Yamanaka Ino's Guide to the Walk of Shame
Chapter 1: The Unlikely Encounter
On a beautiful summer morning, Yamanaka Ino could be seen morosely trudging up the steps of the Hokage tower at the pace of a slug. She looked rumpled and dirty, face pale and exuding misery as she reluctantly ascended the stairs and requested a meeting with the Godaime.
The young chuunin was a day late returning from a solo B-rank mission to River Country where a local lord had requested a healer for his daughter. Wanting a break from the gruelling clan training she was undergoing with her dad, Ino had jumped at the chance to get out of the village.
She was sorely regretting everything right now.
"You can go in, Ino-san." The receptionist told her.
Ino couldn't even summon up a weak smile for the man as dread bubbled in her stomach. She was so nervous she felt like hurling.
The Godaime was seated and scribbling away at a form as she entered the missions office, Shizune and several other ninja bustling about the place, scrolls being sorted and placed into appropriate shelves. All in all, it was an ordinary morning in Konoha.
Tsunade glanced up from her paperwork, took one look at Ino, and demanded: "What happened?"
The blonde chuunin tried not to hunch in on herself. "Um, could we please speak privately Tsunade-sama?"
The older woman's stare felt like an arrow through her chest and Ino had to consciously remind herself not to quail beneath her gaze.
"Everyone out." Tsunade barked, and the shinobi who had been working departed the room casting curious glances as they did. Shizune also left with a worried look at the teen, closing the door behind her with a soft click.
There was a long moment as Ino simply stood there, trying to find the words. How did she say this in a way that didn't make her sound like… like the biggest screw-up in history?
The mind reader opened and closed her mouth several times in succession, no sound coming out.
"Yamanaka," the Godaime said sternly but with subtle worry in her tone, "report."
Ino dropped her gaze to her feet, deciding to just come out with it and mumbled incoherently.
"Ihadsxwthchihatachi."
"What?" Tsunade frowned.
Ino looked up, her face pale. "I had sex with Uchiha Itachi." She whispered.
Her words hung heavily in the large room as the Hokage tried to comprehend what she had just heard.
The Godaime looked at her blankly. "Is that a supposed to be a joke?" She asked dubiously. The teenager flung her hands up in the air.
"A joke?" She laughed hysterically.
"I had sex with Uchiha Itachi!" Ino wailed, repeating the damning sentence for the third time.
Tsunade's eyes widened to the size of dinner plates as she realised Ino was a hundred percent, dead serious.
"You had – what!?" She spluttered. "No – why?"
The Yamanaka saw Tsunade's face harden as she scanned her up and down, obviously assuming the worst. Ino didn't look all that roughed up and there were no bruises on her, though since she was a medic that didn't mean anything.
It hadn't been anything like what she was imaging, Ino had been an all-too willing participant. She felt herself heat up just thinking about it.
"Tell me everything." The Hokage demanded.
"Everything?" Ino squeaked, feeling her face turn crimson.
Uncompromising amber eyes bored into hers. "Everything."
Oh gods.
She gulped.
Three days ago, life had been blessedly normal and Ino had left Konoha waving a cheery goodbye to the guards at the gate, taking to the trees as she revelled in the freedom of running through the forests. It was a lovely day and she had made good time to the Land of Rivers, reaching the coast at sunset to an absolutely stunning view of the ocean.
The nobleman's estate had been expecting her arrival, Ino was shown to her patient and she had healed the girl in hardly any time at all.
"It was a bad case of bronchitis, it probably would have cleared up by itself in a couple weeks, but I healed her anyway and she was right as rain in an hour. I stayed the night and left the next morning."
The nobleman and his family had been appreciative and impressed at their daughter's quick recovery, and Ino had enjoyed a night of excellent food and relaxing in the luxury of her room. Unfortunately, her luck deserted her the next day, since by mid-morning a huge storm had rolled in from the ocean.
It came out of nowhere and Ino had summarily been drenched, left scrambling to find refuge in the unfamiliar Land of Rivers. She had run inland as the wind really picked up, chanced upon a small cave and decided to wait out the deluge.
Ino stripped her dripping clothes from her body only to discover the storage scrolls in her pack had also gotten wet and the ink had run. With the seals destroyed, her change of clothing and dry firewood was all out of reach, and Ino had miserably wrung water from her garments and hung them up on a wire.
She would have remained there the entire time, nude, wet and shivering, had a chakra signature not blipped into existence at the edge of her range.
"I thought maybe it was a Hidden Valley shinobi or even someone from Suna or Konoha. And I was feeling miserable enough to beg for some clothes off a random stranger, so I henged myself an outfit and cautiously went to greet them."
The Yamanaka goggled at the sight of a man with black hair plastered to his skull and dark cloak sodden with water. The slashed metal gleamed ominously on his forehead, and red eyes met her own through the downpour.
"He was looking at me a bit strangely, and at the time I was too busy panicking over the fact it was Uchiha freaking Itachi to think deeply about it."
Ino paused, before continuing miserably: "It was only later that I remembered the sharingan can see through the transformation jutsu, and he had probably been wondering why he was suddenly being accosted by this naked lady in the middle of nowhere."
Tsunade stared at her the way one would watch a runaway train – mesmerised and utterly appalled.
Having discovered the incoming stranger was Uchiha Itachi, Ino had done as recommended in all bingo books; she had fled on sight straight back to her cave, only for Itachi to appear in the entranceway moments later.
The Yamanaka had made a weird 'argh-blergh' sound, then started spewing reasons why he shouldn't kill her.
They had ranged from pathetic –
"I'm a nobody really, not worth the effort to kill; it's basically like sharing this cave with an ant-"
- to gruesome –
"-my blood would leave a huge stain, and my corpse would start stinking and the storm could last for days-"
- to self-sabotaging.
"I mean, you could just chuck it out of the cave, or even kill me out there, but – "
Eventually her spiel had wound down when Ino realised she was only digging her grave deeper and shut herself up.
"He had been happy to ignore my rambling and I was like, 'oh thank the gods, I must not be worthy of his attention.'"
She cringed. "That was when Itachi discovered his own storage seals were busted, and we were both stuck there; soaking wet, no firewood, no spare clothes and with the storm howling like crazy."
Ino stood frozen in indecision, eyes flickering between the S-ranked missing-nin inside the cave and the hurricane force gale outside. The kunoichi didn't dare leave the shelter, but she also didn't want to stay.
When lightning crackled and the thunderous crash of a tree falling could be heard nearby, Ino decided that she had been here first, so really, Itachi should be the one to leave.
She wasn't crazy enough to say this aloud, and instead inched further inside, getting out of the spray and wringing her hair out again.
Ino watched the Uchiha unblinkingly as he took off his infamous Akatsuki cloak and strung it over his own clothesline. Then her eyes blew wide as Itachi began to strip and she turned away with a strangled 'eep'.
"Itachi warmed the cave a couple times with a small fireball, and it worked for a few seconds before the heat all escaped. We didn't even have a tarp to string up over the entrance because all our seals were busted and Itachi's cloak wasn't big enough."
Ino's teeth were chattering even though she was burning chakra like crazy to keep warm, crouched in a ball and arms wrapped around herself.
"Yamanaka." Itachi said, and she flinched in shock at hearing her name spoken in his deep voice. "It would be logical to share body heat until the storm passes."
"And well, he wasn't wrong, and sharing body heat was a much better reason for him keeping me alive than I had come up with, so I agreed."
The blonde awkwardly sat next to the Uchiha, scooting closer so their arms were barely brushing together. Her teeth chattered louder.
Ino stifled a gasp as warm hands wrapped around her waist, strong arms lifting her up and Itachi dropped her into his lap. Her back met his chest, and she sunk into his heat even as her mind rebelled at the action. She sat stiffly for several long moments before forcibly relaxing her body into his embrace.
She scooped her wet hair over her shoulder so it hung down her front, not wanting to annoy Itachi if it dripped on him. Of course, that meant her neck was entirely exposed, and the kunoichi supressed a shiver that had nothing to do with the cold when she felt Itachi's breath on her bare skin.
"I had resolved to be the best heater I could possibly be, doing absolutely nothing to piss Itachi off. That's… not what happened."
There was a sharp rock under Ino's bare butt, and she desperately wanted to get rid of it but didn't dare make too many movements. She shifted minutely several times, trying to dislodge the stone, before the arms around her waist involuntarily tightened and Ino suddenly realised something else was poking her now.
She gulped, the sound echoing in the small cave.
"You should stop moving."
His voice rumbled in her ear, deep and husky, and Ino involuntarily clenched her thighs together. Itachi noticed.
"Sorry!" She squeaked. "There's something poking me, I mean – there's a rock digging into me!"
If it was possible to die from embarrassment, Ino would have dropped dead right then and there.
"So I tossed the stone away, but then there was nothing to distract me from the other thing poking me, and it was - I mean, the sexual tension was stifling."
Unfettered truth spewed from her lips, uncensored and - from the look on Tsunade's horrified face - entirely unwanted.
Ino reached down and grabbed the offending rock, tossing it away where it clattered against the stone walls. In her haste, she sat directly on top of the other hard object beneath her, and the man behind her let out an involuntary sound and jerked, causing Ino to gasp.
She wasn't sure who had initiated it, or if they had both lost all sense and reason at the same time, but in mere moments Ino was wet in an entirely different way, squirming in his hold as Itachi ground into her.
"Then one thing led to another, and it was from zero to a hundred in a split second." Ino was rambling now, but she just couldn't stop.
Ino couldn't stop her hips from bucking wildly, meeting Itachi's thrusts as he took her roughly against the wall. The Uchiha panted in her ear and Ino arched her spine to take him deeper, both gasping as he thrust in again and she choked down on a cry of pleasure –
"I don't know what came over us, we were like anima – I mean-" The teen bit her tongue, flushing furiously.
Ino didn't dare lift her gaze from the floorboards.
"It was intense." She finished, before barrelling relentlessly onwards. The sooner she covered everything, the sooner this would end.
"But the second time was a lot more...thorough. He – uh, took his time with me, you know?"
Itachi's handsome face hovered over her, flushed pink with exertion as he gazed down at Ino beneath the long lashes that lined his eyes. Her heart beat a staccato rhythm in her chest, and she watched him in turn as his jaw clenched when he sheathed himself between her legs. His lean, sculpted muscles and rock-hard abs rippled as he withdrew, only to slide torturously slowly back in.
"Anyway -" Ino coughed, cherry-red and unable to meet Tsunade's heavy, disbelieving stare, "I fell asleep afterwards, and like, I know that was beyond stupid, but we – he – I mean, I couldn't stay awake after that."
She snuck a cringing glance at Tsunade's face, which told the Yamanaka that her words had been correctly interpreted as Itachi fucking Ino into unconsciousness. That was exactly what had happened, and gods it had been amazing –
Ino stamped down on her thoughts.
"Right." The Hokage said, her voice strained. She cleared her throat. "Go on."
"So, um, it was really awkward when I woke up; he was sitting there looking at me, and I just knew he was debating whether to kill me or not. Then for some reason I remembered that the sharingan memorises everything it sees, and he'd had it on the whole time, so us having sex was totally imprinted into his mind."
Ino was panicking. She was spread out, nude and dishevelled, Uchiha Itachi right beside to her, equally as naked. His sharingan eyes were staring at her, and oh gods, he would remember this for the rest of his life.
"And that reminded me I had been drenched by the storm and probably looked a mess, and I really didn't want that to be the last memory anyone would have of me, you know?"
Her nonsensical rambling was like a gushing dam, pouring out without anything to stop it.
Was this how she died? Would someone find her thoroughly debauched corpse and think the worst had happened to her? She didn't want to go like this!
"So – there I was, butt naked in a cave with Uchiha Itachi and about to die – and, well, I think I just went crazy." Ino flapped her hands hysterically.
"I thought that since I had already screwed up – in the most literal way imaginable – then I might as well go out with a bang."
She paused, looking abashed.
"So I fucked him again."
One of the ANBU in the rafters choked. Tsunade gaped at her.
Ino belatedly realised her unintentional double entendre – she really did go out with a 'bang' – and decided to hurry things along before anyone else caught on and thought she wasn't taking this seriously.
"Plus, I was hoping he wouldn't kill me if he was in a good mood, so, uh it was the only logical option really."
The Yamanaka's eyes skittered away again, and she focused on the stacks of paper on the desk.
"What did Itachi do?" The Senju asked, voice ripe with morbid fascination as if she really did and didn't want to know.
"Ah," the teenager shuffled her feet in embarrassment, "well, he was kinda surprised when I just crawled into his lap-"
The ANBU on the left made a strangled sound.
"-and started grinding against him-"
The other guard to the right released a high-pitched squeak that Ino ordinarily would have found funny.
"-but he wasn't complaining. The opposite, more like."
Ino rolled her hips and felt the Uchiha harden beneath her as she continued to rub herself against him. She carded fingers through his hair, running her nails gently across his scalp and causing him to shiver.
The kunoichi kissed him, kissed Itachi like she had never kissed anyone before; with a passion so intense she felt like she would be set ablaze.
If this was to be her last moments, Ino wanted them to be as bold and brilliant as she herself was. She wanted Itachi to know how alive she was, how much spirit she contained within her small body. How much he would be depriving the world of if he got rid of her.
When Ino finally pulled back, panting and gasping for air, her eyes fluttered open to meet a heated, molten gaze that scorched her to her bones.
Silence lay heavy in the room as Tsunade searched within herself for sanity, and Ino tried for composure. Neither fully succeeded, and the older blonde squeezed her eyes shut while pinching the bridge of her nose.
"Right, so after you two had sex – again – how did you get away?"
The chuunin nervously smoothed the wrinkles of her skirt.
"By then the storm had passed so we could leave the cave. And I'm still thinking I really didn't want to die, but what could I do to convince him to let me go?
"I wasn't going to give him any information of course, or any Yamanaka techniques, and I didn't know if he cared about any of that even if I was willing to give it to him in the first place. But I did know one thing he wanted, so I –"
Ino covered her steaming face with both hands, her next words coming out as a muffled squeak.
"I gave him a blowjob like my life depended on it."
It took her a long time to muster up the courage to peak through the gaps between her fingers. Tsunade's jaw was hanging open unattractively, and Ino pinched her fingers closed again, squeezing her eyes shut in abject mortification.
"So – you what? You jacked him off and he just let you go!?" Tsunade demanded incredulously.
Oh my god, did she have to put it like that?
"Um, well." The Yamanaka had reached a level of red not even Hinata had achieved before.
"He was in that floaty place after sex; you know, the languid, comfortable feeling where you don't really want to do anything but lie there."
She traced kisses down sweat-slicked skin, across the dense muscles of his chest and abs, all of which tensed as Ino took him in her mouth. For as long as she lived, Ino would never forget the quiet, desperate sound she'd wrung from him as she curiously licked his member.
As well as the expression of satisfied, indolent pleasure Itachi had worn afterwards, gazing at her with those gorgeous, half-lidded red eyes.
Ino shifted uncomfortably, trying not to squeeze her thighs together.
"And – well, I don't mean to brag or anything, but it was really good sex. Like, mind-blowingly good. And I've never given anyone a blowjob before, but Itachi really seemed to like it."
The ANBU weren't even attempting to be stealthy anymore; one sounded like he'd expired on the spot, and the other - who Ino was sure was Genma - started hacking like he'd just swallowed his senbon.
Ino looked determinedly at Tsunade, ignoring their audience as she doggedly concluded the most humiliating mission debrief she'd ever participated in.
"So before the endorphins faded and he came back to his senses, I told him the sex had been great, grabbed my clothes, then booked it straight back to Konoha."
Ino snatched up her purple clothing and mesh in one hand, her other snagging her sandals. Itachi watched her from the cave floor, naked as the day he was born and lounging like a satisfied cat. Except he was far too deadly to be a cat, more like a panther.
Ino swallowed her saliva as she took in the sight of him, all rumpled and looking thoroughly tumbled, his body a prime example of shinobi fitness. He was all sinewy muscle and languid grace, and the intensity of his stare made Ino very aware she was still naked.
"So, this was – amazing." Ino blurted, face instantly flaming at her own honesty. "But, um, I've got to go. So, uh, see you around?"
Abandoning her mission pack and ruined storage scrolls, she edged towards the cave exit. Itachi remained where he lay, and Ino decided to book it out of there before he changed his mind.
Running faster than she ever had before, Ino mentally screamed at herself.
'See you around!?'
It had been the most surreal moment of her life; naked and sprinting like a madwoman through River Country, pulling on items of clothing as she ran for the hills.
Ino felt that the academy had not adequately prepared her for this situation.
The Hokage's office was silent for a full minute as the Godaime simply stared at her in dumbstruck, disbelieving awe. Ino stood there, awaiting Tsunade's inevitable eruption, recrimination, or even a blistering punch.
Instead, Tsunade snorted.
Then she chuckled, before throwing her head back and dissolving into rib-cracking howls of laughter.
Ino stared at her with wide eyes.
The legendary kunoichi laughed so hard and for such a long time that Ino was surprised someone hadn't busted down the door to find out what on earth was going on.
Tsunade was reduced to wheezing before her mirth faded, and just looking back at Ino's deer-in-the-headlights face set her off again. The Hokage took several long moments to compose herself before clearing her throat. Ino braced for the worst.
"Are you sure it was Uchiha Itachi?"
The Yamanaka blinked. That - was not what she had been expecting.
"Um… I'm pretty sure. Can a shinobi hold a henge up during an orgasm?"
Tsunade smirked. "I can."
Ino blushed. "Right, so it could have been someone else." She said doubtfully.
Why would anyone want to impersonate Uchiha Itachi when in the middle of nowhere? And then proceed to have sex with a stranger while doing so?
"I saw his scars though, there was one from an old injury, I think he must have gotten it as a kid. Did Itachi ever break his left ankle?"
Tsunade snapped her fingers.
"Sparrow. Get me Uchiha's file."
The two kunoichi (plus the other poor ANBU trapped with them in the room) awkwardly waited for him to return. Well, Ino shuffled and twitched uncomfortably while Tsunade broke out into random giggles every few minutes, setting the younger kunoichi's face ablaze each time.
When Sparrow – and that was definitely Genma, oh gods – returned, Ino was about ready to throw in the towel and just run home to never emerge again.
The Hokage flipped through the thick folder to the pale pink sheets of paper that designated them as hospital reports, and she scanned it with practiced ease. Ino awaited her verdict, feeling like a criminal on trial before an inscrutable judge.
"Well, what do you know." Tsunade mused leaning back in her chair and tapping at a line. "Broke his left ankle when he was eight, good catch Yamanaka."
The likelihood of someone with that knowledge and chakra control good enough to hold a henge during sex, who then bothered to transform into Itachi only to put himself in the situation where Ino would see – it was so unlikely it was impossible.
Which of course meant…
Tsunade looked far too amused as she glanced back up.
"Congratulations Ino. You really did fuck Uchiha Itachi. Many times, apparently."
…what does one say to that? Thank you?
The sheer enormity of what she had done – of who she had done – suddenly hit her. The sense of surrealness she'd been operating under vanished, leaving horrible awareness in its wake.
Oh my god, she'd had filthy, amazing sex with Uchiha Itachi in a cave.
Ino sunk to the floor as her knees gave out.
"I'm so dead!" She wailed, clutching at her blonde hair.
Her mentor in medical ninjutsu just laughed unsympathetically.
"Actually, you're alive. You're totally fucked, of course, but thanks to that you're alive."
Ino glared at her, tears swimming in her eyes.
"Calm down, Ino." Tsunade said soothingly as she got up from her desk and made her way to the chuunin. She easily lifted Ino up off the floor and sat her on the couch to the side of the office.
"The odds of you bumping into Itachi again are so astronomically low, it might as well be zero. And you're a sensor; you can just run away if you feel his chakra nearby."
"Right." Ino nodded, trying to push away her emotional response to think logically. "Right, that makes sense."
There was no way Itachi would bother to hunt her down just because they'd had sex, Ino hadn't wronged him in any way (in fact, she would even say it was the opposite), and he was probably far too busy doing whatever it was S-class missing-nin in Akatsuki did. You know, mercenary work, hunting jinchuuriki, being evil and terrifying and sexy –
Ino wrenched her thoughts back on topic.
Tsunade was right, the chances of them having anything to do with one another again were practically non-existent.
Her shoulders sagged like the weight of the world had been lifted, and Ino slumped into the sofa.
"Besides," the Yamanaka glanced up to see an absolutely wicked look grace the older kunoichi's face.
"You can always distract him again if you need to."
Tsunade leered at her and Ino groaned in humiliation as she buried her face in her arms. This – this was the woman who had been on a team with Jiraiya.
The only comfort this thought gave her was that Tsunade had probably heard a lot worse from her old teammate. If Ino had outdone even the infamous Toad Sage in the most compromising screw-up in history (most compromising screw), then there was truly no hope for her.
Still, Ino barely registered the embarrassment because she was too busy feeling relieved the Hokage wasn't angry with her. Though to be fair, she had come out loads better than the last Konoha-nin who'd tangled with Uchiha Itachi.
"Write up two mission reports and hand the real one straight to me. The other should have you in the cave alone, file that through the usual channels. It doesn't need to be said that your… encounter with Itachi is classified."
"Okay." Ino agreed. "You got it Tsunade-sama."
Feeling a hundred times better than she had before her debriefing and utterly grateful it was over, the teen stood to leave. She just wanted a bubble bath, her bed, and to not think about anything, especially Uchiha Itachi, for the next twelve hours.
"And Ino –"
The Yamanaka turned back, blinking at the sudden cheery tone.
"Don't forget to include all the juicy details." Tsunade waggled her eyebrows scandalously. "Intel will need them."
Comprehension dawned on Ino in that moment; the horrified realisation that she would have to transcribe every single interaction she'd shared with Itachi onto paper.
Every desperate touch, every filthy sound, every lustful stare – for the Hokage, the other higher-ups, and the most trusted officers in the Intelligence Division to read. For them to comb over, analyse and discuss in order to update Itachi's psyche profile.
A strangled noise escaped her throat, and Ino fled from the office with the sound of Tsunade's roaring laughter ringing in her ears.
Yes, this is the classic 'caught in a cave and has to share body heat' scenario that I caved (hah!) and wrote. This is the low budget scene all authors use when they can't think up a good reason for two opposing characters to come together in a non-violent setting.
-Why didn't Ino or Itachi use waterproof bags for their storage scrolls, one might ask?
That's because we don't allow such piddling things like logic to impede the creative process, though you can bet they've learned their lesson now.
Plot holes aside, this was my first foray into writing smut and oh my god, how do other writers cope? My face was so red the whole time, I couldn't even sit in my favourite café because then people would know exactly what I was doing.
I actually have two more chapters planned out, my brain just doesn't stop, so I'll definitely be continuing at some point.
Thanks for reading~
Blackbird0
This story is part of my Ultimate Guide to Surviving Shinobi Life series. If you liked this one, please check out the others:
Uchiha Madara's Guide to Defending Your Chastity
Haruno Sakura's Guide to Keeping Your Sanity
Uchiha Itachi's Guide to Saving the World