Disclaimer: This is a spin-off of the fanfiction "Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality". If you have not read that story up to at least Chapter 11 you will be missing out on important context. I will try to make the story clear for new readers, but it is intended for fans of Methods of Rationality and I will be trying to appeal to them first.

Harry James Potter-Evans-Verres had to wonder how it had all come to this. Not a week ago he was living a semi-normal life with his family in Oxford, and now here he was, arguing with a temporarily self-aware magical hat over whether or not he would end up turning evil.

Then I won't do that again! I'll be extra careful not to turn evil!

"Heard it."

Frustration was building up inside Harry. He wasn't used to being outgunned in arguments, at all, ever, let alone by a Hat that could borrow all of his own knowledge and intelligence to argue with him and could watch his thoughts as they formed. How was he supposed to win an argument with himself?

"Then stop trying to win the argument." The Hat said, its words appearing in Harry's mind as if he thought them himself. "You should be trying to find the best answer! You're so convinced you have to go to Ravenclaw that you won't listen to other alternatives."

So, what, I'm supposed to just get thrown into Hufflepuff based on a whim that I might turn evil? What about being with others of my own kind, or fostering my intellectual growth?

"If I had any intention of sending you off to Hufflepuff, you would have been sorted there already. I'm trying to sort you to where you belong, and all I'm saying is that you might be happier in Hufflepuff than Ravenclaw."

You can't be serious, can you? I've never had friends before because I was too absorbed in my studies. That's practically the definition of a Ravenclaw!

"Wanting to learn more and valuing knowledge above all else are two entirely different things. I cannot tell you how many children I have sorted where they did not believe they should go because of that fact."

I'm aware of that, but that doesn't mean I don't value knowledge above all else. Everything we accomplished as a species, good or bad, has been due to our increasing knowledge. The moon landing, computers, the atomic bomb, none of them would be accomplished without dedicated scientists.

"Those projects all required people with the traits of all four Houses to be effective. They needed people ambitious enough to believe it could be done, people hardworking enough to complete the projects, and people heroic enough to be launched into space on a dangerous rocket. The Hogwarts founders chose these Houses because all four traits are necessary to truly accomplish anything great. I believe you have these traits, and the other houses could help draw those traits out of you."

And, more importantly, you're worried that I could become the next Dark Lord.

There was a pause. Harry knew he was getting hung up a bit too much on this. The Hat was making valid points and was attempting to sort him into the best House, but Harry couldn't let go of the idea he was being pushed where he didn't belong.

The Hat spoke patiently. "Yes, your potential to become a dark lord does factor into my hesitance to sort you into Ravenclaw. As far as I can tell, with my limited memory on the subject, there have only been two Gryffindor Dark Lords and one Hufflepuff. Slytherin produces the most, but a handful have come from Ravenclaw as well. Gryffindor and Hufflepuff are not only valid options, but they are also the safest. Surely you understand my reasoning."

I'm all for avoiding risks, but I prefer to test things before jumping into them.

"Oh sure, I'll just whip out my patented Sorting Hat Dark Lord Compatibility Test. I draw on your intelligence, remember? Besides, this conversation is becoming too long already. I'm only built to spend a maximum of one minute on anyone's head."

Harry was suddenly very keenly aware that he was still sitting on the stool in the Great Hall. He tried to look over at the Ravenclaw table for Hermione, but he couldn't clearly see her among the hundreds of Ravenclaw students. He could pick out Fred and George exchanging nervous glances over at the Gryffindor table, but only because they brought attention to themselves earlier when Harry was called. The students still waiting to be sorted had started sitting down on the floor, unsure of how long this conversation would last. The whole hall was almost uncannily still and silent, with only the occasional sounds of people shuffling and the occasional metallic clanging coming from Snape as he idly compacted the twisted remains of what had once been a heavy silver wine goblet.

Er...how long have I-

"Longer than all the other first years put together. Far longer than anyone was expected to."

Harry did notice he was getting progressively more tired as the conversation went on. He supposed it could presumably be strain from holding both sides of a heated argument.

"Right, so lets finish up with this sorting before you collapse from exhaustion or I'm forced to hop off your head in frustration."

Is there any way you could do a test run of sorts? Sort me temporarily so I can test my dark lord potential?

"No. If I sorted you temporarily I'd have to sort you again at a later time, and I can't remember any children that are not currently under my brim, let alone sort them. Not to mention suddenly every child would come to me asking for a test run of their favourite Houses."

Well, all things considered, that's not too bad an idea. Children's minds aren't fully developed at this age, they haven't even been through puberty yet, and they presumably make friends in all the Houses. Plus if people could sort into and out of Slytherin it might cut down on the bias against that House.

"No and that's final. Now we're going to find a reasonable answer to the question of where you will be sorted and I can finally get on to the other students."

Harry glanced around the room again at all the expectant faces, he saw Professor McGonagall maintaining a stoic face as she clenched the podium in a white-knuckled grip. She probably thought he had infected the Sorting Hat and he was about to be sorted into the whole new House of Doom or something. Actually, he sort of had infected the Sorting Hat by turning it sentient. He wouldn't want to be sorted into a whole new House, but if he was a bit creative…

"No. No. No. This is so much worse than all your other suggestions."

Think about it, it's a perfect opportunity to test me! I'll be carefully monitored all the time and there has to be some sort of check on what I can do in that position. Wizards are primitive but they're not THAT primitive.

"I can't believe you're seriously considering this."

My knowledge of the sciences means I could turn this school into an advanced modern school that could put Oxford to shame and I could learn about magic much more rapidly than I would with normal schooling. No other students could make you self-aware enough to sort them into anything besides the four houses, so it's not like this would happen again.

The Hat's response came slowly. "You can't think of a problem with this decision, and by extension neither can I."

So clearly that means it's a smart thing to do!

"All that means is that you're too self-absorbed to see the obvious problems in front of you."

Your duty is to pick the best House to sort me into, and we found the answer.

The Hat sighed. "I guess I'm actually going to do this. I'm sure I would regret this if I were going to be self-aware afterwards,"

So was this your strangest conversation ever?

"Conversation? Not even close. Decision? Definitely."

The frightened silence was broken by a single word.

"Headmaster!" called the Sorting Hat.

Some students screamed, the pent-up tension was so great. People startled hard enough to fall off their benches. Then a collective groan went through the Great Hall as they figured out the sorting wasn't even finished yet.

At the Head Table, Dumbledore rose, his face puzzled. "Yes?" he addressed the Hat. "What is it?"

"I wasn't talking to you," said the Hat. "I was Sorting Harry Potter into the place in Hogwarts where he most belongs, namely the Headmaster's office."

The room grew silent once more as everyone processed this information.

"Now I know this is new to you, but I'm sure if everyone works together this will be a smooth transition for-"

The hall exploded with noise.