A/N: So this has basically turned into my "I don't give a damn!" fic, where really anything goes and paying any kind of respect to the original storyline has basically suffered a massive aneurysm. When I'm tired of writing serious stuff, I find it relaxing to write completely silly and inane things. I'm trying to keep the chapters between 500 and 1000 words, hence the title. In case you've been living a normal life, not plugged into our virtual slave machine known as the internet, TL;DR stands for Too Long; Didn't Read. This has actually become an epidemic in the internet world, where people will actually take the time to click on a news story, or forum post just to leave a comment two seconds later saying they didn't bother to read it. In fact, I'm pretty sure you're not even reading this author's note anymore. Are you? You are? Why? Get on with the story!

TL;DR

A FF4 Novle

By SpacemanSpiff

Disclaimer: I do not approve this message.

Chp 1 – So Shiny!

So I killed a bunch of mages today and took a shiny crystal from them that supposedly has some pretty righteous powers. I guess I'm pretty conflicted about it, but this crystal is pretty damn shiny. I like shiny things. My armor, unfortunately, is not shiny. It's quite dark actually. My name is Cecil. Cecil Harvey. I'm a dark knight. Hence the dark armor.

Now my men are blathering about some monsters, but I just want to look at this shiny crystal. I have no idea why the soldier on his knees beside me is crying. What a baby.

"Back to your post, underling!" I shout at him, just as a Float Eye snatches him up and carries him off. Float Eyes. What strange monsters! They're just teeth, wings, claws, and one eye. How do they have any depth perception to adequately snatch anything?!

Anywho, I need to stop this incessant screaming from my men, so I put my shiny crystal away and draw my sword. It is not shiny. Why the hell did I ever become a dark knight? Why can't I be the knight in shining armor? Talk about your bad career moves. But this sword is pretty sweet. It cuts pretty much anything. Float Eyes. Imps. The onions for my sandwiches. Not pudding, though. Or jelly, for that matter.

Where was I? Oh right, the Float Eyes that have already eaten half of my crew. So I slice 'em up real nice, just like the pastrami I had on the way to Mysidia. So good! But then this Zu comes along, and now I'm thinking dinner plans. A rack of those ribs would be mighty good when I get home.

So I take care of the beasts on my own, as usual. Worthless NPCs. Now they want me to give some speech about why we're doing all of this. I just want to eat some Zu and look at this shiny crystal. But they won't stop harassing me, so I stand at the fore and come up with something that will hopefully shut them up.

"The King is nuts, everyone. That is all."

The silence that follows is like music to my ears. I go back to my cabin, dragging this damned bird across the deck as I go. Everyone just stares. Why the hell won't they help me carry this thing? Maybe I should have offered them some? Nah, they didn't help me kill it so to hell with them.

I drop the bloody carcass down one of the hatches, and I wait for the satisfying thud when it hits the deck below. Of course, I also hear the cry of a soldier screaming to the heavens "Why! Oh Why!" as the damn thing apparently landed on him. He'll be fine.

I head back to my cabin to look at my shiny new crystal. So shiny!