Disclaimer: I do not own the Fate franchise it belongs to Kinoko Nasu and Type-Moon. I also do not own the Megami Tensei franchise, it belongs to Atlus.

Disclaimer: this story is pure crack. Read at your own risk, the author will not take responsibility for instances of RAGE provoked by this work.

Upping the Ante

Prologue

It was very dark in the Matou basement. Very dark, darker than usual, in fact, actually there was no light whatsoever. It was also very quiet. As in really quiet.

Until now that is.

For about a moment or so.

A quick series of popping sounds, that of air being suddenly and inexplicably displaced, loudly echoed through the basement. They were accompanied by the briefest but utterly-dazzling display of every color in the spectrum of visible light known, along with a million shades of color both possible and impossible in reality, and would have driven most people mad. Keyword being 'most', of course.

And then there was silence. And darkness. Again.

...

…

…

…

…

"It's very dark in here."

"…understatement, much? Still, it shouldn't be this dark, or at least I think I remember there was the littlest bit of light in this place. Then again, I could be wrong, it's been what, ten, twenty years?"

"Technically it's only been one year in this plane."

"Oh yeah."

There was a crackling sound, and then harsh, actinic light lit up the basement, and sending shadows flaring. It came from a ball of zio in one of the new arrivals' hand, said arrival looking around with renewed interest along with her companion.

"Oh wow," the fairy-like creature with red hair and wearing a purple leotard with matching stockings and long gloves commented. "This place looks like a magatsuhi factory."

"…yeah," the Human said with a nod, and looking at the rusting cage hanging from the ceiling on likewise rusting chains. "No wait, now that I think about it, this was a magatsuhi factory. If a very primitive and inefficient one. Well, well, well, maybe this plane isn't so primitive after all. Maybe in a few years, they'll be ready to learn about all the wonders of greater creation!"

"Your sarcasm is very fine." Pixie – the fairy – said.

"I wasn't being sarcastic." Sakura Matou - the Human – said. "Okay with the last sentence I was, but I was perfectly serious with everything that came before it, and partly was with the last bit."

"Hmm…true," Pixie said. "Even if those Messian meddlers poke their noses into this place, so will we, so it comes out as even I guess."

"Nothing to lose just trying," Sakura said with a shrug. "And if even just a single person accepts the message of freedom, then it's all worth it in the end."

The fairy nodded and flew around from beside Sakura to hover in front of her. "So," Pixie began. "What now?"

"Let's get to work, of course." Sakura said. "Can you take care of the light? I need both hands for this."

"Okay."

Sakura's zio went out, but Pixie lit up her own zio, and providing light for the Human to work with. "Let's see," Sakura began, taking a folded piece of paper from inside her coat, and opening it began to read the instructions therein. "Step one, throw the glass ball provided onto flat ground. Okay, simple enough."

Reaching into her coat again, Sakura pulled out a ball of glass with a small sphere of shadow in its middle, and threw it on the ground. The glass broke, the shadow inside spilling out to draw a magic circle on the ground.

"I'm still not sure why we're even going to play by their rules." Pixie began. "I mean, we could have this job done in a night and be back home by morning you know."

"Oh yes," Sakura agreed with a nod, and looking up from the paper. "But as you said, we're playing by their rules."

"Huh?"

"We could finish this in one night, but that's boring." Sakura said with a grin. "I mean, it's not like Ahriman gave us a time limit for this job, so long as we actually do it. So in the meantime, why don't we enjoy playing with this toy Takao-san provided us for this job, and mess around with everyone involved in this 'Fourth Holy Grail War'. They need to lighten up anyway, from what I remember this bunch are all too serious about small and petty things."

"Oh! I see what you mean!" Pixie said happily, flying around her contractor with delight. "What's the point in being given a toy if we don't play around with it?"

"And we get to do a good deed along the way too, teaching all these small and petty people to stop being so stuffy and to actually enjoy life as they should!"

"That too!"

The two dimensional travelers shared a laugh, and then Sakura returned to the printed instructions. "Step two," she read aloud. "Take the box with the catalyst, and place it in the circle. Centered not necessary, just put in circle."

Shrugging, Sakura reached into her coat, pulled out a small box, and tossed it into the circle. "Step three," she read. "Read the following spell out loud."

Sakura narrowed her eyes at the instruction, and then shrugging did as instructed. "Let silver and steel be the essence." She began, ignoring how the shadows flared and then began to glow an angry red with magatsuhi. "Let stone and the Archduke of Contracts be the foundation. Let rise a wall against the wind that shall fall. Let the four cardinal gates close. Let the three-forked road from the crown reaching unto the Kingdom rotate. Let it be declared now: your flesh shall serve under me, and my fate shall be with your sword. Submit to the beckoning of the Holy Grail. Answer, if you would submit to this will and truth. An oath shall be sworn here: I shall attain all virtues of all of Heaven, and I shall have dominion over all evils of all of Hell. Yet you shall serve with your eyes clouded by chaos, for you would be one caged in madness, and I shall wield your chains. From the Seventh Heaven, attended to by three great words of power, come forth from the ring of restraint, Protector of the Holy Balance!"

As burning red light filled the basement, drowning out the actinic light of zio, Pixie looked deadpan at Sakura. "That is quite ironic, considering who we are." She said.

"No kidding," Sakura replied, just as deadpan. "I've been to Hell, it's not so bad. Sure there are assholes and creeps and outright villains there, but there are just as many normal folks there, even great ones too. And even the…'bad guys', are honest about it at least. I've never been to Heaven, and I don't want to. I'm quite fine with being Human, maybe even becoming a demon one day, but I'd rather not get lobotomized into an unfeeling and unthinking angel, seeing as that's what it's going to take to be able to come and go from Heaven on a regular basis."

Pixie nodded sagely and in a somewhat pompous manner in agreement. And then both turned back to the magic circle as an ominous presence filled the room, the burning red light vanishing and allowing the actinic light of zio to resurface…along with a strange, flickering 3D effect coming from the armored figure before them.

Said armored figure roared a muffled roar that vaguely sounded like a name, arms stretching out to either side and head drawn back. Sakura used a pinky to clear out an ear. "Well," she said. "He's enthusiastic at least."

Pixie nodded in agreement. "I can't wait to play with him." She said with a grin. "He seems to be a really interesting toy, now that we actually see him instead of Takao just telling us about him. Oh?"

Berserker – the armored figure/Servant – stared belligerently at them, only for Sakura to return the stare with icy blue eyes. For several moments the contest of wills lasted, and then Berserker subsided with a sullen growl.

"Yeah, that's what I thought." Sakura said, taking her peaked cap off and twirling it with a hand while dismissing Berserker with her other hand. The Servant vanished into astral form, and after a few more moments Sakura replaced her peaked cap. "Trying to browbeat me down with a stare? Come on, I've looked at Archangels in the eyes before, what's a failed knight by comparison?"

"Be fair now," Pixie said before giggling at the comparison. "Though I admit it is funny, thinking a toy could actually be a threat."

Sakura nodded sagely, before turning to take her luggage by the handle and pulling it along the rough ground towards the stairs. "Let's go pixie…" she said before cursing. "Damn it, I hate taking stairs with a bag."

"Why not just jump?" Pixie pointed out.

Sakura actually froze, and then nodded quickly. "I can do that." She said, before picking up her luggage…and jumped from the bottom of the staircase up on the landing in one leap. "There we go."

Placing her bag on the ground, Sakura tried to open the doors, only to find them locked. "Figures," she said, before stepping back and simply kicking the door clear off its hinges. "Better,"

Stepping out into the darkened corridor beyond, they looked around, Pixie still providing light with her zio. "Now then, how do we get out of this place?" Sakura muttered.

"We could always just blow holes through the walls until we reach the outside." Pixie offered.

"Hmm…tempting, but not very polite to the people who live here – if people still live here – and we've already vandalized their basement, not to mention trespassing…"

"You do realize this is your house, right?"

"Yeah…it technically is," Sakura said uncomfortably while scratching her head. "But I barely spent a couple of hours – less I think – here before uncle and Miss Ferre picked me up so…"

Sakura trailed off and shrugged, before leading the way down the corridor. "Besides," she said. "Trying to find our way out the normal way is an adventure in its own way, isn't it?"

"A very dull adventure," Pixie commented. "But I see what you mean."

Sakura turned a corner…and promptly dropped prone by instinct moments before the shotgun carried by a haggard-looking man with wavy violet hair erupted loudly, and splattering the wall with shot. "Zio!" Sakura said from the ground, a bolt of lightning striking the man and sending him flying, down the corridor and through a wall, leaving him unconscious on the ground surrounded by rubble.

Sakura and Pixie rushed forward, and regarded the unconscious man with slight interest. "Who's this?" the latter asked.

"Hmm…I think…yeah…this man…is my stepdad, or was supposed to be…except…" Sakura mumbled, and twirling her peaked cap with one hand. "He wasn't around for the past ten or so years of my life, so…"

Sakura shrugged. "Oh well," she said, replacing her peaked cap on her head. "Let's go Pixie.'

"Can't we just stay here?" Pixie asked, flying over to sit on Sakura's shoulder. "It's pretty big, and it looks comfortable enough. We could even renovate that magatsuhi factory underground, and turn it into the real thing."

"Not a big fan of magatsuhi factories, for all that I don't cause trouble with the ones who run them…" Sakura muttered before smiling at Pixie. "Besides, this place is kind of obvious, isn't it? I mean, we're just playing around, but we shouldn't make it too easy for the other players, right?"

Pixie nodded. "Yup!" she said. "We're already giving them a big handicap as it is, so anything more is more than pushing it."

"Exactly!"

It took them a few more minutes, but eventually Pixie and Sakura were standing out on the street in front of the Matou property (after having kicked the gates down and leaving them a battered chunk of iron lying on the ground). "Okay," Pixie said, hovering in front of Sakura. "Now what?"

"First, we need to find a place for the night."

"And then?"

Sakura grinned. "Let's go have some fun!" she said, and Pixie gushed.

"YAY!"

A/N

First, I suppose you guys need an explanation: it's almost Christmas, and there are drinking parties almost every night after work. And mixing up alcohol with lack of sleep, and hard days at work, makes for strange thinking. So much so in fact, that I'm thinking I've been going about about this the wrong way.

Lightening up the Butcher and the Mushroom's masterpieces is the usual way to go, or generally just going with the flow. Then I suddenly thought, what if actually lightening them up isn't really working out, and instead we ought to darken things that it becomes like second to fourth edition 40k, i.e. so dark that you can't take it seriously and it all becomes one big joke?

And the result? This. Take an already dark setting at one of its darkest, and add an even darker setting, and see how far it goes.

Still, I'll admit this isn't everyone's cup of tea, and I've already admitted it's the product of the twin hazes of exhaustion and alcohol, so I won't hold it against you if you won't like it. I'm enjoying it though, and am already laughing at how the protagonists (and their background) are already joking around with the setting.