before I do anything, do you want her skin-to-skin, or do you want me to swaddle her?"
"Swaddle her?" Ella asked, confused.
"Wrap her like a burrito," Gilbert said, smiling. Ella laughed.
"You know how to do that, Blythe?" Fred asked curiously.
"I did take care of my niece, Fred," Gilbert replied, rolling his eyes. Fred shook his head. "Ella?"
"I don't know, is there a difference?" she asked, thoroughly confused, looking alternatively to one and the other as if the two guys would have all the answers.
"She might be calmer just against your skin, and it helps her regulate better as well. Her heart and breathing, I mean. And I believe her temperature as well… I'm very rusty in this Ella, I'm sorry. But your scent is familiar to her and she will have your warmth," Gilbert explained. "And maybe you can try breastfeeding, I know it's something you were looking forward to."
"Ok, bring her on, then," she said. Gilbert nodded and wrapped the baby lightly as Ella undid the top knot of the hospital gown. He put her over Ella's bosom and wrapped them both with the other towel. "She's so tiny, Fred!" she said, looking at her husband in wonder and then back at the peaceful baby.
"She's 3,400 grams, love," he said. "They weighed her once she was stable."
"And that's tiny, right? I mean, look at her!" she insisted, caressing gently the plump cheek and then reaching for one of her hands. Alicia campled one of Ella's fingers instinctively.. "Look at her tiny hands!"
"She's quite on average," Fred chuckled, touching lightly her blond hair. "But yes, she's tiny. And cute. Did you see that dimple?"
"She's the cutest little girl," Ella said. "So, how does this work? You both are doctors, so you better help me feed my kid," she told them, and Gilbert laughed in relief as he saw Ella's character come back now that she was feeling more sure about her baby being well.
They tried, but clearly, what Ella had watched on youtube and read in books didn't seem to match the reality of her daughter, and Gilbert wasn't used to nursing mothers at all, for all he wanted. Fred wasn't in any condition to explain anything either, so they ended up calling the lactation consultant for help. Ella took the challenge with the same determination she had for everything, and Alicia was hungry enough that it didn't take much convincing to open her mouth so Ella could understand what the proper latch was.
"So, have you told Anne yet?" Ella asked, once Alicia was asleep in her arms again. Gilbert shook his head.
"No, I wanted to see you settled with Alicia first," he explained. "And there hasn't been much time, really."
"Oh, let's do a video call when you get there tonight!" Ella proposed. "That way she'll be able to meet Alicia."
Anne was waiting for Gilbert when he arrived, accompanied by Bear, and her face contracted in worry as she saw Gilbert take the dog out of the car by the leash.
He had texted her a while before, saying that unless she was actually craving lasagna maybe something more simple would be better, and then again once he was about to leave hospital for the night, past seven in the evening. He hadn't wanted to leave to look for Ella and Fred's things until he was sure Ella was comfortable in her room, and Alicia also stable enough for both her parents to be calm. Especially Fred to be calm, since he knew how much Ella would depend on that to feel better during the night.
Gilbert had rushed to their place to find the hospital bag Ella had packed weeks in advance, that had some clothes for them, toiletries and everything Alicia could need. She had forgotten it once she had called the taxi, too scared and overcome with how strong everything had felt at the time. She had known enough about how labour was supposed to be like to know that whatever was going on with her wasn't normal, and had texted Fred in between contractions as she wasn't sure she would be able to have a fluid conversation.
Before leaving the Wright's home he decided to check if the car seat had been installed, highly doubting that would slip Ella's over prepared mind. Sure enough, it was in her car, and Fred could easily take that one the day they would be discharged. Bear looked at him, confused, and he served his food before leaving for the hospital. He would pick him up later. He had already agreed with Fred it would be for the best. No need to have Bear alone for days, with someone just checking in with him to feed him.
"Gil, what happened?" she asked, not daring to go out in the snow.
"A bit of everything, let me just get inside," he replied. He felt overwhelmingly tired now that he was finally arriving home. He took the leash off the dog and he went trotting inside and went directly to Anne, who knelt in front of him to greet him but didn't take her eyes off Gilbert, who had gone back to the car. He arrived with the huge dog bed that was Bear's, his dishes and a container with his food. "He'll stay with us for a few days."
"Ok…" Anne said, more confused by the minute. "I made a mushroom cream, do you want some?"
"Please, Anne-girl," he agreed, as he took off his shoes and coat. Bear followed Anne to the kitchen, waving his tail. "Do you need a hand?"
"No, take a seat. I'm just reheating this for you, I had some a while ago when you said you'd be late," she explained. Gilbert sat on the island after washing his hands and looked at the void for a few seconds, trying to collect his scattered thoughts.
"Thank you, Carrots," he said softly. He took a deep breath and then sighed deeply. There was no way to avoid it any longer. And maybe, just maybe, he was being paranoid. "So… Alicia was born today."
"What?! That's what happened?!" Anne said, turning around quickly, her eyes full of excitement until she saw Gilbert and thought about how elusive he had been the whole afternoon. "Gil? Are they fine?" she asked, her tone going down from her joy to a definite concern. She would have thought Gilbert would have been over the moon at the idea of Fred and Ella's baby being born.
"They're… ok," he explained. Anne's eyes widened. Ok? That wasn't "well". Or "great". Or anything positive, really. It felt like it was supposed to be a relief, a reprieve, but she wasn't buying it. "They're both at the hospital now, Fred is with them. I actually believe he'll call me once Ella's asleep."
"But Ella wasn't even in labor this morning when we talked! She mentioned something about a headache and a sore back."
"She wasn't in active labor this morning, Anne-girl," he explained. He rubbed his eyes, still thinking the best way to explain what had happened without freaking out Anne, who would be birthing their kid in about four months. He hadn't reached an answer. "There's something that's called precipitous labor. It's not common. It happens very suddenly and is very quick. Sometimes the parents don't even have time to get to the hospital."
"But that should be good, right? Less suffering? It's supposed to be painful for hours… so shouldn't it be like ripping off a bandaid? The faster the better?" Anne asked, confused.
"Well, that would be the best-case scenario, I suppose," Gilbert agreed. "However, when it's like this… the body doesn't really have time to get used to what's going on. Instead of dilating slowly, it goes quickly. Instead of finding a rhythm in the contractions, they go all out, sometimes without much of a break in-between them. Of course, every case is different, but it was like this for Ella. Too much, very fast. It was all over in less than four hours, Anne."
"Four hours?!" she said, shocked.
"From the time she started having contractions until the placenta was out. It was fast. It was…" he struggled, looking for a word, as he replayed the afternoon in his mind, his head resting on his hands that were on the cool surface of the kitchen island. "Heck, it was scary. There wasn't time to do much, not even give her an epidural. I mean, I remember the anaesthetist tried, but he said it was too risky since she couldn't stay still. I don't know who could have stayed still."
"You were there?" Anne asked, confused. She didn't know Ella had wanted him there, as she gave birth to Alicia. There again, it made sense. She had seen how close Ella and him were.
"They texted me once Fred was with her. It's not like she has much family around, and she wasn't sure about how you'd feel there," he said. And he had been handy, already at the hospital. He had just cancelled everything he could in his schedule. And while Anne had been mentioned, with Covid Ella couldn't have more than two support persons, and she had been clear about who she wanted from the start: him and Fred.
"I don't know if I would have been able to help at all," Anne agreed. She knew a ton about babies, with having lived in foster care for years on end. She had seen several of her foster families receive children "of their own" and cast her and the other foster kids aside as they marveled at the new baby. But she knew next to nothing about childbirth. Only what she had read so far in the books and things she had looked up. She had signed up for a prenatal class with Gilbert, but it wasn't due to start until a couple of weeks later.
"It's not like we could do much, Anne," Gilbert sighed. "Fred tried to get her breathing… you know how he goes. Tried to keep her present and focused and breathing, instead of spiraling down the pain and anxiety she was feeling. I tried rubbing her back and a nurse showed me how to do counter-pressure when she was having a contraction. I almost feel like I left bruises," he continued, shaking his head. Later Ella had reassured him about how much relief he had given her, so at least there was that. "It was… Few times I've felt so impotent, you know? And I'm supposed to be a doctor, to know what to do…" he trailed off, as he felt how his voice was breaking. He swallowed. He could remember too clearly how Ella had mentioned, in what looking back had to have been transition, that she wasn't going to make it.
"You weren't there as a doctor, Gil," she said, walking over to where he was and holding him close. He buried himself in her chest, breathing deeply. Her scent always calmed him the most. "You were there as a friend, maybe even as a brother, but certainly not as a doctor. Why do you think doctors can't treat family? There's too much involvement, it's too hard to keep the distance you need. And I'm sure whatever doctor was overseeing her case was doing everything they could to keep them both safe."
"That's… That's true, I guess," he agreed, still feeling disheartened. "Still, once we saw there was meconium, and considering how distressed she was… Even Alicia's heartbeat was all over the place. They were considering a c-section by then, you know? Just because it was on the verge of putting them both in danger. But before they could decide, Alicia was born. They were discussing it and Ella was already pushing, not able to control anything. And we all were expecting this… this cry, you know? Or at least I was, I guess. But she didn't cry. She didn't do anything. She was this pale, bluish color…," Gilbert continued, his throat closing. He cleared it forcefully, emotional as he felt everything from that moment come back. The paralyzing fear, the impotence, Ella's face as she heard dr. Oak declared she wasn't breathing and then the frantic cutting of the cord, and everything blurred as they took the baby away and Ella pleaded Fred to go with them, to not leave their daughter alone. The cold sweat and how he felt he was trembling, but trying to hide it from Ella to not distress her any further.
"At least Ella had you there," Anne said, still holding him as he told her everything that had happened. She felt his hot breath on her chest, and caressed his curls gently, trying to soothe him. It all sounded like a nightmare. She couldn't imagine being in Ella's situation. It had been hard enough when she had bled some months before, but… She swallowed, decided to be calm for him, to hold him there as he had been for Ella. He needed to let this out, to talk about what had happened, and if he was opening and not keeping it inside, she wasn't going to distract him or keep him from it. "She was never alone. That would have been even harder. And you were there for her, Gilbert. That means more than you're giving yourself credit for."
"It's not like it changed anything," he said, still feeling conflicted. "I couldn't do anything to help her feel better. She was spending the first minutes as a mother without knowing if her daughter was out of danger or not, without having even seen her, in a ton of pain and not understanding anything of what was going on. I tried to explain, as best I could, to reassure her… But even I couldn't keep up from where I was, next to her."
"But she could see her later, right? You told me they're both ok," Anne insisted. Gilbert nodded, but his expression was enough to tell her there was even more to the story. "What else happened? And what happened to Alicia, come to that?"
"Alicia was distressed because of how the labour was. That makes some babies poop while still in the womb… most of the time it's just a cause of concern, but nothing serious. That's why we were seeing meconium. The thing is, she aspirated this as she went out, and it got into her lungs, not letting her breathe."
"You're kidding," Anne gasped.
"I wish I was. So, she breathed this thing… It's sticky, black, and well, not conducive for good breathing if it's in your lungs. There are different treatments, depending on how it goes and all, but the main thing is that Alicia is now out of danger and she's having a medication to prevent some swelling and some oxygen to help while her lungs recover," he explained, keeping it as simple as he could. Anne nodded, but the look of worry didn't leave her face. He tried to reassure her, "she will be ok, Anne. At least, that is unless something else happens."
They stayed in silence for a moment. Anne let him go slowly and went back to check on the soup, biting her lip as she thought about Ella. She felt there was more to that, but she didn't want to push it. Gilbert looked shaken in a way she had seen only a handful of times, and she knew he needed time to process his thoughts before continuing. She stirred the soup slowly and poured a bowl as Gilbert resumed his talk, his voice low and scared.
"I… I truly can't imagine what would happen if she wasn't. Ella would be destroyed. She has wanted to be a mother for… I don't know how many years. Five, easily. It was never good timing, and then it wasn't easy for her to conceive… I don't know what she would do. And Fred? He might look calm and collected and anything you want, but I've never seen him so scared in ten years. That baby is everything to them."
"But you just told me she will be fine, right?" she asked, leaving the bowl in front of him. She had topped the soup with some croutons.
"Yes, but Ella spent almost an hour without knowing that. Fred was there as they helped Alicia, and I know he's feeling impotent about the whole thing. And then, to top it off, Ella had a hemorrhage."
"What?!" Anne exclaimed. "Oh my gosh!"
"This afternoon has been a nightmare, Anne," he sighed, because there was no other way to describe it. "I realized just when you called me, remember I hung up? I was with her, and we had been left alone after the delivery of the placenta. It was the first time it was only the two of us in the room, and Ella wasn't even really present, her mind on whatever was going on with the baby. And suddenly I realized how much paler she was, and her heart rate was higher… I mean, she's also stable now, and again, the treatment worked for her, but… She scared the shit out of me. I didn't know anything about Alicia, and I felt Fred was watching her baby die as I saw his wife die at the same time," he added, rubbing his eyes.
"Shit, Gil…" Anne said, not really knowing what to say. Her mind went directly to Gilbert's mother, and how John Blythe had found himself with a baby but no wife. And she knew enough to know that was exactly what had occurred to Gilbert the whole afternoon. What he was thinking now, most likely. She sat on the stool next to him and rested her hand on his leg, caressing gently. He put his hand on top of hers, squeezing lightly and then tried the soup, holding the spoon with the other hand. "It all sounds terrifying, to be honest. I don't even know what to say."
"There's no need for you to say anything, Anne-girl," he said gently, and she rested her head on his shoulder. He ate in silence and she went over everything he had just told her for a few minutes. Bear looked at them from the other side of the kitchen, resting his head on his paws.
"I'm glad they're both recovering. Will they have to stay long at the hospital?" she asked after a few minutes.
"A couple of days. I hope they discharge them at the same time, I know it would be hard for Ella to go home without Alicia," he said. "Alicia's doctor said it could be up to a week if she wasn't oxygenating well in a couple of days."
"I hope they stay together," Anne mumbled. "God, I feel so happy and sad about the whole thing. Happy about Alicia being born, sad and worried about the circumstances. I don't even know if I should congratulate them or something. It feels strange, considering everything."
"I get you," he sighed. He was about to add something, when his phone rang. He looked at the screen. Fred.
"Take it, Gil. He needs you. I'll prepare some tea, let me know if I can do anything," she said, kissing him before standing up and going to the kettle. He sighed, knowing it was a call he had to take, but not knowing how much he could help Fred to process everything, when it was still so raw for him.
"Hey," he said finally, accepting the call and standing up. He walked towards Bear, who waved his tail hitting the floor loudly. "How's everything going over there?" he asked as he knelt in front of the dog to scratch him behind the ears.
"Quiet," Fred replied, "Ella fell asleep a bit ago. I'm pretty sure the pain medication helped, and then having Alicia away… Well, she has this idea that time will go quicker if she sleeps and then she'll be able to go back again to the NICU, and I don't blame her."
"Who would?" Gilbert replied, sitting on the floor next to the dog, who immediately put his head on his extended legs. He rested his head against the wall, closing his eyes as his fingers buried themselves in the black fur.
"Right. I went to this weird little cafeteria they have on the maternity ward for the new parents. I didn't even know it existed," Fred commented. "Plenty of things for new parents. Mainly chocolate milk and toast."
"What?" he asked, confused, and opened his eyes.
"Weird, I know. And a sign that asks you not to take it here due to covid," he huffed. "Which makes sense. But chocolate milk?"
"Tell me you don't want some, Wright," Gilbert chuckled. Fred laughed.
"No, I do. I took some a while ago. I've met a couple of new dads already, and we all go directly to the milk. So probably they know more about what they're doing here than we do," he commented, stifling a yawn. "I wanted to thank you, Blythe. For everything today."
"There's nothing to thank, Fred."
"There is too, Gilbert, and you know it," Fred insisted. "I don't know what I would have done without you there. And Ella, too. Somehow you managed to keep us from falling apart, and you know we'll always be thankful."
"I didn't do anything you wouldn't have done," Gilbert replied. "And you know it goes both ways. You both have also helped me stay together many times over the years. There's no way I wouldn't have been there this afternoon."
"It was… Nothing like any of us expected."
"Who expects that, Fred? You can prepare for a ton of different things that are more or less plausible. But no one ever tells you to prepare for the sort of labor Ella had," Gilbert replied, closing his eyes again. "It just doesn't happen that often, and when it does, it's more of seeing what you can do as it goes."
"I know. And I understand Emily and the other doctors did everything they could," Fred agreed, his voice tense, "but I had never felt so impotent as when I saw them trying to get Alicia to breathe and I couldn't do anything," Fred whispered in the end, and Gilbert could just picture him, going over every scenario at once.
"Freddie," he said after a moment of silence.
"Yeah?"
"She's ok. In the NICU, but we both know it's a matter of time until she goes. You can turn off that head of yours."
"Says you, the universal overthinker," Fred didn't even try to hide his sarcasm.
"Well, what can I say…" Gilbert replied. Fred chuckled. "You know it is normal to feel frustrated and angry and everything you're feeling, right?"
"I do, Blythe," Fred said quietly. "I understand what I'm going through. It doesn't make it a bit easier, you know? Even if I know I'm grieving the experience we didn't have, and the first few hours that we won't get back, it doesn't help any with how I'm feeling now. I can only rationalize stuff to a certain point, then it's moot. Or Ella, just she was able to shut down thanks to whatever they put in her IV."
"You've said it a ton of times, Fred. It's normal to feel. Feel it," Gilbert replied.
"Yeah well, I'd rather shut it down for a bit if I could," he replied, his voice tight. Gilbert agreed, but honestly, there wasn't a sensible way for that to happen. "You know what pisses me the most right now?"
"What?" Gilbert asked, not knowing if it would be Alicia away from them, or the hemorrhage, or...
"Ella and her parents' situation," Fred said, a tint of bad humour and exasperation in his voice.
"How come?" Gilbert asked, trying to understand where that was coming from. Ella's parents hadn't even been mentioned through the afternoon. Which was kind of weird, looking back.
"It's the one thing we could control about this whole mess. That the rest was completely unpredictable I can live with. That the outcome is pretty great for both of them, it's also clear for me. I can come to peace with everything that happened today, mainly because I know there's nothing we could have done differently and we all did the best we could," Fred explained, "It might take a bit, yes, but I do understand where it came from and why it happened, it's just a duel I'll have to make, same as Ella will."
"And where do her parents fit in all this?" Gilbert asked, confused.
"Because they're about the one thing we can control, kind of, but she won't even let me tell them about Alicia," Fred replied. "Look, I know it's not the case anymore and Ella is being monitored closely and Alicia as well, and that by now we're pretty sure they're out of any danger. I'm not certain of that only because the doctors say so, but because you left the hospital and you wouldn't have done so if you had any doubt," Fred said, and Gilbert had to agree. "I worry about Ella being anemic in the coming weeks, but I'm pretty sure they're taking care of that as well. But there was a moment today when I thought I might lose them, either of them… And there I was thinking I have no idea what happened between her and them, how would I be supposed to tell them something happened to their daughter?"
"Nothing happened, you know?" he tried to soothe him.
"I do! But still, shouldn't they know they're grandparents now? Something?" Fred said, frustrated. "I do get their relationship is nothing like the one I have with my parents. Every family dynamic is unique, I do get that. And I know they haven't been close for years and that the gap has only widened every passing month. For all I know, they haven't talked since September, since whatever happened when she was up there. But still, Blythe. She still won't tell me what happened and she flat out refuses to tell them anything- even that Alicia is born!"
"As much as I hate to say it, Fred, it is her family," Gilbert replied. "I wish I knew what happened as much as you do, because maybe we could help and do something. At least, hear her out. But I've seen her much more at peace in the past couple of months than before, haven't you?"
"Well, that's a good point," Fred reluctantly agreed. "She does seem more calm about everything, like she isn't fighting so much with whatever they tell her and just living her life."
"Exactly. So maybe it's just for the better? Maybe she's better off without them, and maybe something made her realize that in September and she wishes to keep that to herself. We have to respect that, as well."
"You have a point," Fred agreed, begrudgingly.
"I know it's frustrating."
"It is fucking frustrating. What if something had happened?"
"Well, the important thing right now is that it didn't," Gilbert pointed out. "And now you have the opportunity to talk with her about what to do in case it ever happens. Who should you contact and when, and how much you should say. Just so you know how she feels and you can do your best to respect her wishes."
"Clever as always, Blythe," Fred commented. They stayed in silence again, neither speaking for what was probably entire minutes. Gilbert had his eyes closed in exhaustion, but knew his mind would keep him from actually resting. "I'm exhausted, but I can't even think about sleeping."
"Same here," Gilbert replied.
"Do you think they'll let me into the NICU at this time? To see Alicia?" there was a hopeful tint in the fatigued voice.
"I don't know, Fred. I think today was the first time I was over there in all in the time we've been in the hospital," Gilbert replied. "You don't lose anything by trying, though. They know you there, it might help."
"Right. So I'll head over. Thanks for the chat, Blythe."
"Anytime, Fred."