A/N: Hello everybody, Digital Riot here. I decided to publish this as a bit of a side-project that I'll update from time to time. In all reality, I'm procrastinating from writing my main story. The idea comes from the youtube channel by the name of: Terrible Writing Advice. Do go check out those vids, they will definitely help you improve your writing as an author, I promise.
Surprisingly enough, the GATE community has had its trouble with numerous authors. Many controversies and conspiracies unfold not just on this archive but on almost every larger FFN community. This could be used to address "certain types of authors" but this has not been made to attack any specific person.
Judging by the name of the title, you can figure that almost everything in this is sarcastic. Please do not actually take this advice, in fact, do the opposite of what it says.
If you see italicized text within a bracket [Like this] That means that it is genuine advice and does not hold the sarcastic and ironic face that the rest of the text has.
Oh and, this story is part of the 'If you're reading this, it's gonna be alright' collection. It is just a collection of short one-shots and meta-fics that i've made that aren't really stories but are more of my own commentary. Just a quick heads up. And yes I did make that cover-art myself.
It's awesome too. Why are you laughing at it?
Anyways, hope you enjoy!
"I've never flown a helicopter. But if I saw one in a tree, I could still be like, 'Dude fucked up," - Some comedian I stole this quote from.
Mystery, exploration, adventure, and action… these are all of the traits that accompany the prospect of finding a new world. A new and untamed world… with magic, fantasy, and wonder…
And most importantly, cat-girls that your main protagonist can add to his ever-growing collection of bland, annoying, and extremely underdeveloped characters in his harem, that nobody asked for!
Writing about contact with a new world is extremely difficult, and has been done before in the GATE anime series, and writing fanfiction about GATE can come in a variety of creative forms. You could create a whole new world! or you can change things inside of the original canon anime so the storyline could be better, more thoughtful, and awe-inspiring!
Or you could disregard all of that and just change the protag-nation going through the gate to whatever your favorite military is. After all, staying dead-smack in the middle of your comfort zone is the best way to generate a unique and interesting story!
It's easy! All you have to do is change the JSDF to the military force of your choosing, and have them go inside the gate instead! Change absolutely none of the characters, and have the same predictable plot over and over. Trust me, the audience will definitely love it! It totally isn't an overused trope that most people in this archive are completely sick of.
On the topic of going to a new world, change nothing about that world either! Add absolutely no new creative elements to your story. Even the battles should be the exact same! Why try and innovate, when you can stay within the mold? Everyone loves reading the same story over and over again, with literally no creative differences at all!
Oh… what's that? Do you actually want to create a new world instead of just creating a copy-pasted version of Falmart? Well, that's easy, all you have to do is change the name around annnd… boom! A totally legitimate and new world right there. Instead of Falmart call it… 'Walmart' or something. Change the names of the characters but keep their exact same personalities and traits so that the reader can understand you have no real creative talent.
*Fixes glasses*
No, wait I read that wrong. So that the reader knows you have so much creative talent your mind can rival those like J.R.R Tolkien or George R.R Martin. In fact, constantly compare yourself to legendary authors and repeatedly gloat about it in the A/N section of your story. With a great story comes a great ego after all. Make sure to keep telling everybody how different and unique your story is compared to others, and repeatedly remind them that your story is better than everyone else's.
[Usually, creating a world full of intrigue, engaging lore, depth, and your own unique twist is an art in itself. Perhaps you should actually attempt to create interesting empires and governments, with fantasy elements you've created yourself so that it not only enriches the plot but also enriches the reader's experience with your story? If Worldbuilding comes in a variety of different spices, you should add enough and mix them so that it can create a savory dish!]
Or don't. GATE is an amazing anime, that truly breaks so many boundaries in its worldbuilding! You should try and copy everything it did, I'm sure people will love that!
*Phew* Worldbuilding sure is hard! But even harder is character development!
[Normally, one should create characters that are deep, thoughtful, relatable, or otherwise. Not just floating around in the plot but also propelling the plot. Characters are the engines that power your story forward, and as such need to take things into their own hands, to tackle challenges and overcome adversities.]
Nah, ignore all of that! Who needs "Good Character" when you could just make the same Mary-Sue character that has been introduced hundreds of times before! I'm sure the audience will absolutely fawn over this great character.
Be sure to let your character breeze through the entire plot without shedding a single drop of blood. They can take on any challenge, despite having absolutely no experience beforehand. Badasses are the most amazing type of character! Especially in a military-setting such as the one you're creating! Who needs squad cohesion, and the relationship between soldiers in a unit, when your main protagonist is so badass he could defeat the enemy completely on his own! In fact, make sure that literally everyone worships your character like the god that he is, so that the reader knows that your self insert- *I mean* - 'Protagonist' is indeed the good-guy in the story and that they should be rooting for him.
On the topic of good guys and bad guys, the main protagonist country should be objectively good no matter what! They should be willing to share their technology with the inferior-* I mean*- 'technologically backward' species. After all, this type of interaction has worked perfectly fine in the real world! Just ask Christopher Columbus and the native Taino!
Oh wait, the Taino were exterminated? Huh? Who would've guessed mass- genocide could be committed by such a superior and glorious nation as Spain?
As a matter of fact, be sure to constantly remind the reader that your protagonist country is willing to share their superior culture and technology to the backward natives, no matter what the potential consequences maybe! Make sure they effortlessly win every single battle against the evil empire! And also have the entire world worship them as pseudo-gods. Your protagonist nation should take on a "White Man's Burden" mentality, and that's absolutely not racist! Fervently deny that you are glorifying imperialism and colonization! Show absolutely none of the bad sides of your protagonist nation going through the portal. Things such as the transmission of disease between worlds; cultural differences that will lead to violent war; and resistance to a literal alien-invasion, should be safely swept under the carpet. Casually inform the reader that those things simply do not matter and that your protagonist country would never do something as bad as genocide, despite having done even worst atrocities in real life!
Bash the reader over the head repeatedly with the idea that modernity is objectively good. Have the natives fawn over the technology your protagonists have, and let them break the fourth wall to tell the audience how much better their lives are now that they have cellphones! That's totally realistic! Safely ignore any cultural, religious, or even moral resistance against breakneck industrialization. Who wouldn't want their entire culture and way of life uprooted to live in a cramped apartment building and work a job in an office cubicle for eight hours? That sounds great to me!
Hmmm. Is your story missing something? Maybe what you need is a Love Triangle! Everyone loves Love Triangles! It's easy to create one! Simply have your main character display how awesome and badass he is, and the native women will begin flocking towards him! That's how a stable relationship is formed, I'm sure.
What? You want something even better than a Love Triangle? How about a Harem! Harems are awesome because it allows the reader to understand that your main character is super awesome and badass! Make sure to give your main character a wide variety of girls in his harem! Let's see…
You can add the… uh, you can add the elf girl, the cat-girl, the magic girl, the smart girl, the shy girl, and uhhh. Well, who cares about them anyway? Nobody reads your amazing book for things as stupid as secondary character development, just have the entire harem fawn over your protagonist and constantly remind the reader how great your main character and his country is! Wouldn't be a GATE story with that!
And while you are at it, be sure to include your extremely weird and horrific fetishes within your story! The crazier and darker the fetish is, the better! I'm sure people won't question your mental stability, and if anybody calls you an incel you can dismiss it as just 'fantasy'. You don't actually feel that way about women, it's just a book!
As a matter of fact, women in your fantasy novel should be treated as punching bags! Why? Because that's how it was in real-life, duh! Always make sure that women in the new world are oppressed, and beaten on every page, and when those stupid "SJWs" call you out on it, just tell them that's how it went in the real world!
[While it is true that women were oppressed in many Western-societies on Earth, a realistic setting would generally not treat women as literal dirt, no matter how misogynistic the society is. Every country in human history has realized the need to respect both genders, even if it is to an uneven and unbalanced degree. Old Earth societies typically set up Gender Roles for both genders, and expectations for both to follow based off of physical prowess, and as such the roles of men were typically delegated to outside jobs such as hunting or construction, while female roles were usually more domestic. Extremely misogynistic societies are not just unrealistic but can raise a few eyebrows if you seem to glorify such practices.]
Realism? That's boring! What isn't boring are anime cat-girls, everyone loves them!
Tired of oddly condescending aliens invading other worlds and winning every single battle in the name of technological modernity and democratic liberty? You can just turn your main characters into a bunch of bloodthirsty, family-killing psychopaths! Edgy characters are good characters, the more edgy and dark the characters are, the better! Never think to give your evil main characters any type of charm that could endear the audience to them! In fact, go full Onision and just fill your story with self-glorifying banter, pessimistic world outlooks, inane acts of violence, and a grim-dark setting. Remember, the darker the better!
While we are on the edge train, be sure to attack the institutions of Earth. Attack things that people truly hold dear to them just for the sake of doing so, and include some dumb lesson about society or something. In the words of a funny clown man himself, 'We Live in a Society', and how could a sadistic and mentally-unstable mess of a villain be wrong? We do live in a society! Relentlessly attack religion on every page and for no real reason, despite the fact that people actually hold it near and dear to their hearts. Include pseudo-intellectual commentaries within your story, so that when people criticize it for being too edgy and without purpose, you can just tell them that they don't understand the high IQ commentary that your story is riddled with.
Or do the opposite, and make your protagonists crusaders for a righteous and just cause. Force your protag nation's religion down the throats of everyone in the new world, because they need it! Be as condescending, smug, and self-righteous as possible. Make them true egalitarians, environmentalist tree huggers. Make the enemy a bunch of virgin-sacrificing monsters in need of a divine saving that only your protagonist can give them. I'm sure there are no historical parallels to that *cough* Aztecs *Cough*.
Y'know, completely genociding- err - 'uplifting' native peoples isn't really all that fun. Hey, why don't we make a story where the Earthbound forces are so incompetent and grossly inept, that the natives defeat them with ease! I'm sure that'll come off as "realistic" to anyone reading your story, and it certainly won't estrange or anger the reader! Just attack the reviewer themselves, and tell them that they don't understand the clear 'foreshadowing' inside of it. Make the story as dumb and illogical as possible, and say that you are simply evening the odds.
[Again, this isn't completely wrong. When writing a GATE fanfic, the war should not be one-sided completely. Otherwise, there'd be no actual tension to keep the reader invested. However, instead of dumbing down the Earth forces to a ridiculous level, and giving the natives insane plot armor, try instead to match the two forces. Use your spin on magic; dragons; cunning; or propaganda to match the natives with the Earth-bound force, so that the two sides both have a good chance at fighting. A one-sided battle makes for a terrible story. But a high-stakes war can keep the reader invested in a dynamic and unique military thriller.]
Bah! Who cares about "audience investment"?
Remember, the reason you are making a GATE fic in the first place is simple. So you can show off your ultra-nationalism and display how great your country is! After all, we live in a political climate filled with people who love hearing others boast about how superior their nation is. Nobody has ever been called words such as 'A racist' or 'A fascist' or even 'A NAZI' for holding those same beliefs.
If you are writing a story with America at its heart, be sure to tell the audience that they are fighting a glorious and patriotic battle against 'communism', 'liberals', 'Russia', and 'China'. America is a prime example of a perfectly-functioning democracy with absolutely no flaws whatsoever! Double down on criticism, and make sure that people understand all the good things that America did for the world. Victimize America in every way, because you are the only defender of liberty and democracy!
If you are writing a story with Russia, be sure to include massive amounts of historical revisionism, heavy Soviet nostalgia, complete disregard for the sovereignty of other nations, and some stupid analog for how Russia is an oppressed and under-represented nation. Russia is an innocent and perfect angel of a nation! Never has the glorious bear ever committed an atrocity so great that people compare ti with the Holocaust. 'Holodomor?' what's a Holodomor?
If you are writing a story about China, remind the reader that government surveillance is in fact a good thing. Victimize the PRC and CCP in any way possible, because a communist nation can do nothing wrong. In fact, blatantly attack everyone else for even daring to criticize the glorious nation, that is, the People's Republic of China. You'll lose social credit if you even think about it! Who doesn't want to live in a neo-fascist regime parading as a socialist state? Nobody!
[While it is fine to portray patriotism and show respect for your country, keep in mind that promoting a "Deutschland uber alles"/"your country above all else" mentality is the definition of fascism. There are other nations and cultures in the world, some may even see your nation in a negative view. There is not a single country on Earth that is objectively good, everyone holds their grudges. Showing your patriotism is perfectly fine. Nationalism and Patriotism are not the same, however. The former can lead to a fascist superiority doctrine.]
Aww, you got a mean review. Who knew there were so many mean people on the internet. That's fine, just tell them how objectively wrong they are and call it a day. Personally insult their intelligence, and resort to name-calling if those techniques don't work.
Good authors know that criticism is objectively bad! Saying anything negative about your story means that the reviewer is a hater! Is the reviewer bringing up legitimate points and are they creating a rather strong argument? Clap back at the reviewer for having the audacity to insult your masterpiece of a story, insult them in the A/N's of your chapters, create a campaign of personal and direct attack, and never actually take responsibility for the shortcomings-in your own writing. Critics are mean haters out to get your story and more importantly, you as an author! You mustn't concede a single inch to these devilish imp's who seek to impede on your glorious story.
Wow, looks like your personal vendetta against the reviewers has gained a lot more attention than before! In fact, more people are tuning in to watch the drama unfold than they are actually reading the story. Keep fighting these endless swarms of internet trolls, I'm sure you'll come out on top in the end. The only type of review you want is one that gives you nothing but praise. A reviewer must lick your boots clean, giving you undue praise and positive opinion. If anyone critiques your story at all, even in a review that is mostly positive, you must put that reviewer in their place. That's what "Alpha Behavior" is all about anyway.
Remember that your work is completely infallible. And the only thing greater than your story is your massive ego! Anything that tries to chop your ego down a peg or two must be vanquished immediately! You are a perfect writer! Don't actually listen to what reviewers are trying to tell you, and incorporate the most common pet peeves in order to improve your work! Your work is so good, that it can't be improved any further, and therefore anyone telling you that your epic novel is sub-par has no right to an opinion at all!
Tell the haters that if they don't like your story, they shouldn't read it! Or do one better, and challenge them to write a better story! After all, they don't write books, they don't understand how hard it is to do such a daunting task! What gives them the right to "critique" YOUR story? They are just readers, whose sole purpose is to bow down to you and worship your ever-growing ego!
["I've never flown a helicopter. But if I saw one in a tree, I could still be like, 'Dude fucked up!'']
Or you can do the opposite and completely bend over backward for each and every review you receive. Somebody doesn't like action scenes? That's fine, just take out every single scene involving violence within your story! That won't make it bland at all! Some people might say that it is foolish to change your entire story based on the words of one reviewer. Those people are fools. You have to make a story that directly appeals to everyone in the entire universe, no matter how impossible that task may be. Make everyone happy, and alter your story to the extent that it crumbles under its own weight. Make the story so different that it loses all focus, meaning, and representation. Afterall
[If you have posted a chapter that has received a lot of negative reviews, don't go on a personal crusade against the reviewers. Instead, follow these tactics:
-Shut up
-Listen to what the reviews are trying to communicate to you
-Take into consideration the type of critique you are receiving
-Differentiate between actual well-meaning critique and personal opinion
-Incorporate the good critique into your story]
Hopefully, you've taken notes on this important essay. Armed with this knowledge, you can craft the perfect Tom Clancy knockof- *I mean* GATE Fanfiction! Now, where did I put Empress Theresa?