Harry Potter's Happy Hogwarts Adventures!
Disclaimer: I own Harry Potter. Instead of working on the books I post fan fiction hear instead. Yep. I'm J.K. Rowling. Not.

The summer before Harry's 6th year at Hogwarts was completely and totally uneventful, if you don't count the copious amounts of mayonaisse splattered everywhere due to the "incident." So, while getting on the train to Hogwarts, he was left out of Ron and Hermione's conversation about what they did over the summer. Ron had gone to Romania to visit his brother Charlie and gotten his one of his testicles bitten off by a dragon. Hermione had went to visit her Aunt and Uncle from the foreign land of Texas, where she had eaten so many barbecue sandwiches that her stomach had ruptured.

As the train slowed down near Hogwarts, Harry could hear first-years screaming for their moms and other crap. Harry was sure that he hadn't acted that idotically his first year. Then again, he had been stoned off his ass at least two-thirds of the year, and could barely remember a fucking thing from that time. All the remembered was something about some rock or something.

After Dumbledore's speech, which included a bit of profanity and some graphic nudity, Harry and tha' crew ate their dinner. Hermione began complaining about how hard the house-elves had to work, and Ron had to shut her up by giving her a book. That stupid bitch will read anything if it sits still long enough. Harry had his share of fun by smearing refried beans in Neville's hair. After the feast Neville died of completely unrelated causes. Yeah, right. More like "died due to being a big fucking wimp who can't take a measly fucking joke."

Then Harry went up to bed, where he found that Dean and Seamus were no longer attending Hogwarts. It seems that, being the fucking retard he was, Dean had stapled himself to a bus. This resulted in Dean getting splattered all over the pavement as the staples that held him up came loose. Seamus, upon hearing of Dean's untimely demise, had moved to America to get his mind off things. And eat tacos.

The next morning Harry went down to breakfast, where Hermione was shoving condoms into her mouth. Harry asked her what she was doing, and in response he got, "Hmmphllmph Blllphmm Illflbfb." Harry decided not to persue the subject further, and went to transfiguration without eating anythin.

In transfiguration, Harry had to transfigure Ron into a squirrel. He sucked balls so much that he managed to kill Ron. It wouldn't have been so bad, except that McGonagall gave him a detention and told him he would have to clean all the blood and organs off the wall, without magic.

This left Harry feeling pretty pissed off, so he just skipped History of Magic, which was the most pathetic waste of time ever devised by mankind, and went outside. While outside, he ran into Hagrid, who was running from something. A few seconds later, a midget hispanic dude with an afro came running after him with a huge fucking chainsaw. Harry could summarize his thoughts in one word: Shit.

While walking back to school, Harry saw Luna, who was getting mauled to death with a huge sledgehammer coming down from the sky. Harry presumed that she was getting punished by God for something or other. Probably something to do with the huge fucking load of crack she was getting from Colombia every day in the mail. Harry ran back to the castle as fast as his fucking weak little gets would carry him, to avoid the body parts being splattered in all directions.

However, just before reaching the door, Harry witnessed Dobby take a piece of Luna's now dismembered body and eat it. Harry threw up all over the ground and then fell unconcious into the puddle of his extremely chunky vomit.

Nobody looked for Harry for 2 weeks, at which point Hermione was slightly worried so she decided to go look for him. Upon getting to Harry's cold, pale body, Hermione levitated him up to the hospital wing. Madame Pomfrey knew exactly what to do to wake Harry up. She stuck a live mouse up his ass. The tickling sensation immediately woke Harry up, at which point Harry grabbed the now shit-covered mouse and chucked it at the wall. Hermione was covered with mouse parts. Harry started to say sorry but Hermione just kicked him in the balls and stormed off.

That night Harry limped back to the common room, his testicles still feeling the effects of Hermione's kick. He found Lavender's body behind a couch, and threw it out the window. The thought never crossed his mind that she might have been murdered by Voldemort. Which it turns out she had, along with almost all of the first thru fourth years, as well as the seventh years. Harry spent the entire fucking night finding mangled dead bodies and throwing them out the window rather than sleeping like fucking a normal person. Christ.

The next day was Harry's detention. Cleaning all the parts of Ron off the walls was long, tedious work. It also didn't help that Dobby was humping his leg and panting. Finally, after 4 hours, McGonagall said he could go back to the common room. Just as he was about to say the password to enter the common room, a dementor came out and sucked out his soul. It looked like all hope of killing Voldemort had been lost. Which it had. The world was fucked beyond belief. Nothing could stop Voldemort now.

Not even puppies. They just provided food for the ever-hungry death eaters, which now numbered in the hundreds of thousands. Anybody not on the dark side was immediately discovered and slaughtered in a brutal fashion. The world was overcome by evil. All hope for mankind was flushed down the fucking toilet. Which makes this a good place to end my story.

THE END