Isekai'd, My Posterior!
Elden Ring's release was announced at E3. Honestly, it looks swell, I'm looking forward to playing it soon. And on the inside, I'm squealing like a fangirl at a K-pop museum about to burst an ovary because damn, it's been a long time coming people.
Now, then… with that said, let's all shriek like fan boys (and girls. Again, there might be female readers here that I don't know about) as I write out content for the gorgeous waifu's in Dark Souls we all want to see snoozing in our beds one sunny morning after a hangover. That gets me thinking, wouldn't it be rad if they made a Dark Souls museum with life-sized statues of our favorite characters and memorabilia?
I don't think I would ever leave if they did.
"Bull Demons, aggravated hollows, that humungous drake and now two contrasting undead. Oh, how the days are growing all the more treacherous." The Undead Merchant said as he adjusted and re-arranged various trinkets set up on display with a skeletal hand. It seemed even he was aware of the major differences between Oscar and the Thief. William gave him another smile. He knew he would come to like this extortionate bastard.
"But if you have souls to spare then you are a welcome customer." The Merchant continued, suddenly chipper as he gazed at them with those glowing red eyes of his. "everything's for sale. Isn't that right, Yulia?"
"Ugh… who's Yulia?" Oscar asked from his position on the ground, still recovering from when his undead friend had used him as a pin cushion.
"Oh, she's plump in love with me, she is. A darling little thing I couldn't hope to forget – despite my obvious appearance."
William raised a brow. At least the bugger knew he was ugly.
"But enough of that. Buy what you want and shove off, already. My business doesn't live off friendly conversation."
"Right then," William clapped his hands and stared at the quiver of fresh arrows to the Merchant's left. "how much for those?"
"One short of a thousand." The Merchant said flatly.
"That's daylight robbery," William huffed and crossed his arms. "five-hundred and it's a deal."
"Hah! I don't know if you've notice, but there seems to be a shortage of armory's in the area. Inflation, I'm afraid."
"Inversely, the rate of undead running into this shit-show to go hollow has also grown sparse. My pockets aren't as deep as they should be, friend." He left out the part of him slapping a million souls into Rhea's hand earlier. He knew, it was a dumb move to waste that much currency but how else would Patches have been swayed if he hadn't chosen to target his greed?
The Merchant sniffed up the thick mucus dribbling down his non-existent nose. William almost felt bad for him. He knew how much being hollow sucked.
"Then I suppose we're at an impasse." The red-eyed undead sighed out before reclining in his seat. "but I've got all day to argue. You can decide whether it's worth it when the world suddenly ends, and you did nothing but act like a miser."
He got him there, the undead had to admit. However, considering that the time to revive after each death you suffer fluctuates from a few minutes, to possibly a few years, and the Age of Dark still hasn't come to pass yet, he was inclined to believe that he could stand and argue all he wanted.
Besides, the only way the world would truly end is when an undead kills Gwyn and follows Kaathe. Otherwise, Lordran was just stuck in its stagnant state of convoluted dimensions and never-ending hollows. That was his opinion on the matter, at least.
"How about we meet each other halfway then?" William probed and received a curious look in reply.
"I'm listening," said the Merchant.
William held up his hand and a sprite of humanity danced on his palm. "How long's it been since you felt wind on your actual skin?"
The merchant stopped and looked at the sprite for some time before stroking his chin in thought. "What's the catch?"
"Fifty percent off all weaponry."
"Now, that just reverse psychology." Whined the Merchant.
"And now it's sixty percent off all weaponry." William yawned.
"Okay, fine!"
"And you hand over that soapstone free of charge."
"Oh, for bloody-"
"What's that, did you say eighty percent off?"
"No, I did not! And what happened to seventy, eh?!"
"Glad we could see eye-to-eye, mate."
William smiled cheekily and the Merchant grumbled but accepted the humanity and the souls without a fuss. It was a wise decision to make, really. For one, William could tell that he and Oscar were the first customers the Merchant had seen in quite a while. And two, when someone dangled the precious substance of humanity in front of your face as an exchange, it was better to accept than to let it go. As it was, the Merchant was already nearing complete hollowness. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that the man didn't want to be a mindless drone.
"So, what's the deal?" William asked, shoving a bountiful cache of arms into the bottomless box next to him.
"Whatever about?" the Merchant replied, scratching the top of his bald head.
"This place is a ghost town. You could get mauled by a pack of naked hollows and you wouldn't be able to protect yourself. Why are you still staying in this dump?"
"Well, besides the free inhibitor that is the scent of toasted flesh, it's… actually quite nice here."
William didn't look convinced. "And what's the actual reason?"
"William!" Oscar scolded, grabbing his shoulder and shaking him back and forth. "Why do you immediately suspect everyone of having a shameful ulterior mot-"
"There's a sexy piece of undead meat selling moss, herbs and other curious trinkets down in the aqueducts. I've been meaning to pay her a visit, but I'm scared she'll turn me down due to my appearance." The Merchant spilled the beans quicker than dragonfly skimming a lake's surface.
"-ive." Oscar finished. William gave him a deadpan stare. "I see, then."
"But besides that insane but lovable woman, I really find it comfortable down here. More so than that undead shrine at the foot of the kingdom."
"How so?" Oscar inquired, after finally regaining feeling in his limbs.
"The company is drab here, sure, but I'm not really bothered much up here. And people don't throw rocks at me like they used back home." He said with a soft sigh. Oscar cooed in sympathy whilst William's brows rose in recognition before he gave his bottomless box a boot, and it shrunk down to the size of an egg vibrator.
That's right, the Merchant was shunned back in his hometown. An outcast, just like the rest of the maniacal bunch here in Lordran. An idea suddenly hit him like a horny Gray Fullbuster smacking Juvia on her pain-addicted left cheek. Why hadn't he thought of asking the question sooner?
"Say, why were you shunned in your motherland? Was it because of your face or did people generally not like you for something you did?"
"William!" Oscar squeaked, voice growing in octaves higher than a hentai voice actor screaming 'Sugoi'.
"What? It's a valid question. Right Merch?"
"He's right, I'm afraid." The Merchant nodded solemnly. "the reason I was hated back in my village was because I kept stealing the underwear of women that were changing into the clothing they bought from my dad's tailor workshop."
Oscar and William ceased whatever argument they were having to stare blankly at the Undead Merchant adjusting the position of a helmet next to him.
"And besides the times I was caught indulging in my necrophilia addiction, there was the few times I nearly got stabbed by a royal guard for attempting to lick the feet of our Duchess." The Merchant suddenly looked up and gave them a wistful sigh. "Ah, good times."
William and Oscar merely took a step back in reply. It didn't matter how sad the guy looked; he was a freaking pervert with no self-control. A side glance and both undead mentally agreed to leave immediately, lest they get sexed by a walking toothpick that stank like whale piss.
"However!" the Merchant shouted suddenly, a crooked smile on his face that honestly made the two undead more uncomfortable than safe, "I'm done with all of that now. I've got Yulia. And she wouldn't leave my side." He gazed down at the hilt of the uchigatana peeking out of the myriad of cloth on the floor, making another idea pop up in William's head. "Isn't that right, my dear?"
Nodding his head in confidence, William took a step forward – much to Oscar's dismay.
"Ah, I understand you completely, mate. Your Yulia is exactly like my Aldebaran," he said, and drew the blessed Astorian sword from his hip. The Astorian behind him tilted his head to the side in confusion but thankfully remained silent.
"Ehh? You've got one too, do ya'?" the Merchant asked in curiosity, studying the gleaming silver of William's longsword with what almost looked like envy – or perhaps it was greed.
"Yeah, he's a dutiful lad. Cuts down nasty hollows like they're paper, and did I mention he never rusts? Why, he even took down one of those agitating skeletons in the Catacombs without a fuss. Prevented them from re-assembling, he did." William said with a grin, wiping his nose with a thumb.
"That's right!" Oscar spoke up from behind him and the silver-haired undead only smiled wider. The lessons he had been hammering into the Knight about reading between the lines was actually paying off. "that sword is from Astora. And all the blades of superior knights are enchanted with a blessing."
"Is that so?" the Merchant asked, not convinced.
"Why, of course. Here, just look at my own." Oscar replied and drew his sword. The Merchant observed the twin of William's primary weapon before sniffing in acceptance. Both undead put their blades away thereafter, leaving the half-hollow to stew in his thoughts for a moment.
"Why tell me all this?" asked the Merchant finally.
"Isn't it obvious? I want to trade?" William responded.
"For what exactly?" the Merchant became defensive before his red eyes flew to the eastern blade at his side. "My Yulia?!"
"Why not? You did say that everything was for sale. Remember?" William mentioned cheekily.
"Y-Yeah but…" the Merchant wracked his empty skull for a retort before settling on, "but why Yulia?"
"Because she's a lady, my friend. And a feisty one from what I can see." The undead intoned, pointing at boot at the small glint of a blade near the hilt. "As you know, women are a tricky bunch to handle. But one's like my Aldebaran… they stay loyal to the end."
The Merchant considered his words. It looked like he was about to fold. But then he looked up at William and frowned.
"And why in the Four Kings would I ever want to give up Yulia, eh?"
Instead of being stuck for words, William gave the man a grin so wide his cheeks nearly split.
"Because Yulia's a woman, mate. How do you think she would feel after she hears that you've been making googly eyes at some mad chick that sells people moss?"
The Undead Merchant gasped in realization before snapping his gaze to the weapon in question. William mentally jumped for joy. He had won this bout of vocal roulette. It wasn't even that difficult since the crazed fellow saw his sword as an actual person. All he needed to do was pretend to be the same and offer a flimsy exchange with the pretense of cheating on a piece of metal as the counter consequence to refusing. As the odds had it, it didn't take long for the gross perv to give in.
He didn't even feel bad about it either, he wanted that katana. A few chunks of titanite and he could be killing people like Zenitsu from Demon Slayer.
"I-I… suppose you're right." The Merchant said and withdrew 'Yulia' from under the sheaf of cloth next to him. The weapon was exactly how he pictured it, sleek scabbard that reflected the sunlight, a hilt corded with red and black rope, and the circular cross-guard that made the blade look regal.
He accepted it gratefully, passing 'Aldebaran' to him with a casual toss.
"What's your name, by the way?" William asked and the Merchant cocked his head to the side as he hugged the straight sword to his chest.
"Couldn't tell you if I wanted to. Forgotten it way back when, I'm afraid."
"Aw, you poor soul." Oscar mouthed, his shoulders dropping comically. William merely fixed him with a pensive stare as he attached the scabbard to his hip.
"Oh. Well that's no problem. From today onwards you'll go by Goby." The Merchant looked at him, flummoxed.
"You'd offer me a name?"
"Better, I just gave you one."
"But… why?"
William sighed. "Because calling you Undead Merchant every time I have to talk about you is a mouthful. I'm a simple… okay, I'm not a simple guy. But I am a man that loves simplicity in things around him. So, Goby you shall be called." He gave Goby a wink. "Now do us a favor, restore your humanity and go meet that moss chick for me. Papa's gonna need a nice discount when he comes by looking for some poison-tipped arrows."
Goby looked at him, astounded, before a small smile graced his hideous features. "Thank you kindly. Keh-heh-heh-heh."
William and Oscar left Goby's balcony shortly after directions leading toward the Undead Church before they were met by the sight of large houses, crumbling stonework and bored hollows milling about. The Thief breathed in a generous mouthful of tainted air before sighing out loudly.
"Aaand, we're back in civilization." He cheered, giving his arms a stretch.
"Should you really have tricked the poor fellow for his sword?" Oscar asked, lifting his visor up to stare at his companion. "he looked rather attached to that 'Yulia' of his."
"Well, she's not Yulia anymore, or his property, or a 'she' for that matter." William scoffed and paced in front of the knight. "it's a sword. That's all."
"One that you seemed particularly invested in."
The Thief shrugged. "You don't see blades like this in Lordran. Besides, he wouldn't have used it to its full potential."
Oscar gave the statement some thought before he shrugged himself. "Well, at least he was happy at the end of the day."
"Pfft, are you glad? I wanted to run him through with that cheap spear he wanted to sell me."
"Come now, William." The Astorian began.
"Don't you 'Come now, William' me! That guy was a freak and you know it. Gives men like you and I a bad image."
"Personally, I think your image is sullied enough by you own behavior." The knight muttered, making William chuckle.
"And yet I'm still the one girl's want to bone."
"Have you thought that maybe it's because that's the only way to get you to be silent for once?"
"Ho-ho! Look who grew some ox testies after forming a crush on a Tsundere Way of White maiden." The knight blushed darkly as William slapped him on the back. He was actually starting to lie this new side of the idiotic knight. Perhaps taking him under his wing wasn't a downside after all.
It was just a shame that at that moment of joy, the undead suddenly felt the air shift as a dark rift of black matter opened up before them, as if Manus had decided to skip waiting for the other half of his momma's pendant and just snatch the Chosen Undead into Oolacile immediately.
"The hell is that?" William asked as his hand flew to his sword. He was hypothesizing a couple of things, from the appearance of the actual Ainz Oowal Gown, a sexy dimension-hopping succubus with size I cups, or the cliché alien come to invade an already destroyed planet.
Luckily, for unluckily for him – he was really looking forward to it being a succubus – Oscar's screeched reply had voided all possibilities.
"Darkwraith invasion!"
The Thief frowned. They were being invaded this late in the game? Why the hell hadn't they been attacked sooner? He had been invaded and killed at least twelve times after the first week of the game's initial release. This was just pathetic. But at least they were here now. And he was excited.
Now he could possibly talk to people from his world that were still playing the game, ask how much time had passed, whether Fortnite had finally burned and died like the shit rip-off of PUBG it was, and if they had released the next part of Final Fantasy VII yet – because seriously, the disservice they had done to Tifa's tits was just a mood killer to his libido.
He wondered whether he could still see the name of the person invading him, and as if the moron that brought him to this world was listening, he saw text appear before his eyes as if he was playing a full-dive RPG – which he… kinda was?
"Dark sprit Argon has invaded your world!"
Argon. Argon… why did that name sound so familiar?
"Stay of guard, William. We're dealing with a monster above monsters!" Oscar cried as he jostled the shield in his grip and tensed. Well it was nice to know that Darkwraith's were still a horror to deal with. He wondered if this Argon fellow would be as terrifying as the legends made his sect out to be?
Just then, William saw a figure emerge from the void – which was a better way of explaining how the phantom looked as if he was shat out of a black hole.
He landed on his knees before pushing off the floor and rising to his feet. The signature red and black that coated his body was there, and it made his skin appear even more marble-like due to the undead not possessing a shirt.
But what really made the Thief frown was the distinct contrast of light and dark that bisected his body in half, as if he was some better version of Zetsu with hair.
The Phantom blinked and William could still make out that the half nude undead had amber eyes despite the red sheen on his body. He looked around at his surroundings before a grimace appeared on his sharp features.
"Ah, crap. Wrong reality. Priscilla's gonna be so pissed if I miss the wedding by a few seconds." He muttered to himself and withdrew a separation Crystal from a pouch. William merely furrowed his brow even more.
Priscilla? Wedding? What did the goddess of dragon girls have to do with-
It was then that recognition bitch slapped William across the face, making his eyes widen before he facepalmed.
"Oh, you have got to be shitting me."
"William? What seems to be the matter?" Oscar asked by his side, catching Argon's attention before he waved a hand at them casually.
"Oi, do you guys know how to lock onto a specific frequency to invade? I'm kinda in a pinch here."
The Thief pinched the bridge of his nose and shook his head. Just what he needed. An OC from that dipshit of an author named Mihairu7 that didn't have the balls to write authentic lemons. He cursed the moron that brought him here to suffer this annoyance.
I would have posted this yesterday, but my sister damaged the top of my laptop screen and was just too angry to write anything after that. Aw man, I hope I can fix it before the black spots spread. 0~0
I'm actually enjoying the progression of Oscar's character. Don't get me wrong, I love it when he acts stupid. But making him a little bit savvy is better than him being uninspiringly 2-D, right? Additionally, I wrote an omake :D.
Omake: When You Finally Meet The Author Making You Go Through All This Bullshit.
"Darkwraith invasion!"
The Thief frowned. They were being invaded this late in the game? Why the hell hadn't they been attacked sooner? He had been invaded and killed at least twelve times after the first week of the game's initial release. This was just pathetic. But at least they were here now. And he was excited.
"Dark spirit Mihairu7 has invaded your world!"
Why did that name sound familiar to him? Furthermore, why did he feel an innate urge to pluck this invaders eyes out and fashion them as accessories to hang around his neck?
Whilst thinking about how to mutilate the body of a phantasmic entity, a figure jumped out of the black hole, stumbling over its feet slightly.
"Ah! Phew, that was a rush." Said a voice William couldn't quite place. Which was odd. Because William had gamed with countless nationalities over the years. There was no way he could ever forget an accent once he heard it.
"Oh! And look at that. I'm in the Lower Burg." The happiness in his exclamations was beginning to tick the Thief off. "how wonderful!"
"Uhm, excuse me…?" Oscar said in uncertainty and the phantom turned to face them. His clothing was definitely from the 21st Century. Gym shorts and a thin vest with no shoes detailed the clothing of someone that spent most of their time indoors.
"Hmm? Oooh! Is that Oscar I see?!" the strange and increasingly vexing invader screeched before sprinting up toward the knight and ogling his outfit like a lecherous pimp. "My, the detail on your surcoat is fantastic. And that sword embroided with gold filigree is just beautiful."
"O-Oh, why thank you." The Astorian gushed and William rolled his eyes. So they got along like best friends. What were they gonna do next? Suck each other off?
"Alright, who are you and why are you raping my comrade with your phantasmic eyes, pedo-grin?"
The phantom looked at him with a frown before it blossomed into a wide smile. William had to flinch when the sun blinked off those pearly whites and blinded him temporarily. What, was this guy the male version of Momo or something?
"Say, are you… William, by any chance?" he asked in a breathless fashion that repulsed William so much he felt the hairs at the back of his neck stand on end. Why did this conversation seem like it was going in the direction he thought it was going? He decided to be brave and ask.
"Why? Are you the schnauzer that brought me to this cesspool?"
The phantom – he wasn't going to say his annoying ass name – just smiled wider before a disturbing giggle left his throat.
" Nooo, but who do you think brought you here to begin with?" he countered smoothly.
William growled through grit teeth. "I don't know. If I did, I wouldn't bother asking."
"Well, then I suppose I can't answer you… because even I don't know that… yet, that is."
"The hell do you mean 'yet'?!" the Thief barked and the phantom in the vest and gym shorts chuckled creepily.
"Just who are you anyway?" William hissed.
The phantom smiled wryly. "Mihairu7, the 7 is silent. I am your creator."
"What, you mean, like God or something?"
"Oh, no, no, no, no." he said, waving his hands in front of him. "Your creator. I'm an author, you see. I write… fanfiction."
And just like that, the pieces fit together like glue on a broken pane of glass. Now he remembered, this nut was always writing those awful one-shots about Priscilla and Chad-like undead! And now he said he wrote up William?! He didn't want to believe it.
"How do I know you're not lying?" William asked defensively.
The phantom merely looked at Oscar. "Hey Oscar, what's the outcome of pie?"
"U-Uh, well, in my experience… a full belly and a warm smile?"
"Goddamn it." William cussed before he paused. "Wait a bloody minute. You're the one making me have my ass handed to me by almost every NPC in this trashy kingdom!"
The phantom's face dropped. "Wha-"
"So you're the bitch that brought me here! Oh, I've been waiting for this!" the undead chirped and dug a hand into the palm-sized bottomless box he withdrew from a pouch.
"N-Now, wait a moment. I am not the person that Isekai'd you. I merely wrote the scene for you to be Isekai'd. Surely, that absolves me from any punishm-"
"This is payback for making me piss myself in front of Nito." William glowered and withdrew a spear from the box. The phantom paled – if that was even possible.
"Oh, dear…"
"Take this!"
"AHH!"
"And this!"
"AGGH!"
"And one right behind the ear!"
"YOWCH!"
"William, perhaps we shouldn't anger the man that's writing our past, present and futures, respectively?" Oscar offered.
"He gets what he deserves for making the two of us suffer, Oz." William replied, wiping flecks of blood from his cheek.
"But surely he can't be all that bad," the Astorian defended, "I mean… you're literally stabbing him to death, and he hasn't cursed you out once. Shouldn't that prove his innoce-"
"I-I-I'm going to m-make a Black K-Knight ram a greatsword up your a-ass in the next chapter…" the phantom said weakly.
"…"
"…"
"…"
"…"
William raised the spear high above his head.
"Die bitch!"
"PLEASE! HAVE MERCY!"
"YOU WROTE ME TO POSSESS NO MORALITY, YOU IDIOT! NOW LIVE WITH YOUR MISTAKES!"
" NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! "
"BAH-HAH-HAH HAH-HAH HAAAAA!"
Yeah… that just popped into my head. Catch you next time!