AN: This is a gift to the wonderful Jessy from the Lizzington Shippers FB group. I hope I made this to your expectations and that you will thoroughly enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it. Happy Hiatus to all!
"Lizzie, stop worrying. I'll be back within three hours. If I am not then take your bag and move to the next safe house," Red whispered. He had to leave. Dembe found a defector within the security detail for Naomi. This was something that had to be dealt with by him, and him alone. He had to make sure Naomi was alright and in order to do that, he had to leave Lizzie.
They had been on the run for two weeks now and had already moved four times. They were still in the States, they had two more houses to go before they could safely leave the country. They haven't had any problems except for Lizzie. Lizzie was, well complicated. She tried to fight the monster that clawed through her every waking thought and nightmare but she slowly succumbed. As her sin eater he could only do so much. He longed to hold her close again, he had done so only twice before. She didn't react well in the aftermath the second time so he has not touched her until today. That was last week. Oh, how he enjoyed her warm embrace despite her tears. He loved her touch. Her smell. Her smile. Her giggle as he accidentally tickled her. He loved her. He always has, and with time his love evolved romantically. He couldn't burden Lizzie with his feelings, he wasn't even sure what she felt towards him. Did she think of him as a father? Brother? God forbid, uncle? He promised Sam that he would love and protect her, he just didn't expect it to go this far.
"Red please, please don't go." Lizzie was frantically shaking her head.
"Shh sweetheart, shh. It's okay, I'll be back soon," Red whispered. He knew what was coming next, he knew he couldn't do it.
"Promise me. Promise that you will come back."
"You know I can't do that."
"Then I'm sorry Red, but you're not going anywhere," Liz pushed him onto the couch. After getting over the shock of being pushed, Red stared up at Lizzie. Her arms crossed over her chest, legs spread in a dominant stance with her hair slightly shadowing her face as she looked down at him.
"Beautiful…"
"What did you say?"
"Bullshit. I said bullshit. Lizzie you're a grown woman and I'm a much more grown man. I can take care of myself and I do what I want," Red quietly snapped. He didn't mean to but he'd be damned if she actually heard what he said. 'Control yourself Raymond, what's wrong with you?' he mentally chastised.
Lizzie just stared at him, dumfounded. How can he be so stupid as to leave so soon? Is this a ploy? 'No Liz, you're done questioning him at every turn and being an ungrateful brat. He has a point.'
"I just don't understand why you have to go. And so soon? What's so important that you have to leave?" She said.
Red sighed, patting the spot next to him on the couch. Once she sat down he looked to her. Really looked at her. Her eyes were bloodshot from lack of sleep, her face was gaunt from not eating well and her skin was almost sickly looking. His left eye twitched at the realization that he hasn't been taking care of her. He promised to look after her and now look, she was slowly dying right in front of him and he's been too preoccupied with getting them out of the country and now Naomi's predicament that he hasn't even looked at Lizzie the past two weeks. His face must have changed because Lizzie asked him if he was okay.
"No. No I'm not okay," Red said, his face pinched worriedly.
"Why? What's wrong? Red I can help you. I know I haven't been at my best recently but I'm more than capable. I've been so ungrateful and disrespectful and I'm trying my hardest to make for that," Lizzie rushed out, her cheeks gaining some colour. Red was silent still, just staring at her. "Let me help you," She whispered.
He shook his head slightly. "You can't, Lizzie. Because I have just realised that the majority of all my worries the past two weeks have done nothing but make you ill. You can't help me because I'm an idiot man. And believe me there's no cure for that, my wife checked," he breathed out a laugh. "Lizzie you need to understand that the past two weeks have been hellish for me and it caused me to be neglectful. I'm trying my hardest to do so much and I've only attained so little. I won't lie, I am overworked and over worried, but that is no excuse for the way I have been treating you recently," Red finished sharply.
"No, Red. Don't think like that. I know the past two weeks have been hard on both of us but it's all because of you that we're alive and safe. You have always protected me," Lizzie tried to reason.
"Alive and safe, yes, but that's it. We're not anything else. We're not healthy, active, or even enjoying ourselves," Red argued but got cut off by Lizzie.
"I thought that if there was no fun to be had, you weren't interested," Lizzie smiled.
Red grimaced at her repetition of his earlier words. Back when things were complicated, but a whole lot simpler. "Yes, but remember you bring all the fun and my point is that I've been too busy to see you. Really see you, Lizzie," Liz blushed a bit more, her ears turning the most adorable pink. "You've become almost sickly. Your skin is pale and greyish, you haven't slept properly in days, I don't even know when the last time you ate was for gods sake."
Lizzie went to speak again but Red huffed, "no Lizzie let me finish I need to get this off my chest," he gave her a pointed look and she promptly closed her mouth. "I've neglected you in my worry for you, as absurd as that sounds it's true. I promised your father that I would keep you safe and – and protect you at all costs. I have kept true to that but I have failed you. Under my care you were so supposed to be cared for. Not this. I never wanted this. I can't believe I let it get this far," Red sighed deeply. He was chewing the inside of his cheek furiously now, quite visibly aggravated at himself.
"What else did my father say?" Lizzie whispered, looking at his jacket lapel.
Red stopped and looked at her. He slipped.
"He told me, made me promise to, to love and care for you," Red whispered, his left eye twitching again as he stared right at her.
"Do you?" Lizzie asked, hesitantly meeting his eyes.
"What an absurd question," he laughs.
"No, no it isn't Red."
"Raymond. Or Ray. Either or, whichever you prefer. Just don't call me Raymi – my grandmother used to call me that. I abhorred it," Red said, glancing around the room.
"You want me to use your first name? Why?" Lizzie asked.
"I believe we're comfortable around each other by now to use first names. I've been using yours, despite your reverent refusal to acknowledge me do so, since day one."
"Okay. Raymond. I like it," Lizzie smiled. "But you didn't answer my question."
Red sighed. He loved hearing his name on her lips. If only she could say it all the time, is that too selfish of him? Yes, because then he would miss her constant need to be heard by him. He smiled to himself. But that quickly disappeared as he remembered he still had to answer her question. It wasn't that hard. Did he love and care for her? Absolutely. Frankly, it was absurd for her to ask. If she thought about the time they've known each other and all the things he's done for her, said to her. His problem was that he couldn't formulate the words. Lizzie was right about him the first time they had dinner together in Montreal. He was conflicted by her, she was his weakness, his vulnerability.
"You know I do. How couldn't I?" Red said, his ears tinging pink. "I once told Sam that you were soft, then hard, then soft again," he chuckled. "When you realize that about a person you don't just care for them, that feeling grows and grows until it becomes something that you can't recognize clearly. All you know is that you love that person more than life itself. That's how I feel now." Red finished hoarsely.
She couldn't believe it. Years of trying to decipher his feelings and here he is just laying them all out, fearless yet terrified of her reaction. He had everything and therefore nothing to lose in telling her. She was livid, beyond that. Why? 'Because you can't even accept the fact that you still love Tom, how the hell do you expect to jump into his arms all because he decides to confess his undying love for you?' Okay, her brain needed to calm down. This was ridiculous, she was just staring at him while he looked at the ground and played with his fingers. "Red, how the hell can you just say something like that?" She whispered.
Her use of his nickname now made him inwardly cringe. 'Back to square one…' he thought. "Why are you upset? I answered your question," he said quietly, still staring at the floor.
"Because you can't just profess your love for me like that under these circumstances!" Liz yelled.
"Lizzie that makes no sense. I thought that was what we were doing?" Red replied, confused.
"No! Well yes, but not like that! I needed to know if you love me like, like how I love Ressler. Not like how I used to love Tom," Liz spoke all too fast, she didn't really know what she was saying except that she was mad.
"Don't ever put me and Donald in the same sentence, my love for you supersedes his by every means. And you still love Tom, stop thinking you don't. That's what is really holding you back," he replied coldly.
"I told you I don't love him anymore, not like that," Lizzie yelled.
"Lizzie! Stop lying! Once you truly accept that a part of you will always love him then you can be happy. Really be happy. Believe me I know," Red finished softly.
"How can you possibly know? How can the great Raymond Reddington know what it's like to love someone like that," Lizzie hissed.
"You do know I was married once, had a daughter and a dog? Do you think I didn't love my wife with every fibre of my being? She was my everything and more. Every day I worshipped the ground she walked on, did anything she asked," he said. "It took me five years to get over it. Five years. It wasn't until the prospect of Madeline Pratt that I ever thought of pursuing other interests. But I knew that I couldn't do anything with Maddy while holding onto my wife. Since then things have been a hell of a lot easier." He stopped for a moment, a small smiling playing at his lips as he reminisced. "I still love Carla and I would do anything she needed of me. But I am not in love with her, not for a long time. But trust me Lizzie, it gets easier. You just need to open your eyes. There is no way I would be expressing any romantic notions towards you if I wasn't sure I was ready. The rest is up to you, I said it once and I'll say it again, I can only lead you to the truth, I can't make you believe it."
Liz stared at him, knowing and not knowing what he meant. It was too soon for her, she couldn't differentiate her feelings when it came to Tom. Was she still in love with him? She wasn't sure. How do you even know? 'Just look at Red, learn from him,' her subconscious said. He was staring at her now, holding nothing back. Before he had a vacant look in his eyes but now she could see the green of his eyes so clearly. They were sharp and analyzing her every twitch and shudder. She knew her answer whether her heart caught up to her brain or not. He's in love with her. In the back of her mind she's always known, and for most of their time together she's ignored it vehemently. This wasn't the so called love Tom had for her. This was real. And for once in her life Liz knew exactly what to say.
"I love you too, Ray." Liz whispered.
And for once in his life, he didn't know what to say. Red looked at her, eyes wide and mouth slightly parted. His left eye twitched again and it was if his mind shut down. He couldn't formulate a response.
She smiled.
She smiled at him.
The loveliest smile he had ever seen grace her lips. Her eyes were brighter and suddenly she didn't look so sickly anymore. His little speech worked and all the tension from the past half hour vanished within a second. And just like that the dam broke within him.
He slowly leaned forward, slow enough for her to make her own decision but fast that she didn't have a lot of time to think about it. And when their lips connected he could have sworn that he was electrically shocked. His fingers itched to touch her, his lips suddenly became insatiable. Lizzie was showing no signs of retreat, in fact, she had her hands on his shoulders pulling him closer. And just like that they were laying on the couch, him on top of her. Until she moaned.
Her moan brought him back to his senses as he stopped, still as a statue. His eyes clenched shut as he didn't dare look at her eyes for fear of rejection. Her hands came to rest on his face much like his earlier. "Ray, it's okay. Relax. I'm not rejecting you, I can't help a moan of pleasure now can I?" Liz whispered.
"Lizzie," Red breathed. "Lizzie this isn't right."
"Raymond Todd Reddington you stop that right now," Liz chastised.
Red's face turned into shocked surprise as he opened his eyes for the first time. "What did you call me?"
"Todd, Raymond Todd. It has a nice ring to it. I'm not going to tell you how I know," Lizzie smiled.
"You will, or you will regret it immensely," Red threatened. Lizzie suddenly became nervous, apprehensive of him.
"I hardly think so," she challenged.
"That was a mistake," he grinned as he reached towards her sides to tickle her. Her screams of 'no stop!' and 'I'm sorry, I swear!' only aided in his assault as he tickled her all over. "Tell me who told you," he laughed.
"Dembe! It was Dembe!" She laughed out, tears streaming down her face from laughing so hard.
"That wasn't so hard now was it?" He grinned at her. Mentally plotting on ways to torture his best friend.
"Easy for you to say. Guaranteed you left tickle marks all over me…" she mock glared at him. "But now I know too much so there is no way you can reject me or I you."
Red's smile faded as he remembered what happened only moments ago. "Lizzie, about that. I need time to process and I'm sure you do too. But don't for a second believe that I do not care and love you. I do more than anything."
Lizzie smiled at him, "but you have to go."
"Yes. I need to do this for everyone's safety. I already went through instructions with you. You are to move to the next safe house in the next 3 hours if you have not heard from me. And if you still don't hear from me within the next 24 hours after that, call Dembe. He will know what to do," Red told her pointedly.
"Okay. But you do know that I am not happy about any of this and I will kill you when you get back and if you die, I will desecrate your body," Lizzie threatened.
Red smiled sadly, "as long as it's only you, sweetheart."
They both moved to get off the couch but they didn't get very far before Red attacked her again with kisses all over her face. The next few hours were going to be agonizing. He already knew what he wanted but needed Lizzie to be sure she knew what she was doing and this is what she wanted. Really wanted. Because he wasn't going to share, or go into this half ass.
"Ray you need to stop! You need to get out of here before I keep you forever." Lizzie laughed in between kisses.
"Sweetheart you already have me," he murmured.
"We will talk about this when you get back right? You won't shut me out?" Liz asked nervously.
"Yes and no. I promise, that I can promise," he sighed and stood up from the couch, putting back on his discarded jacket. As Liz stood up and watched Ray compose himself she started smiling. Whether they've talked about it or not, Red was now her man. Forever and always unless he totally screwed up and even then.
"Ray, come back okay?" She whispered to him.
Ray turned to look at her, her eyes were starting to swell over with unshed tears and he couldn't stand to see the sight of them. He stepped forward and held her tightly against him. Murmuring sweet nothings into her ear to reassure her that everything will be alright. Liz grasped him desperately, not wanting to go after their new revelation.
"I love you Lizzie," Red whispered.
"I love you more, Ray," Lizzie whispered back.
"Impossible," and Ray leaned in for one final kiss.