So, I watched Grey...Lol.
To be honest this is just my opinion about the state of EO. After watching Grey I kind of had a revelation, and it's my own revelation, you don't have to agree with it. I'm using Olivia to thash out my frustrations, I hope you find this interesting and maybe a little funny...
I did this at work, with no spell check so I'm really sorry of there are mistakes. I needed to do this, after watching the ep... Well, you can see how I feel if you read on...
She used to miss him. Even when he was right next to her she missed him, craved him. No one else would understand how she could work with someone every day and still miss him just seconds after he'd gone home. She didn't really understand it herself. She had tried to, tried to name whatever it was that she felt but it was terrifying, so she ignored it and carried on missing. She had dreamt about him, most nights. Some dreams, some nightmares but he was the one constant.
Things have changed. She doesn't miss him anymore. She doesn't dream about him. Something has changed. She can't explain it, it was as though everything concerning him had been dulled, was no longer bright and vibrant. She can't remember the last time her heart had skipped a beat when she saw him in the morning. She doesn't accidentally compare her dates to him anymore. She can't count the amount of men she had overlooked when she realized they could never compare to the man that she simply couldn't get out of her head. She no longer imagines his face when she makes love, not that she had ever done it on purpose, it simply...happened.
She had once felt a spark every single time his eyes met hers, but that had been years ago. Slowly, slowly the spark had disappeared. She can't put her finger on when things changed. It had hurt like hell when he told her that his ex wife was pregnant, and that she would no longer be his ex wife. It had hurt so much that it had actually surprised her. She was almost disgusted with herself for feeling so hurt. He wasn't hers. He never had been. But she had wanted him to be...
She had thought about making a move, about asking him out for dinner, trying to gage if he felt anything for her at all. She wasn't obsessed, he didn't consume her every thought but she cared about him, more than she should have and that had always been her secret. She wasn't one for school girl crushes. What had been admiration and appreciation had turned into something more, something more than she could handle. When he was married it wasn't a problem, the barriers of his marriage were more than enough to keep her content but when he split with his wife...there was a chance. The boundaries were blurred and she allowed herself to accept how she really felt about him.
She had been professional, she was sure that he didn't know. It wasn't until their seventh year together that it had all come out. As she stood pointing her gun, tears filling her eyes as he begged her to shoot she realized, and so did he. The silence was deafening and it revealed the truth. There was something. She would never forget the look on his face just seconds after Gitano had hit the floor. Never. That moment had scared her, more than anything ever had and so she ran. It was the biggest mistake she had ever made.
She ran because she had realized that she would sooner die herself than lose him. She ran because he must've known, he must have seen it in her ye es like she saw it in his. She ran because she'd run out of excuses, his wife, the job, he didn't feel the same way...There was nothing left. She wondered if he had only just realized in that moment in time that he felt something, even if it wasn't love, if it wasn't as much as she felt for him, it was something and he had looked so...shocked. Had he ever thought about her? Had he fantasized about her? Had he thought about asking her out? She didn't give him a chance to try, she couldn't.
It was safe while he was out of reach, while he was oblivious. As soon as he knew, as soon as she saw that look on his face, as soon as she heard him tell her that they couldn't be partner's anymore if they chose each other over the vics she knew that she had to go. She would always choose him, always, or so she thought...
She finds it ironic that they touch more now, a hand on the back, a nudge here and there. They never used to touch, at the time she had been thankful. Now she feels stupid. Stupid for dismissing so many men just because they weren't him. Stupid for not realizing it would pass. She feels stupid because she hates that fact that she doesn't feel that spark anymore... All of the colour that being around him had injected into her life now seems...grey. She almost resents how comfortable they are with each other. She feels like she's wasted so much time on him, and she hates herself for feeling that way.
She knows that he has no clue. That he loves his wife, and that fact doesn't even hurt anymore. She feels...nothing.
When she had returned from Oregon the tension had nearly killed her. It was then that she had thought of simply turning up on his doorstep and throwing herself into his arms. She'd managed to get to his door more than once but never managed to knock. There were nights when she lay in bed aching for him, literally aching. She had so desperately wanted to know how it would feel to be under him, to feel him, every single inch of him all over her... They had argued then, like never before. She had been scared that he would leave, terrified that if he was away from her for more than a few days she wouldn't survive, but he stayed.
She isn't sure what happened. The first year or so after he had gone home she had struggled. She had missed him more than ever. She had pushed herself away, unable to watch him playing happy families when it was everything she had wanted. Perhaps she had expected him to push, to fight just a little bit more for her but he didn't. While she was there for every scratch, every punch, every hospital visit he'd made, he had missed some of the most terrifying moments of her life. He hadn't noticed that she was struggling when everyone else had. She couldn't help but wonder if that was when the colour started fading to grey.
If she's completely honest with herself, she has to admit that sometimes it doesn't bother her. It doesn't bother her that she may have missed Mr Right whilst pining after Mr Unavailable, sometimes she's content with what she used to feel for Elliot. She still cares for him, of course. But the urgency that she once felt is no longer there, she's content. They are simply friends and she would never give that up.
But other times... Other times she's so frustrated. One night, whilst sitting alone, thinking about the complete change in their relationship over the past few years she realized what an unhappy ending it was. If their story was a TV show, she could imagine people really rooting for them. She could also imagine how pissed off they would have been as their relationship changed, slowly building, suggesting, only to then go the complete opposite way. They had, essentially, climbed the world longest set of stairs ever, slowly and then, just before reaching the top they turned around and climbed all the way back down. But then she'd laughed, what kind of crazy person would want to watch a show about her and Elliot and the especially heinous crimes that they investigated...
It seems almost unreasonable to be disappointed that she and Elliot are getting on but she misses the spark. She didn't ever expect to be content with him, in his company but she is. He's happier in his marriage than he has ever been and she has Calvin... But she misses him. She misses the way he used to look at her, the way that her stomach would flip when he looked at her. She knows it's for the best, she knows in the long run that he would always end up with kathy, she only wishes they hadn't had those moments. It didn't seem logical for everything that had happened between them, the looks, the tension, the longing, the leaving, the coming back, all for nothing... She had been so sure at one point that something, anything would happen, a kiss? Anything? It's almost hard to believe that they're now so comfortable with each other, that the spark that had once terrified her was no where to be seen. Perhaps it's for the best.
As frustrated as she sometimes gets she has accepted it. She knows now that what they had, or didn't have is well and truly over...
She sighs and walks into the locker room, stopping as she sees him stood there with just a pair of jeans on. He looks up, her eyes meet his and it happens... Her heart skips a beat and a little bit of color replaces the shades of grey...
Hope you enjoyed, would love to know what you think x x