Disclaimer: This story is 100% alternate universe and most, if not all, of the characters in this story are out of character as well. Also I don't own anything by J.K. Rowling and I am not trying to steal her characters, plots, or moments within the books that she has written. This is my own story and I also claim to not copy off of anyone else's work either in the process.

What Happened Previously: Harry survived his first year at Hogwarts, no thanks to Voldemort trying to kill him at the end, because he was trying to get the Sorcerer's Stone. The other students were sent home while Harry was unconscious, and he was left in the Hospital Wing. When Harry returned to #4 Privet Drive, Dumbledore gave him something to make his summer better.

A/N: Currently we are experiencing a pandemic around the world, and I can only hope that everyone is taking it easy and being smart. Just stay home and wash your hands. That being said, I can only hope you all are finding some kind of way to keep yourselves entertained. Honestly this is the best time to do tasks you have always wanted to do but never had the time to do so, or have wanted to catch up on things. Me? I haven't written in a while, so this seems like a good reason to get back into the game.

Anyway … here's the next part. Thanks for reading.

Chapter 1: Dumbledore is a Dick, and the Weasleys are Idiots

"No, Ron, I am NOT going back to that school!" Harry said as he stared at the carrot-topped fuck known as Ron Weasley and his far more handsome twin brothers Fred and George (although Harry would never admit that). The trio of Weasleys had come up to Harry's bedroom in a flying car. The redhead trio blew up the wall that connected the space between them and the house. How the three had even blown up the wall in the first place, Harry will never know.

"Oh come on, Harry! We've come to rescue you from your relatives! Harry rolled his eyes.

"Ron, you are such an idiot. I'm actually having the best summer of my life here. There's no way I would ever want to go back."

It was true. The boy did not want to return. These last few months, following the events of the Sorcerer's Stone, were some of the best Harry had ever experienced. Normally it would be hell because he was forced to do all the chores, cook for his shit ass relatives, and live in the cupboard under the stairs, but this time it was different. Dumbledore had really come through for Harry this time, which the boy felt extremely entitled to.

Earlier in the summer:

Moments after seeing his relatives open the door when he returned from Hogwarts, Harry noticed that his walrus looking Uncle Vernon, skinny crypt keeper look-alike Aunt Petunia, and the oversized Oompa Loompa cousin known as Dudley, were definitely not the same. Their eyes were swirling around in spirals just like in the cartoons, and it was extremely apparent that the trio was hypnotized.

"This is going to be fun." Harry said. "Okay, you lot. I think we should perform some tests to see how far this can go. Aunt Petunia, go rip out all of your plants from the garden and then eat the flowers. Dudley, I know you are big on bullying other people, so I want you to do the unthinkable and go to every single kid you've tortured and beg them to beat you up. And finally, Uncle Vernon, I want you to do one simple thing for me. You are to spend the summer being my footrest."

As the months progressed, Harry found it wonderful to be treated like a king inside of his childhood home. The Dursley's were under his complete control, and life seemed to be perfect. That is until he received a new letter from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

As he read the letter, Harry noticed that he was required to attend his second year of schooling despite what happened in the last few months. There were students who died, a constant fear of chaos in the halls, and Voldemort was on the loose in the school, so no one could blame Harry for not wanting to go back. Not only that, but it seems that he would be picked up again by Hagrid in just under a month! At the mere mention of that gigantic bearded moron, Harry rolled his eyes and sighed in annoyance. Hagrid was not the most subtle of people, and it would be likely that he could cause a lot of trouble just because of his size alone.

A week later, Harry was sleeping in his bed when a large crashing sound erupted from his bedroom, and in a shocking display of power, the wall to his room was completely ripped off! On the other side of the broken portion of the house, was the trio of previously mentioned redheads in their floating car.

And now we arrive again at the present.

"But Harry! There were bars on your windows! We had to break you out!" Harry looked like he wanted to throw a brick at Ron for being so stupid. But it wasn't entirely his fault.

Over the course of last year, Ron Weasley suffered the worst kind of injuries to his brain that could ever have happened to anyone. And most of them were instigated by Harry Fuckin' Potter. After tallying up all of the incidents done by Harry, and then by Hermione, and then by the sheer fate of bad luck, the redhead carrot top crayon brained boy endured over 100 injuries. The fact that he was not dead at this point was nothing short of a miracle. The only thing that could be more impressive than this would be Voldemort materializing back from his ashes from the chamber last year.

"Focus, Harry. This is not the time to think about Ron, or anything related to Ron." He thought.

"Yeah mate." One of the twins said.

"For once, our little Ronniekins isn't spinning tales." The other twin admitted.

"So it makes us wonder ..."

"What kind of trouble did you get into ..."

"That made your relatives ..."

"Lock you away like a criminal?" Harry had to take a double-take in order to understand what Fred and George were saying at once. It was annoying.

"Could the both of you NEVER do that again?" Harry asked after trying to get his upcoming headache under control.

"No promises, Harry." Both of them responded. Harry put this little detail away in his mind for later in case the twins got on his last nerves again.

"Come on, Harry! Get in the car!" Ron shouted as if his life depended on it.

"Fine. I've had my fun here anyway." After grabbing all of his belongings from his room, Harry opened his bedroom door and shouted that he was leaving to his ugly deformed walrus looking family.

"Thanks for being my slaves you geriatric fucks!" The boy listened but no sound came. After shrugging, Harry shoved his bags into the flying car.

"WAIT! Harry you almost forgot Hedwig!"

"Ronnie stop shouting…"

"You shouted so hard that you drooled…"

"Not that it's hard for you." The twins chorused. Ron gave them a sour-looking face.

"Okay. That's once since I've told the twins to stop." Harry stated in his head. He then continued.

"I'm not bringing her, Ron. Do you really think I'd bring her into a death trap like this? I'm going to set her free and she will meet me at … wherever we are going." Harry turned to the cage with his feathered friend in it.

"You wouldn't want to ride in this thing right?" Harry asked Hedwig. The bird squawked or shrieked something horrible which pretty much equated to "Just get me the hell out of this thing!"

"Okay okay! Shit!" Harry released the owl from the cage, and before the bird flew away, it pecked him on the head a few times and then flew off.

"Dickhead bird." Harry muttered under his breath.

Most of the time, Harry wondered why in the world he kept the bird around in the first place. The only reason why he even got her was because of Hagrid buying her as a present for his birthday. The boy has had buyers remorse ever since. That bird was nothing but a pain in his rear end.

Harry, Ron, Fred, George, and the flying car traversed a great distance before anything came into view. At first, Harry was a little scared traveling in a vehicle that is not capable of flying in the muggle world. Normally this would seem like something out of a child's fantasy, but since this kind of thing only happens in the wizarding world, it was just ludicrous. Harry outwardly sighed. The unexplainable is just another thing that doesn't make any sense in this world. The boy got out of his weird funk for the time being and started going back to what he knows best.

"Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. We will be approaching our destination in about 5 minutes. Please fold your trays in the upright position and fasten your seat belts as we prepare for landing."

The three red heads looked at him as if he was an alien from Mars. Fred and George especially were trying to come up with something quirky to say but thought of nothing. Then, suddenly, the youngest redhead spoke.

"Oh no. I'm starting to feel sick." Ron said.

"Do you get car sick, Ron?" Harry asked as he raised an eyebrow.

"Oh yeah. Ronnie over here is not good riding in a car for long periods of time."

"What's worse is flying for a few hours will also cause him to get sick."

"You have got to be kidding. All he does is talk about Quidditch, food, and chess! How can he get sick in the god damn air!" Ron was starting to get paler and paler by the second.

"Guys. I think I'm gonna … I'm gonna"

"Oh no, boys. It looks like Ronnie is going to vomit."

"Prepare for the worst, Harry!"

Seconds later, Ron yakked all over himself and the seat he was in. Apparently it was too much of a hassle to roll down the window. The vomit seemed to come out nonstop for seconds on end, which was causing everyone else to get nauseous as well. The fact that Harry was sitting next to Ron in the backseat, only made it worse for him. Seeing and hearing people throw up tended to cause him to do the same. Unknown to Harry, Fred and George had the same problem.

Then, as if in sync with one another, Fred, George, and Harry all vomited at the same time. The smell was overwhelming in the car and it only seemed to make the situation worse with each passing moment. A moment later, Ron began to hurl again after seeing his friend and brothers do the same.

This is when things got out of control.

The car was swaying side to side as the boys were trying to stop throwing up, and keep a handle on the steering at the same time. The combination was impossible to handle. What made it worse was the fact that all of them had thrown up, and the vomit had short-circuited some of the wirings. There was no hope now. The car began to take a nosedive and spun in circles over and over again as it plummeted to the bottom.

"AAAAHHHH!" said all four of the boys.

The car continued to spin more and more violently in the air as it continued to head straight into the ground all the while a puddle of vomit swirled inside that managed to hit anything and everything in its way. The image of the Burrow was coming clearer in view and it looked like the car was going to head straight into the shed that resided right outside of the house. This didn't make anything better though.

"DEAR GODRIC, PLEASE SAVE ME!" Fred shouted.

"NO, SAVE ME! I AM THE MORE ATTRACTIVE TWIN!" George exclaimed.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS HOW I'M GOING TO FUCKING DIE!" Harry angrily yelled.

"MY ONLY REGRET IS THAT I DIDN'T DIE AT A BUFFET!" Ron squealed. Harry thought about smacking the boy upside the head but since the four of them were most likely to die, he let it slide.

The car fell farther and farther down from the sky, and then suddenly, darkness.

A light appeared all around Harry as if he was awakening from a dream. His eyes were not used to dealing with such intense light before, so he had to wait until the fluttering of his eyelids was under control. The boy's head was screaming and he was sore all over.

"What in the hell happened? Am I dead?" Harry thought.

"Ah! Welcome back to the living, Mr. Potter." A grandfatherly voice spoke from out of nowhere. Harry groaned. He knew that voice anywhere.

"Just fucking great. It's Dumbles-the-fucking-Whore. What is going on here, bonehead?"

"It's great to see you as well, my boy. I must say this is an unusual way that we would end up seeing one another again, but alas, magic it seems is capable of anything."

Harry gritted his teeth. He hated it when the old wizard called him his boy. In no way or whichever was he going to be Dumbledore's child. Or a pet. The thought of that ever happening caused Harry to get shivers all the way down his spine in the worst way possible. As the boy tried to shrug off his uncomfortableness, he took in his surroundings, but he found it impossible.

"Could you please turn off your light you codger? I can't see anything past your wand!"

"Oh silly me. My apologies." Harry grunted as he witnessed the man's wand lowered and the light vanished from the wand. "There we go. Much better now."

"Finally."

"How are you, Harry? You seemed to have taken quite a fall."

Harry then looked at his surroundings. He was in a makeshift bed that was laid out on a living room floor. It was obvious that he was inside of the Burrow, but he could not see anyone else in the room with him.

"If you think falling from hundreds of miles in the sky is a fall, I can't imagine what you call anything else." The old man chuckled.

"You have me there, my boy. I must say it is lucky you survived the crash. I'm afraid …"

"How in the hell did I survive anyway? We dove straight into a shed for fuck's sake!" Harry asked while interrupting.

" … to say that the others were not so lucky." Dumbledore continued as if he was never interrupted.

"You mean … they're dead?"

Dumbledore said nothing as he held his serious face in place. Then moments later, the man's stare broke, and he snickered.

"No, they're alive, my boy." The old then began to chuckle humorously. Harry wasn't laughing.

"What the absolute hell?! Are you fucking daft you ..."

"My apologies, Harry. Please excuse an old man for pulling pranks."

"YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME, DUMBLEDORE!"

"Yes, Harry, you are quite right. Let's get the boys back in here." Harry was still seething with rage as Dumbledore motioned for the three redheads to come into the living room. All three of them appeared to have smiling faces on.

"Great prank, Harry?" Fred asked.

"Yeah, Harry. It was Dumbledore's idea! Pretty good, huh?" George mentioned.

"We nearly had you going there, Harry." Ron said through his laughter. The other three men in the room joined in and all seemed to be having a great time. Harry gave all of them dagger eyes that could have killed anyone.

"No, it wasn't great you assholes. Someday soon, when I deem it necessary, I will make sure all four of you receive the most brutal of deaths from my bare fucking hands."

The laughter continued, and it was quite clear that no one had heard him.

"Okay, gentlemen. It appears we have had enough expense at Mr. Potter's hubris. Let's regroup."

"Finally." Harry muttered as the room quieted. "Can one of you four fucks now tell me what happened now? How did we not die? We went straight into a shed from hundreds of miles up!"

"Well my boy, as I said earlier, magic is capable of anything. Just before the four of you crashed into the ground, I was able to catch you and float you safely down. None of you hit the shed, thank Godric, but the shock of dying caused all four of you to pass out. Naturally, I got the four of you out of the car, cleaned you up from the stains on your clothes, and got you inside."

"Okay. Fine. But where is everyone else? Aren't the Weasleys supposed to be home or something? Better yet, why are you here Dumbledore?"

"Alas, my dear boy, the rest of the Weasleys are visiting the Lovegood family a few miles from here. I simply dropped by hoping to talk to Arthur and Molly, but after learning they were not home, I decided to stay and make myself comfortable." The old man got up and went over to the fridge. "Does anyone want some butterbeer? There seems to be a few bottles inside!" The boys all declined.

"Wow you sure do make yourself at home don't you old man? He probably crashes every party in the wizarding world for the sake of free food." Harry thought.

"Oh well. I suppose I could take a swig of butterbeer, even though it has been quite some time." As soon as the old man grabbed the drink, he chugged it down in a matter of seconds as if he was at a keg party. Then smashed the glass bottle on to the floor. "Oh yes! That is the good stuff, right there. I will definitely have to get some more at Hogwarts"

"Professor Dumbledore?"

"Yes, Harry?"

"Shouldn't the rest of the Weasleys be back by now? I mean it is pretty late and …" At that moment the back door opened and in came four redheads that Harry was quite familiar with. Percy, Ginny, Arthur, and Molly Weasley were quite surprised when they saw that Harry and Dumbledore were present. The parents rushed over to the boy, with the other two close behind.

"Hello, Harry dear! I'm glad we have officially met now." Mrs. Weasley said as she engulfed him in a hug.

"That's a bit too tight, Mrs. Weasley." She didn't let go. "Okay get the fuck off of me you fat tomato."

"Harry! It's wonderful to meet you!" Mr. Weasley said as Harry finally got out of the clutches of his wife's arms. He gave the boy a handshake, which was much more acceptable in Harry's eyes.

"Good to see you again, Harry." Percy said while sounding as uncaring as possible. Obviously he had other things on his mind. Like the Ministry of Magic for example. Harry knew he was trying to work there by any means necessary thanks to the information in Ginny's letters.

"Yeah whatever, pinhead." the boy muttered.

"HARRY! YOU'RE HERE!" The smallest redhead said as she ran over to the boy, hugged him, and nearly tackled him to the ground. The rest of the Weasleys laughed except for Ron

"Uh .. Hi .. Ginny. It's great to see you." He said while trying not to sound too embarrassed. He was clearly trying to hide the fact that he had a bit of a crush on her, but it wasn't working too well.

"Oi! What are you doing being friends with my sister?"

"Shut up, Ron."

"Okay fine. But no funny business."

"I'm 12, Ron! And she's 11! For fuck's sake, what do you think we could possibly do!"

"No funny business. I mean it, Harry."

"I'll show you funny business when I shove your head up your ass, you swine." Harry muttered under his breath. Ginny giggled. It was at this moment that the boy realized he was still being hugged by her. He didn't really mind, but he needed to get her off so it didn't look too weird.

"You can let go now, Ginny."

"Oh .. sorry! I'm just glad you're here." she said with a big smile as she removed herself. "I'm so glad you're here in person instead of us just writing letters. This is much better."

"Yeah .. I .. I agree."

A loud coughing noise suddenly broke out in the kitchen, and it was clearly Dumbledore trying to get some attention as he was not noticed whatsoever by the Weasleys.

"Oh don't mind me. I'm just here in the background." the old wizard drawled.

"Oh! My mistake Dumbledore! Good to see you again!" Mr. Weasley said as he came over to greet the man. "Why are you here, if you don't mind me asking?"

"I came to make sure that you all are having a pleasant summer and to say that there are going to be some great changes at Hogwarts. We are getting a very famous professor to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts this year, and I wanted you all to know it is none other than Gilderoy Lockhart." Mrs. Weasley and Ginny both squealed, while the rest of the men, except Harry, were excited. Ron even screamed like a raving fangirl.

"Who is Gilderoy Lockhart?"

"You don't know who Gilderoy Lockhart is, Harry?"

"I just said that a minute ago, Percy. Why don't you clear the shit out of your ears and listen next time." Ginny giggled again.

"That's the second time she laughed at one of my comments. Can Ginny hear me swear? If so, I need to figure out why she is the only one. Well, she and Voldemort I mean." Harry thought.

"Harry, Mr. Lockhart is one of the bravest wizards alive! He's taken down werewolves while fixing his hair!"

"And slapping vampires with a feather duster, and lived to tell the tale!"

"And discovering a new species of troll in the Himalayas!"

"Okay okay, I get it! He's done a lot of things but they're no big deal. Also, his achievements seem incredibly far fetched, but I'll hold my opinion for now. If he actually did do all of those things, then great. If not, then I'll have no problem proving how big of a fucking fraud he is."

Dumbledore coughed again. Harry clearly noticed that the old fool really doesn't like it when people don't pay that much attention to him.

"Yes, Gilderoy Lockhart will be the new professor this year. I do wish you all a great rest of the summer, and I also want to thank you for the butterbeer."

"What butterbeer, Albus?" Mrs. Weasley asked.

"Nothing! See you all soon!" he said as he flooed away faster than anyone could have ever imagined.

"Well, that was some great news, huh kids? I expect you all to learn a thing or two from Professor Lockhart."

"Mr. Weasley, I think you all are going a little insane over this guy."

"Okay children time for bed!" Harry's comment was brushed over like it was nothing.

"Yes, mum" most of the Weasley kids said.

"But mum I'm hungry!"

"You've already had supper, Ronald. Your stomach will survive until morning. Now head to sleep. It's been quite a long day." Ron grunted all the ay up the stairs.

Harry was led upstairs to the room he was sharing with Ron while the rest of the kids went to their rooms to get some sleep. The first thing that Harry realized about Ron, was that he was a filthy pig who clearly had a problem with cleaning his room. This was something he picked up about the redhead's character at school, but here it was at a whole new level. The second thing he noticed was that the walls in the room had posters of the Chudly Cannons. Apparently they were some sort of Quidditch team that Ron had mentioned before. They always came in dead last every year during the World Cup. Why Ron worshiped them, Harry will never know. Harry brought his things over near his bed and tried his best to not get it on something sticky that was on the floor.

"Yuk! You better not get my stuff dirty, Ron. If anything happens to my stuff while I'm here, your family won't be able to know where your body is located."

"Do you like my room, Harry?"

"NO. It's a fucking pigsty in here! How can you live like this? Also, your taste in decor is borderline insane."

"I'm sleepy. Goodnight Harry." The boy said and then literally, no more than 5 seconds later, he passed out in a deep sleep with loud snoring that could easily wake the entire house.

"You have got to be fucking kidding me. There is no way I can sleep if THAT is going on."

Harry opened up his luggage to grab a few of his socks and tied them together into a ball. When he was sure it was big enough to stuff it into Ron's fat mouth, Harry jammed the sock ball into his "friend's" mouth. The snoring stopped instantly, and thankfully, Ron did not wake up. He just continued sleeping as if nothing ever happened in the first place.

"You really are a simple oaf aren't you, Ron?" Harry shook his head and then started to go to sleep in his bed. The first night of being at the Weasleys was over, and now all he had to do was survive until school started.