This story idea was just too good to pass up, I swear my next update will be for Team IGNS. This is my attempt at a harem comedy, and I honestly have no idea how I'm going to do. I'm not very used to writing comedy, despite loving it myself. Hopefully this is a good learning experience, and if you like it then please let me know in the reviews. If you have suggestions, put those in the reviews too. Anything really, just something that's on your mind after reading this chapter even if it has nothing to do with the story itself, feel free to talk about it in the reviews.

Without further ado, enjoy!

Seduce that God!

Salem was, ironically, the closest being on Remnant to being called a God, as much as she despised that title. There were none who could come close to her in power, and even if they were able to best her — which was impossible, even if they somehow got through the Grimm lands — she would simply come back again and again. Her magic ensured superiority in a world ruled by cheap imitations which could barely hold off her Grimm if she so chose to command her army to attack human civilization.

So then why hadn't she done so already and simply attacked with a horde so large, even the mightiest countries would eventually fall? Who would stop her, Ozma? As if, that fool barely had enough power to fend off a single Grimm dragon. Without his magic, he was as powerless as any other hunter in front of her.

No, there was another individual which she was scared of, one she hadn't seen in more than a thousand years, before even the current civilization had written records. It was after her first and last attempt at wiping out the human race. Oh yes, she had tried before, in fact, and it felt almost like yesterday that her plans were so close to completion.

Then, he appeared. Not Ozma, he had already fallen in the battle preceding and was still gathering his strength in a fresh body, a newborn baby.

It was another man, standing on an elevated plane before the final bastion of human life. She remembered clearly his wild hair, like fire catching in the wind as he stood in front of her disapprovingly, like she was just a child who had been caught lying rather than an evil witch almost succeeding in the total extinction of humanity.

She remembered his muscled form and rigid posture, ready to pounce on any weakness of hers. And she knew there were countless openings, powerful as she was, it was nothing before his piercing blue eyes. It was like she was standing in front of the twin Gods all over again, only this time she didn't even attempt to fight back.

That single look had put her and her mad spree to an end immediately. She left quickly, leaving the ruins of countless cities behind her as she rushed to the Grimm lands. She hid for the next few millennia, waiting his presence out, hoping that he might disappear. During this time, humanity did what it does best and survived. Slowly but surely, a new civilization rose from the dust of its former self, and created the groundwork of the modern world.

All during this time, Salem remained in her tower. Even now, she was unsure where that man had come from — could he even be called a man with the power he seemed to wield — and whether he would show his face once again. She didn't bother risking it. Now, she was more strategic, methodical in her approach. Slowly whittling away at the strength of Ozma's kingdoms with Grimm while her subordinates incited discord and violence amongst the weak humans. It seemed to be working, and she was sure that in a few years at the most her plans would finally come to fruition, and that this time they would be more subtle as to not alert the strange being who had threatened her last time. The past century had very few implications, and so Salem could only hope that it would be the same for at least two more years.

She felt a sudden shudder. She really shouldn't have jinxed herself like that.

Deep underneath the Earth, a low grumbling shook the caverns with pure force. Then, in the darkness, two bright blue eyes opened, lighting up the area around him with his chakra. He looked around and noticed where he was.

"Huh, I don't remember falling asleep in a cave..." He muttered, seemingly to himself.

But another voice, much deeper, came through into his mind with a snort, 'It wouldn't surprise me if you were asleep for so long that the landscape simply changed around you.'

"Hey! I make sure that I at least get some exercise every couple thousand years of hibernation, there was probably just an avalanche or something..."

'Whatever, let's just go to the surface already and make sure nothing is wrong. Since you woke up, there's probably a serious threat to humanity now.' The low voice boomed out, sounding like it was licking its lips in anticipation.

Then, the grumbling returned louder than before, once again shaking the caverns with its mighty force. A distinct facepalm could be heard within Naruto's mind.

'Really?'

"Hey, I get hungry sometimes!" The blonde haired man defended himself quickly.

'You're immortal for crying out loud, you don't even need food.' The voice pointed out.

"That doesn't mean I can't enjoy it, you're just mad cause you can't taste anything even if you wanted to. Maybe that's why you were grumpy for so long, huh? Couldn't experience the joys of food like-"

'Don't you dare finish that Naruto. I know where this is going. Let's just hurry up and go eat so we can go back to sleeping until the next time those idiots on the surface need us.' The voice seemed bored now, since there was no apparent threat other than his host's stomach.

"Come on old buddy, I'm sure there's something interesting to do in the meantime. And don't call them idiots, that's rude." Naruto chastised.

'Whatever, good enough that I don't eat them for their stupidity in trying to go against the literal Gods of this world.'

"Uhh, didn't we kinda do that in our own world, Kurama?" Naruto sheepishly asked.

Kurama took a while to respond, but when he did it was almost soft in comparison to his previous comments, 'Huh, it's been so long I've almost forgotten…'

The mood quickly became somber until Naruto jumped on his feet and declared, "Alright, that's it! We're gonna go get some ramen-"

He ignored Kurama's groan of disappointment.

'-then we're gonna go find something to do and have fun! We're gonna start our lives again, do something worthwhile, ya know? We can't just sleep forever.'

'But we can try.' Kurama's response was half-hearted. Deep inside, he agreed that they needed to do something else he might go insane. It was probably worse for Naruto, the last chance he had gotten at actually fighting had ended with their opponent running away in fear. Bah, some God she was.

So with their unspoken agreement, Naruto got ready to leave. There was only one problem.

"So... how are we supposed to get out?" They were still trapped, who knows how deep underground.

'You could always just force yourself out, but that'll probably cause the entire area around us to fall as well.'

"Hmm, let's see here." Naruto stood still for half a second before his eyes turned into its familiar toad-like pattern.

"Doesn't look like there's any humans in our radius. Hold on tight Kurama, we're going for a ride!"

'Wait a minute, you haven't told me a-'

Naruto rocketed up into the roof of the cave, smashing through the rocks with ease as he made his way up into the crust of Remnant. Before he knew it, he was on the surface in the middle of a forest, the ground behind him completely caved in over a hundred meters deep in a large radius.

'Naruto!'

"Yeah yeah, I won't do that without telling you again, but it was fun, wasn't it?"

'Not that you idiot, there's something huge coming our direction, fast!'

"Wha-" Naruto stopped himself as he sensed an extremely long and heavy object moving towards them, and at the front were... humans? They were going in a linear trajectory, and at this rate would reach the hole behind them.

Naruto looked closely at the space he had destroyed, and noticed the ruined remains of metal tracks leading into the crevice. It was still in early development when he had left his previous world, but he remembered the initial idea. He had almost been run over by one, after all.

"Shit!"

Naruto ran over to the large train in a fraction of a second and got on top of it. It wasn't slowing down at all. They probably didn't even know that they were about to crash into a giant hole. He quickly estimated the time before the two would meet. It was less than 15 seconds. He wouldn't be able to slow down the train in time without causing severe damage himself.

'Just forget the train, rescue the humans inside, you idiot!' Kurama basically yelled at him. In the back of his mind, Naruto thought about how nice it was for him to care, but there were bigger problems currently.

"Got it!" He cut off the connecting piece of the front car where all the people were from the rest of the train. Activating his saga path chakra. He floated in front of the train, and lifted the car up and over, making sure to keep speed with the rest of the train throughout the whole process so it wouldn't crash into the front where everyone was situated.

He could already hear the panicked shouts from his sudden appearance over the grinding and clashing of steel. The shouts doubled when they were lifted up and then set down on the side of the tracks as the train's inertia carried it closer to the hole he had created, where it was bound to crash. He let out a sigh of relief, at least he had saved everyone before a tragedy could occur.

'Naruto…' Kurama's warning voice caused Naruto's eyes to snap up while activating sage mode again. His eyes drifted to the back of the train, then he cursed.

He flew faster than even before and grabbed onto the girl's hand, dragging her with him at speeds he would normally be worried that she wouldn't be able to handle. But when it came down to injury versus her life, Naruto hoped she wouldn't resent him too much for hurting her a little. Even if he had made it a necessity in the first place.

And it wasn't a second too late, since right as he covered her body with his chakra, the train behind him crashed, causing an explosion which surpassed even his expectations. Hundreds of kilograms worth of dust all fed into a chain reaction which was able to even scorch his skin and leave small burns where his chakra was thin from covering the girl he had in his arms.

"Kurama! You got me?"

'Yeah!'

Almost instantly, flaming red chakra came out to cover the thin spots and protect Naruto, healing the burns in the process. The magma like flames continued to cover his entire field of vision, making him wonder if this was what hell looks like. After what seemed like an eternity, the eruption finally ceased its destruction, leaving a flaming ground in its wake.

Naruto descended from the air groaning, "Damn, I'm rusty. What the hell was even in that train anyways? Feel like I just went up against Deidara only a hundred times more artfully…"

He looked over and confirmed that the train car full of passengers he had saved earlier were okay. It seemed like they had escaped the fury of his little mistake. In fact, it seemed as if the entire force of the explosion had been directed towards him and the girl he was carrying.

He looked down to make sure she was okay then stopped at her bow which had come loose on top of her head.

"Kurama, are those cat ears?"

She chose that moment to wake up.

"AHHH!" She flailed in his arms, panicking as she realized she was being held by a mysterious man in flames.

Kurama wisely chose to remove the chakra cloak.

"It's okay, you're okay. See? I'm a perfectly normal human!"

At that, she seemed to hiss at him, almost like a cat. Was she really a cat…?

"Let me go!" She hit his chest, making him almost lose his grip.

"Woah woah, calm down! The ground is still burning up, so unless you have some resistance to lava, I wouldn't recommend wanting to go down there…"

She looked confused at Naruto, "Down there? What do you mean down the-"

It seemed that she had finally realized that they were floating in the air. She saw the ground, still a bright red which might've been beautiful if it weren't so dangerous. It was a wasteland of fire, where nothing could be seen but destruction and ash. A leaf came close to the ground, and was instantly vaporized before it could even touch the forest floor.

"AHHH! DON'T LET GO, DON'T LET GO!" She buried her head into Naruto's shoulder, scared to look at the ground below her.

Kurama just sighed, 'Women… always so confusing.'

"I don't know if this is the right scenario to say that, Kurama…" Naruto gave a sheepish laugh.

"Who are you talking to?" The girl looked at him suspiciously with amber eyes. Seriously, that can't be a normal eye color. Was she an actual cat?

"Are you actually a cat?" Oops, he said that out loud. And judging by the change in her expression, she wasn't too happy about his question.

"If you're going to discriminate against me, you might as well just drop me to my death."

"Woah, I didn't mean to offend you! I've just never seen anyone with cat ears, that's all." He almost raised his hands defensively before he realized that he would drop her in the process.

"So… are these ears real?" She looked shocked at his question.

"You… are you an idiot?"

Now was his turn to be offended, "Hey! How am I supposed to know? If they're not real, you did a really good job with them. They move and everything!"

"Of course they're real! Have you never met a faunus in your life?" She shouted angrily at him. If he was making fun of her…

"Faunus? What's that?"

He was being serious, wasn't he. Judging from the stupid expression on his face, he was one hundred percent serious.

"Hey, why aren't you saying anything? Stop looking at me like I'm an idiot, I'm not!" Naruto cried out.

'Kurama, what do I do? What in the world has happened since I last woke up?' Thankfully Naruto had communicated in his mind this time, it wouldn't do him any favors to make her think he was insane as well as stupid.

'Let's get out of here first, we have no idea who might be coming after us after that little explosion.'

'I wouldn't exactly call that explosion small, but you're right. I'm taking the girl with us, then we'll be able to find out everything that's happened since I've been gone. Oh, and maybe she'll know where I can get some ramen too, it's been ages since my last bowl… literally.' Naruto could hear his stomach screaming out to him, to feed it something, anything (preferably ramen).

"Hey, you don't happen to know any good ramen place around here, do you?"

"Wha-?"

He grinned at her dumbfounded expression, "Hang on tight, we're getting out of here."

Not a second later they were soaring over Forever Fall, the beautiful scenery underneath them a stark contrast to the dark cave Naruto was in before. It could've been a scene from a movie, if it weren't for the screams.

"AHHH!"

"Hey, hey! I promised I won't drop you, just trust me!"

"AHHHHH!"

Kurama sighed. This was going to be a long ride.

Funnily enough, Kurama had been right. The incident had drawn attention, far more than the bijuu had even expected. That train had been Schnee property, and the damage the crash caused was enough to classify it as a natural disaster, only there wasn't anything natural about it. Word spread quickly about the disaster which took out a large portion of the northern forest of Vale. The Schnee Dust Company were furious with the loss of dust and the destruction of not only their routes but the actual train as well. It was a miracle that the crew was unharmed, which had initially drawn suspicion to the employees. But they had no motivation, and their testimonies had opened up an entirely new investigation.

A man had saved them, lifting the entire front car of the train and bringing it into safety. Completely ignoring the fact that the man had somehow been able to fly, he had also had the strength and speed to ensure that no one had been injured. It sounded completely absurd, and so the information wasn't spread to outsiders.

As far as the average citizen knew, this was a deliberate sabotage by the White Fang, who hadn't yet commented on the issue. Most evidence had been destroyed by the crash — not much survived a dust explosion reaching temperatures hotter than the surface of the sun after all — but all remaining signs pointed to a fight immediately before the crash, and the White Fang were the ones with the most motivation and prior history of such action that it seemed almost obvious that they were the culprits.

The disaster had affected companies and citizens alike, causing the economy to suffer significantly. The backlash against the White Fang was huge, fueled by rumours about a rogue cell which had planned such an attack for a long time.

But the truth was still uncertain, and so various factions all made their moves at once, sending out their best agents in order to find out the truth behind what had happened.

"Neo!" Roman called out, almost angrily.

A short girl wielding a pink parasol skipped her way over to her boss with a smile on her face, wondering what had gotten him so angry this time.

He was pacing, twirling his cane as he spoke, "This crash has disrupted business far too much for my liking. My profits are down almost 20 percent! I've heard the rumours, and I want you to find out if they're true. If so, we might need to cut ties with the White Fang. After all, the rogue cell which people keep calling out is the one we're most closely connected to."

Neo just listened and nodded along happily, and when he finished she gave him a murderous look which would have scared trained men twice her age and height.

Roman saw the look and just smiled back, far too used to her tendencies, "I've said it once, and I'll say it again, Neo. Great minds think alike. When you find the guy or gal responsible, don't hesitate to ensure that they don't ever mess with us again. Got it?"

Neo gained an almost devilish smile and turned around, walking out the door with a skip in her step, this time a little more pronounced.

"Specialist Schnee!"

"Yes, General Ironwood!" Winter Schnee stepped forward in her brand new white and blue combat uniform, her trademark pose in full display with arms behind her back and chest puffed out.

"I have a special mission for you. Are you willing to accept? I must warn you that this is an extremely confidential matter, and that once you are briefed on the situation you may not speak about it to anyone other than me over secure channels. The level of strictness is something that most people would not be able to handle," Ironwood warned.

Winter only puffed her chest out further, proud that she had been chosen for such a task, "With all due respect General, I am not 'most people'. I can handle it, no matter the mission."

Ironwood nodded his head in approval, "Very well. Let us begin the briefing."

"For the last time Ilia, I wasn't the one to blow up that train. So stop holding onto me like a lost puppy!" Adam shouted at her, pulling her off his leg. He was honestly worried for a second that she might've started humping it.

"Then if you didn't, who did? And why hasn't Sienna said anything about it yet?" Ilia asked innocently. She had that glazed look in her eye again, the one only idiots have when they didn't understand what was going on. To be fair, he didn't understand what had happened either. It wasn't like Blake had done it, that much was for sure.

"So where's Blake, anyways?" Ilia tilted her head at him questioningly.

Adam growled in annoyance, reminded once again of her betrayal.

"Don't know, don't care. For all I know she died in that explosion." It was a serious possibility. She hadn't exactly been accounted for amongst the crew members, and last he saw her was on the train, right before the crash.

Ilia gasped in shock, "Adam! How could you say such a thing! We need to find her and help her!"

And this was why Adam hated idiots. They just didn't know how to take a hint sometimes.

"Look, if you want to find Blake that badly, find out who did this first. It's been getting on my nerves and the information could be important. So make yourself useful and go find that out or… something." Adam waved her away then went to go vent. He couldn't deal with this shit anymore.

He completely missed Ilia, who had a look of amazement on her face. "W-Wow… Adam is actually trusting me with this! I-I can't let him down."

With newfound determination, Ilia Amitola swore that she would find out who had done this, and if they had hurt her Blake (N-Not that Blake was hers or a-anything!), there would be hell to pay.

"Ozpin, this is a serious matter!"

"Glynda, throughout my years, events like this have happened all the time. This is no different." Ozpin waved off her concerns.

She huffed, crossing her arms in front of her chest. "If you truly feel that way, then I will investigate whoever is behind this issue personally."

Ozpin took a sip of his coffee and set his cup down on his table. "My dear Glynda, I'm not sure if you've forgotten, but initiation starts extremely soon, and you have a vital role to play as the deputy headmistress and as a teacher."

Glynda refused to back down, however, and poked Ozpin in his chest, glaring at him. "And I'm not sure if you've forgotten, but as far as we know this was an attack on Schnee property, and we just so happen to have the Schnee heir attending this year. As teachers, it is our utmost first responsibility to care for the safety of our students."

Ozpin sighed in admittance, "Be that as it might, we cannot spare any teachers nor hunters as it is. The attacks have gotten worse and we simply cannot spare any more power."

"But even so!"

Ozpin raised his hand in compromise, "So I will allow you to have a single team from the older years take this on as their own mission."

Glynda relaxed, thankful for at least this much. "So? I'm guessing you have a team in mind for this particular task? They need to be skilled in escorting, as insurance for the Schnee heir."

Ozpin rummaged around in his desk before pulling out a manilla folder. "In that case, how about them?"

He handed her the folder and let her read over it. After a while, his second in command hummed in agreement.

"They're a strong team for sure, but I'm a little worried about the girl, not the leader. Do you really think she'd be suited for this particular task?" Glynda asked worriedly.

Ozpin shook his head and chuckled, "You are a fantastic teacher, Glynda, but you still have much to learn about trusting in the next generation. They are, after all, our future."

Glynda just sighed and decided to not argue with him any further. It was impossible to change his mind on anything once he got into his 'next generation' spiel. Better to just let it pass.

"Then is that all for now, Glynda?"

"Ah, one last thing. There has been some delays in travel recently due to the incident, and it seems as though there are a few candidates which may no longer be able to make it in time for the current application deadline."

"Hmm, that's fine. We can extend the deadline, is that all?"

"No sir, I'll take my leave now." Glynda bowed and left the room, leaving Ozpin alone to his thoughts. When she was gone, he slumped down into his chair and sighed.

'I'm so exhausted.' Ozpin said in his mind.

'Listen, all I'm saying is that you should try and ask her out at least once, it'll be good for the both of you,' Ozma tried.

Ozpin groaned in annoyance, 'It's not that simple Ozma, and I'm pretty sure the last thing that will help her is being asked out by her boss.'

'Well if it were me…' Ozma stated suggestively.

Ozpin rolled his eyes, 'And tell me how your last romantic endeavor went?'

Ozma stayed silent for a while, until, 'At least I got laid.'

Ozpin just groaned.

Raven looked at her map of Remnant, trying to stare a hole into it. The tribe had been relatively successful recently, and all the new members had finally adjusted, giving her more time to herself.

Few knew what she did in her free time other than train, but if it wasn't physical training it was usually mental training. Or more specifically, planning. A new incident had occurred recently, and her first thought was to check whether or not it was the work of either Ozpin or Salem.

A blatant move like this was sure to be a flag for an even bigger plan. But she simply didn't have enough information. A couple visits needed to be made, favors cashed in. And if this was going to be done, it had to be done right, which meant she was going to have to do it herself.

She gathered her mask and sword, then spared a final glance to the picture she always kept on her. There was Taiyang's face, one she had tried and failed to forget for so long. Then there was her brother who she still couldn't forgive nor hate. She didn't bother looking at herself. Instead, she spent twice as long on Summer, hidden under that hood. Just another soul lost fighting in an endless war between two immortal beings.

Then she whispered the words, "No more."

She didn't know who the words were directed to. Was it Summer, her children, her tribe and family? She was unsure, but all that mattered to her were those words. She had lost too much. No more.

"Ma'am, Roman has made his move. What should we do?" Emerald Sustrai asked her leader, bowing her head in deep respect.

"If this issue has spread far enough that even that thief is doing something about it, it's likely that everyone else has already done the same." Mercury Black was laid down on a crate box, hands behind his head as he lazily kicked his legs over the side.

"Idiot, don't talk to Cinder so casually!" Emerald scolded Mercury.

Mercury got up from his spot and glared at her, "Or what, you're gonna punish me for being bad? I'd like to see you try."

"Enough." Her voice was enough to shut down the argument before it even started, it always was.

"Emerald, since you were the one to bring it up, I'd like for you to investigate this issue for me. Some of the rumours I've heard are… disconcerting to say the least. They have potential to mess with my plans at the very least, and that is not to be allowed. Do you understand?" Cinder gave her subordinate a sly look which made Emerald shift uncomfortably.

"Yes, ma'am. I'll get it done."

"Good." It was a statement, but Emerald knew Cinder meant it as a promise. She would complete her mission, or she would die trying.

Salem sat upon her throne, listening boredly to Watts who was delivering his latest scheme in great detail to her. She didn't care, not really, but her underlings did, so it was in her best interest to pretend she cared. She briefly paid attention, barely catching his words.

"-losion in Forever Falls, estimated to accelerate plan E-6 by 2.6% but decrease efficiency in…"

She stopped trying to listen after that point. Immortality had not, in fact, given her any more patience nor book smarts to deal with Watts. Most of what he reported to her on a daily basis didn't need her input anyways. She brushed off a sudden twitch of her leg as she became increasingly bored. She really needed Watts to finish soon. Then a chill in her back, probably from one of Watts' stranger tendencies that creeped even her out.

Finally, when her instincts started screaming at her, she stood up.

"My lady?" Watts stood at attention, utterly lost for words and scared for his life. How cute, he probably thought he said something wrong.

"Nothing Watts, nothing. Just… something you said has made me realize something. I'll be gone for a while, do not bother me in the meantime. Understood?" Salem started moving towards the exit.

Watts nodded excitedly, probably thinking she had actually listened to him and gotten something useful out from it. How ironic. "Of course, my lady. I shall inform the others and make sure they do not disturb you."

"And that sort of go-getter attitude is exactly what I like so much about you, Tyr- dear Watts." Damn, she almost called him the other one. Oh well, she saved it in the end anyways. All's well that ends well. She really needed to get outside more, that must be what her instincts were telling her. She could faintly hear something yell 'no' but ignored it. When one lives for as long as she has, they learn to trust their gut feeling. As she walked through her castle to the outside, she decided what she was going to do.

As she stepped outside, she was met by a Grimm Dragon, her personal steed. It bowed respectfully, allowing her to comfortably ride on its back. She undid her hair from its usual bun and let it flow freely over her shoulders and across her back.

"Hmm, I hear Patch is nice around this time of year..."

And so, in the following days where a God would find himself in the middle of every force imaginable, another God went on vacation.

So... thoughts? Critiques? Compliments or insults? I know the first chapter wasn't very funny for how long it was, but Naruto hasn't actually met many girls yet. My hope is that once all the girls realize they're going for the same thing, it'll get a lot funnier to see how they react and interact with each other.

I changed Ilia's character because I feel her personality in RWBY was just way too cookie cutter and dry. Now she's just cookie cutter, but hopefully less dry. Adam is also less of an edgy asshole in this which I think everyone will like. I think the most obvious change is Salem, who is just way more chill about things in this. Ozpin gets his own, separate personality from Ozma, who likes to tease him about being single.

Well, that's all for now. Feel free to check out my other stories in the meantime and review. Until next time, thanks for reading!