"I can't do this!"

Frustrated, she threw the crutches in the corner. The noise echoed in the empty room and Marc, her physiotherapist sighed.

He was one of many. But he was the only one who stayed. Her moods were terrible and she knew it. She knew exactly how much she frustrated other people, but she had no strength to pretend that she was not beyond annoyed with her situation.

And why did she try anyways?

She was alone in the world, why should she pretend? Sooner or later she would be leaving the hospital, who would talk to her? The nurses who were too busy making eyes on Dr Cullen to care about her?

The therapists she kept silent every time? The doctors?

Dr. Cullen?

The thought of him made her flinch.

He was the most patient of them all, which was more likely due to the fact that she was holding back with him. At least most of the time. Although it wasn't actually true. She didn't hold back. He just had a way that .. Lily couldn't describe it. His presence was never disruptive or too much. His words were never patronizing or dishonest.

He was just .. Dr. Cullen.

There was no other way of describing it.

At least she was spared the shame that he had witnessed her outburst, and she was pretty sure the hospital staff was talking about her enough.

Apparently there was an exact period of time in which it was acceptable to mourn and apparently it was over. The hospital psychiatrist told her every week how important it was to open up and she closed up more with each week. The nurses ignored her, except for a few empty phrases and she noticed how she was waiting for just one thing every day.

The rounds.

It was shameful, weak, and wrong. Lily hated herself for it. She couldn't explain it, but she was addicted. With a look, a word, a gesture, he wiped away her frustration. Just like that. And he problably did not even notice that.

The pain, the thoughts, everything was gone. She certainly still felt the grief, but it no longer overwhelmed her. It was something her psychiatrist would never understand, as well as she didn't understand it herself. But she didn't try anymore either.

She stopped fighting it.

It didn't help that he was mostly alone with her in the room, it didn't help that it looked so unbelievably good, his velvety soft voice didn't help either and she didn't even want to begin with his body. And it didn't help much that he came in with two books under his arm. She could recognize the cover immediately. Her breath caught, this time not from his looks for once.

Well. Not only.

He looked at her in amusement and stopped in front of her bed. Her eyes flickered from his face to the books under his arm and she couldn't decide which sight she enjoyed more.

"What I don't understand, how do the owls know where to fly?"

She raised an eyebrow in surprise. Had he read it?

"Of all things, thats what you don't understand?"

He shrugged, the fabric of the gown stretched around his body and she admired his well-built stature.

His lopsided grin was irresistible, she couldn't find a better word.

"So you read it after all."

"Only the first few chapters. I felt like I needed a little head start."

He held out the books to her and she held out her hands expectantly. His face beamed and she wasn't sure who was enjoying the whole thing more, him or her.

"Wise, very wise."

Ever since she started reading, Dr. Cullen seemed to visit her more often.

It was difficult to see a pattern in his visits, it was almost like he was always working. At night was best. The station was quiet, nothing was going on. No nurses to interrupt, no calls or emergencies.

He pulled a chair to her bed and they would read or talk or both.

The book was enough to talk about and Lily wasn't sure if he was really reading it just for her. His interest was far too intense to just play it. He asked questions so specific that he actually had to read the book.

She was not surprised that he was appalled by the portrayal of evil in it. He was just too good inside to understand Snape. She had to respect his opinion, at least he didn't know everything yet. He had no idea what else to expect.

The distraction was more than welcome, and she also noticed that he often used the book to ask her personal questions. Unlike the psychiatrist or the nurses, it didn't seem artificial, it didn't seem that he just wanted to make a diagnosis. He actually seemed interested.

On bad days when she couldn't get Alex out of her head, they would only read. He seemed to notice it right away, and each time she expected him to just turn around and leave.

But he never did.

He straightened his chair, found the bookmark, and read. Lily's eyes rested for a few moments on the angelic face of him and finally she also withdrew into the fictional world.

"Why-"

Her voice broke off.

Dr. Cullen jerked his head up and stared at her. The curiosity was easy to read and Lily swallowed. His golden eyes gave her an unreadable look. It was actually legible, but Lily didn't trust her judgment.

"Why what?"

His voice picked up immediately. She could sense his interest and it caused an excited tug in her stomach. She had to avert her gaze from him, otherwise she wouldn't be able to utter a word. She stared out the window. As always, the Forks sky was shrouded in thick cloud cover.

"Why does everyone say it's okay to mourn when it isn't?"

"How do you figure it isn't?"

Lily snorted.

"Everyone says I should show my feelings and as soon as I do that, as soon as I behave the way I feel, everyone flees like I have the plague."

"That's not true."

"No? Nurse Mary waited 5 minutes in front of my room today until she dared to go in."

"It had nothing to do with you."

"Oh yes?"

"I was in the room across the floor and she was waiting for me."

His voice carried something fearful, as if he was talking about a grizzly bear and not a tiny woman with blonde curls.

Lily laughed and watched Dr. Cullen, who lit up. His eyes sparkled and she had to turn away again. Her heart was racing and she cursed it.

There was a brief silence, although it was not uncomfortable. On the contrary. Lily could feel that he wanted to say something and formed his words in his mind. One more point that made him different. He actually thought before speaking. A quality he didn't share with many.

"I hope you know .. I'm sure you know that you don't have to pretend with me, Lily."

His lips that formed her name was a new kind of drug for her. It was the way he pronounced her name as if it were made of porcelain, precious, valuable.

An uncertain look passed over his face, but he didn't wait for her answer.

"I can promise you that I will not wait 5 minutes in front of the room door before I enter."

He looked again at the book in his hands and she got the feeling that he was saying it to himself rather than to her.

It surprised her how quickly he read.

How did he find the time?

He was almost always in the hospital and when he wasn't here he had 5 teenagers at home waiting for him. How did he do it all? Sure, his sister lived with him and probably had everything under control at home, but still it was a miracle that he could easily keep up with her. What's more, sometimes it seemed to her that he was a lot further than she was. It didn't matter, she knew the books by heart, but it surprised her.

Not only did he ask her questions, over time she also found out a lot about him. She wasn't entirely sure if he just wanted to get more out of her and that was why he was sharing certain things with her, but she was only too happy to imagine that he just trusted her.

So she learned that he had never known his mother and that his father died very early.

As a result, she told about her mother who left her when she was 4 years old.

From her father she preferred not to start at all. She told him that she had lived with Alex for the past two years. It was strange when she told about Alex his face twisted imperceptibly and she wondered if he was uncomfortable. At the same time she thought to herself, why should it? She was sure he didn't know Alex - at least not personally.

So his death couldn't have hit him too hard. She also noticed that it was good for her to talk about him, which was probably also because Dr. Cullen didn't immediately give her a pitying look as soon as the name Alex was mentioned.

"How was he?"

The question hit her unexpectedly, it was the first time that Dr. Cullen showed interest in the subject. He misinterpreted her hesitation and followed up apologetically.

"Of course you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to."

"No- it's okay."

He nodded and waited.

She felt safe, it was difficult to classify. But dr. Cullen had such a quality that you just felt good when you were around him. She had noticed how popular he was - and not just because of his increingly good looks. She felt that no matter what she told him, he wasn't going to judge her.

She cocked her head. How could she describe Alex to someone who didn't know him?

"Alex .. saw it as his job to take care of everyone. No matter who hw was with, he always tried to make that person feel better. He was the type of person who would even joke at a funeral just so that you wouldn't be so sad anymore. "

She felt her eyes grow moist, and for the first time in months, they weren't tears of despair. She remembered someone who just didn't deserve to die.

"He always wanted to see the good in everything, he was incredibly positive. I hated it."

She laughed out loud and saw how the red lips of the blonde angel opposite curled up into a slight smile. However, his eyes were sad and Lily hated it. She didn't want him to be sad, it was just wrong.

"His taste in music was a disaster. An absolute disaster. Fortunately, they don't have any of his favorite songs on the

Funeral played, people would have run out. "

Now he laughed and Lily felt her heart skip. It was a heavenly sound, far too beautiful to be heard by her.

"He was ... he was just there. He was there when you needed him, he was there ... when no one else was. He was just ... there. I know it sounds- "

"No, I understand."

Lily nodded quickly. She was afraid it would sound ridiculous, but Dr. Cullen's face was serious. He understood her.

"Now that he's gone .."

Her voice broke for the first time and Lily swallowed. It was a terrible thought, one that she had buried deep within herself and for some reason unknown to her, it wanted to come out. Dr. Cullen waited patiently and looked at her frankly.

"Now that he's gone, I feel .. alone."

Immediately he grimaced.

"That's not true, you are not alone."

Lily grinned crookedly. He knew what she meant and she knew what he meant. They were two different things that only shared the name. His face grew serious and he leaned forward slightly. Her body reacted immediately. Her heart beat faster and she felt the palms of her hands getting wet.

What was the matter with her?

"Lily, you are not alone. "

The mood was too serious for her, too heavy. She longed to go back to the casual discussions about Animagi and Harry's unnecessary poor eyesight.

"I mean it. There are so many who care about you. "

There was something pleading in his voice, as if his greatest fear was that she would not believe him.

"Well they don't seem to be standing in line."

Sarcasm dripped from her words and he leaned back again. He stared at his hands and this time it was her turn to wait patiently. Not exactly their strength.

"I'm here."

"Until Christmas."

It was clear what she was referring to. He was her doctor and once she was fit enough she would no longer be his patient. There would be no more reason for him to have contact with her.

A thought that literally plagued her and that she kept hiding from herself. It resolved a pain that she was just about to process and she was definitely not ready for it.

His golden eyes searched the room aimlessly until he finally shrugged.

"I don't think we'll make all seven books by Christmas."

What he was implying was clear and Lily had to swallow.

She got nervous. Was that what she thought?

Did he see her as more than just a patient, someone to look after during his working hours? The shock was deep and the silence stretched, he became restless and she could feel that he wanted to take it back.

"At the speed you read, you will be through everything in two weeks."

She tried to loosen up the subject again, but couldn't keep the beaming smile off her lips. It was the first time she genuinely smiled.

At least the first smile that really came from the heart and his own smile came immediately.

For a split second she thought that he and Alex weren't all that different. Both obviously had their hearts in the right place, were caring and compassionate. She didn't feel that Carlisle was lying to her. She believed him and that was not something she said a lot. Lily was lied to so often in her life that it was no longer in her nature to believe anything. That she trusted him ... was a big deal.

A very big deal.

His words and the underlying promise floated around in her head long after their conversation. They had triggered something that Lily had successfully denied herself.

Hope.

She had hope.

For the first time since the accident, she had the feeling that maybe, somehow, everything would be fine one day.

How wrong she should be.