Drunk & Destiny

Neji felt as though the fabric of his universe had been flung about and now he only held its rags. Only days before he had been a ninja with straight-forward missions, unrequited love, and control issues. But at least he'd felt like everything was in order.

But now everything was chaos.

In fact it was so chaotic that he and Tenten had ended up hurting each other without ever meaning to. It was as if the universe, being flung around wildly, had flung them with it and they'd hit each other like branches in a tornado.

He'd stepped so close to Tenten now in his hallway that he could smell her skin.

"Last night was incredibly cathartic. Thank you-"

She kissed him. He didn't even get to apologize again, she wouldn't release his mouth. Her hands came down hard on his chest, pushing him firmly into his bedroom. She held onto him so tight, it felt like she was trying to hold her world together at its seams. He responded in kind; groping her hair, pulling it so he could get better access to her mouth. She moaned and together their hands grasped at clothing items, pulling uncoordinated, until they'd managed to pile them all on the floor. Tenten stepped over the pile and threw herself onto the bed.

Neji was going to crawl over her but Tenten turned onto her stomach. From this position she looked strangely vulnerable and Neji caressed the curve of her lower back. He felt very strong towering above her. He fisted his hands into the sheets as he leaned over her and placed tiny little bites over her back the way she'd done with him last night. He continued from her bottom cheek all the way up to her ear; then he pressed himself against her so she could feel his arousal for her.

"Ready?" he asked. She nodded. He encased her arms with his hands and pulled her up while he pitched his hips forward and entered her. This way the penetration would be very intense for her. There was something about the viscerality of their intercourse that almost pushed Neji over the edge again. Back into feeling angry at how he wouldn't be able to experience this again. It was almost as though he wanted to punish her again. Her moans of pleasure turned into sounds of discomfort but he was in a much better place this time, so he had no trouble noticing it. He slowed his pace and then just pressed into her and stayed there to not cause any more friction.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered. "It's not your fault."

It wasn't her fault he was going to die before he could bring up the courage to tell her how he felt. That this was probably the last act of love he was ever going to show her. And he already ruined it by being so rough. He realized he was still holding her arms back and let go.
"Let me pull out," he offered. It was meant as a warning to brace for the friction of pulling out but her arms used their newly acquired freedom to keep him in place, clutching his sides.

"I'm also mad," she confessed. "But I also need to accept that it's not your fault that you never got up the courage. You couldn't have known you were going to die. And maybe by that time you didn't even feel like that about me anymore."

He didn't know Tenten's Neji, his future self, but he highly doubted that. In fact now he was kind of angry with his future self for letting this go on until it was impossible to act on it.

"Does it feel as though your world is coming apart at the seams too?" Neji asked once he'd followed her command and come closer. She nodded.

All the different contingencies unravelled before Neji's eyes. What would happen if he kissed her again, if he didn't. Would it make things easier for them? Harder?

Basically, there were no answers. She would go back to her time, he'd stay in his and their feelings and timeline would just have to be accepted. There was no sense in being upsrt about things that shouldn't be changed.

A tiny little voice in the back of his brain was mean. It whispered to him to; "to hell with time," it said. But Neji knew that was only chaos and feelings speaking. What if he changed something about the future and it meant Tenten died instead of him? Or someone else he cared about. What if him telling the Tenten in his timeline somehow changed something about the weapon? What if he'd cause a war just by something as simple as following his heart. The truth of it all was that there were so many contingencies, you could never predict what would happen.

Knowing this somehow gave him a bit more peace. He still felt upset, angry, frustrated but he wasn't being swept away by his feelings anymore. His universe didn't feel like it was going to fall apart anymore. It felt like he would live, die, and be ok with everything.

With this knowledge he was able to continue in a much softer manner, holding her close to him and kissing her shoulder and nape of her neck as they moved together, finally in sync. When they came together, Neji rolled to the side and took her with him.

"That was strange," Tenten huffed.

Neji didn't know what she meant exactly. There were so many strange things going on, it was hard to distinguish them. Tenten explained that, while she'd liked the softer moments of their sex, there had been a strange craving of hers for pain and roughness.

Neji was careful in asking this next question. He still felt bad about being too rough sometimes because of the intense feelings involved. But he did think it was important to explore how they both felt about how things had happened between them.

"Did you like it?"

"I'm not sure."

"You didn't?"

"I didn't say that. I think I don't like that I liked it."

"I think I understand," Neji began. "It was cathartic - and I liked that about it - but I don't want to be that guy. The one who likes to hurt you."

"Maybe I needed some hurting."

"I don't really think that's the case. No, if you really enjoyed it, I think I would enjoy it more too."

"I just have these really strong feelings and don't know how to purge them."

"What strong feelings?"

Tenten wouldn't answer. Or maybe she couldn't. Following an impulse Neji continued his line of questioning.

"Tell me, do I die because of you?"

"No. Nothing like that. I just… I just feel crappy for no reason, I guess."

Neji wrapped his arms tighter around her. He wished he was better with emotions, not only for his sake but for hers. He wished he could make both of them feel better. But sometimes there was just nothing to do. All he could do was remind her of some fundamental truths about emotion.

"You don't feel things for no reason. It's just not always a reason that demands action. Maybe you just feel guilty because you're the messenger." After a poignant heartbeat, Neji added with a smile "And I don't shoot messengers."

Tenten chuckled.

"You don't shoot anything. Despite your amazing eyes, you never liked bow and arrow."

"No, I prefer hand-to-hand combat ... or throwing."

"I think you're crying."

Neji wiped his cheek and furrowed his brow. Indeed. This was new.

Tenten stared at his cheek as much as she could from how he kept her cradled in his arms. She didn't comment on it; she just asked:

"So what do you wanna do now?"

"Get drunk. With you."

Tenten was taken aback by his answer. It sounded like he'd had that answer ready to go but it just didn't seem like something he'd want to do.

"What? Why?"

"I've never gotten really drunk and if I'm ever going to do it I want it to be with you. With the you that knows me, completely. So, I can't ruin anything like the stream of time or embarrass my ego or something. I want to feel safe enough to get blackout drunk and not have to worry what I've let spill."

Tenten understood.

"Ok," she agreed. "But under one condition. In the morning I leave for Tsunades and she is going to start trying to send me back."

"So… this'll be our last night."

"Yes."

She just couldn't keep doing this, waking up next to him. It was too painful. It couldn't go deeper than one more night between them or she'd never find her way back home.

Neji got up and disappeared into the den. Still naked, he reappeared, holding a bottle of sake.

"I never drink from this a bottle from my father's birth year. He was supposed to open it on a special occasion, but he never got around to it."

Tenten couldn't be sure but she had an inkling that she drank regularly in her future life. It meant she wasn't afraid of losing control around Neji. The prospect of him sling control was a little daunting though. If she'd thought, he'd been telling her unusual things so far, who knew what drunk Neji would reveal. Some things she just couldn't take hearing.

Once they'd opened the bottle and had a little skirmish about who would pour whose sake, they'd both had a healthy serving.

"Do you believe in predestination?" Neji asked.

"Wow. You're a really philosophical drunk."

"I'm serious. Do you believe in determinism? That all your steps are already laid out for you?"

"I try not to think about such questions, Neji."

"Why?"
"Because they make my head hurt even when I'm not drunk."

She rubbed her temples to emphasize her answer.

"But don't you ever wonder whether you have free will?"

"No. Not really."

"But how can you not?"

"I just choose not to. Which, ironically, might answer your question."

"So, by choosing not to think about whether you have free will you're exerting free will?"

"Sure. Why not? Sounds about as reasonable as anything."

"How do you know that you weren't meant to choose not to think about it?"

Tenten groaned and laid down on the floor of his bedroom, where they were sitting, still naked.

"Why does it matter, Neji? It feels like I chose it freely. Anything beyond that is just out of my epistemological grasp."

"Have you always been this smart?"

"Presumably."

"I would think a time traveller would think about these things more."

"Maybe a more grandiose time-traveller would. But this one is just a kunoichi on a mission."

"You know why I'm asking these questions, don't you?"

Tenten took her time before she dared look him in the eye.

"Yes."

Then he asked what she knew he'd been leading up to.

"Do you think we ever had a chance, Tenten?"

She sighed.

"I actually did think about this a bit. But that was back when you died."

"Yeah? What conclusions did you reach back then?"

"You may not like the answer."

"Try me."

"No, we were never going to end up together. When you died, I reached the difficult conclusion that you were made for that moment. I got to the point where I didn't feel robbed. I mean, look at you, you're all hard muscle and duty. Of course you were going to end that way. It was stupid to think that maybe we'd grow old together. You were never going to grow old. You aren't made for that. Everything that you are was always headed towards that moment. And when I witnessed it, I knew that. I wasn't even surprised. Lee was the one who couldn't stand it. He was out of it. It hit him hard."

Tenten was pensive before she continued. Her fingers absently stroked his bedroom floor as though she were missing her kunai.

"You know, I didn't even say your name when you went. I said Lee's because I figured you were happy. I never would have to worry about you again because you finally found peace. That's why I was so concerned about Lee and not you. But it was still tough. Everyone just kind of assumed I didn't care as much as Lee. But I think… I think I just knew you better."

"I think so too. I think you knew me the best after all."

"Yeah. I guess I did."

"See? I don't even know what you were so worried about this whole time, not knowing your Neji as well as you thought."

"Ok. That's enough teasing now."

Neji had a dangerously soft look in his eyes before he began to say something even more dangerous.

"I lo-"

"Nope. Don't, Neji," she warned.

"Why? Whether you hear it or not, it's the truth. I thought we were done ignoring feelings."

"I just can't stomach what might have slipped through our hands."

"Didn't you just explain to me how that was never going to be meant for me?"

"Yes, that was the old you. The one I understood and knew completely. I made my peace with him and what happened to him. And I guess I understand that you're that same guy after all - sure, you talk a bit more freely with me and you have more feelings than I anticipated, - but you're still the same dutiful guy who's a warrior at heart and deserves to go out in battle. It's just harder to remember if I hear those words from you."

"Then can I at least go with you to Tsunade? To say goodbye?"

"I've said goodbye to you twice already. Three times is asking for a bit much."

Neji didn't respond to that. His speech had gotten slurred and he looked like he might fall asleep soon.

"I-," he began again, drunkenly. Before he could finish she clasped her hands over his mouth. He let himself fall back, so he lay on his bedroom floor too. Tenten cradled herself into his arm. He was so out of it he just continued drifting off into slumber

And in the morning, when he woke up, she was gone.