Possibly. Likely. Definitely.
A/N: Supercorp. Kara/Lena. Post the 5x13 balcony scene where Kara tells Lena she'll stop her if she continues working with Lex.
And you think this might be the worst you've ever felt.
Worse than the day you lost your mother and realized you would never again feel her arms around you; worse than the day you realized belonging to the Luthor family meant no real family at all, unfortunately, undeniably, and irreparably, ever; worse than watching your brother being eaten alive by his obsession and hate right before your very eyes and being positively powerless to stop it; worse than the numerous times your life has been in danger; worse than pulling that trigger; worse than falling in love with your best friend; worse than the hurt and betrayal of finding out the truth about Kara and Supergirl; worse than the hatred that engulfs your very soul on a near constant basis.
It's fear, maybe. Possibly. Likely. Definitely.
Fear.
Utter fear that shakes you to your very core that you're left gasping, sputtering, positively dying in its wake.
You want to call her back, you want to beg her for forgiveness because you know, you know absolutely, wholly, positively, how she has fought for you.
You are apprised of far too much, that you know for certain. You know she fights for you at every juncture, every crossroad, every turn. And you despair because why hadn't she told you before? Why now does she tell you how Supergirl fights for you? Why does she choose now to keep you informed of all the times Kara refuses to let you go? Why does Alex choose to tell you now? Why now when you already feel as though your heart has shattered into infinitesimal pieces lost in the multiverse? Why does Alex think now is a good time to bring you into the fold when you know she has staunchly been against letting anyone who posed any threat at all to her sister anywhere near the secret?
Your heart hurts. It hurts at what you know and what you wish you didn't, at what you aren't strong enough to know.
You should hear what she says about you, Lena. She had said. You should see how she defends you, how she fights for you. You should look into her eyes and see how deeply you're twisting that knife through her heart. The words are short, clipped, almost emotionless, matter of fact. You almost can't discern the anger she must be restraining but it's far too strong, far too intense, far too desperate not come through the lines.
And yet Supergirl has just left. Kara has just left, pulverizing what's left of a heart you didn't even know you still had.
It's not true. None of it is true anymore. Supergirl has given up. Kara has given up. You've pushed too hard, too far. You've pushed beyond what your friendship is capable of and it's all finally broken. And finally you're left alone again— the desolation of her betrayal, the blood on your hands, the hatred you're barely able to keep at bay, all paling in comparison to the utter pain you feel at the certainty of her loss.
Why did it have to be her? It could have been anybody but her. Why did she have to be Supergirl? Why did she have to be Kara? Why did she have to be your best friend? Why did it have to be her you'd fallen for so very very long ago and simply could not let go? Take even just one of it away and you think you wouldn't have had to break. Take just one away and you think you would've been able to stay afloat instead of remaining leaden, drowning in emotions you cannot even name.
You know there is fear. You know there is hatred. You know there is disappointment, desolation, misery, anger, and fury. And you think there may be love. Possibly. Likely. Definitely. Love.
You had looked into her eyes tonight, and you had seen confidence and resolve. You had seen steel and the bright yellow of the sun. There was no knife twisting at her heart like Alex had said. There were no promises, no fire, no apologia. It was the best of Supergirl, the best of Kara, the best of your best friend. Her goodness, her righteousness, her unwavering dedication to her principles and the greater good.
You really should have always known. You should have been able to tell. Not because her disguise was a pair of flimsy glasses and both had the same halo of blonde, but because all the good Supergirl has always embodied was all Kara was plus a massive ball of warmth pulled from all the worlds in the galaxy. You don't wonder how you could not have seen because you know having found out at any time would've wrecked you just the same.
You fell in love with her the moment she walked through your office doors. Name then still unknown, your heart leapt and fell, and there was no choice, no control, no question or acquiescence on your part. It had leapt and it had fallen and you'd been falling ever since.
You think you've done pretty well, façade after façade of control, even in the days when the very essence of your nightmares come out to play in the brightness of the sun. You've kept the façade of a semblance of control even when in truth you've always been powerless to the shadows that have kept you shackled. You have fought day in and out, to be strong, to be good. You have fought against greed and envy and hate and though difficult, you have mostly been successful. And you think to have been close to Kara, to have met her and have had her light in your life was your reward. And it would keep you focused on the right path, it would keep you strong and good however desperately the shadows clawed and pulled at you.
Kara had been your hope. Your one good, unbreakable, untarnishable light.
And then it had all gone to hell.
In those brief moments, with a few well chosen words, you world had crumbled and you think you must have died.
You're wrong of course. Your world may have crumbled, your heart may have shattered, your very soul must've been through all the seven circles, but nothing compares to having her walk away from you the way she has tonight.
You think it's the end.
Possibly. Likely. Definitely.
It's the end, you think, and still you can't fathom how to stop falling.