Title: The Ill-Fated Wedding of Lex Luthor and Dr. Helen Bryce

Rating: PG-13

Category: Humor/Parody

Spoilers: Pilot, Duplicity, Dichotic, Visage, Fever, Calling, Exodus.

A/N: Exodus was really depressing and I decided to lighten things up. I also just finished a book of short plays by Christopher Durang, so if none of this makes sense, I blame him.

~*~The Ill-Fated Wedding of Lex Luthor and Dr. Helen Bryce~*~

or

~Subtext in the Afternoon~

A Comedy in Two Acts

Act 1

Split scene. Helen in the bridal chamber with Martha, Lana, and Chloe. Lex in the groom room with Clark, Jonathan, and Pete. (Hey, the bride gets a chamber. Why can't the groom have a room?) Helen and Martha are putting the finishing touches on Helen's hair and makeup. Lana is looking dreamily at herself in her bridesmaid dress in the mirror and Chloe is putting new batteries into her digital camera. Jonathan and Pete are playing Egyptian Rat Screw (which is a card game, by the way) and Clark and Lex pace nervously. All the men are in tuxedos. The switches between the men and women are frequent and fast, so bear with me.

Helen: Oh, Mrs. Kent, I'm so excited to become Mrs. Lex Luthor.

Martha: Lex really is a wonderful man. And please, call me Martha. You'll be my daughter-in-law soon.

Helen: I'm sorry?

Martha: Oh, wait, you're marrying Lex. I keep getting him confused with Clark. They spend so much time together.

Helen: You know, I've been meaning to talk to you about that…

~*~

Lex: Okay. Flowers, music, ring… (Suddenly panicked.) Clark, you have the ring, don't you?!

Clark: For the third time yes! Don't worry, Lex. Everything is going to be fine.

Lex: I'm sorry, I guess I'm a little on edge. It's not every day you get married, you know.

Clark: Right. Actually, now that we're on the subject of your wedding, I was kind of wondering—

Jonathan slaps the cards loudly.

Pete: Ow! Mr. Kent, that was my hand!

Jonathan: Well, it shouldn't have been in my way. I was trying to slap the double.

Pete: I already slapped it. Why do you think my hand was there?

They continue to bicker.

Lex: (Still pacing.) I'm sorry, Clark, did you say something?

Clark: (Sadly.) No. I was just thinking out loud I guess.

~*~

Blinding white flash in the bridal chamber. Martha and Helen both flinch.

Helen: Chloe, do you have to keep taking my picture? I'll be blind by the time I get to the aisle.

Chloe: You knew when you invited me that I'd be covering the wedding for the Torch. Besides every bride needs to look a little dazed. It adds to the effect. Isn't that right, Lana?

Lana: (As if trying to convince Chloe of something that isn't true.) Right. That's right, Chloe. Dazed. Absolutely.

Chloe: See?

Helen: Well, go practice on Lana then. You can take my picture when I finish my hair.

Chloe: Okay, fine.

Chloe starts snapping Lana's picture. Lana seems to be annoyed, but poses for each flash.

Helen: (To Martha.) Mrs. Kent, I'm worried. Lex has been very distant lately. I think he's keeping things from me.

Martha: Now, Helen, he's just nervous for the big day. And I thought I told you to call me Martha.

Helen: I'm marrying Lex, not Clark.

Martha: Right. Well, we all keep secrets, Helen. It doesn't mean that Lex doesn't love you.

Helen: That's just it. I think the secret he's keeping is that he doesn't love me.

Martha: Oh my, that is a pickle.

Helen: Things were going fine until I looked at Clark's blood and found out he was an alien.

Martha: SSSsssshhhh!!! (Turns around to see if Chloe and Lana heard. They are still oblivious.) Ix-nay on the alien-ay.

Helen: What?

Martha: (Winking this time.) Ix-nay on the alien-ay.

Helen: Mrs. Kent, are you all right?

Martha: (Losing patience, whispering forcefully.) Chloe and Lana don't know Clark's an alien, okay?

Helen: (As if she's just heard a juicy piece of gossip.) Really?

Martha: You didn't know?

Helen: I guess I figured everyone knew about him. I knew something was off the first time Clark and I met.

Martha: How?

Helen: Well, when a high school student looks like he's 25, there's obviously something weird going on.

Martha: 25?! (Forced laughter.) Clark doesn't look a day over 12. I don't know what you could possibly mean. There is nothing abnormal about my son, absolutely nothing.

Helen: Mrs. Kent, I already know, remember?

Martha: Sorry, force of habit.

~*~

Lex: What about the limo? Did you tell the driver which hotel we're going to?

Clark: I thought you were going straight to the private jet.

Lex: Damn! I knew I'd forgotten something.

Clark: Lex, I really need to talk to you. I—

Jonathan: Damn it, Pete, I told you we weren't slapping jack-tens this time!

Pete: That was a ten-jack!

Jonathan: Same thing!

Pete: Like you have room to complain. I'm the one who has an imprint of your wedding ring on the back of my hand.

Lex: The ring! Clark, did you remember the ring?!

Clark: Yes, I have the ring, Lex, now listen to me!

Lex: (Seriously.) What is it, Clark? Is something wrong?

Clark: (Rolling his eyes.) Never mind.

Lex: No, Clark tell me. You're the first real friend I've ever had. If something's bothering you I want to know.

Clark: (Pause.) It's about the wedding. And... us.

Lex: Oh no, the wedding! It's about to start! Did you bring my lucky vial of blood?

Clark: Uh, I didn't know I was supposed to.

Lex: Damn!

Pete: Damn!

Jonathan: Yes! Your jack is mine!

Clark: Wait, you have a lucky vial of blood?

~*~

FLASH!!!

Martha: Damn it, Chloe, what did we tell you about the camera?

Chloe: But Mrs. Kent, it's the wedding of the century! My readers are counting on me!

Martha: And Helen is counting on making it up the aisle, so please! And I thought I told you to call me Martha. After all you'll be my daughter-in-law in just a while.

Chloe: What?

Helen & Lana: What?

Martha: Wait. Lex is marrying Helen, not you.

Helen: And Lex isn't your son.

Martha: Right.

Lana: And Clark sure as hell isn't marrying Chloe.

Martha: Right. What?

Chloe: (Staring to cry.) He's not?

Lana: (Realizing.) I mean, uh... who knows what Clark will do? I certainly don't! All I know is that Clark and I are friends. Just friends.

Chloe: I hate you, Lana!

Lana: But, Chloe, I thought we were over this! Your friendship means the world to me. We're like sisters!

Chloe takes a picture, holding the flash right in Lana's eyes.

FLASH!

Lana: Ow!

Chloe: Serves you right.

FLASH!

Lana: Ow! Stop it!

Chloe: Never!

FLASH!

Lana: Ow!!!

Helen & Martha: Chloe!

~*~

Clark: Lex, I can't take it anymore! I have to tell you the truth!

Lex: The truth about what?

Clark: About me. And about my feelings for you.

Lex: Your feelings for me? Clark, what do you mean?

Clark: Are you sure you want to know?

Lex: Yes.

Jonathan: (To Pete.) No!

Clark: No?

Lex: Yes. Go ahead, Clark, just tell me.

Clark: Okay, here goes. Lex, I'm a—

Pete: Queen! That was a queen! The stack is mine!

Jonathan: Pete, anyone with eyes can see that was a king. Give it to me!

Lex: I'm sorry, Clark, I missed that last word.

Clark: (Getting frustrated.) Never mind that part. Helen will fill you in later. But I have to tell you about my feelings now. Lex… I'm in love with—

Jonathan: Jesus!

Lex: (Confused.) You're in love with Jesus?

Clark: No!

Pete: Yes!

Lex: I never took you for the religious type, Clark.

Clark: I'm not! (Realizes.) Dad, I'm trying to have a conversation here!

Jonathan: Yeah, well I just bet old Gertrude on this game, so hold your horses.

Lex: Old Gertrude?

Clark: Our tractor.

Lex: Oh.

Pete: No!

Jonathan: Yes!

Clark: Gah! Why did you invite those two?

Lex: I needed groomsmen.

Clark: And?

Lex: Well, I'm not exactly popular around here.

~*~

Chloe snoops through Helen's purse as Lana stumbles blindly around the bridal chamber.

Chloe: (To Helen.) So what'll your new name be?

Helen: Hmm?

Chloe: You know. Dr. Helen Bryce Luthor? Mrs. Lex Luthor, M.D.?

Helen: I guess I hadn't really thought about it.

Martha: What about Mrs. Dr. Bryce?

Chloe: Or Dr. Mrs. Luthor?

Lana: Or Mrs. Dr. Madame Alexander. (Bumps into a chair.) Ow.

Helen: Maybe I'll just keep my own name.

Chloe: Oh come on. There are so many possibilities! Lady Dr. Lex?

Lana: Mistress Helen of Luthor Medicine?

Martha: Mrs. Clark Kent?

Helen & Chloe & Lana: What?

Martha: Oh yeah. Damn.

The organ starts to play the Wedding March.

Martha: Helen, it's time! Are you ready?

Helen: No.

Chloe: Oh, who is these days? Come on, you're getting married!

Lana: Wait, I still can't see!

Martha: You don't need to see, Lana, you're just the flower girl.

~*~

Lex: (Hearing the music.) This is it! Clark, I just want to thank you for everything you've done for me. I'll never forget our friendship.

Clark: That sounds like a goodbye.

Lex: Sorry. Marriage just seems so final. Guys, are you ready?

Jonathan: Give me two more seconds!

Pete: Two seconds, my ass! This game can still turn around!

Jonathan: Don't bet on it, you little glory stealer.

Lex: Forget it. All I need is my best friend by my side anyway.

Clark: (Quietly.) That's what I've been trying to tell you.

Lex: What was that?

Clark: (Putting on a brave front.) Nothing. Let's go get you hitched.

They link arms and march out of the room.

~*~

Helen and Martha march out of the bridal chamber as Lana follows behind, holding onto Helen's train for dear life. Chloe runs circles around them taking pictures. They all squint against the bright flashes.

The organ music builds to a deafening volume and we fade to black.

End of Act 1.