Aloha! Just when I think I'm out of storylines...I find a new one. I hope you enjoy! As always...thanks for reading!
Chapter One
It hadn't rained in Honolulu in almost two weeks. It had been one of the driest spells on record, yet it came down in buckets on this day, this of all days. It just added to the misery that was felt amongst the crowd, but no one felt it more so than the man dressed in his pristinely fit, white Navy uniform, and standing perfectly erect, staring down at the equally white coffin that was covered with an American flag.
The rain poured off the ends of the canopy that covered the grave as the crowd tried to huddle close to get everyone inside. Men occupied the outside like a barrier, shielding the women from the shower.
The Naval minister spoke of her heroism during her years as a Lieutenant in the Navy and then the many accomplishments she'd succeeded in while as a civilian.
"Catherine Rollins-McGarrett was a force to be reckoned with," he said over the sound of the rain hitting the canvas tent. "She never backed down from a fight. She never wavered in the face of fear, and when her country called for her, she accepted the roll as protector of the innocent."
Steve wanted it to be over. He knew if the eyes in the tent weren't on the casket then they were on him, feeling that dreaded sympathy over the loss of what most knew was his one and only true love since the first time he had met her at the age of twenty-five. 'They were meant for each other,' is what they whispered to each other. 'They were a perfect match.'
He wouldn't and couldn't deny any of it, because it was true. She was the most genuine and honest person he'd ever met. They had been thru hell and back on more than one occasion but always seemed to come together in the end unscathed and closer than ever before, but not this time.
It still seemed like a dream that he just couldn't wake up from. How could she have faced so many dangerous situations and lived through them all only to be struck by a car while she was running? It was so unbelievable that even now as he stood there at her funeral it didn't seem real.
….
Danny stood on the bottom step of the stairs at Steve's house looking up toward the bedroom waiting for him to come down after changing out of his uniform.
He thought about what he should, or could say to him, but nothing came to mind. He was at a loss for words, knowing nothing he said or did would ease the pain that his best friend was feeling. It was a tragic, tragic situation that left so many people, including himself, heartbroken, but none more than Steve.
He and Cat had finally, after so many years, settled into the life that Danny had always pushed them towards. Steve had proposed, the answer was yes and the wedding had taken place not long after, both eager to start out this new life, a life that would have no happy ending.
Danny wiped the moisture from his eyes and heard a creak, looking up, seeing Steve standing at the top looking down at him.
Neither said a word at that moment as he came down and went past him.
He followed him into the kitchen. "I thought I'd crash on the couch tonight," he said to him.
Steve went to the fridge and took out a gallon jug of water and took a long swig from it before replying.
"You can go, Danny. I'm ok, besides, I was going to crash on the couch tonight." It had been his bed for the past four nights since the accident, not sure when he'd be able to occupy he and Catherine's bed again, not that he'd got any sleep anyway.
"I'll sleep on the floor," Danny argued.
Steve chuckled slightly over that, putting the water back in the fridge and closing it. "You're sleeping on the floor days are over, partner." He glanced over at him. "I appreciate it Danny, I do, but I'm good. I just…I just want to be alone tonight, ok? I promise if I feel the need I'll call ya." He beat him to the punch with that last line, knowing it would satisfy him.
"Alright," Danny sighed heavily.
Steve walked him to the door as they both stood there, Danny was just across the threshold about to leave when he paused and turned around to him and did something unexpected.
Steve was caught slightly off guard as Danny stepped in and hugged him. It wasn't the embrace that comforted him as much as the words that validated the anger he felt over it all.
"I'm sorry Steve," he said sincerely. "I'm really sorry. You don't deserve this and neither did Catherine." He backed away with his head slightly bent, not wanting to show the raw emotions that were surfacing over the tragedy.
Steve still had a hand on his shoulder and squeezed it ever so gently, switching roles and becoming the comforter. "Thanks, Danny. I honestly don't know how I would have got through the past couple of days without your help. It's all a blur and I know you filled in all the blanks for her funeral where I couldn't, so thank you."
He nodded with his head still bent. "I'll call ya tomorrow. Try and get some sleep."
Steve watched him turn and walk toward his car as he shut the door.
He didn't move right away, still facing the door not sure where to go. He wasn't tired. He wasn't hungry. He wasn't sad. He wasn't angry. He just felt…numb. The silence of the house was his first reminder that he was alone again. She wasn't off on some mission to save the world and would return in a week or two; she would never come home.
He thought of the night he had proposed and her promise never to leave Hawaii again without him. A promise she kept and he felt strongly it was one she didn't regret either. They were happy.
"She was happy," he whispered out loud, feeling that pain in his chest begin to surface over the loss. He closed his eyes and took in a deep breath and fought it off, not letting the real pain of it set in over the numbness. Being numb was manageable, but allowing himself to feel the pain was not. He was a master at keeping his emotions under control. It took years and years of work, but he had conquered any emotion that tried to sneak in when it wasn't wanted and snuffed it out.
"Food," he said. "I haven't eaten today. You're hungry, eat." The appetite that had been eluding him suddenly appeared and he did feel hungry all of a sudden.
He went in the kitchen and opened the fridge, examining the contents that held several Hawaiian dishes that friends had prepared and dropped off for him over the past couple of days.
He settled on a glass pan that contained Kahlua Pork and rice.
He reached up in the cupboard taking down a plate when a small piece of paper fell on the counter that had been on top of it.
He stared at it, knowing exactly what it was.
From time to time he would find notes from her when he opened a cupboard, or a drawer, or placed on the steering wheel of his truck. Or the best one had been written on the bathroom mirror in bright red lipstick.
He reached down and flipped it over seeing the familiar handwriting and written words.
'Hi Sailor, just wanted you to know that we both love you very much.'
He heard her voice so clearly when he read it that he actually turned his head to see if she were there, but the space next to him was bare and all he had left was a note. Her last words to him were ones that he should have expressed to her more than he had, regretting that now more than anything else, hoping that she knew he loved her more than anyone else.
He looked down at the note again as the words began to blur through the tears that formed. 'We love you.' The word 'we' she had been referring to was the baby she was carrying. They hadn't told anyone yet, not even Danny, only finding out a day before the accident. In all the turmoil over the past few days he had decided to keep their secret. His one and only child would live in his heart with his wife for the rest of his life.
He could no longer hide from the loss as it quickly took control and banished any chance he had of trying to isolate it.
He bent his head, bracing his hands on the counter as he began to softly moan and rock back and forth, putting up a fight but was losing the battle.
He tried to escape by walking it off but the grief refused to settle in one spot, literally taking over his entire body, rendering it useless against the reality that death had once again come into his life and taken someone that he loved so much.
He heard a muffled cry escape from his throat and put his hand over it to try and silence the unwanted emotion but it refused to withdraw, coming at him with a vengeance as if reprimanding him for trying to think he could banish it.
He turned and slid down to the floor with his back against the cupboard, clutching his throat, trying to choke the sounds that came from his heart that felt like it might break in two.
It was a frightening moment and showed in his eyes as he felt the isolation of being alone and worse yet, the separation of not having her in his life after so many years, sending a chill through him that made him tremble because of it.
The fight was over as he simply gave up, bringing his knees up to his chest and rested his head and arms on them and at last cried for her and the baby he would never know.
In the end he was relieved, realizing that he owed it to them to grieve the loss of the two people in his life that he loved above all others.
…..
The day after the funeral, nor the day after that, or the weeks that followed seemed to bring any kind of comfort to his life. Time wasn't his friend that was going to heal this wound. All he felt was empty, having no desire to work, to eat, or to live the life that he was forced to re-enter post Catherine.
He tried for a while to pretend that she was off fighting some war but it was hopeless, nothing could ease the harsh reality that she was not of this world any longer.
He wondered sometimes if he would have felt different about her death if she would have been killed overseas and the marriage hadn't taken place, but the baby was a reality check that blew that thought out of the water. He loved her pure and simple.
The engagement, he thought to himself. It all changed for him overnight. She went from being Catherine whom he held a distant but steady relationship with and relied on for information all those years before to being his partner when either of them needed a hand in troublesome situations, to his wife. He remembered waking up one morning after the proposal and just looking at her as she slept. It was peaceful and he couldn't remember a time that he had felt so content in his life. It was that moment in which he truly awoken to the feelings of what she meant to him, wishing that he had married her years before, not sure what he had been so afraid of, or what he was waiting for? Happiness had been standing right in front of him the whole time.
It saddened him beyond belief now that he had dragged his feet when it came to their relationship. She was good to him, much better he felt than he had been to her.
He had always been faithful, but never expressed his devotion or the appreciation he held over having her in his life. He had her on a pedestal, but regretfully she never knew it.
His energy level that had once been off the charts was now reduced to sleeping hours on end during the day, and wandering the house and garage at night until the depression would become too much and he'd collapse on the couch and just stare off into space, thinking of her and the plans of a family and life that were just that, plans that would never be.
He never went upstairs into their room anymore, using the second bathroom and sleeping on the couch. Any clothes he had would be recycled through the wash, and he'd wear them over and over to avoid the bedroom. Her things were there and he just couldn't bring himself to go in and see them let alone move them.
Her death had left him damaged to the core. He needed something to bring him back to life but what it was that he needed he just couldn't grasp past his own misery.
She was everywhere. Even when he left the house he was constantly reminded of places they'd been. He needed to get away from home. He needed to get away from Hawaii. He needed a place where he could feel alive again, and not be reminded of Catherine around every corner he turned. He needed complete solitude to heal.
…..
Steve looked up from his laptop, hearing a knock on his front door and then Danny's head pop in.
"Hey, how you doing," he asked, coming in without an invitation, closing the door behind him.
Steve flipped over the note pad on the desk he'd been writing on and closed the laptop. "Hey Danny, what's up?" he followed him to the kitchen.
Danny opened the fridge, examining the contents for two reasons, one, it was lunch time and he was hungry, two, he wanted to know if Steve was eating, having visited once before to find the refrigerator empty of anything really edible. He was pleased to see that it was somewhat stocked. He took out what was left of a processed frozen tray of lasagna and showed it to him. "Do you mind? I'm starving."
Steve shook his head, knowing he was there just to check on him. He could at least feed him for his nice gesture. "No, go ahead. I'm glad you're here actually. I want to talk to you." He took a seat at the kitchen table.
Danny saw that as a good sign as he set the tray in the microwave and turned it on, hoping he might be ready to come back to work.
He pulled a chair out opposite Steve and sat down. "I'm all ears."
Steve shifted nervously needing to tell him his plan, not sure how it was going to come across. "First off, I want to say thanks for taking over at work while I've been away."
Danny shrugged, "No big deal. It's had its challenges for sure, but we managed. Are you about ready to come back?"
"Actually, I put in for an extended leave."
Danny nodded but shrugged, ok with that, wanting him to be mentally ready when he came back, otherwise it was dangerous, not only for him, but for the team. "That's fine. For how long, a couple more weeks?"
Steve looked down at the table wiping his hand over his mouth nervously before he spit it out, "No, six months."
Danny sat up straight in the chair, "Six months!" he huffed. "What the hell are you going to do around here for six months?"
"I'm not going to be here."
He tilted his head just slightly in wonderment over that, hoping he didn't do something stupid, like re-enlist. "Where are you going then?" his voice becoming concerned as well as curious.
"I need to get away, Danny, away from here." He stared at the table as he scrapped his thumbnail over a tiny stain that had been there for as long as he could remember. "I'm not happy."
"Well obviously," Danny agreed.
"It's not getting better," Steve replied sadly. "I don't feel like myself anymore."
"Ok, so what's the answer? Do you have one?"
He looked up at him. "Yes. I decided I'm going to hike the PCT."
Danny narrowed his eyes, "The what?" He knew most of the hikes around the island but had never heard of that one.
"The Pacific Crest Trail," Steve replied.
Danny's eyes got big, "You mean that one that goes from Mexico to like Alaska?!"
Steve chuckled, "It starts at the Mexico, California border and ends at the Washington, Canadian border."
Danny just stared at him in disbelief, letting this new, crazy idea of his settle before he responded.
Steve pointed over his head, "The microwaves done."
He ignored his lunch and rested his arms on the table, looking across at him. "What are you going to join some group of hikers and…"
"No," Steve replied, "I'm doing it solo. I want to do it alone."
Danny wiped his hand over his mouth and shook his head, still not getting the reasoning for it. "Isn't that kind of risky, doing it all alone?" He started to get a bad feeling that maybe Steve's grief had turned into some kind of twisted depression. "You're not doing this are you because of the risk? I mean, you know. You're not feeling so lost that you feel there isn't a light at the end of this tunnel?"
Steve looked at him queerly at first and then got the logistics of what he was saying. "No, Danny. Don't worry, I'm not a threat to myself and it's not as risky as you think. It's a hike, a very well established and traveled hike. Its just really long and really hardcore." He pointed toward his computer. "I can show you the map. It's clearly laid out with all sorts of water stops, towns that hold supplies strictly for hikers, campgrounds for hikers. There are even markers along the way so you can stop and record your name so your progress is noted. It's really well organized."
"Why?" Danny asked. "Why this hike?"
"I need something," he began, feeling that if he stayed in that house one more day without a plan that he might actually be a danger to himself, "I need something to make me feel…alive again."
Danny could hear as well as see the desperation that came with that reply. "Ok. I like that you have a plan. I can see too that you feel pretty passionate about it, and I haven't seen that from you in a long time, well not since…" he started and then let the obvious reason go by, there was no need to say it, they both knew it. "You know, if you want me to go with you, all you have to do is ask? I'll do it. It might kill me but you know without a doubt that I'd do it."
Steve smiled over that, "Thanks buddy, but if you came with me on this hike then I might actually jump off a cliff, or throw you off one."
They both chuckled over that, knowing it was dead on true.
"Ok then," Danny raised his hands up as if giving his approval. "What do you have to do to prepare for this thing?"
"I'm glad you asked that," Steve replied, "because I could use your help."
"Name it."
"I'll have a series of packages made up and labeled to different towns along the way and I'll need you to ship them out on certain days so they're there when I arrive."
"What's in them?"
Steve shrugged, "Clothes, socks, fresh pair of hiking boots, food, just supplies."
"Is the timing of the year right?"
"I might be about a month late but they say early spring is the best because you miss the snow at lower elevations."
"Don't people plan for this thing like months or years in advance? You've been planning for what, a week or two maybe? Are you sure you're prepared?"
"I don't know, but I know I'm mentally prepared. I need this Danny. The second it came to my mind I've felt it's the right thing for me. I just need to get away."
"I think you're crazy for doing this," Danny halfheartedly laughed, "but I also think you're right in your reason for doing it. Its probably the most sane thing you've ever done."
"Thanks," he said sincerely, needing his support more than he thought he would.
"When do you leave?"
"Day after tomorrow."
Danny's eyes lit up again, not expecting such a close date, but it was what Steve wanted, and all he wanted was his partner back, so the sooner he left the sooner they both got what they wanted.
…
Steve stood outside he and Catherine's bedroom door with his hand on the doorknob. He took a deep breath and opened it, entering it for the first time in weeks. The musty smell of it being closed off hit him and he walked over to the lanai doors and opened them, allowing the fresh air from the ocean to penetrate the room.
All her things were still the same as they were the day she left on the run. He remembered that morning vividly. They had quarreled briefly about groceries of all things. He had requested a certain type of bread and she had bought the complete opposite.
He shook his head at the ridiculous nature of it now, thanking god that it wasn't their last words to each other.
He had kissed her goodbye, thankful for that, wising now that he would have also apologized for being so childish about the argument. He often wondered if they hadn't quarreled, would she have left the house sooner on her run, and missed the car that hit her.
He had turned that theory over and over in his head since her passing, adding to the heartache that already plagued him. He was supposed to be her protector and times when he was at his lowest; he felt it was he who had pushed her in front of that car.
He sat down at the foot of the bed and looked around the room that they had shared the last six months of her life. She had moved in almost immediately after the engagement and he hadn't regretted a day of it. The bed was warmer; his days seemed more enjoyable knowing she'd be there when he got home. They spent weekends with friends or exploring the island they both knew and loved so much. A couple of times finding a remote place where they enjoyed each other's company intimately.
They'd had a sexual relationship for years and it was always satisfying for him, even those times when it was months between liaisons. He didn't mind, she had always been worth the wait, but after the engagement and even more so the marriage, something had shifted and their lovemaking had taken on a new tone.
He wasn't sure if it came from him, from her or if it was a mutual respect, but the love they had for one another had changed, changed for the better. It was explosive and being with her in that way brought out so many enjoyable feelings that at times he just couldn't get enough, missing her throughout the day and finding himself daydreaming about her when he never had before. They had always cared deeply for each other and would have traveled the ends of the earth for one another, but they had lacked that one critical thing that would sustain the relationship for the rest of their lives, commitment. He felt that by committing themselves to marriage they were securing that precious bond they had, and in finally doing so they had simply fallen head over heels in love.
He looked across the way at the closet and the row of her clothes that hung there, including her Navy uniforms. He didn't have the will to move them just yet, it wasn't time, not sure when the right time would be, but it wasn't today.
"I miss you," he said sadly with a long drawn out breath and sigh. The tears began to form again, feeling the loss as she hovered all around him like a ghost.
His eyes shifted to a corner of the room where only a day before her death she had stood and used her hands, showing him the perfect place for a bassinet. She laughed at him, having to explain to him what that word actually meant. He was startled at first, still reeling over the news of the baby growing inside of her, but the look on her face when she talked about it changed his mind quickly. Her excitement over the pregnancy spilled over to him and it didn't seem as scary anymore, knowing that he'd have her to fall back on through the rough times.
He felt a twisted pain in his gut, realizing that he'd probably never have children now. The idea of starting over with what he had with Catherine with someone new was so far out of his reach that it seemed impossible to him. He'd never find anyone that could compete with her. In his eyes she was the perfect woman and for a while, he had the perfect life.
…..
Steve lifted the oversized backpack from the back of the Camaro as Danny helped him.
"I don't know how in the hell you're going to carry this things 2000 miles?"
Steve held it by the top canvas handle, balancing it against his hip. "2650 miles," he corrected him. "A walk in the park," he joked with a slight grin.
Danny shook his head. "I know, I know. A walk in the park for you, Mount Everest for me."
Steve chuckled over that and Danny was glad to hear it. After the initial outing of his plan he was pleased to see some spark in Steve's eyes return, but over the past couple of days it had suddenly vanished again and all he saw was the same sadness that had been his life for the past three months since that fateful day. He had reservations about him going again, but knew there was nothing he could say or do to change his mind.
"If you get there," Danny began, "and you feel like its not something that's working for you, there's no shame in not finishing you know. You can come home."
"I know," Steve replied.
"Or, if you feel like you need some company," Danny shrugged, "I'll jump on a plane and meet you at the next stop and finish it with you. I won't even complain, about anything. I swear!" He held his hand up giving him the Boy Scout promise.
The smile returned to Steve's face. "Thanks Danny, but I promise not to torture you like that." He returned the Boy Scout sign. "I swear." He lowered his hand and his smile slowly faded, "I have to see this through." He looked down at the backpack that was filled with everything he needed to survive the next six months. "I feel like it's my only chance. If I don't find some kind of peace…" He hated the life he was living but it was unavoidable. He was broken hearted from the inside out, praying this was the answer to ease him back into feeling, something, anything besides sad.
"You'll find it," Danny encouraged him, "just don't be impatient if it doesn't happen overnight. It's a process. I know how impatient you can be. Just let it happen on it's own time. That's all you can do."
Steve nodded and reached out for his best friend who had saved him from the possible abyss that could have swallowed him up over this loss. He truly believed that if it weren't for Danny he never would have made it past the first few weeks.
"I'll call ya when I can," Steve said as they embraced.
Danny patted his back as he hugged him back. "I'll get those packages to you on time, I promise. Be careful, buddy."
"I will," he replied as they broke apart. "Thanks Danny," he said looking him straight in the eye. "Thanks for…everything."
"Yea, yea," Danny shooed him off. "Get out of here."
Steve picked up the backpack and slung it over his right shoulder, slipping his left arm through the other side. He waved once more over his shoulder as he entered the airport.
Danny stood and watched him until he disappeared into the crowd, hoping and praying that he found what he was so desperately looking for.