Isekai'd, My Posterior!
Apologies if I've been absent for longer than expected. The riots, looting, shooting and general havoc in my area haven't placed me in the best mental space for writing. That said, I have chapters!
After the awkward, lengthy and generally annoying encounter with a phantom who shouldn't exist in the first place, William was made well aware of several very important facts.
Invasions, as a start, was common practice amongst the protagonists of the many worlds and realities that formed this convoluted chastity belt of corroded crust. When the Thief had first conversed with Argon – a character who was still amazingly uniform without much personality, save for the rare times one brought up a white-haired crossbreed – the invader had been harping on and on about some wedding. Upon further investigation, he and Oscar discovered that certain cliques of Lordran's faceted dimensions engaged in regular visits from dark spirits, however, the twist was that it was mostly for peaceful interactions. Which was completely contradictory when the use of a Black Eye Orb was expressly for doling harm to other lucky bastards in other cozy little realities.
Another noteworthy fact was that phantoms from the real world was also a regular occurrence, which was both splendid and nerve-wracking depending on whichever way you decided to enter the proverbial dragon. Speaking of dragons, he wondered, would Priscilla agree to living out his wild fantasies if he lied and said that it was a custom of his home world? Or perhaps that card would be better suited for use against Gwynevere, should her apparition possess a sentient consciousness. He did admit that being lost in that boob-fest was something he wanted to experience with urgency. Hmm… but what if Gwyndolin was there? Did it mean that he would also feel everything his replicated sister felt since it was his magic? Urgh. He didn't want that. Nobody would. Wait, what was he thinking about agai-
"It seems like we've made it." Oscar interrupted him and the undead stared up at his companion, panting like a horse pumped with so many steroids that its piss was starting to smell like protein powder.
"About goddamn time." William sighed out, wiping his brow and straightening his spine. They had already bypassed the rest of the Burg, hacking away at hollows whilst shoving lit firebombs into the loincloths of stubborn pike bearer's as if it were the bloody fourth of July. Which reminded him of that time his best friend had dropped a black widow in his jeans pocket before it went off and blew his phone to smithereens. He hadn't been able to shit right for a straight month due to the electric shock and explosion of gunpower pressed up against his right hip. Although, if he had to be honest, he had gotten his mate back by pouring hair-removal cream into the idiot's shaving cream and shampoo bottles. Needless to say, William and his best friend hadn't remained friends after that saga. He would have cried at the thought, but really, those had been good times…
But onto the matter at hand, William was irate. More so than that, he was furious, and the outlet he happened to take his frustration out on was, obviously, Oscar.
"Hey Oscar, let me teach you an important lesson in life." The undead said as he slowly regained his breath. Curse his rare act of charity, instead of palming a solid million into Rhea's hand, he could have upgraded his stamina at the bonfire. Whilst it was no secret that he had been saving up the souls from Quemera's death, Nito's gift and the many hollows he had killed to fund his evolution into Usain Bolt, he still had to ask himself why he had instead boosted every other damn stat he possessed besides faith. Seriously, what was level thirty resistance going to get him, a longer survival rate before he was eventually petrified to stone by the ass-ugly basilisks down in the Depths? Damn, he was an idiot.
"A lesson? Ooh, I adore nuggets of wisdom given by one of my closest comra-"
SLAP!
Oscar blinked as William put his glove back on. It took him a moment to realize what had just happened – and what the significance of the Thief's action entailed.
"Did… Did you just?"
" Next time you tell me ascending a staircase inside of a tower will only take five minutes if we run, make sure it only takes five minutes." The silver-haired man huffed, flicking away the wet strands of hair from his forehead.
And he meant it. That stairway had gone on for so long, William had assumed he'd find Heaven at the very top. Unfortunately, he had not found the sight of a harem of fox, tanuki and dog girls dressed in sexy police attire, whilst asking him to 'frisk' them for weapons against the cold and dusty stone walls. What a shame, after a busty police officer had shoved her hand down the front of his pants, stared him dead in the eye and asked him not to move as she dug a manicured hand around for drugs in his underwear, he had thereafter gained a pretty strong fetish for the girls in blue. And perhaps that was his most fond memory of home… next to getting a trio of drinks from a vending machine by accident. But who was keeping score, really?
"Do you suppose that Bull Demon the Merchant mentioned is actually up here?" the Astorian pondered as he searched through the throng of empty beer kegs behind them.
"What, you expect a barterer of information to be insincere? Goby's telling the truth, alright. The only issue is that he didn't specify exactly where said Demon is." William replied as he toed a specific barrel that housed a crystal lizard.
In truth, he knew where and when the Taurus Demon was. Anyone who had played Dark Souls did. And whether the beast would pop up whilst they were pushing those crossbow-wielding hollows off the balustrades, or during the time it took William to catch his breath halfway toward the next agitating set of stairs, he wasn't worried. Why would be? He would be pawning off the job of killing the demon to Oscar, after all. All he needed to do was climb up to the watchtower and tag the ugly shit with arrows.
"But there are more important things to worry about right now," the Thief intoned, drawing his uchigatana and giving the barrel in front of him a good punt. William and Oscar heard a cute shriek before the keg overturned and out jumped a glowing lizard covered in black scales and three distinct twinkling stalagmites sticking out of its spine. His first reaction toward the little reptile was to frown and lower his blade. For some odd reason he felt the inert desire not to mercilessly kill the scuttering creature below him. "huh, it's cuter than I imagined."
The small lizard gazed up at the two of them with black beady eyes, and yet again, William felt the strange gravitational force forcing his sword hand away from the living beast staring at him. It was strange, like watching a cute puppy giving him those googly-eyes he caved into so easily.
"William, it's staring at us." Oscar whispered, lowering into a crouch. The lizard, feeling the lack of hostility, tapped its stubby legs around to face the Astorian. "What do we do?"
William looked the creature up and down for a moment. It was truly quite fascinating. Normally, he would cut down the little bastards hanging off precarious ledges without a second thought before continuing on his journey to pluck the beard off the Lord of Cinder. But now, in the Isekai'd flesh, staring at a tiny animal that would usually cause him to see greed, the undead was startlingly left an impasse. Honestly, this thing was just so… charming. He didn't know whether to stab it whilst its guard was down or start feeding it snacks like some adorable kitten.
"We'll name him Jeff." William said after some deliberation. Oscar merely turned to stare at him, flummoxed.
"Pardon, but aren't these creatures quite rare in Lordran?"
"They are." The Thief replied, picking the lizard up and setting it on his lap.
"Hmph."
"What is it now?"
"Nothing," Oscar defended, hands raised. "it's just odd of you to spare a life when killing it would certainly be an advantage for you."
The undead gave a dry chuckle. "Apt assessment, but I'm not entirely cold-hearted. I actually do have feelings other than sarcasm, rage and lust, you know."
"How glad I am to know you possess a love for anima- what are you doing with that throwing knife?!"
William looked up at the knight, said projectile reflecting the sunlight as he poised it above the now shivering lizard.
"What? You said it yourself, it's a rare creature. I'm not gonna miss this opportunity."
"Yes but killing it after the proud statement you made not a minute ago is…" the knight trailed off, only for William to shake his head and pick up a nearby rock.
"Relax. I'm not gonna kill Jeff. I just named him." he said and knocked the rock against the hilt of the knife, creating a loud plinking sound as the blade cracked the titanite on the reptile's spine. "that doesn't mean I'm not gonna harvest the resource I see, however."
He couldn't really let this opportunity slip by. They hadn't encountered a Black Knight down in the Burg like he had expected – which he was substantially glad for – even though the ring at the sentient armor's feet had been there. Quite frankly, he was partially worried that they wouldn't be able to collect the necessary items needed to ascend any future weapons. That being said, not encountering a Black Knight or Darkwraith with the customary skull and crossbones was still a boon in his books. Oscar may have been strong as a knight right now, but that meant little when facing a juggernaut like those brutes. And besides, the Thief was a lightweight in all honestly. He didn't have much experience swinging any sword besides the one in his pants.
Knocking off the last stalagmite of titanite from the crystal lizard's spine and pocketing the loot, William turned the animal around in his grip to stare into its beady gaze. It really was cute, he had to admit.
He set it on the floor and watched it scurry away like any lizard should. He and Oscar waved goodbye silently as the little creature descended down the stairway they had just come from. William was in awe. Truly. The fact that lizards couldn't walk and breathe at the same time was just astounding. He wondered if it was the same for dragons, or were they exempt from that inability due to the arrays of elemental projectiles stored in their gullets?
"Well then," Oscar said with a huff, "let us be off. We've another bell to ring and I am confident that we can do it!"
William raised a curious brow before frowning. He felt as though he was doing that a lot lately.
"What's got you so excited all of a sudden? Did something nice happen to you on the way here?" the undead quipped and the knight replied with a smile, placing his helmet on his head and turning on his heel. It was almost graceful if you excused the crotch sweat the Astorian wore on him like a locally made cologne, which William had decided to dub as "groin-gag".
"Nay, but I am feeling positive today." He said and turned to the fog wall. "and I'm certain that whatever we find on the other side of that wall, we can overcome together!"
"If you say so." William nodded once before standing up. If his comrade was feeling this enthusiastic, who was he to dampen his mood? He just needed to wait for the elements to do so for him, anyway. That was just how Dark Souls worked. Misery for him. Misery for them. Misery for everyone.
And that was how William and Oscar began their journey into the Upper Burg, before they passed through the fog wall and were met with the swinging pendulums that were the Taurus Demons bulbous testicles in their faces.
The knight gasped in utter surprise as he gagged whilst William cupped his chin and curiously walked forward to examine the beast's prostate. "Not bad," he said nodded his head in respect as the Bull Demon finally looked down at them. William looked up and saw the demonic glare directed their way. The Thief stared back impassively before speaking.
"Oscar, I think I've found your long-lost cousin. There's no mistaking the gravity of this guy's dick sweat, even if you cut off my nose."
And then the Taurus Demon hit him in the face… by literally swinging the monstrous growth between its legs.