Isekai'd, My Posterior!
Did anyone else hear them playing the soundtracks from Final Fantasy VII and XV, respectively? Because I was sure that I heard the victory music from VII and the Somnus OST from XV halfway through all the countries parading through Tokyo Stadium! On a side note, how sick was it to hear them playing the Theme song from Dragon Quest? Damn, I'm so excited! Japan has FINALLY hosted the Olympics!!! And just how amazing was the pyrotechnics, and animation sequence they had from 1964?! Ha-ha-har!
Oh, and there are more chapters of this fic that I will post either later today (I've got about six more hours before the 24th hits) or at midday tomorrow before the first day of the Olympics goes live. With that said, please enjoy.
The purplish bruise that glared out from William's cheek like the ass of a naked smurf stung brilliantly as he attempted to regain his bearings. He couldn't recall what he was doing down on the floor, utilizing the snapped halves of wooden struts as splintery pillows. He wondered, was he in that Irish bar again, challenging the old hag that wore expired Channel No. 5 to another drinking contest he would no doubt lose? Because it would explain why he couldn't stand up. Additionally, had he been molested by a sex offender that turned yellow halfway through attempting to shag him to shame? Because his pants were half removed, and he couldn't find his shoes.
He squinted at the harsh glare staring down on him a yard away. It looked like a white wall of mist. William blinked. Had he drunk so much that the gates of Heaven were calling for him? Holy shit. His landlord was gonna be pissed.
Wait a minute, he frowned, he was an atheist. There was no Heaven for him after death. Just a whole lot of distributed energy that the Earth was going to re-absorb. Hmph, and the vegetarians thought they weren't partaking in meat when the plant life around them swallowed up the flesh of people's corpses in the cemetery in a fruitful endeavor grow more vibrant.
He began to chuckle through the soreness in his throat. He couldn't believe he had forgotten something that important, he must have hit rock bottom and actually eaten one of those pot-filled edibles his weird neighbor kept leaving outside of his door again. And why in tarnation was his esophagus inflamed?! Had he deepthroated a horses meat package or something?
Groaning as he lifted his weathered spine from the floor, William peered down, blinking away the momentary blindness that came with downing vodka shots like they were mini glasses of Capri-Sun. When he gained enough clarity to tell the shade of beige underwear apart from the muddy floorwork underneath him, the undead slowly pulled his pants back on – searching for his lost shoes like some hungover hoe that had slept with a perverted prick that liked to collect the panties of the victims he had gotten lucky with.
A sudden crash sounded a way's ahead of him, followed by the shuddering of stone and wood around him. William coughed as sand and dust rained down from the snapped rafters and caved in ceiling above him as he blearily found a calf-high boot stuck between a miserable grey covered stone and the circular wall.
Giving the singular accessory of footwear a placid stare, he quickly snatched it up and slipped his foot in, toes first before stumbling into and through the white fog in front of him obliviously.
"And then there was one." He mumbled, unaware of the knight to his left, bleeding from the pauldron and staring at him incredulously as his sword hand wobbled in his tired grip.
"William, you're alive!" he exclaimed with a sound akin to a hungry mosquito buzzing annoyingly in his ear. Feeling like he was going to have a headache if he replied, William flipped the man off, stumbling back down onto his knees as he scried around for his left shoe's mate.
The demon his mind had refused to register in its hazy sight regarded him with a mouth-foaming growl, lifting its hand crafted bone hammer above its gnarly head, sending a wave of panic through the Astorian standing a few feet off.
"Oh no, William stop!"
"-eah, tell da 'ol hag she won dis one…" William garbled back as he somehow evaded the massive crater the Taurus Demon made two inches shy of crippling him. The Thief answered the second tremor beneath him with a queasy face.
"And tell God to stop making the bar shiver! We get it, we're all gon' die. At least wait fo' me to put my damn shoe on first."
The dazed undead heard a growl instead and smiled sleepily, eyes shut as if they were too lame to bother looking around him for a change. "yea, thaz more like it!"
The monstrous beast let out another growl before it opened its razor-toothed cavern and emitted a roar so sharp, it screeched against Oscar's armor as if it were tin. The knight gazed helplessly upon his delirious friend as he walked into the demon's range of attack – blue eyes popping out of his skull as the hairier version of the Sasquatch raised its gigantic foot as if it were about to climb onto a stool.
"William! Get out of the way!" he screamed, but his yell fell on deaf ears as the mind-boggled thief showed him the middle finger for the second time. Thinking fast, the Astorian dug a hand into the large pouch behind his back and withdrew one of the black firebombs he had pillaged from a cottage in the Burg. He had only seen William attempt this move once, and his timing and aim had inevitably saved them from the Asylum Demon. He only hoped his luck would prove to be equally as solvent.
Aiming for the gruesome amalgamation's skeletal face, he threw the projectile with all his might. The Taurus Demon roared louder as the potent mix of denser gunpowder ignited with the oil and flame as it splashed onto its face like water, rushing around his head and burning its long fur with a hiss.
A rush of adrenaline raced through the knight's body and he felt the world tilt to move at a lesser fraction of time as he whipped the bow his comrade had dropped from around his shoulder and knocked an arrow against the shaft. Lifting his trembling arms to eye-level, the undead breathed in deeply, oceanic eyes focused on its target as his fingers let go of the drawstring.
His arrow shot out like steam from a kettle before smacking straight into one of the demon's humungous eyes, causing another earth-shattering roar to wrack the balustrade as it tumbled backwards, falling onto its back with a loud thump.
William's body jumped, the force of gravity pushing him upwards from the shockwave of force before forcing him back down. He grunted as his knees slammed against the solid stonework, face colliding with the muscled thigh of the fallen Taurus Demon. The undead inhaled to get some air into his lungs but made a face as the sting of sulfur made him want to upchuck immediately after. Either the table leg he was pressed up against had been washed by a blind scientist, or he was really tripping. How much pot had his neighbor put into those damn edibles?! He was starting to view the worn sofas around the back of the bar as medieval architecture.
Staring ahead of him, William's eyes glinted in joy as he found his other shoe, resting up against the other end of the table he was leaning on. Lifting his hand and pressing his face against the demon thigh he assumed was the grain of the wooden table, the Thief's slender fingers reached out to grab his missing piece of apparel, only to feel something hot and squishy in his grip.
The undead frowned stupidly. He squeezed the object in his hands a few more times to be sure he had grabbed what he thought he had grabbed.
"Uncle Fergis?" he asked confounded, and received a low growl in reply. The undead lifted his head up and saw the angry, bone scorched and on-eyed glare the demon was sending his way. The pieces finally fit together like expired glue on a decade old doorframe and William quickly stopped groping the demon's manhood. He grabbed his shoe, stood up on shaky knees – obviously still disorientated from being wacked in the face with a dick of all things – and slowly backed off, a sheepish smile on his face.
"Err… could we just forget this ever happened?" he asked hopefully. The Taurus Demon rushed to his feet.
"Never mind then, haveagoodday. BYE!" the Thief raced through his words and ran in what he hoped was a straight line toward Oscar, who was scaling the rusty ladder with impressive dexterity.
Not wasting time on ascending the same platform as the monster behind them thundered closer, William launched himself toward the stony wall of the tower in front of him, using what little he knew of parkour to slip his hands and feet into the open grouts in the wall and climb up. He thanked the abs he hadn't worked hard for as they singed with each strenuous step he took, burning like steaming tar on an open wound as he eventually reached the top of the turret and rolled over exhausted. Why the hell had he wasted ten-thousand souls strengthening his limbs if his stamina was still absolute shit? This had to be the dumbest play he had made since coming to this god forsaken rock.
"William, the demon will pummel this tower to rubble if we don't act fast," Oscar's hyperventilating voice found his ears and he turned, saw he knight fire another arrow at the lurching beast of hair and ball musk before an idea hit him like a BDSM whip to a rosy red right cheek. "if you have any suggestions, now is the time!"
"Got it. Drop the bow and impale that bitch in the eye."
The Astorian turned to him, face covered in dirt and sweat, his eyes bloodshot. It was obvious he didn't like the sound of that plan, but they didn't have the time to argue.
"Just trust me and do it!"
"Fine then. FOR ASTORA!!!" the knight shouted, and William felt a sense of déjà vu hit him as he saw Oscar's blessed straight sword sink into the other crimson eye like a finger through an onahole.
The deafening roar that was heard made the his balls shrivel up into his groin, but William pushed on, trying to be the greater of the two sissies that consisted of their duo.
Hopping to the ground, he unsheathed his uchigatana and ran behind the struggling demon as it blindly swiped at a retreating Oscar. William looked up, saw the huge crusty ass cheeks of the demon before him that could snap his neck in two or just use him as a living dildo before the undead swallowed a dry lump in his throat. Forget what he said earlier. This was the dumbest play he had ever done since coming to this bloody kingdom.
Two-handing the elegant hilt, William took a breath and swung his blade quickly, folded steel meeting calloused, dry feet as he cut into the Achilles heel of the beast. Luckily for him, his blade had been kept in mint condition for this moment. The sword whistled as it sliced through thick skin and flesh, severing the stability of the demon's foot and causing it to yelp in pain.
William took a step back to watch the scene unfold but left too little a space between him and their foe as the Taurus Demon fell onto its ass, left hand wildly waving around for a handhold before it back handed him. The undead screeched as the bones in his forearm broke; but managed to cry through the pain as he watched their ugly enemy slip and topple over the broken edge of the castle barrack, head crunching against the outer side of the wall as it fell to its death.
The battle won, William toppled to his knees and dropped his sword, snatching the flask at his hip as he drank deep, sighing out as the fractures in his arm and brain damage caused by that phallus plow repaired themselves.
"We are… very lucky we survived that." Oscar offered as he pulled his friend up. William huffed in mild amusement, too tired to bother with a wisecrack.
"I've heard that one before. Thankfully, you won't be the last." He sighed out loudly as he lifted his boot from its resting place hooked on his belt. Walking around with one shoe wasn't new to him but having to do battle like that was just so off putting. It was like those times you had to pee at a public latrine, got freaked out by the middle-aged janitor staring at you from the side, washing up and leaving, only to realize you still had a few drops left in the tank that you knew would make you scamper about a public CBD like a wanna-be Michael Jackson with AIDS symptoms.
"How do you suppose it arrived here?" Oscar pondered, sheathing his sword and wiping the blood off from William's, "I thought those atrocities only dwelled in the ruins of Izalith where the viable exits had all caved in centuries ago?"
William dusted himself off as he placed his other foot back down, walking with his companion toward the adjacent tower, his black eyes peeled for any sign of that damnable drake. Fortunately, it didn't show up as they were crossing into the passageway underneath the second garrison tower. They descended the stairway at the end and William immediately turned right as he replied to Oscar's geographically apt question.
"It isn't unthinkable for one or two of them to squeeze their way out of their den. Think about us and the Asylum. Wasn't that also meant to be an inescapable prison?" he didn't mention the fact that the prophecy of the Undead Quest stating that an undead would break out of the Asylum eventually basically contradicted his point.
"I suppose you're right," Oscar nodded in understanding. "It would be wise of me to begin thinking outside of the box, as it were then. If we assume that these forms of madness could use what little intelligence they possess to escape, it could also be possible for some of them to do battle like human beings. If so, we need to remember not to overestimate them when next we face… and carry weapons with a stronger punch to them…"
William stared at the knight with an unreadable expression. Whether he wanted to believe it or not, his nimrod Astorian compatriot was starting to grow a brain in that cobwebbed tomb he called a skull. Perhaps it was due to his own progression throughout Lordran, or was it just William's influence allowing the undead to focus his thoughts into a needle?
Yes or no, the Thief felt mildly apprehensive about this additional sliver of information. If things turned out like they did in the original game, he could find himself at knife's end by none other than his aryan companion seeking to let Kaathe chomp his big ass teeth into all the humans still living in the world. However, what if things had taken a turn? After all, he had single-handedly prevented Quelaag from dying, and had gone as far as to bring back Cecil and that infuriating chunibyo sister back from Izalith in exchange for a salacious round of funbag fondling. Perhaps he could also stop Oscar from turning dark if he decided to go into the light?
In actual fact, William had no desire in linking the Flame. The entire reason he had saved Oscar was so that the cuck could take on the mantle of Chosen Undead and simultaneously be the human shield that got him out of the Asylum. After that, he was just going to run around, laze about in Seath's Archive, maybe teach Anastasia how to moan without a tongue. But that plan had backfired after Bone Daddy had deemed Oscar 'not worthy'. So, the undead figured he might as well tag along for the ride, get his free kicks where he could, groom the Astorian into a Stud, and then slip the Lord Souls he had into the idiot's pocket whilst he wasn't looking. It was a done deal as far as theory went. He could wing it in practice… right?
"Watch out for the drake." He said to the knight when he heard the sound of wingbeats.
"What drake?" Oscar typically asked like any dolt that hadn't realized that his advice was law when in a world where gods were either dead or shirking their duties.
The wingbeats grew louder and William skirted past his friend and down the stairway leading to a broad balcony that displayed a breathtaking view of the endless sun, pushing through the oppression of the clouds with its brilliant glow.
"William?" Oscar said once more but got no reply. It wasn't too long after that the sound of the oversized drake's nauseating belch set the knight's surcoat on fire.
"AAAAHHHHHH!!!"
William rolled his eyes as he watched his friend tumble down the stairs, rolling around wildly to put out the angry flames.
"Hah-ha, well this is an amusing sight to behold." A gentle, warm voice met William's ears and he turned, mood already brightening as he gazed upon the helmed visage of Solaire. "it certainly has been a while since I've seen such brotherly bonds burning brightly before baroque Burg's."
The undead raised a high eyebrow at that. This guy's alliteration was on fleek. Wait, did people even use the word 'fleek' anymore? Whatever. The fact is: he was going to get along greatly with this version of the Adherent of Sunlight.
Not gonna lie, this fic might outrank my pilot story with how popular it's grown. Thank you guys for enjoying this ridiculous adventure so much.