As always, these chapters are subject to change since I'm basically writing without a plan in mind.

I know I made Archer a bit OC, but I will never be able to 100% accurately portray the character because I'm not Nasu. When writing characters, aspects of the writer's personality will always be present. Because me and Nasu have nowhere near the same writing style, I said fuck it and just did what I wanted with the character. You'll have a much better reading experience if you're not looking for pure stay night Archer. Due to my own inability, I can't give him to you.

Chapter 2

Kuroko Smith, a well accomplished interspecies exchange coordinator, was actually quite lazy despite her position. She was diligent during the exciting jobs, where demi-humans were causing problems and she could show off her Monster Operations Neutralization squad, but pretty much half assed everything else. Showing up late, shirking off assignments, and over-all irresponsible conduct were a norm for her. However, she managed to keep her position as a coordinator due to her impeccable luck.

However, she had never quite screwed up as badly as a few days ago. Dropping a species representative off at the wrong house was grounds for employment termination. If anything untold happened to them, it would be an interspecies diplomatic incident, one in which she was partially responsible for.

No good! She had no plausible deniability in this instance! If the real host were the one to cause problems, she had the ability to blame the scouting and intelligence departments responsible for vetting candidates. But she left the Lamia girl with a random person! All because she had a hangover and haphazardly read the host's address incorrectly.

To make matters worse, only now after an entire week had gone by did she realise her mistake.

Immediately her mind began thinking of worst case scenarios. Lamia weren't the most well liked demi-humans species, but Smith hoped that if anything bad had happened, discrimation and hostility would be the extent. However, demi-humans were rare. Most people never get the chance to meet one. Thus they would be a high priced item on the black market, especially a pretty girl like Miia.

Rushing out of the office, eliciting a questioning yell from Zombina which she didn't listen to, Smith quickly hopped in one of the company vans - why waste her own gas? - and drove around looking for the house she vaguely remembered dropping Miia off at. Because it was the wrong address so she couldn't look it up in the company records.

'I swear if I have to take the HR guy out for drinks one more time I'm going to strangle someone.'

Yes, all of this happened because the night before dropping Miia off she had gone out drinking as a bribe to the head of HR. And yes, she and HR do not get along. Surprise surprise.

Eventually, Smith pulled up in front of a familiar looking house. Looking around the neighborhood and finding it recognizable, she decided that it was the correct spot.

'It'll be fine.' she told herself. Although not believing her own thoughts, they did say to fake it 'til you make it, and with her luck it was bound to turn out okay, right?

During her approach of the door, a goosebump inducing chill ran through her body.

'That's not a good sign.' Her logic being that she thought her survival instincts were screaming at her to get away for some reason.

In reality, it was her passing through the bounded field Archer had erected over the property. Before, the field only sensed malicious intent, which is why it went unnoticed by Smith and Miia before, but now it thoroughly scanned anyone that came in and sent the information directly to him. Archer thought it prudent to increase security since he had an important guest staying with him.

Stepping up and ringing the bell, it didn't take but five seconds for the door to be answered, since Archer had already been alerted to her presence. When he emerged, Smith noted the smell of food emanating from within the house and the appren around the exotic looking owner's torso.

"Um … hello, I'm …"

"The irresponsible woman who dumped onto me a problem which wasn't mine."

Stab. His words were like a dagger through her heart.

"The level of incompetence you, a supposed coordinator, showed me was appalling."

Stab.

"I mean, you're a government agent, aren't you? Or at least an employee of a government allied corporation? What happened to your training? I hope HR doesn't put up with you."

Stab.

"Well at the very least you remembered to come back. But only after a week? What would have happened if I were a scumbag and took advantage of her, or sold her to the black market?"

Stab. Stab.

During his tirade, her head began to hang lower and lower in shame.

'Ah, I want to cry.' Even her inner thoughts sounded hollow. She could feel his piercing stare on her skin, but she had just enough shame in her, who was normally shameless, to not look him in the eye. With both expecting the other to say something, the silence dragged on for an uncomfortably long time.

"Smith-san, was it?" Archer eventually asked, despite knowing full well that was her name.

"Huh? Oh yes!"

"I assume you'll want to actually meet the person who you're in charge of?"

"I would appreciate that." She noticed his condescending tone hadn't disappeared in the slightest. Normally, she adopted a care free attitude in which people get sucked into her own pace. Now, however, she could barely muster up anything more than meek replies like a child being scolded by their mother.

"In that case, come inside. I was just teaching her how to cook since she wanted to learn so badly."

Smith gave him her sympathies for the endeavor, knowing full well how clumsy the Lamia girl was. Still, it was good that he seemed to be treating the girl just fine and was a fairly decent guy from the looks of it, if only a bit grumpy.

Stepping into the house and taking off her shoes, a yell came from further within.

"Who was the door?!"

Archer turned to yell back.

"Your coordinator finally came back to pick you up!"

To that, no response. The only sound being a quickened slithering and the sight of Miia popping out into the main hallway that ran the length of the house.

Smith's eyes widened upon seeing Miia. Or rather her current state of dress. With a ladle in one hand and a worried expression, the lamia came slithering towards them only wearing an apron to cover her top, looking just like the newlywed stereotype.

'Did he force her to wear that? Or did she choose to?'

She got her answer not a moment later when Miia wrapped her tail around Archer and pulled him closer in an abrupt fashion, his face seemingly resigned. The girl wrapped her free arm around his in an affectionate way.

"Smith-san, you can't take me away! I want to stay with my darling!"

"Eh?"

"Eh?"

Both Archer and Smith echoed each other in reaction to the bombshell the girl just dropped. However, Smith's surprise quickly turned to amusement.

'Definitely chose to.'

'How did this happen?' Archer asked himself.

To be fair, this question was rhetorical, since he already knew the answer.

'Despite not wanting to act in a way my younger self would, it seems Emiya Shirou is cursed to make the same mistakes over and over.'

Yes, that's right. Emiya Shirou, a hypocrite and a madman with no survival instinct, eternally doomed to perpetually chase the same foolish dream, was also an expert at making women fall for him.

His younger self would always accomplish this by accident or by stubbornly pursuing them with all his heart. Either way, the actions which earned their love were usually driven by his selfish yet selfless desire to save. At the end of the day, the intent was never to be a ladies man.

Archer, being far older and having gained a multitude of experience over his long life, knew generally how to make women fall for him on purpose or how to do the opposite and keep a relationship platonic.

Which was why he was so confused.

'I haven't done anything to make her fall for me …'

No, that's not true. He could deduce the reason as to why, but was simply flabbergasted at his own gross overestimation.

From his perspective the hospitality he had shown the lamia girl over the past week was not enough to her infatuation. And any human woman with a modicum of pride and self autonomy would agree with him on that thought.

'But then again, I'm not dealing with a human girl.'

This internal conflict of his started the day after Miia moved in.

Having spent the entire first day with her, he had gotten the chance to learn her mannerisms quite thoroughly, especially since the girl's emotions were an open book. He had seen her gradually relax as the day went on, continually opening herself up more and more. He found that behind her initial nervous, meek behavior, she was extremely bubbly, energetic, and ditzy.

That day, when they went to sleep, so far so good. The both of them were comfortable enough in each other's presence, more than one would expect under the circumstances. Then the second day rolled around, and Archer noticed her stares lingering just a bit longer than usual. That, and the secret glances she would take thinking he wouldn't notice.

Not too surprising, he thought at the time. After all, Archer, despite his low opinion of himself, could admit he was quite handsome. Well, mostly because others had told him so. Anyways, given his good looks, he assumed that was the entire reason she stared at him. Simple biological attraction.

But by the third day, he noticed a problem. The twinkle in her eye and the overly bright smile that were ever present while he was close indicated he underestimated her level of infatuation for him. However, where he really started to see problems was when he came back from work that day.

Opening the door, he found her wearing a low cut top that hugged and outlined her voluptuous body. Not a huge issue, if she didn't intentionally show herself off at every chance she got, trying and failing to be subtle. This type of behavior continued for the next four days, with her using every opportunity to bridge the gap between them. And now, with it being Saturday and him having the day off, she asked him to teach her how to cook. A common tactic to get closer to one you like is to take an interest in their hobbies, craft or profession, and Archer easily caught on that this was her attempt.

On a side note, he found it amusing yet frustrating that the girl was as clumsy in a kitchen as Kiritsugu and Taiga were.

Flattering as it was that an incredibly pretty woman was interested in him, it was also worrying.

'Isn't she … a little too easy!'

This had never happened before. No one had ever fallen for him this quickly. The girl received merely the base standard for kindness and now was trying to seduce him at every turn.

'Are … are all demi-human girls like this? No, I know for a fact that's not true. Polt, the kobold girl, isn't like this. Sure she is passionate, but about fitness, interspecies relations, and her own goals and aspirations.'

If Archer didn't know better, from the way Miia methodically and shamelessly threw herself at him, he would almost believe she was an experienced seductress. But given how earnest and clumsy the attempts were, and with how genuinely happy she was, he doubted the girl had any experience and was merely operating off of instinct. Which was almost worse.

Still, he thought that it was because it was her nature. Lamia were known to be passionate after all, and he thought that when she left, her real host would receive the same level of affection as he had.

But then …

"Smith-san, you can't take me away! I want to stay with my darling!"

Oh.

'How did this happen?'

And we've come full circle.

"I see you have been taking good care of her … darling-kun~" Smith teased with no small amount of amusement. Archer had a litany of complaints and snappy comments ready to be made, but Miia answered quicker than he.

"Yeah! Darling's been wonderful! So please, Smith-san, let me stay here!"

"Wait a minute!" he yelled, flinching as her tail tightened around him. "I never agreed to house you permane …" his protest was cut off.

"I'm fine with it."

"I'm not! Do your job, coordinator! And Miia, you're a nice girl but I'm not equipped nor willing to take care of you for the long term."

"You … you don't want me here Darling?" Miia looked at him with sorrowful and pained eyes. Most men would be at risk of giving in under the pressure of that gaze, but Archer found it more annoying than anything. Since his youth, women like this were his weakness, and finding himself under that same familiar pressure irked him.

"Tch. Don't look at me with those pathetic eyes."

"But … but .."

"Now now, Darling-kun. Let's discuss this like responsible adults."

"You're the last person I want to hear anything about responsibility from."

"You wound me," she responded quickly with a neutral tone. "Anyways, what were you two cooking? I spent my morning driving around looking for this place so I'm famished."

"You …! Fine, just sit down at the table and shut up while we get it ready."

Giving Smith one last pleading look, Miia unwrapped herself from Archer and followed him back to the kitchen to help. Being the audacious person she was, Smith felt no discomfort in sitting down where Archer told her and kicking her feet up. Seeing this, Archer thought about yelling at her, but held his tongue, thinking it wasn't worth it.

While preparing the food, with the exception of directing her on certain tasks, Miia and he did not speak. The girl was incredibly sad and worried about having to leave. Archer believed she would quickly get over it, but then again, letting things go was far more difficult for someone young like her than it was for a multi century old being like himself. Still, despite this, her affectionate stares and causal brushes against his body while they worked had not ceased.

Glancing at Smith-san every once and a while, he could see she was slightly amused at the awkward atmosphere between the two. Considering that she already teased him about being called Darling, there wasn't any doubt she was having fun with Miia's troubled fondness for him.

After serving and quickly eating the meal, which Smith-san seemed to enjoy immensely, she asked if there was anything to drink in the house, to which he responded that she should buy her own. She thought it was worth a shot.

"Is that impudent stomach of yours full?" Archer, after cleaning everyone's dishes, asked her. "If so, let's move on to your business here."

"Yes, let's. As I said a week ago, renovators will be coming by your house to prepare it for Miia's stay here."

"Hold on! As I said a week ago and will keep saying, she can't stay here."

"But she's been staying here."

"Only as a consequence of your screw up."

"Let's not point fingers here. It's water under the bridge."

"I swear …" Archer grumbled, struggling not to lose his cool. A portion of his consciousness noted that Miia was being offly quiet, but he understood that she was intently waiting to see the outcome of their discussion.

"If both you and her are intent on forcing the responsibility of her well-being onto me, then let me ask you three things? One, what makes you think I'm an acceptable host for her? Two, what happened to her original host? And three, what makes you think I won't sue you for unprofessional and illegal conduct?"

"D-darling, you would go that far to get rid of me?"

"Maybe and maybe not. It's because the future isn't decided that I'm asking these questions."

His answer did nothing to alleviate the ache on her heart.

"Well, darling-kun~," Archer's eyebrow twitched at her tone, "while I don't have any proof, and you certainly haven't passed any background checks yet, the fact that Miia is very fond of you despite how short her stay has been stay tells me all I need to know. She might be ditzy, but lamia have almost a sixth sense when choosing male partners. If you weren't trustworthy in any way, then she wouldn't have grown this attached."

Hearing this, Archer's face remained passive, hiding that he completely disagreed with Smith's assessment.

'Listening to one's instincts is important, but one should also verify them with cautious investigation.'

Also, Smith referring to him as her 'male partner' like they were already a couple vexed him a bit.

"As for her original host … well … that's an interesting story," Smith said, turning towards Miia while wearing a solemn look. "Be glad that I dropped you here instead of at your real host's place."

"Why?" Miia sat up straighter, curious as to what happened. Archer was the same. Given his cynical nature, his mind immediately thought of grim scenarios in which her real host was a piece of shit that would have hurt her.

"Yesterday, the renovators showed up at his residence thinking you had been dropped off there. However, they quickly noticed that you weren't on the property. Upon questioning the man, he angrily informed them you never showed up. But in his anger, he accidentally revealed certain … aspects of his personality."

It was exactly as Archer feared …

"Apparently, he was a massive pervert with a lamia fetish."

… or not

"Ehhhh? But that's a little …"

"Weird, right? And while he was completely harmless, you undoubtedly would've been creeped out."

Archer almost blurted out 'So your employer's vetting process is just as incompetent as you are!' but he managed to hold his tongue. Truthfully though, his grievances about Miia staying there lessened a bit due to hearing about the alternative.

Shit, was he relenting? No! The moment Emiya Shirou relents, he always gets dragged into additional, unnecessary problems.

"Yeah, I don't think I would've liked that," Miia said, agreeing with the coordinator's words. "But Darling …" she turned towards him, her passionate smile on her face, "I don't think I would mind if you had a fetish for me. No! In fact, I would prefer that you did!"

"And what do you say to my third question?" he asked Smith, completely disregarding whatever nonsense Miia just said.

"Darling …!" she whined at being ignored.

"You mean about us being sued? To that I say: I doubt your lawyer is as good as the cultural exchange program's lawyer. He's gotten very good at fixing my legal problems."

"So you're just essentially bullying me into accepting this? And I think I just heard something at the end which makes you look even worse."

"I don't know what you're so aggrieved about. Living with a cute lamia girl is the dream of many. And it's not like you have to pay for any of this. We'll take care of any and all expenses regarding her cost of living here."

"... so you'll pay for the renovations, food, water, heating, clothing, health insurance, etc?"

"Of course."

"I still can't. I'm renting this house. Decisions about renovations are for the owner to make."

"Then we'll buy the house from them."

"And what about … I'm sorry, what did you just say?"

"The exchange program will buy the house for you. In fact, we'll take care of any and all payments from now on. Bills, taxes, debts, we'll cover it."

Archer's eyes widened in disbelief. This was asinine. The length at which she and her employers were willing to go in order to allow Miia to stay there was … baffling. He didn't like it.

"Why would you go so far? Why am I getting special treatment?"

Smith stared at him silently for a moment before letting out a sigh.

"The truth?"

"Yes, get to the point."

"Well, if you officially become her host, then it can be said that I succeeded in doing my job by bringing Miia to the correct place."

"So you're desperately covering up your own mistake?! Unbelievable!"

Archer was exhausted. Even the clock tower politics never drove him this mad. What made it worse was that he was being screwed with by a person who held no malice or evil intentions, and instead was just a lazy incompetent.

'I want my peace and quiet back,' he thought.

"So, do we have a deal?"

"Not quite."

"Still? I'm not sure what else there is to discuss. This is a wonderful deal for you. Besides, if you don't take in Miia, she'll have to either go back home, which would mean she wasted her time and effort learning the Japanese language and culture, or she would go to another host. Do you really want to leave her in someone else's hands, especially after the revelation about her first host?"

'So now you're threatening Miia and I with the incompetence of your own selection process?'

Archer couldn't believe what was happening. And truthfully, from a completely logical perspective, the deal brought a lot to the table for him. However, the conduct of the negotiator made him reluctant and frustrated to accept. Not to mention, the fact that Miia was growing extremely attached to him worried him slightly.

But he still agreed.

"Fine, yes, we have a deal."

"Darling!"

Archer barely had time to react as the lamia leaped across the table to hug him. Wrapping her tail around both him and the back of his chair, he was essentially pinned down and at her mercy. Luckily, she was rather content with just hugging him tightly and giggling with delight. However, noticing her tail beginning to squeeze him tighter than he was comfortable with, he murmured 'trace on' and reinforced himself in case she became overly enthusiastic. Snakes were known to kill their prey through crushing them after all.

"Do you have the necessary paperwork for me to fill out?" he asked, still in Miia's embrace.

"Not right now. I'll come back tomorrow along with the renovators. We still need to run an extensive background check on you, but we'll have that done by later tonight."

"Not so extensive if it'll take less than a day."

"What was that?"

"I'm sure I said it loud enough for you to hear me. Or are your ears as deficient at their job as you are at yours?"

"Well at least that pretty face of yours distracts one from your terrible personality. Miia, don't be fooled by this man." the coordinator said light-heartedly.

"Smith-san, don't insult my Darling." Miia responded, turning her head to look at Smith while maintaining her vice grip on Archer. She didn't catch that the coordinator was joking.

"Oh, but I said he has a pretty face."

"Did you? Well, that's good … wait, are you trying to seduce him?!"

"How did you come to that conclusion?!" Archer exclaimed.

After a bit of bickering, and Archer convincing a reluctant Miia to let go in exchange for a date, Smith-san dropped a bomb of her own.

"Ah yes, I forgot to ask this until now. Darling-kun, what's your name?"

"Eh?"

Archer stared at her, trying to be surprised at her question but finding it in line with the rest of her devil-may-care modus operandi. Still, he thought he'd ask.

"You came all the way to my house without knowing who I was?"

"I only found my way here because I'm good with directions. I didn't even know your address until half an hour ago. Remember, because dropping Miia off here was a mistake, we don't have your address on file. How was I supposed to know your name?"

"Why didn't you use your connections to look it up once you had found my house? My address is displayed outside so you should have been able to see it. I imagine a simple phone call to the right people would've gotten you the necessary info. Don't tell me your first course of action was to walk up to the front door?"

"Well …" she didn't deny it.

Archer sighed. "Why did I even ask?"

"That's the spirit, Darling-kun. Now, your name?"

Archer was grateful for his foresight. When creating his phony background and identity, he decided to use his real name, if only because it made it feel more fake. After all, he had given up the name a long time ago.

But in order to do this, he had to check if his younger self existed in this world to avoid any complications. And, to Archer's pleasant surprise, he did not. Probing the moonlit contacts he had discovered over the last six months, he found that the grail war did not exist in this world and that Kiritsugu had been killed in the mid 1990's. Theoretically, he could exist, but not under the name Emiya.

Because of this, he could confidently reveal his name and be subject to a background check without issue. In fact, they wouldn't find much about him at all, which was typical of fake identities. But even if they were disgruntled about the lack of information, he was confident they couldn't accuse him of anything.

"My name is Emiya Shirou. Age 28. I work as a chef."

"Emiya Shirou, huh?" Smith mused, tapping her chin. "I think I like 'Darling-kun~' better."

If Archer had actually cared about his name, he probably would have been insulted.