Chapter 1

"What?"

Two mugs of coffee fell to the floor, smashing on the concrete, their steaming contents splashing onto the highly polished shoes of Ianto Jones. Normally he would have been annoyed at the mess made, but what he'd just heard made him oblivious to the hot liquid slowly soaking into the edges of his neatly pressed suit trousers.

"It's positive." Jack waved a white plastic stick in the air. A nervous smile holding his lips curved in a hopeful expression as he could virtually see the steam coming from Ianto's nostrils.

"What?" The glare was sufficiently piercing to cut through the thick atmosphere which had descended around the sofa upon which Jack was sitting.

"Look – this one here – two blue bands - positive and this one ... and this one…" Jack fished out a variety of indicator sticks from his pockets and laid them out on the low table in front of him. He was beginning to wish he'd waited for Ianto to sit down before breaking the news to him.

"Fuck."

"Yeah." The smile deserted Jack's face as he could see that Ianto wasn't going to be jumping for joy any time soon.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me." Ianto shook his head as he found himself unable to tear his eyes away from the evidence laid out before him.

"Trust me – I'm not. Sit down, Ianto, before you fall over."

"But-"

"Yeah?"

"You're a bloke!"

"And?"

"Blokes don't get pregnant unless they're still women, or they absorbed their own twin brother while they were still in the womb - you know, like on those documentaries on Channel 5."

"You don't watch those do you?"

"Just for research," Ianto quickly tried to defend his inadvertent admission to watching trashy TV shows. "Some of the freakier examples could be aliens –"

"Are you calling me a freak?" Jack growled – memories of the Master's use of that word to describe him still sharp in his memories.

"Are you telling me you're pregnant?" Ianto countered acerbically.

"Sit down, please." Jack patted the seat next to him and was relieved when Ianto sat down, even if he made sure they weren't actually touching. "Yes, I am telling you that I'm pregnant."

"What made you decide to take a test anyway?" Ianto pointed at the table in front of them.

"Belt was getting a bit tight – had to go onto the next notch." Jack shrugged as if that should have been self explanatory.

"And you didn't put that down to excess pie consumption? You've been stuffing your face with doughnuts and pastries since you got back."

"I don't put on weight," Jack said truculently, his lips quivering on the verge of an indignant pout.

"Excuse me, who buys your clothes for you?" Ianto rolled his eyes. He knew that since Jack had returned his waist had definitely got thicker and he'd bought new trousers the next size up to accommodate Jack's weight gain.

"The sizing – it's not consistent anymore …"

"OK – so you're beginning to what– show?" Ianto found it odd using phrases associated with women's gossip in direct reference to his male lover. "So, that must mean you're at least – what – three months?"

"Make that four", Jack winced as he watched Ianto grow paler by the minute. " – more abdominal muscle tone, it's further along than you'd imagine."

"Fuck – that means…"

"Yeah, too late to stop it now."

"How do I know it's mine?" Ianto turned sharply to look at Jack and narrowed his eyes.

"What does that mean?" Jack was hurt, but considering how he'd flirt with anything with a pulse, he could see how Ianto would feel the need to question the parentage of any child he was carrying.

"Well, you were on the TARDIS for a while – and maybe…"

"Are you suggesting that I …with the Doctor?" Jack laughed out loud, regardless of the outraged expression on Ianto's face.

"Oh please – if I had a pound for every time I heard you call out his name -"

"That's not the same – I was waiting for him for over a hundred years, we've been through this-"

"Context, Jack," Ianto pointed at Jack angrily. "There's one thing needing to find answers to your whole Captain Scarlet routine, but I can't imagine how that would translate into 'harder, Doctor… oh yeah…' I could go on, but I think you're catching my drift?"

"Ouch. Sorry?" Jack had genuinely thought that Ianto had never heard those slip ups, but apparently he had. Damn. "But, I…we … it never happened, OK? I promise."

Ianto ran his hand through his hair and considered the timing. Four months.

"So – this has happened since you got back from your travels."

"Yes. I swear to you, it's yours, I haven't let anyone else … you know …"

"Right then." Ianto took a deep breath and turned once more to look at Jack, determined not to let his eyes stray any where near the other man's abdomen. "How about an explanation? Because the last time I looked you just had a dick and balls like most blokes - there's nothing special lurking under your clothes."

"You wound me, Ianto – how can you say that?"

"Put it this way – you haven't got tits and certainly no more than the usual openings – bloody hell, I do know what you've got down there and apart from a little less hair, your tackle's no different from mine!"

"It's bigger!"

"No it's not – OK, maybe it's a bit thicker, but mine's longer!"

"Tape measure!"

"You cheated! Length is measured from the base, not the underside!"

Both men glared at each other, neither wanting to back down. Eventually Jack looked away and breathed out slowly before broaching a subject he knew had to be tackled.

"I'm kinda hermaphrodite. I've got female genitalia as well – inside."

"Why? Some sort of 51st century fashion accessory? Are you an alien after all?"

"No, it's not like that, although I think maybe alien DNA was used. In the future there will be a programme of genetic programming for individuals destined to colonise distant planets. Colony ships of cryogenically stored individuals will be sent out to star systems containing planets capable of supporting human life. In order to populate communities rapidly and reduce the risks of inbreeding, it will be deemed beneficial if each individual selected for the programme can both father offspring and carry them."

"So these ships were – I mean will be – full of men with wombs? Or women with penises?" Ianto tried to get his head around the idea and frowned as he tried to make sense of it all. "Why not just send out a bunch of women with a freezer full of donated sperm samples?"

Jack smiled indulgently and decided that it wasn't the time to explain that the nuances of the society in which he'd been brought up.

"Actually – they were all anatomically male in appearance with internal female genitalia. Don't ask why. Anyway, some of their children born were female, some male and others hermaphrodite like their parents."

"And you - ?"

"I was born on a colony planet, as a hermaphrodite."

"Fuck." Ianto's head hit the back of the sofa with a thud, emphasising his reaction to Jack's revelation.

"Is that all you can say?" Jack was beginning to despair of Ianto's monosyllabic responses. They never boded well.

"So – when were you going to mention this?"

"I'm telling you now." Jack shrugged.

"What? I think it's a bit bloody late to be telling me this now!" Ianto scrunched up his eyes and then sat bolt upright and fixed Jack with an accusatory glare. "Hang on - you told me we didn't need to use condoms!"

"We didn't! The levels of oestrogen in the rain are usually more than enough to –"

"What the fuck?" This time Ianto looked as if he was about to explode with rage. "Are you now trying to tell me that you've been relying on getting rained on as a contraceptive? No wonder you settled in Wales!"

"I only needed very low concentrations to prevent ovulation –"

"The Pill?" Ianto interjected sarcastically. "I know it's not foolproof, but I imagine its efficiency is pretty high compared to standing on a roof with your mouth open waiting for it to bloody rain!"

"It's always worked in the past-" Jack paused as he took a good look at Ianto, who was showing all the signs of someone about to go into shock. "You're not dealing with this too well are you?"

"No, I'm not and I'm not going to apologise either – an unplanned, unexpected pregnancy puts most normal men of my age into a tailspin and I claim my right to act freaked out and panicked – is that alright with you?"

Ianto's voice had risen in volume and pitch sufficiently that Jack could tell that the question was rhetorical and didn't require a response.

"So, where do we go from here?"

"Right now, I'm going home and I'm going to get rat arsed – so fucking drunk, even Owen would be proud of me." Ianto stood up, tugged his jacket straight and smoothed his trousers. "Then, when I regain consciousness, possibly on the bathroom floor, maybe this will all have been a fucking awful nightmare sparked off by one too many of your outrageous stories."

"Ianto – you can't go!" Jack reached out, but failed to catch hold of Ianto before he walked away from the sofa and made a beeline for the exit.

"Watch me. This is me leaving – don't call me, don't come by the flat – just … don't."

With that, Ianto strode purposefully towards the cog wheel door not looking back once. If he had, he would have seen Jack sadly biting his lip as he unbuckled his belt, popped open the button to his trousers and gently rubbed his growing belly.

"That could have gone better. Don't worry, he'll come to terms with this – you wait and see, he's just a bit overwhelmed, that's all."