Edd fidgeted nervously with his bowtie and watched as Eddy peered out from behind the curtain of their makeshift stage. He wondered for the hundredth time whether Eddy could be diagnosed as a true masochist, or if he really was just completely impervious to embarrassment. "Okay, it's time," Eddy hissed over his shoulder. "Double-D, are you ready?"
"Really, Eddy, I think – "
"Stop thinking! Just be ready! Ed! Raise the curtain!"
"Do you think hairballs would stay crunchy in milk, Eddy?" Now Ed was a bit easier to judge. Few rays of reality ever seemed to pierce through his protective mantle of obliviousness. Edd wished that he, too, could enjoy such blissful ignorance at times like this.
"ED! Raise it, will ya? We're losing them!"
"Going up!" Ed pulled on the rope and the curtain came up. "1st floor – socks, roofing tiles, and artichokes! Everybody out!"
As the curtain rose, the audience turned their attention towards the stage. Edd was standing in the center behind a table, sweating and eyeing the wings. He calculated his chances of making a break for it, realized he'd never make it, and clasped his hands together to cease their shaking.
"Ladies and gentlemen!" Decked out in an unbearably gaudy leisure suit and his usual tacky sunglasses, Eddy strode onstage. "Welcome to Ed's Surprising Findings! That's right, it's everybody's favorite show, where we bring you the inventions of tomorrow, today!"
An "Applause" sign flashed at the top of the set. Eddy paused, but was met only with impatient stares.
"These dorks have wasted enough of my time. I'm outta here." Kevin stood up, but was halted by Rolf.
"Wait, Kevin, do you not want to see the Can't-Trust-Them-As-Far-As-Nantucket Ed-boys make royal yahooses of themselves yet again? Their antics remind Rolf of his Nano's mentally unstable pet yak, only not as good on toast!"
Why did he let himself get talked into these things? "Rolf's right, Eddy," Edd whispered. "This is sure to end in disgrace. Can't we spare ourselves the embarrassment and call an end to this debacle right now?"
Eddy continued to smile widely as he faced his audience, but he hissed out the corner of his mouth, "Just stick to your lines, will ya? Get ready!" Pacing across the stage, he addressed the audience once more. "Friends, what we're about to show you is going to change your whole life for the better! How many times has this happened to you?" As he reached the side of the stage, he gestured wildly towards Edd. "Now! Go!!"
"Curse my tractability," Edd muttered to himself. Forcing a shaky smile, he began reciting his lines. "My, it looks like it is raining." He held out an arm and checked an imaginary watch. "And look, it is time for lunch." He slapped the back of his hand against his forehead and looked skyward. "But I don't have time to protect myself from the elements and fix a nutritious and delicious meal, whatever shall I do?"
Eddy took his place next to Edd, apparently oblivious to the smirks on the faces of their audience. "Why, good day, sir, what seems to be the trouble?"
"Well, I was just remarking to myself how nice it would be if someone were to come up with a solution to that age-old problem," Edd shut his eyes for a brief moment and shuddered, "of what to do when you're both wet and hungry." He thought longingly of all the other places he could be right now.
Eddy slapped him on the back companionably. "Good news, sir, your worries are over! Let me introduce to you," he paused, but nothing happened. Darting a glance into the wings, he snarled, "ED!"
"Oops! Ha-ha, sorry Eddy, I was busy counting my eyebrow!" Ed banged a bucket against his head to make a drum roll noise.
"Er, as I was saying, let me introduce to you – " he pulled from under the table an umbrella whose handle was strung with meat and vegetables. Brandishing it triumphantly, he exclaimed, "the Shish-kebrella!" He gritted his teeth and hissed, "Ed, you can stop with the drum roll now."
Fighting down a terminal case of embarrassment, Edd gamely tried to keep up with his lines. "The Shish-kebrella? What's that?"
"Only the solution the whole world has been waiting for! Now you can keep from getting wet in the heaviest of downpours and enjoy a delicious meal, at the same time! Let me show you how it works – " Eddy tried to open the 'Shish-kebrella,' but it refused to cooperate. "Ungh…it's so simple…even a child could use it…" He applied greater force, but still the device remained shut fast. "Just...open like a normal umbrella and…" He whacked it repeatedly against the table, to no avail. "Aargh!" He stopped and glared at the umbrella. Thrusting it towards Edd, he snarled, "Fix this, will ya?"
Edd glanced uncomfortably towards their openly snickering audience, then looked down at the umbrella poking him in the chest. "Well, I suppose I can take a look, but I'm not promising anythi – iiiiaaaagh!"
The force of the umbrella's sudden opening knocked Edd backwards through the air. Flailing wildly, he flew through the side of the stage, knocking out the ropes that were holding up the curtain. The curtain thundered down with a crash, bringing with it the wooden "Ed's Surprising Findings" sign that had been hanging at the top of the stage. Soon the entire set collapsed in a cloud of dust.
As Edd dragged himself out painfully from beneath a shamble of splintered boards, he could hear the cul-de-sac kids guffawing. "That certainly changed my life for the better." Kevin snorted as he left his seat.
"Indeed, are you not glad that you stayed to watch the other shoe descend? Rolf has not laughed so hard since the time angry squirrels invaded his Great Nano's pantaloons!"
"Maybe I was adopted," Sarah sighed. "Come on, Jimmy, I just got a brand-new box of crayons, let's go color."
Jimmy clapped his hands. "Goodie! I've got dibs on Coral Shell Pink!"
As the kids departed, still laughing, Eddy's voice could be heard from under a nearby pile of rubble. "Hmmph. Like I couldn't see that one coming. How many times have these stupid gizmos let us down?"
"Once, twice, three times a lady, Eddy!" Ed tugged both Eddy and the mangled Shish-kebrella out from under a board.
"Exactly." Eddy kicked the now-useless Shish-kebrella towards Edd, who was plucking stray scraps of wood from his clothing. Wood particles could be so difficult to extract once they dug in to the fiber. "Here, Sock-head, another entry for your failed inventions cabinet. Bet it's getting pretty full by now, ain't it?" Edd picked up the umbrella and examined it closely as Eddy added, "You'd better shape up, Double-D, or Ed and I just might have to find ourselves a new genius…"
Edd rolled his eyes. Yet another blatant attempt to manipulate him through the thoughtless undermining of his self-confidence. Too bad it usually worked. "Good luck finding someone of comparable intellect who's willing to work under such appalling conditions, Eddy. And at any rate, might I point out that I was not responsible for this particular travesty of convenience food?" He fiddled with the catch on the umbrella handle.
"That's right, Eddy, Double-D said your Shish-kebrella was," Ed's voice pitched higher in a near-perfect imitation of Edd, "'the most mind-bogglingly ludicrous farce of an idea ever to dribble forth from that over-taxed and under-developed sea sponge that you insist upon calling a brain!'"
Eddy and Edd both stared in open-mouthed astonishment. Edd finally spoke. "That…was quite impressive, Ed…"
Ed resumed his normal voice and laughed. "I have no idea what I just said, Double-D. Ooh, can I see the sea sponge, Eddy?" He knocked Eddy over in an attempt to peer into his ear. "I'm a collector!"
There really was no explaining Ed sometimes. Edd shook his head and resumed his examination of the Shish-kebrella. "Anyway, Ed's right, I must admit that I felt the creation of this particular device to be somewhat…um…beneath my skills…" He blushed at his immodesty. "So I let Ed assemble it. He seemed quite enthused with his newfound responsibilities. Ah, here we are – " plucking a chunk of potato out of the umbrella clasp, he nodded in satisfaction. "I believe this rogue tuber was the culprit. Starch-based vegetables and easily rusted household items just don't mix, Ed. Next time, I suggest you apply mineral oil to all metallic surfaces before attaching your comestibles, in order to maintain smooth operation of the moving parts." He opened and closed the umbrella a few times.
"Never let anybody tell ya they actually understand what you're saying, Double-D." Eddy shoved Ed away from his ear and sat up. "But what the heck are we supposed to do now? Our stage is ruined, our suckers are all gone – we're never gonna get any jawbreakers at this rate!" If persistence were an Olympic event, Eddy would be a gold medal champion.
"Don't you think we've experienced enough pain and humiliation for one day, Eddy? Why don't we just go home and enjoy a nice relaxing book?" Or perhaps some nice shiny objects, he thought, giggling to himself at his insolence. Closing the umbrella a final time, he handed it over to Ed. "Here you are, Ed, try not to eat it all at one sitting."
Ed gasped in delight. "A present! Thank you, Double-D! I feel like it's St. Patrick's Day and I am the lucky St. Patrick!" He engulfed Edd in a big happy bear hug. "The luck of the Irish has been going strong for centuries!"
"Well, actually, Ed, St. Patrick's Day is a relatively new phenomenon. In fact, it wasn't even celebrated in modern times until 1927." He waited to see if Ed or Eddy would catch this blatant misstatement of the facts, but neither said a word. He wondered what it was like to actually have someone listen to what you said. "It's yet another example of a heretofore obscure holiday being foisted upon an unsuspecting public for the sole purpose of creating an artificial demand for greeting cards."
Eddy suddenly looked up. "You mean people can just make up holidays? And they can get cash that way?" His eyes began to take on a familiar gleam.
"Why, yes, Eddy." Surprised and pleased at the attention, Edd counted off holidays on his fingers. "St. Patrick's Day, Valentine's Day, Mother's Day – in fact, the majority of the holidays we celebrate today – are little more than commercially-generated excuses to garner more income for…" Edd stopped mid-lecture as he realized what he was getting himself into. He smacked himself in the forehead and counted down quietly.
3…2…1…
"Hey! WE could make up our own holiday! We'll convince all the kids that it's real and get them to buy greeting cards from us! It can't fail!!"
Sometimes Eddy could be SO predictable.