I'll be completely honest. The reason it took me so long to upload is because I simply forgot. I wrote this chapter like 2.5 weeks ago and it then sat in my google drive untouched. Apologies.

As always, these chapters are subject to change since I'm basically writing without a plan in mind.

Also, since I do the editing myself, I may have missed some spots. Be lenient with me.

Chapter 4

Early in the morning on a humid august day, faint sounds of cooking emanated from Archer's kitchen. He was preparing breakfast for Miia who had yet to wake up.

Though Miia was an adult and should be able to cook for herself, he couldn't trust her to make anything worth a damn. It hadn't taken him long to discover that she lacked the ability to make even the simplest of meals when left alone.

After looking at the clock, he quickened his pace. Having overslept, he would be running a little late for work if he didn't show a bit of haste.

Yes, late. Archer couldn't remember the last time he was late waking up. Well, except for when injured, but he was definitely not that.

After the events of yesterday, him and Miia finally had sex, and they got a little bit too into it. She wasn't kidding when she claimed that lamia mated all night long for that's exactly what they did.

'I should have used hypnosis to make her fall asleep once it became 3 am.'

He could only say this in hindsight though, as he hadn't realised how late (or early?) it was until the sunlight shined through their window. That's when he decided to call it quits and use hypnosis, but too little too late.

Archer wasn't terribly proficient at hypnosis. Actually, he was rather inept, and anyone with a modicum of will power could resist his attempts. However, at the time of use, Miia was exhausted from their spell of coition, so it was far more effective than usual.

Anyways, long story short, he was operating on an hour of sleep. That was fine for him, considering magi needed less sleep than most, and especially him because he had gone days without sleep in the past. He had also, in the past, subjected himself to sleep deprivation training just in case he was ever tortured. All in all, Archer was more than functional. But that's not to say he was comfortable.

A small mercy of working in the kitchen and not on the floor as a waiter was that only his colleagues would see the periorbital dark circles under his eyes.

Finishing up, he dished the food onto a plate, wrapped it, and placed it in the fridge for Miia to eat later. A moment later, he was out the door.

During his route to work, Archer cut across a park which was popular amongst the residents of the area. Every morning it was filled with people who were similarly commuting, and only later in the day would stay-at-home mothers with their dogs and toddlers show up. The park covered a surprisingly large stretch of land, containing multiple pathways, plenty of benches and picnic tables, and a fountain that acted as the center attraction.

Archer commuted through this park every morning without incident. He should have known that the one day he was running late such an incident would occur. His E rank luck was operating at full capacity.

While briskly walking, weaving his way through the hordes of people, he noticed a peculiar sight. Off to the left of his walking path was an ice cream stand. Nothing out of the ordinary in the summer. But the young blue haired girl with bird wings and skimpy clothes was the sight which attracted his attention.

'A harpy,' he thought to himself. He hadn't seen one since he came to this world, so he couldn't help but stare for a moment. But it was a brief moment, and he didn't cease walking to do so.

Looking around, he didn't see her host family anywhere.

'Perhaps she's lost.'

The owner of the stand seemed to think the same, and was trying to convince her to return only when she had her host family and actual money with her.

The harpy, with a pouting face, whirled around, looking for something. Or someone. Probably her host, but he couldn't help but notice she was staring directly at him …

Nope! No way!

His brisk walk became a hurried jog and he was tempted to start sprinting at full speed.

Archer could feel it. His luck was trying to screw him over. Like destiny was whispering in his ear "how about I make this your problem."

He was late for work. He did not have time for this.

"Hey! Mister!" a high pitched voice called out to him.

Alas, fate was a cruel mistress. He could hear her laughing mockingly at him.

"Hey!" the voice said louder, and from much closer this time. As Archer sighed and turned around, the harpy apparently decided to grab his shoulder with her talons and drag him over to the fountain nearby. He had to restrain himself not to skewer the damn bird girl for casually assaulting him and triggering his fighting instinct, especially when her claws damn near pierce his skin.

"What the hell?! Is there a reason you've decided to attack me?!"

"I needed you, so look after me."

"That's quite a thing to say to someone you just met." he glared angrily at blue haired harpy. If she wasn't such an idiot, perhaps she would have been frightened by his sharp gaze. Unfortunately, her survival instincts were on the same level as those birds that fly head first into a window and kill themselves.

"Are you going to introduce yourself or will I be kept waiting in suspense?" he asked, his tone prickly as could be.

"Harpy's a papi! Oh wait, no Papi's a harpy! That's what Papi is!"

"What?"

"Like I said Parpy's a … papi? No, wait …"

'Is this girl okay?'

To him, she seemed to have some kind of speech impediment. Or was she just ludicrously dumb? He would leave judgement up to his future self.

"Anyways, so … Papi right?"

"Yeah, that's right!"

"Why did you drag me over here? And also, where is your host family? It's illegal for you to be out alone, especially if you're galavanting around attacking strangers in a park."

"What? That's why I brought you along."

"I'm not your host. If I was, I'd have known your name," he asserted sternly, but she seemed completely unresponsive to his attitude towards her. Actually, she wasn't listening at all, still staring at the ice cream stand from earlier.

"Mister, you have money, right? Buy me something from that food cart!"

"Why should I? I'll say again, I'm not your host."

Once again she ignored him and pulled on his arm to drag him towards the stand. However, this time she found he was a little harder to move than earlier. Unlike before, he could brace himself and considering their size difference, it wasn't that surprising he was unmovable, especially with how muscular Archer was.

Miia was very pleased with those muscles the previous night.

After Papi struggled to move him, pulling with all her might, she suddenly let go and backed away from him.

"Hold on, who are you?" Distrust and weariness were shown in her face and body language. Her voice dropped an entire octave as the jubilant tone was dispelled from her system. Archer couldn't keep his brow from twitching at her antics.

"You're certainly quick on the uptake," he mocked with sarcasm oozing from his words. Unfortunately, that sarcasm soared over the head of Papi and landed flat in the metaphorical box of noncomprehension. Seeing her head tilting confusedly to his derisive comment, he sighed and answered honestly.

"I'm Shirou, the random guy you decided to bother."

"W-wait, then where's the terminator?"

'Does she mean coordinator?'

The sight of her distressingly looking around once again, now having realised the man in front of her was not familiar, Archer sighed and roughly put a hand to his face in frustration.

'I need to call Smith-san.'

"... so that's where you found her. Good job."

"I don't need praise. What I do need is for your office to call my employer and inform him as to why I'm missing work right now."

"Fine. So, uh, Darling-kun, about Papi-"

"Yeah, I'll keep watch over her until you pick her up. Just hurry it up."

"Wait-"

Click. He hung up. It sounded like she needed to tell him something important but his current mood prevented him from caring. Instead, he turned back to the harpy whose neck he had gripped in order to prevent her from running away while he was on the phone.

"Your coordinator is on her way, Papi," he said while releasing her from his hold. "I'll hand you over to her when she gets here."

"Ok mister," she then paused and said, "Wait, can you not? They said the next time I ran away I would be deflowered."

"... so that my image of Smith-san doesn't degrade into criminal territory, I'm going to assume you meant 'deported.'"

She then turned her head back to the fountain and immediately took off.

'This little …'

But he was too late. One moment she was conveniently dry, and the next she was splashing around in the water, somehow having taken off her clothes in record time before she got in.

"Hey, mister, no one ever told me they had bird baths in the middle of town. And I was feeling super dirty from running around all night, so this is great!"

Watching the ridiculously stupid harpy girl, which he had been entrusted responsibility of, strip down in the middle of a public park made him rethink staying with her. The temptation to just walk away and claim ignorance was strong.

'Assault and now public indecency. How lucky I am to be both the victim and witness of her crime spree.'

His self deprecating smirk was not present as any mirth or irony to be found in his suffering was drowned out by his flaring temper.

"I hadn't realised that harpies were prone to stripping naked in front of strangers. Papi, put your clothes back on." He ordered with a growl.

"Eh? But you don't bathe with your clothes on." Her face twisted into a victorious, mocking smirk. "Are you stupid?"

His brow twitched.

'Is it too late for me to skewer this girl?'

He had had it. It was time he put a foot down on the situation. The girl was completely incompatible with human society. He was deeply questioning if all harpies were this stupid, and if so, how they survived for this long.

Then again, Papi could've been mentally challenged, but it was doubtful. Archer watched with utter annoyance as the naked harpy splashed around in front of many, understandably, staring people. They were stuck in the 'I want to look away but can't cause something absurd is happening right now' trance. He imagined there were a few perves getting turned on as well.

First he collected the scattered clothing the girl had left on the ground. Then, he stuffed a hand into his bag, which held his work clothes, in order to hide his magecraft and projected a towel.

He walked up to the Papi with a menacing look. "I'll drag you out of there if you don't get out yourself."

"Ahh this feels so nice …" she ignored him completely. Actually, she never even heard him to begin with. With his temper having boiled over, with cold eyes and a twitching brow, he stepped closer to the fountain to yank her out.

"Okay, don't say I didn't warn y-"

"Stop looking like that and bathe with me."

Her talon shot up towards his head, but he quickly leaned back, causing it to catch his shirt instead. A perfectly good shirt was ripped apart that day as her talon tore through the cloth like melted butter. Fortunately he didn't get dragged in, but was now bare chested and trying to wrestle a naked girl out from a fountain in a public place. It wouldn't've surprised him if the cops showed up before Smith did.

The world was seriously trying to mock him. But at least it couldn't get any wor-

"Darling! I found you-"

Oh.

A familiar voice cut off upon seeing his current situation. Archer turned his head to see Miia glaring at him and the oblivious harpy, holding what looked to be a … wrapped plate? He would ask later.

"Miia!" he called out to her, hoping to procure her assistance. "Help me out with … this?"

But she wasn't listening either.

"How … How dare you bird bitch! Bathing with Darling … that's so UNFAIR!"

"Eh?"

"I haven't done that yet with Darling! It's so unfair! Just go die!"

Papi sprung up, crouching on the side of the fountain ready to strike.

"You wanna fight me?" she asked excitedly.

'Where did that attitude come from? Papi looks semi-competent now that an actual fight is upon her. Perhaps it's instinctual,' Archer mused.

"Darling! It looks like we're having chicken tonight! I'm gonna fry this skinny little bird bitch!"

"Chicken?! I dare you to say that again, you overgrown worm!"

"I'm a snake, bird-brain!"

'I won't point out that she just willingly degraded herself,' Archer couldn't help but think. Sure she had snake qualities, but a good majority of her organs were human with the exception of those in her tail which was mostly muscle. For her to just proclaim that she's a snake instead of her actual species was kinda like a human claiming to be an ape.

Also, 'overgrown worm?'

'Is the reason why Papi's so eager to fight Miia because bird's are natural predators of worms?'

It was no wonder she was poised.

Watching them begin to claw and whip at each other, he couldn't help but notice that despite the absurdness of the situation, they were actually throwing out pretty harmful attacks.

Was he just going to stand by and watch this unfold? Of course not.

With the towel still in hand, he snuck up behind Papi and quickly wrapped it around her, wings and all, using it to restrain her. He then pinched the towel in his hand tight and used it almost like a bag to lift the harpy from the fountain and plopped her on the ground. He did this in such a swift motion that by the time Papi released an 'ahhh' in surprise, she was already on dry land.

Laying his palm on her shoulder, he squeezed just firm enough that the pressure was uncomfortable for the girl. His glaring mug was placed right in front of her face and even a dumb girl like Papi could see his visible irration.

"Now then, Papi, I'm going to make one thing very clear. You will not, under any circumstance, strip naked and go swimming in public from here on out. I don't care what the circumstances are. Are we clear?"

His menacing aura had her sweating nervously. "Yes, mister."

"Okay, then," he then turned towards Miia, still keeping a hand on Papi to make sure she didn't leave his side. As long as she didn't, then she couldn't get into much trouble ... hopefully. "Now, Miia, what're you doing here? I was expecting you to still be asleep, let alone chasing me down on my way to work."

She didn't answer. Instead, she continued to level a distracted stare at his now exposed body. Her blush gave away that she was suddenly reminded of the previous night. Inwardly smirking to himself in amusement, he snapped his finger in front of her face.

"Did you hear my question? Or was it blocked out by a vivid flashback of last night?"

"O-oh," she stammered, quickly collecting herself from her stupor. "Well you forgot your lunch in the fridge so I figured I'd bring it for you."

"Lunch?"

"Yeah, this wrapped plate."

She pointed to where she had set it down before her fight with Papi. Turning his sight to it, he almost facepalmed upon seeing what she brought.

"Miia, I made that for you to eat while I was at work. "

"Eh? Oh, sorry, I didn't know. Though I'm glad I chased you down. Otherwise that bird bitch would have stolen you from me," she then sent a glare at the harpy who was sitting on the ground next to him.

"What was wrong with him bathing with me?!"

"Everything! He's not yo-"

"Enough! First things first we need Papi here to get dressed. Then you can bicker and catfight all you want."

"But we're not cats," Papi stated with a blank stare.

"It's good to see that your aware of that fact. Now get dressed."

The two continued to bicker with each other as Papi put her clothes back on in the same record time in which she took them off. Archer couldn't help but sigh exasperation at Miia's antics.

'The extend of her jealousy and possessiveness would be weird if she were human. According to both Smith-san and Miia herself, the competition for males is quite aggressive amongst lamia due to the absence of any male lamia. More than likely, she assumes that Papi is trying to forcefully steal me away just as her fellow lamia would if I ever went to their village.'

But as much as he understood that point ... did she think he would find a new woman in his 20 minute walk to work?

Her behavior reminded Archer of some of the harsher patriarchal civilizations in history where men didn't let their wives leave the house alone to ensure their faithfulness.

He supposed it was inevitable with her growing up around all women in a culture that encouraged kidnapping and gangbanging random men just to procreate. Miia's aggressive seduction methods were evidence of the kind of upbringing she had.

There was the desire to tell her that he wasn't just going to up and leave her side at the first sign of another naked female, and a child at that. However, he got the feeling she'd continue pickering with Papi regardless.

"Hmm?"

Archer noticed before anyone else did, a child climbing a tree without a parent in sight. Sure enough, after reaching the top, the child realised that the tree was far taller than they originally thought and froze in fear, clinging onto the branch they were stuck on for dear life. A minute later, people began circling the tree, realising that the child was in danger.

Archer couldn't relate to children, mostly because he had never been a child in the truest of sense. Young Emiya Shirou wouldn't have climbed that tree unless someone else had gotten stuck on it beforehand and needed help. But he couldn't help but wonder why the hell a normal child would attempt something as dangerous as that without any supervision. Most children at that age should still be relying on their parents for support, so it was strange that the girl decided to brave a relatively tall tree which wasn't easy to climb.

He was digressing. Whatever the reason, it wasn't his problem. He possessed the ability to save her, but his intervention was not required. The fire department would show up and correct the situation so there was no reason to worry.

But the two demi-human girl's didn't think so.

"This could be bad, Darling."

"Why doesn't she just take off?"

He heard something he couldn't ignore.

"Papi, does it look like humans have wings?" He gave the most disappointed look while asking this. Even if Papi were dumb, one would think that a harpy would realise the reason as to why they could fly and others couldn't. After all, flight was a core factor of their existence.

"Ahh! Good point! Mister is smart!"

'No you're just an idiot.' he suppressed the urge to say this to her face, and he really had to suppress it. Although he lacked the pride that most people carry, having his intelligence complimented by the most moronic person he'd ever met did not feel great.

"But if she can't fly, then I can just fly up there and bring her back down."

Papi suggested that, and wasted no time taking off. However, Archer let out a wry smirk as he watched Papi splat back onto the ground because her wings were wet, and the look of realization on her face afterwards did nothing to make it less funny.

"Was I in the bath for too long," she murmured in contemplation, studying her still soaked feathers with a comical amount of focus. With Papi no longer an option, Miia seized the opportunity.

"Don't worry Darling, I can take care of this! Try climbing is a lamia specialty."

"Is that so?"

For some reason he highly doubted it.

"Miia, don't. As far as I'm aware, you're not the fire department. Leave this for the professionals."

"But Darling, what if she falls?!"

"Then do you want me to stand under the tree in order to catch her if she does? Other than that there's not much else we should be doing," he then turned to the side to look for a certain drowned bird. "Where's Papi?"

"Ah, Darling, she's also trying to climb the tree!" Miia pointed to where the harpy was, and Archer couldn't help but pity the sight a little. Her ability to climb was severely hampered by her lack of hands, and thus she was failing miserably. This didn't seem to register with Miia however as she slithered ahead, acting like Papi was about to steal her thunder.

"I won't lose out!"

And she was off. Feeling his frustration accumulating, he slowly and methodically rubbed his temples with his fingers as he leisurely gave chase to her. She began climbing the tree by wrapping herself around and shimmying up it. Admittedly, she was better at tree climbing than he imagined she would be. Poor Papi, who only had wet wings for hands, couldn't keep up with Miia's climbing speed.

Still watching Miia, he couldn't help but think, 'Did you just forget that some humans are scared of you? What will happen when a scared irrational child sees a gigantic snake lady coming to their rescue?'

It would be like Sadako Yamamura popping out of the TV to give you a massage as you're relaxing on your couch. No matter how good the intent, the context surrounding one's actions is far more important.

Sure enough, upon sighting Miia, the child freaked out and let go of the branch they were clinging to, sending them plummeting to the ground. Archer reinforced his step in order to make it in time to catch the falling child. Out of nowhere, Papi jumped to save the girl, but her still wet wings prevented her from slowing the girl's descent. In the end, both children were caught by Archer, and rather ungracefully.

Papi was having the time of her life. Finally, she was experiencing human civilization and not just the boarding rooms the exchange program kept her in. They were boring, and thus the temptation of exploration was too overwhelming to keep her from escaping … for a third time.

Yes, it was her third time escaping her confines. After the second time, she vaguely remembered a warning given to her about going back home if she did it again, but meh, those people in fancy suits were too slow to let her out. The terminator especially. She kept saying things like properly teaching her about human civilization, the do's and don't's of the world, what dangers to watch out for yack yack yack. Whatever! She was going now!

After flying around all night, perching atop buildings in order to conceal herself from the demi-human squad - that had a fucking zombie in it - searching for her, Papi was feeling exhausted and need a break. The sun came up a while ago and her empty stomach had been growling desperately all night.

In some random park, she spotted one. A food cart. The small metal boxes that humans ate from. They were like bird feeders but bigger. She had to try one.

But they kept saying something about 'yen.' What the hell was that?! She wanted food right now!

But upon being informed that her host family would have money, she thought about where they could be. Were the stern looking people in suits her hosts? Probably.

Papi immediately spotted a stern looking man who was in a hurry. Reasoning that he was in a hurry to find her, she flew towards him at top speed and dragged him away to explain the situation. Only the man didn't know her and he was a pain in the ass. Well, the terminator was as well, so he fit the bill.

But when she wanted to bathe, he wouldn't join her. Ugh, why couldn't he have fun with her. Were humans allergic to fun? He kept resisting her attempts to drag him in even after she rid him of his shirt. Apparently the man thought people were supposed to bathe with clothes on, so was that why he didn't want to get in with her? Because she was naked?

Papi didn't realise she reached a semi-correct conclusion for all the wrong reasons.

And then,

"How … How dare you bird bitch! Bathing with Darling … that's so UNFAIR! I haven't done that yet with Darling! It's so unfair! Just go die!"

Some mean worm lady started picking on her and the mister. But what could a stupid worm do?

"You wanna fight me?" Papi asked excitedly. Her animalistic bird-like instincts flared, convinced that she was not facing an equal, but only prey. Though harpies were not birds, their instinctual desire to hunt was the same, and birds hunted worms everyday, so her victory was assured.

"Darling!" the worm lady turned to mister. "It looks like we're having chicken tonight! I'm gonna fry this skinny little bird bitch!"

WHAAAAAA …!

"Chicken?!" Papi screamed. "I dare you to say that again, you overgrown worm!"

"I'm a snake, bird-brain!"

Papi fought the mean worm lady until mister wrapped her in a towel and carried her out of the fountain. While still confused, mister put his hand on her shoulder and made her promise not to bathe in bird baths again. He looked scary, so she promised for the time being.

However, Papi couldn't help but feel a bit comforted by the towel he gave her, wrapped around her in a protective manner. She didn't know why she felt like that.

Later, after getting dressed, she had to help a girl who couldn't fly apparently. But Papi couldn't either because her wings were wet from the bath. Mister was right. Baths in public are a hindrance!

When the worm lady scared the girl from the tree, Papi tried to save her by flying into the air to catch her. She really tried, but her stupid wings wouldn't dry fast enough. She kept flapping them but her descent continued.

She was caught by someone. When first learning to fly as a kid, her Mom or aunties would catch her whenever she fell. However, none of them were ever this big or strong.

When she was set on the ground by the large arm which had caught her, she turned around to see mister handing the fallen girl off to her mother who had just arrived.

'Did he just save me?' she couldn't help but think. Papi stared at him the entire time the mother thanked him, almost like she was in a trance. She couldn't help but feel weird.

As mister turned around to face her, he sighed and put on a comforting smile. Reaching out with one of his large hands, he patted her on the head.

"Good job, Papi. You tried your best."

"Ah." she couldn't help but vocalize and a small blush formed on her face from happiness. She was weak to praise.

"Hehehe …" she cutely laughed to herself. It was a good day.

As the mother was bowing thankfully to Papi - and in Archer's opinion she was doing it a bit too fervently - he compassionately rubbed the back of a depressed and frustrated Miia. He also took the liberty of brushing off the twigs and leaves she had accumulated in her climb up the tree.

"Grh … and I tried so hard …"

"This is why I told you to wait."

"Mmmmh," she whined a bit from his overly logical comment. "Sorry for rushing off when you told me not to."

"Don't apologize. Just don't do it again in the future. I realise that I was just as reckless yesterday, but let's not make it a trend."

"Yeah, okay …"

In the corner of his eye, he spotted a cop arriving on a … bicycle. In his opinion, very little degraded the authority of a police officer more than a bike being their method of transportation. The officer was also a bit too late for his presence to solve anything. In fact, he was a hindrance since Papi was technically a missing persons case.

He grabbed the harpy by the shoulder and quickly dragged her over to the other side of the park just in case the office decided to question who her host family was. It would be a simple situation to work out, solved by an equally simple solution of waiting until Smith arrived, but he would rather not have to deal with the policeman in the first place.

At the end of the park was an empty bench. This particular location of the park merged with a relatively quiet neighborhood and thus had very little foot traffic. Predictably, both the bench and the general era were devoid of people, something he wished would have been true of the fountain era when Papi decided to strip.

"Let's rest here for now until Smith-san comes to pick this one up," Archer suggested and leaned back against the bench, spreading his arms along the top raid of the backrest. He quickly sent a text to Smith letting her know of their current location.

"Smith-san is on the way?" Miia asked while sitting down next to him. So far, her encounter with Papi and Archer had been hectic, resulting in ruined clothes, a head full of leaves and some damaged pride. And yet, she was sorely lacking in information about the who, how and why. No context of the situation had been provided for her.

"Yes. I called Smith-san earlier. It would seem Papi's an escapee."

"Wait, mister, that's the terminator right? Don't let them deflower me."

"Deflower?!" Miia couldn't help but yell.

"It's 'deport!'" he exclaimed louder than he intended. "And it means you'll be sent back home."

"Ehhhhh! So does that mean …"

"I found you…" a dangerous sounding voice came from their left. The voice was cracked and sounded rife with displeasure. "Do you know how long our teams have been searching for you? We thought you were on a different side of town."

Archer looked upon the coordinator's familiar figure, still in a suit and sunglasses, but unable to hide her apparent exhaustion. It would seem she had been awake looking for Papi for a large portion of the night. It would also seem both of them were sleep deprived. Though he imagined she would be displease at that comparison should he voice it, considering the vastly different, and enviable, reason for his own insomnolence in contrast to hers.

'She must of been close by when I sent the text.' he thought to himself with how swiftly she reached their position.

"Ahhh!" Papi exclaimed when she laid eyes on Smith. "The terminator!"

"That's right, Papi. You have some explaining to do. Fufufufufu."

Archer amusedly smirked at just how stiff the harpy was in an angry Smith's presence. It seems her past experience with the coordinator had created a bit of lingering trauma.

"I refuse."

Archer could not have said it more adamantly. It was imperative he make his position quite clear lest he get stuck taking on the task Smith had just attempted to give him. What was that task? Oh, nothing much. Just taking care of another person which shouldn't be his responsibility.

Instead of Smith taking Papi off of his hands, instead she invited both herself and the harpy into his house to 'explain the situation.' He didn't want the situation explained, but merely for it to be resolved. But Smith managed to convince Miia to convince him, which eventually ended with them back at his house.

However, it wasn't long after he served both his guests some tea that he found out one of them would not be a guest for long, but rather a permanent resident.

'Good news Darling-kun, we got Papi's certification.'

'How is that good news for me? Tell that to her instead.'

'Oh but it applies to you. See, on our walk back, Papi did not act like an uncontrollable varmint, and instead followed us, or rather you, back obediently.'

'I wouldn't say bickering with Miia the whole way was obedient but I see your point.'

'Oh good I'm glad you do. And now that she's certified … and needs a place to stay … and since no one was willing to put up with a frequent runaway … you see where I'm going with this?'

'I do, but I want to hear you say it.'

'Yes well I'm here to for- ahem, ask you nicely to take care of her.'

'I refuse.'

That's how it went down. His answer left him and Smith staring at each other in silence, the only sound in the room being Miia helping the thumbless Papi drink her tea without spilling it on herself. Apparently, harpies don't usually drink from cups because of this problem, so Miia's worries were not unfounded.

"Hoh? You refuse? You know that's not how this works right?"

"Actually it is per the contract you had me sign." Archer memorized the entire contract for this exact reason, just in case someone ever tried to take advantage of his would-be ignorance of the program, like Smith did just then.

"I realise that normally hosts, once approved, cannot turn away anyone the program brings to their door," he continued. "However, that's only under normal circumstances. I can deny any and all species exchange representatives sent to me by the program as long as I provide sufficient reasoning. I would say already having another rep is more than sufficient, not to mention my involvement with the program was and still is involuntary."

"Yes, yes," Smith agreed quickly, a bit annoyed that the contract she knew by heart at this point was recited back to her. "But that only applies under normal circumstances as well. I wouldn't qualify you as normal."

"Really? Explain how I'm not?" He asked with a challenging glare.

She took a quick sip of her tea, and as the cup left her mouth, it revealed a smug smile had formed on lips.

"You owe me a favor, right?"

"Urk!" Archer had to stop himself from coughing after the metaphysical damage he had just taken.

Fuck. She got him. He was stuck. He couldn't challenge her on this lest she make his life even more difficult than it already was. She had actual, exploitable dirt on him. More than likely, the program payed off the bigots he taught a lesson to (assaulted) in order to silence them. That fact could end up being ammo used against him.

'You see Miia. This is why we don't try to play hero and follow the rules.'

He didn't regret it. He didn't … okay maybe just a little. As much as he would love to justify the actions at the time saying they were needed for a development between Miia and himself, there were still other ways to go about it, even if they were a bit less effective.

Fuck. He knew he would regret this somehow. His eye of the mind was really on point with that prediction. Everything about that action screamed young and stupid Emiya Shirou, and that was exactly who he was trying not to be.

Ever the hypocrite, he thought in self-loathing.

Grinding his teeth, he managed to squeak out an answer. "Fine."

"Wonderful choice, Darling-kun!"

"How exactly was that a choice?!"

Smith grinned at his, as always, amusing reactions to her antics. His self seriousness made him a bit too enjoyable for her to tease. As previously said, normally it's Archer teasing and mocking others, but Smith's personality was too bombastic and insane for him to keep up with.

"You hear that, Papi?" Smith said, turning to the two demi-humans who hadn't been listening. "Welcome to your new home."

"What?!" Miia's reaction was immediate, however, for Papi it took a second for her to compute the coordinator's words. But eventually,

"Ah! Really? I'll be staying here with mister and worm lady?!"

"Worm lady?" Smith couldn't help but question for a moment but moved on. "Yes, you'll be staying here." She then got up, walked over to Papi and gestured to Archer with a pointed finger. "He's the master of the house, so make sure to do what he says."

"Okay!"

While this was happening, Archer directed a gaze at Miia, who looked half shocked and half in deep ponderment. The light in her eyes had dimmed a little … actually was she okay?

The harpy and coordinator didn't seem to notice.

"Alright, Papi, don't go flying off again," Smith told the girl in a scolding tone.

"Don't worry," Papi answered in her usual fluffy high pitched voice which lended zero credibility to her words. "I may not be able to understand the complicated stuff, but that's something I can remember."

The petite girl then hoped out of her chair, ran over and grabbed his arm with her wings. "This means that mister will be my hubby (goshujin), right?"

...

Not this again.

Was this just a child being overly familiar? No no no. Hubby was far too specific of a term. He had somehow caused the young girl to develop a crush on him? How and when and where?! Unlike Miia, he hadn't exactly been nice to the girl. If anything, he was pretty hostile because of how annoying she had been. Smith did point out that she had become more obedient on the walk home, but he figured she had begun to see him as an authority figure of sorts.

What should he do? It would be troublesome to have a child living with him while also constantly fawning over him as well, and considering Miia's behavior earlier, he thought she would only grow more volatile if Papi was constantly around.

"Let's take a bath, Hubby. Now that we're not in public, it's okay right?"

"Ehh?"

Archer was currently wishing he could eat his own words right now. Well, it's not like he had ever expected she'd move in, so his words were completely appropriate to the situation at the time. That fact did nothing to comfort him, unfortunately.

He looked at Miia for her to say something, but found that she had a look of … contentment? Indifference? How did this happen?

"Sure, go ahead and have fun with Papi, Darling."

Those words felt like a trap to Archer. Almost like she was daring him to do something. However, it felt off, like instead of Miia saying this out of spite, she was saying it while restraining herself.

Should he? He wasn't exactly comfortable going into the bath with a kid. Scratch that, he felt like a damn pedophile for them even suggesting it!

"You know, I really don't feel comfortable doing that, Miia. I mean, a grown man bathing with a young girl is creepy. Besides, what happened to all of that anger and jealousy from earlier?"

"J-jealousy …" she stammered, realising she hadn't hid her feelings very well from her Darling. Though if someone were listening to these inner thoughts, they'd point out that she hadn't attempted to hide her feelings at all. "Well, I mean, I guess I overreacted. Sure, it's a bit annoying to have someone barge into our home like this. But Papi is just a child so it's not like she can steal you away from me."

'She wouldn't have stolen me away, regardless,' he thought to himself. He also couldn't help but notice that she said 'our home.' Hearing that satisfied him a bit knowing that she felt comfortable enough at his house to call it her home.

"Worm lady, Hubby, why do you keep calling me a child? I'm all grown up."

'That's sounds like something a kid would say,' both Archer and Miia thought at the same time. She and him shot each other an amused knowing look as they realised they shared the same belief about her answer.

"But she's telling the truth," Smith said, causing both of them to tense and stiffly turn towards her.

"What?" Archer asked first.

"She's the same age as Miia. She has a petite body but that's for the sake of flying. She's older than she looks."

Wait, but if she's an adult, then her suddentary crush on him came a lot less innocent. How did he make another grown (?) woman interested in him to this extent without doing anything?! And asking him to bathe with her in such a way, he knew one person who wouldn't care for such a suggestion.

Not half a second later, a tail wrapped around his waist and violently yanked him away from Papi. "You won't be stealing me Darling! I'll bathe with you instead!"

"But …!" Papi then paused before arguing. "Actually, that's fine." She realised that she was okay with that. Since the worm lady was her new friend, bathing with her would be just as fun!

Archer, his neck soar from the whiplash Miia just gave him, watched her and Papi move down the hall, making their way to the washroom. When the door closed and they were out of sight, he let out a sigh filled with tension. There were still many logistics to figure out about Papi staying with them. The same concerns as he had with Miia, he also had to make with Papi as well.

"My budget better have increased with this, Smith-san."

"Don't worry. You'll have more than enough spending funds to take care of your little budding harem."

"It's not a harem!"

It was like Taiga all over again. His dark past with his pseudo-elder sister came to mind. He might not remember her face or voice, but he remembered how much of a pain in the ass she was, and Smith was even worse.

"It's not my fault this keeps happening."

Inside the washroom,

"Darling is mine, so keep your hands off of him."

"But Papi doesn't have hands."

End