Severus Snape: Exposed
a/n: ...Why haven't I thought of this before?
Personally, I love snails. I had them at this french restaurant once, and they were in this really good sauce and tasted fantastic.
THE QUIBBLER
SEVERUS SNAPE, BY GEORGIA LOWEN
Severus Snape: Evil bat-man OR good man with gentle heart?
THIS is the question we are asking today.
TODAY, we shall dive into the heart of the matter and we shall find the matter of the heart, which is the heart of Snape's matter.
Snape has always been mean and vicious, not kind to new students and seems to hate teaching. OR DOES HE? Recent evidence has shown that this is all an act, and Snape is the most puppy-loving, warm hearted, kind and generous man this world has ever seen.
WHY? Because I have uncovered evidence that Snape secretly does good deeds. He gives to charity, under an assumed name. He takes home stray animals. He adopts orphaned children. And most of all, he bakes chocolate chip cookies and sells them at bake sales to raise money for senior centres. Why does he keep it a secret? Because he's worried about his reputation. Never fear, kind, gentle man, this article will not harm his reputation. In fact, this article will only enhance his reputation for evil. Why? Because I'm am reporting, AT THIS VERY INSTANT, that Severus, S., Snape, the most feared potions mistress in all of Great Britain, WAS ONCE A MAN! Now, he spends his days not spent teaching poly-juiced into various muggle super models, all of which are girls, and picks up random guys in bars, takes them home for a quickie, and then LEAVES THEM BEFORE HIS TIME IS UP! Obviously there are some childhood issues he has not yet resolved.
In addition to that, he also likes to eat snails! Yes peoples. Severus, S., Snape, likes to eat snails!
And now, we shall take a detailed look at Severus S. Snape's school years.
He was tortured by none other than James H. Potter, father of Harry J. Potter, huh, that's weird, but to be fair, Severus S. Snape completely deserved it. I should know, I went to school with him.
Severus S. Snape was a greasy trans-sexual, and not the good kind! He used to dress up in girl clothes, wear make-up, and try to pick up guys. He was not successful at this.
Later reports has shown that no one remembers him doing this. Obviously he used some sort of mind-erasing spell.
Severus S. Snape has also once used a global-mind-erasing-spell to remove all knowledge of another event from the minds of people everywhere. You see, wizards and muggles alike from every single country on the planet once knew about this incident. It horribly warped the mind of several people and is the actual cause of the horrible incident that happened to the brave and wonderful Longbottoms. You see, Severus S. Snape, the kindest, meanest, good-hearted, evil-hearted, cookie-baking, cookie-hating, trans-sexual man in the world once posed nude on the front page of the New York Times, a newspaper read by muggles ad wizards un-alike. Thankfully, this memory has been erased from our minds forever.
In other shocking and horrifying news, Severus Snape was also once featured in Teen Witch as Bachelor of the Century, an honor so high and hard to achieve, Severus Snape wold never ever get in. But he did. How? By threatening to sleep with the editor.
In conclusion, Snape is repulsive, loves cute animals and little children, secretly helps the community, and above all, is so undesirable that not even a sewage slug would want to see him necked.
a/n: This was both fun and creepy to write.
Alla