A/N: This fic is PURELY for laughs. I'll take any suggestions or phrases anyone thinks would make for a good laugh and try to incorporate them into the next chapter.
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Chapter One: Scheming Witch
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Hermione Granger was sick of being the odd ball. She didn't fit in anywhere! In the muggle world she had been a freak, in the wizarding world she was unworthy, and at Hogwarts among her peers she was just an annoying and bossy know-it-all!
Even her two supposed best friends, Harry Potter and Ron Weasley, were less than keen to have her around. They only spoke more than five sentences to her when they wanted her to do their homework. And they all usually began with "Hermione, please…" "Hermione, I need a really big favor…" "Hermione, I'll love you forever if…" "Hermione, I hate to bother you and all but…" and they ended with "Hermione, you're the greatest, love you loads, see you around!"
She would sigh as they snatched their papers and turned quickly away, eager to go snog their girlfriends or play a game of Quidditch.
Well, she wasn't the brightest witch for nothing. She could and would solve this problem. How could she live up to her potential of being the most acclaimed and brilliant witch if she had to mope around being lonely and depressed all the time? But what exactly was she going to do?
She sighed and rested her elbows on the table as she looked around the Great Hall. Maybe she wasn't as smart as she thought she was. Just then a loud and obnoxious giggle rudely interrupted her preplanned brooding session. Seamus Finnigan was grinning as he whispered into Lavender Brown's ear. She squealed with delight again and doubled over giving Neville Longbottom, Dean Thomas, and Colin Creevey a very good look into her cleavage from across the table.
Hermione scowled with disgust as she watched her housemates drool like starving zombies. As if they'd never seen breasts before! And Lavender! No doubt she had purposely left the top three buttons of her school blouse undone and was wearing the frilliest pink bra Hermione had ever seen. And jeez, she had HUGE knockers! She needed to hide those things under a sweater instead of letting them burst free; she was liable to put an eye out! She also knew that Lavender rolled the waistband of her skirt up four times before she left the room each morning. What was wrong with girls these days?
Hermione continued to watch them with a dull expression. She would never understand why a girl like Lavender could get so much attention. In other words, she would never understand why a girl's assets could make her so sought after…
Suddenly a thought struck her and she straightened. That was it! She was a girl! She had breasts! She had a nice bum! Her hair was, er, well… something she would have to work a bit more with but she could do it. She could become the most sought after witch and she would gain all the attention and admiration she deserved. Attention from the boys and admiration from the girls. She would have to cut back a bit on sleep in the mornings and, she gave her school uniform the once over, some changes in her clothing would have to be made. But sacrifices must be made in the face of the greater good. She, being the greater good, of course.
She had never really cared about her appearance before, it hadn't seemed to matter, but now she knew a girl couldn't just gain respect from simple things like great moral, saving the world, and knowing everything. Appearance really did matter. Hermione mentally went over her current wardrobe. She was in dire need of new clothing if she was going to get anywhere. Especially new underwear. Luckily, she had managed to save quite a bit of money so for Christmas break she would go shopping for the Hermione Granger that was going to rule the Wizarding world and gain everyone's heart doing it.
"Hermione?"
Yes, she was, in fact, the brightest witch of her age. She was probably the brightest witch EVER!
"Uh, Hermione?"
"Mmm, yes, Ginny?" Hermione turned with a dreamy smile to her redheaded friend across from her.
"Why're you holding on to your boobs like that?"
Hermione looked down. She was in fact, grasping her breasts. Her face flamed. She glanced up at Ginny's confused expression.
"I was just, uh… checking out something I read in a book. Yes, that's it. Did you know if your breasts fit perfectly in your hands then you're destined to marry your soulmate?"
"Really?" Ginny's eyes widened and she eagerly grabbed at her boobs.
"Really, read it… somewhere. Well, I'll see you then, bye!" Hermione sighed with relief as she left the Great Hall. After her usual study hours tonight she would get right to work.
Oh, yes, things were going to change around Hogwarts. Girls like Lavender would be a thing of the past. Hermione Jane Granger would be all the bees-knees. Most acclaimed and brilliant were already in the bag, but by the end of the school year, she would also be the most sought after witch in all of Hogwarts.
ooo
"You're cruel, inconsiderate, and self-centered. You don't care at all about my needs or what I happen to want. I mean, what about my feelings—"
"Listen, I know, I know, Pans, but for one night can we just pretend I'm not all those things cause I really wanna shag now and you know I'm the best shag you've ever had." Draco Malfoy cooed gently as he rested an arm above Pansy Parkinson's head beside the Potions Classroom. She swooned and her lips quivered as she tried to maintain a firm pout.
Professor Snape stormed into the classroom with a sneer of disgust at his godson. He had, apparently, heard that last bit.
"But Draco—"
"Come on, Pans. We both know exactly where this will all lead at the end of the night so why don't we skip the context and jump right to the climax." He waggled his eyebrows and pressed his hips against her.
But just as Pansy leaned up for a kiss, Draco caught a whiff of a light, airy but very alluring aroma of warm cinnamon and vanilla. His nose tingled, his fingers tingled, he began to tingle all the way down to… well, down there. He looked up, his eyes tripping over long, smooth calves, creamy thighs, up to the crisp white uniform blouse pulled tight against firm breasts, only two buttons open (groan) leaving a slender, delectable neck exposed and decorated only by a small ruby pendant hanging from a thin gold chain. Smooth, perfect curls framed the face of… Hermione Granger?
Draco Malfoy pushed away from the wall so fast he stumbled and barely managed to maintain his balance.
"Draco! Are you okay?"
"Great Merlin's saggly left tit! Was that Hermione Granger, Pansy? Did you see her?"
Pansy's brow furrowed in confusion.
"How in the bloody hell did she get so, ugh, hot?"
"Draco, what in the world?" Pansy moved towards him.
"My thoughts exactly!"
Pansy stood dumbfounded.
"Er, do you still wanna skip potions for a quickie?"
"What, oh, nah, Pans, Granger's in there, gotta go!" Draco moved past her into the Potions classroom without a look back, a bewildered and distant look on his pointy and pale face.
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Harry Potter was sweating. His hands were sticky and smearing the ink on his parchment. Rubbing his palms against his pants he glanced over one more time.
The blasted things were mocking him.
Haha, Harry! You can't have us cause we belong to Hermione Granger, your best friend. Don't you wish you could get locked in a dragon's den with us, eh? Too bad! HAHAHA
It was very rude of them, if you asked him. All perky. All.. BIG like that. He itched to touch them. If only Hermione was… Lavender Brown or Daphne Greengrass, he'd touch them so fast they wouldn't know what hit them.
Harry Potter… daydreaming of boobies. How clever, thinking a large pair of breasts could distract the Dark Lord. You are a stupid boy, Harry Potter.
Harry groaned. Not only did he have to suffer through Voldemort's random mind invasions in class, he had to discuss boobs with him too? His day was really beginning to suck.
Hermione arched her back in her chair next to him, stretching her arms. The class groaned. On the other side of Hermione, Ron openly stared. And drooled. Gross. Harry didn't blame him.
Neither did Malfoy. He hadn't bothered to open his book. In fact, he was leaning forwards as far as he could in his chair, both hands placed palm-down on his desk, and he was leering at Hermione, little pink tongue sticking out between his lips.
Well, they are nice, Potter, I'll give you that. Tell you what, hand the mudblood over and I'll spare you for ten years.
Harry thought about it. Really hard.
You are an idiot, Riddle.
Oh, come one, Potter! I'm cutting you a break!
Harry ignored him. The day was getting stranger and stranger. He knew he was out of his mind when he noticed that Snape was directing his lecture to Hermione's breasts. For the ENTIRE class period. No one else noticed.
His hands sweated.
He tapped her on the shoulder.
"Um, Hermione?"
She turned to him, clearly annoyed at being disrupted during class.
"Yes, Harry?"
"Could you tell your boobs to quite down a bit? I'm trying to take notes."
"…"
"Say, where'd you get those anyway?"
"Duh, Harry, I grew them over night, isn't it obvious?"
From the back of the classroom, Malfoy smirked. Of course she did. And by the end of this night, they would be his. HAHAHA…HAHAHA. HAHAHAHA.
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A/N: Next up. Chapter Two: Scheming Wizard