A/N 1: Hello guys! This is not Sketches, but... Remember a long while back, when I said I was planning something epic? Well, this is the start of it! Unfortunately, I haven't gotten future chapters fully fleshed out yet, so updates might take a while. Also, this might be a huge departure from the other serious stuff I've written on this site, but believe it or not, I started writing comedy way before anything else. Think of it as a return to my roots (I hope I'm not too rusty...).
Anyway, onwards to the fic!
Bakamonogatari
Baka, adj.: A frequently used Japanese word meaning "fool; idiot; jerk; dolt; imbecile; foolish; stupid; worthless; absurd; ridiculous; idiotic; dumb ass".
Monogatari, n.: A literary form in traditional Japanese literature, an extended prose narrative tale comparable to the epic.
Chapter 1: The Details
His past had caught up to him again.
It had come sooner than he expected – the village he was residing in was a good distance away from the capital, and he had counted on several months before some trader would finally recognize him for who he was. Had been, he reminded himself as he faced the men in front of him.
Oh, but what did it matter. He was wrong, if nothing else. It had only been a week and here he was, confronted by an angry mob wielding pitchforks, shovels and menacing faces.
"Himura," the chief – a stout man with weathered features and a strange braided beard – stepped forward, "I suppose you know what this is all about."
Himura Kenshin sighed. Yes, he had had enough experience on his way here to have a good grasp of the situation. "I am sorry for what I have done, chief, I truly am. If you are willing to give me some provisions and a few minutes to gather my belongings, I will leave this village."
"Leave, Himura?" It was strange, how the chief still insisted on calling him Himura when past experience told him that by now the villagers should be spitting the word Battousai at every chance they got. Like they could be rid of their disgust and fear of the legendary assassin simply through the use of his name. Like they could remove his sins by expelling the hitokiri's name from their lips.
Kenshin bowed his head. "Yes. I am sorry for the pain that I've-"
"Oh, but we can't let you leave, Himura," the chief interrupted (was he even listening?), signaling a man – a farmer carrying a length of rope – forward, "Not when the dragon demanded your blood."
Kenshin snapped his head up so quickly he almost sprained his neck. "What?"
"What?"
"What?"
"What?!"
Kenshin groaned. In the past week that he had stayed with the villagers, he had found that they were particularly…ignorant when it came to some things. Like the existence of rational thinking. And common sense.
"What dragon?" He asked, somewhat exasperatedly.
"Oh. Oh!" Realization inched across the chief's face. "Right. I forgot that you're new to this village, Himura." At least he had the sense to sound sheepish. "Well, you see, this village has been threatened by a fearsome dragon for a couple of years now. And it occasionally sends messages to us, demanding one thing or another in exchange for peaceful co-habitation."
"Messages? The dragon sends messages?"
"Oh yes," the chief pulled out a piece of paper from his pocket, "See, this is its latest note."
Kenshin took it from him and saw, in relatively neat and human-esque handwriting, the words:
I DEMAND THE BLOOD OF YOUR FAIREST.
And then, as if as an afterthought:
OR ELSE…!
Followed by several amateurish doodles, one of a stick figure being eaten by what he presumed was the dragon, and another of a stick figure on fire.
Kenshin stared at the note for a few moments, then raised disbelieving eyes to the chief, "And what does this… dragon's demand have to do with me?"
The chief snorted and rolled his eyes, "Well, Himura," he enunciated every syllable clearly, like he was talking to a particularly dimwitted child. Kenshin resisted the urge to sock the man in the face. "Isn't it obvious? You're the fairest in this village – we've all agreed. So we'll need to sacrifice you to the dragon."
"What?!"
"Yes, we have all agreed that you are the most beautiful here. So while it pains me to do so, you have to be sacrificed. Now, be still and let Noburo tie you up."
As Noburo – the farmer with the length of rope from earlier – took a step forward, Kenshin stepped back, shock almost causing him to forget his defensive stance. Almost. He pushed his sword a few inches from its scabbard. I'm not being persecuted for my past as an assassin, but because I'm… pretty?!
"Wait a minute, chief." Maybe he could talk some sense into these people. This dragon sounded pretty dubious. In fact, it hardly sounded (or wrote) like a dragon at all. "Have you ever seen this dragon?"
"Nope."
"Then how do you know that it really is a dragon?"
"Because when it moved into the caves up in the forest two years ago, it sent a note saying that it was a dragon, and that it didn't want to be bothered. Or else." The chief shuddered.
Once again, Kenshin found himself incredulous. "And you believed it? Just because it sent a note?"
"Of course not! What do you take us for, Himura, idiots?" The chief actually had the gall to sound offended. "We hear its roar echoing from the cave whenever we go into the forest, and we see huge fireballs hurtling towards the sky every now and then. And we know that it's dangerous, because once it sent a puff of smoke shaped like a skull into the sky!"
"But don't you see? This could just be someone trying to trick you! What else has this dragon demanded of you?"
"Well, when it first came it wanted a futon. Then it asked for furniture – tables, chairs, and a cupboard. Then some other things that I can't remember… oh! Last winter, it wanted a rug."
Kenshin couldn't resist it anymore; he slapped his palm against his forehead, dragging it down his face as he tried not to yell, "It sounds like someone is setting up a home in those caves over there! Don't you think that dragons would ask for less… practical things?"
The chief looked at him sternly, "We do not presume to know the ways of dragons, Himura. Enough chit chat, we're taking you to the caves whether you like it or not."
Narrowing his eyes as several men stepped forward, Kenshin dropped into his signature battoujutsu stance, his expression precariously balanced between incredulity and indignation. Bloody past or not, I am not about to be sacrificed to a non-existent dragon just because some idiot villagers thought that I was the fairest!
Three men came hurtling towards him, crude weapons raised, and Kenshin snapped his sword out of his sheath, hitting the first with the flat of his sword. He followed the momentum of his twist to hit the second with his sheath. Pivoting on his foot, he was about to take down the third when he felt a sudden sharp sting on his neck. Ignoring it for the moment, he continued towards the third man, knocking him out with a blow to his abdomen. Satisfied that none of the other men seemed to be willing to try anything anytime soon, he reached up and grasped the slender body of a dart. Pulling it out, Kenshin only had time to register that it was a tranquilizer dart before everything went black.
Kenshin awoke with a start. Opening his eyes, he was greeted by the sight of a large cave, its entrance a yawning mouth framing the absolute darkness within. Taking stock of the situation, he cursed when he realized that his sword was gone, and both his hand and feet were bound in front of him.
"There's no use struggling." A voice to his right caught his attention.
Turning around, Kenshin recognized Noburo and the dark forest that loomed behind him. The village was on the other side of the forest – assuming only Noburo had been carrying him, he must have been out for a good hour or two. Noburo grinned at him, and Kenshin noticed that he was missing two front teeth, which somehow made that smile all the more alarming.
"There's no use struggling," Noburo repeated, "those are my finest knots. Oh and here," he tossed a rooster into Kenshin's lap, "maybe you should be the one to return the dragon's messenger rooster. You'll need all the help you can get."
Chuckling darkly, Noburo gave him a small salute and walked back into the forest, disappearing from sight.
Kenshin looked down at the rooster in his lap, feeling that nothing should really surprise him anymore. "…Messenger rooster, huh?"
The rooster clucked at him.
"I guess there's nothing to do but wait for the dragon. If it even exists."
The rooster clucked again, this time a little resentfully.
"I bet it's just some old man looking for a good time. The blood of your fairest? I bet- ouch!"
The rooster was pecking Kenshin quite viciously in arm.
"What the- Stop that!"
Kenshin awkwardly attempted to swat the rooster away with his bound hands. The rooster stopped and looked at him like he was an idiot. Kenshin paused. Right, attributing thoughts to animals. Those villagers must be contagious. What am I going to do next, start talking to it?
"Ooh, you are a pretty one. No wonder those imbeciles chose you."
Kenshin started. Did the rooster just…?
The rooster simply stared at him, as if waiting for a reply. Well, it wouldn't hurt…
"Did you just talk to me?"
The rooster rolled its eyes. Wha-?
"No, he didn't. But I did."
A fox was sitting on a rock over his left shoulder, tail swishing behind it as it surveyed Kenshin with clear mahogany eyes.
"As I was saying," the fox continued silkily, amusement creeping into its voice, "you are very pretty. Probably the prettiest. But I don't think this was what she was expecting."
The fox laughed a strange, high pitched laugh that made the hair on the back of Kenshin's neck stand. "Oh, definitely not what she wanted at all. She's going to be so angry."
"…She?"
"Why yes," the fox licked its paw, "the dragon. She's not going to be happy about this." Its ears perked up suddenly, twitching slightly. Then a slow smirk spread across its face, "Ah, here she comes now."
Turning back to face the cave, Kenshin could see a light emanating from its depths, a bluish glow that was growing brighter by the moment, as if its source was moving closer… Then he heard a growl, a steady growl that seemed to be building in intensity, before finally exploding in a roar:
"SAAAAANOOOOOO!"
A roar that reverberated throughout the entire cave, echoing off the walls and multiplying in volume, so vicious and earsplitting that for a moment Kenshin wondered if the villagers weren't idiots after all – there was a dragon living in this cave and he was about to die, eaten alive by a dragon all because he was deemed pretty…
"SAAAAANOOOOOO!"
The roar came again and Kenshin looked around for the fox, wondering if he should ask for help, but realizing belatedly that it had vanished. The messenger rooster had fled to cower behind his back since the first roar and he was left defenseless, about to meet his end at the claws of a fearsome dragon.
The blue light was blinding, and the heat that emanated from it made him arch back. Kenshin felt sweat dripping down his brow. Blue flames? This dragon breathes blue flames? He squinted and vaguely made out a figure silhouetted against the light – the dragon's head, perhaps? Then suddenly a ball of blue flames was hurtling towards him at a frightening speed, and he could only gape at the monstrous beauty of it – intense in both color and the sheer heat it released. The rooster gave a terrified squawk and ran away, hiding behind the rock the fox had so recently vacated.
Then just as Kenshin was about to close his eyes and pray that death would come swiftly, the ball of flame landed inches from his feet, disappearing completely after a few seconds. Instead, another fireball was launched at the rock to his left, and the rock shattered to pieces, leaving the rooster exposed.
"Sano you idiot! You left your goddamn feathers all over the rug again! How many times do I have to bloody tell you to clean up after yourself?"
Another fireball went for the rooster, who managed to escape just in time. The rooster clucked angrily.
Kenshin blinked. He wondered if he was dreaming, then figured that he wasn't since his nightmares were usually more… bloody and morbid. At the entrance of the cave stood not a monstrous dragon, but a relatively petite girl in a kimono. A blue flame burned brightly in her right hand, and with a growl she hurled it at the rooster again.
"I think I'm having roast chicken tonight!"
This went on for quite a while, the girl throwing her blue fireballs and threats with equal fervor while the rooster dodged each attempt to roast it with surprising agility. After about a quarter of an hour though, the girl seemed to tire, and with a half-hearted snarl she collapsed on a flat boulder nearby, her feet stretched out before her. The sun had already started to set by then.
And then Kenshin knew that this… girl did not demand for him at all. In fact, if the fox was to be trusted, he definitely was not what she wanted. He seized the momentary lapse in murderous rage and spoke up, "Umm… good evening. Do you mind helping me out of these ropes?"
The girl gave a slight start and looked over at him, apparently noticing him for the first time. Kenshin smiled his most innocent smile at her.
"Who are you? What are you doing here?" She was on her feet almost instantly, a blue flame glowing in her hand once again.
"I believe you…er, demanded for me?"
"Demanded for you?" She sounded skeptical, and Kenshin breathed a sigh of relief. Warily, she moved closer.
Up close, Kenshin noticed that she had fine features and a fair complexion, which contrasted prettily with the silky raven hair tied high behind her head. She was definitely an attractive girl – not a classic beauty, and from the previous display of temper, most certainly not a classic anything – but she was beautiful in her own right, a glowing sort of beauty that Kenshin had never really seen before. But that was only if he paid close attention – if he had just passed her on the street, he would have thought of her as any ordinary village girl.
If not for her eyes. Oh her eyes – colored an endless sort of blue that reminded Kenshin of the sky above the ocean – a sky he had only seen once – infinitely far away and crystal clear, with slitted pupils that certainly did not belong on any human. Her eyes gave her away to be something more.
"Since when did I demand for some pretty boy? I demanded for…" She trailed off.
Kenshin decided to give her a hard shove in the right direction. "The blood of the fairest, remember?"
Kenshin watched as realization dawned on her and had to suppress a chuckle when she slapped her palm to her forehead, the flames in her hand extinguishing. Apparently he was not the only one who was constantly amazed by the villagers' stupidity. And if the chief was telling the truth, she had put up with them far longer.
"Those idiots," she gritted out, flushing red. "This is completely wrong! I'm so sorry, er…"
"Himura. Himura Kenshin."
"I'm sorry, Himura-san-"
"Please, Kenshin is fine."
"Right, Kenshin. I'm sorry those morons didn't understand my message. I guess I could've worded it a little better, but I never suspected that they could ever be this stupid…" She took out a small dagger from the front of her obi and deftly cut his bonds.
Kenshin massaged his slightly sore wrists, smiling at her, "That is fine, um…"
"Kamiya. Kamiya Kaoru. I guess you can call me Kaoru."
"Kaoru-dono. There is no harm done."
"I'm sorry all the same." She looked up. "It's getting late, though. Would you like to stay for dinner, Kenshin?"
At the mention of dinner, the rooster moved closer. Kenshin backed away slightly. He didn't think that he would like to see someone being eaten alive in front of him.
"Um, no thank you. I better be on my way."
"No, I insist Kenshin, stay for dinner. It's the least I could do."
"But, um…"
"Really, I was just about to cook up something for Sano here anyway." She jerked her thumb in the direction of the rooster.
Kenshin jerked involuntarily. The rooster… he was going to have to eat worms for dinner?
Apparently Kenshin was silent for too long. Kaoru beamed at him, taking his silence as consent. "Right, that settles it then. Do you mind setting up the fire with Sano? I'll go get some food."
She then headed past them towards the treeline beside the cave, a ball of blue firelight in her palm.
Kenshin sat and stared after her, unable to comprehend what he had gotten himself into. Why did she need them to make a fire if she could conjure some up herself? After a few moments, he felt a tugging at his leg. The rooster, er… Sano had the hem of his hakama in his beak, and seemed to be asking him to follow him. Standing up, Kenshin followed Sano into the nearby forest, thinking that this couldn't possibly get any stranger.
Thankfully, Kaoru didn't return with a bucket of worms. Instead, she came back with a few frogs and field rats, slightly charred on the surface. Kenshin guessed that she had hurled some of her blue fireballs at them, the poor souls. Gutting them with the knife she had used to cut his bonds, she soon had them skewered on a few sticks Sano had set aside and burning merrily in the fire.
"So… you're not from the village, are you?" Kaoru spoke, tossing a frog-on-a-stick towards Sano.
Kenshin hid a grin behind his roasted rat, "How could you tell?"
"Well, you're not completely dense, for one."
Kenshin couldn't help but chuckle. "You're right. I'm not from the village. I'm merely a wanderer, and I had been staying there for a week when all… this happened."
Kaoru winced, "Right… I still feel really bad about that. I didn't think that they would resort to kidnapping. And a man, at that!"
"Well, you did demand the blood of the fairest," Kenshin pointed out, reaching for a frog, "And you never really specified the gender."
"Yeah… but I thought it would have been obvious, you know? I mean, I've never asked for sacrifices or anything like that before, just some stuff to furnish the cave."
Kenshin stared at her. "Wait… you weren't asking for a sacrifice?"
Kaoru looked slightly taken aback, "No! Of course not!"
"Th-then when you wrote the blood of the fairest…"
"I meant a few drops of blood! From the fairest girl in the village! They could've just pricked her finger and sent a vial of her blood."
Kenshin didn't know whether to laugh or cry hysterically. The people in these parts were strange, to say the least. Their minds didn't seem to run on the same kind of logic as the rest of the world. Trying to make some sense of what he had stumbled into (he was eating dinner with a dragon and her messenger rooster, for god's sake!), he reached for another skewer, only to find that it was the last one left. Then he realized that Kaoru had not taken a bite of anything the entire time.
"Kaoru-dono, aren't you hungry? You haven't eaten anything."
She looked at him weirdly. Then comprehension seemed to dawn on her and she giggled. Plucking the stick out of the fire, she passed it to him and smiled mischievously, eyes flashing, "Oh, I don't eat these…"
Kenshin felt a cold sweat break over his brow. He knew it. He should have run away when he had the chance. She was fattening me up. Now she's going to eat me!
Kenshin was about to stand and try to make his getaway when Kaoru suddenly… inhaled the fire. She opened her mouth and as if blown by phantom winds, tendrils of flames swiftly rushed between her lips, not unlike someone eating a bowl of noodles. After a few moments her mouth closed and she swallowed, satisfaction blooming across her features. Kenshin was dimly aware that the fire had gotten much smaller.
Kaoru smirked at him, her eyes laughing, "I'm a dragon, Kenshin. I only eat fire."
Now thoroughly assured that Kaoru would not eat him, Kenshin felt more comfortable in her presence, and even started to relax by the campfire. They had fallen into an easy silence after the food had been eaten, each lost in their own thoughts and enjoying the night breeze. Sano the rooster was on Kaoru's lap, and she stroked his feathers unconsciously, eyes distant. Kenshin didn't really want to break the easy atmosphere, but something had been nagging at him for a while now, and he felt that this was probably the best moment to bring it up.
"Kaoru-dono?"
"Mm?"
"Why do you need the blood of the fairest?"
She shot him a glance and then hesitated, as if unsure whether to speak. Sano peeked out at him from her lap, his gaze wary.
"It's fine if you won't tell me. I'm just… curious, that's all."
Kaoru observed him for a few heartbeats. "If I tell you, will you help me?"
"Help you? Kaoru-dono, you're not in trouble, are you?"
"No, not really. Just… will you help me get it? The blood of the fairest?"
Kenshin thought about it. It wasn't as if she was asking him to kill someone – all he had to do was get a few drops of blood from the prettiest girl in the village. Besides, he didn't particularly owe the villagers anything… He took in the girl sitting in front of him, one of her fists tightly clenched in the rooster's plumage, her mouth a slight downward twist and her gaze clouded. Not entirely sure why, he inclined his head, "I will do my best to help you, Kaoru-dono."
Placing Sano on the ground cautiously, Kaoru scooted closer to him, her features thrown into sharp relief by the firelight, making her expression hard to read. Slowly, she raised her hand and parted the front of her kimono, revealing smooth alabaster skin. Kenshin was torn between looking away in mortification and looking on in admiration. He could see her collarbones now, and just when he thought he saw a glimpse of her cleavage he realized what she was really showing him. A patch of blue on her chest glinted in the firelight, and upon closer inspection he realized that it was scales he was looking at, blue scales that melded with her skin and spread over her chest like a wound.
"The more dragon magic I use," she said softly, "the more it spreads. I realized this about a month ago, but didn't know how to stop it."
"But… why…"
"Because- Because I'm not really a dragon. I was simply raised by one. And he taught me the magic of his kind, so that I could defend myself, so that it would not be lost. But he's… gone now, and I didn't know what to do. Then last week, the fox spirit wandered by. She told me that there was a potion that could cure me. But I would need to set off on a quest for the ingredients."
"A quest? Simply to gather the ingredients?" If the fox that Kenshin had met before was the fox spirit Kaoru was talking about, then he wasn't sure if its advice could be taken seriously.
"Apparently my situation is quite… unique and complicated, so the ingredients have to be complex as well. I'll need to collect the fang of a white tiger, a lost soul's shadow, one-sixteenth of a demon's heart, the dream of a false knight, and of course, the blood of the fairest."
"I guess given that list, the blood of the fairest does sound the easiest." Kenshin said wryly.
"Exactly," Kaoru smiled, although her eyes were still uneasy, "Well, I guess I'll just have to send another note to the village tomorrow-"
"Oh, that will not do." A voice interjected from somewhere behind them.
Kaoru was on her feet in an instant, a fireball in her hand and Sano at her feet, poised to attack. Kenshin had also leapt to his feet, but realized an instant later that the villagers had taken his sword. Damn.
"Oh calm down, you three." The fox from before walked into the firelight, tail swishing gently, "It's just me."
"The fox spirit?" Kenshin asked, feeling a little out of his depth.
"Yes, yes," the fox said almost flippantly, "but I guess you can call me Megumi. After all, we're going to be traveling together."
"What?" The fireball had been extinguished, but Kaoru was still on her guard. Kenshin admired her defensive posture for a few moments before returning his eyes to the fox in front of them.
"After overhearing that conversation and realizing how thick you all are," Megumi's eyes glinted, "I've decided to help you. So I'll be your guide on this quest."
Megumi walked towards the fire and settled herself down next to it, tail curling in front of her to wrap around her front paws. Slowly, Kenshin and Kaoru sat back down facing her.
"Now, as your guide, the first thing I must tell you is that you've got it all wrong." Kaoru's hands twitched by her side. "When I said blood of the fairest, I didn't mean the prettiest girl in that idiot village, you nitwit. I meant the fairest in all of Bakamono."
Kenshin stared at the fox. That actually… makes sense. Why did we assume that blood of the fairest referred only to that village?
"But how can I know who's the most beautiful in these lands? This kingdom isn't exactly small, you know." Kaoru glared at the fox, "Besides, there is no objective measure for beauty."
The fox sighed, its ears twitching. "Who said anything about beauty? It's complexion I'm talking about. The fairness of one's skin. And I believe that there are rumors of a tribe in the snowy mountains to the North…"
"The Yukishiro clan," Kenshin breathed. He had heard rumors of them during the war. They were said to have such pale skin that they blended in with the snow on the mountains.
"Yes," Megumi purred, smile widening, "Their princess is said to be the fairest in all of Bakamono."
"Then that's where we have to go!" Kaoru stood up. "Come on, Sano, we're leaving."
She had taken a few steps towards the forest when she stopped. Abruptly, she swiveled around to face them, hand placed sheepishly behind her head, "Er… where exactly are these mountains again?"
Megumi rolled her eyes. It was strange for Kenshin, seeing a fox roll its eyes so exasperatedly. But it was also bizarrely amusing. Figuring that Megumi wasn't going to say anything, he spoke up, "Um, Kaoru-dono, maybe it would be better if we take tonight to pack and get a good rest, and then head off tomorrow? After all, I don't think we'll be back here any time soon."
"It'll take at least half a year to get all the ingredients," Megumi piped in.
"H-half a year?! B-but what about our cave? And can this," she pulled down the collar of her kimono, "last that long?"
"If you don't use your dragon magic as ridiculously often as you do now, then yes. It'll last about a year."
"B-but I…" Kaoru suddenly swiveled around to face Kenshin. "Kenshin, you don't have to do this. I mean, it's at least half a year of your life! Surely you'd rather spend it… er, wandering?"
Kenshin considered her, her strong stance and flushed face and bright eyes – those vertical pupils in a sea of infinite blue. He was apprehensive (of course he was – they weren't exactly normal, and what they were about to do wasn't exactly on his side of sanity), but still…
"I did give my word, Kaoru-dono, to do my best to help you obtain the blood of the fairest. So allow me to at least accompany you to the mountains. And besides," he smiled at her, and was surprised to see her eyes widen slightly, "I am a little tired of travelling alone. A wanderer never knows where he's going or for how long. But if you don't mind that… I'll stay with you for a while."
...
To be continued.
A/N 2: I forgot to mention earlier that this is also an attempt at writing Action/Adventure, as well an amateur go at a multi-chaptered fic with an actual plot that goes beyond emotional development. I've characterized Kenshin a little differently from the Rurouni we're all familiar with, but as you might have realized, he hasn't actually met Tomoe in this universe. His past is more or less the same (but in a different context, of course), and he's definitely still saddled with the guilt of it, but he isn't as traumatized. He's also just started wandering, so much less of the rurouni mannerisms and more of the slightly snarky Battousai we catch glimpses of in the manga. Oh and Kaoru as a dragon – it's actually inspired by Fairy Tail, this anime I'm currently watching. So the fire-eating idea is totally not mine. The portrayal of the character is, though, and I hope you find her fun! (I sure had fun writing her.)
This world is going to be…. Strange, if it wasn't obvious already. I hope you have many questions about it – piquing your interest in this strange world (and the characters that populate it) is definitely one of my objectives. There's a ton of backstory brewing in my head, and I really hope I can deepen this universe as the story progresses.
But as always, reviews are heartily welcome! I really want to know what you guys think about this particular story – the world, the characters, the tone of my writing – so I know which direction I should take the next few chapters. Thanks for reading!