Chapter 9

~*~ 8 years ago ~*~

Harry didn't sleep on it for the sole reason that he didn't sleep. He lay awake with a million thoughts crashing around in his head and not a single one making sense. He had no idea what Severus had meant and no clue how the man felt about his potentially ill-advised kiss.

Severus hadn't hexed him or outright rejected him, but neither had he grabbed him and shagged him over the study table. Perhaps that kind of thing actually didn't happen in real life and was contained only to fantasies. Still, it didn't make the situation any clearer and he had no idea how he was supposed to face the man again.

He knew that his bloody stupid hormones would get the better of him, that his simmering attraction to the man would eventually boil over and overwhelm him. He'd hoped it would go away if he buried it for long enough but this little stay in the cottage was always going to damn him.

Eventually, as the day drew into a more reasonable hour, he began to hear Severus moving around and knew he couldn't hide away all day. He waited until he was sure the man was downstairs then slipped out to use the shower. He refreshed himself, got dressed, brushed his teeth and attempted to make his hair look respectable.

He looked critically at his reflection and wished he didn't look so damn young. What on earth could Severus possibly find in him that could ever appeal to him? He sighed and decided to bite the bullet and see what the hell the day had in store for him.

Severus was in the kitchen making coffee and Harry hovered in the doorway building up the courage to say something. He took a deep breath and tried to subdue the butterflies in his stomach as he said, "Can I get a cup?"

Severus looked over his shoulder and said, "Of course," looking far too calm for Harry's liking.

He sat down at the table and stopped himself from tapping his fingers agitatedly. His heart was pounding and he was almost certain he was going to pass out.

"Thanks," he said as Severus handed him his coffee and took a seat opposite. He waited for the man to say something but it seemed nothing was forthcoming and that he would have to be the one to broach the subject.

"Look, if you want me to apologise for last night then I will," he said, wondering if nine in the morning was an appropriate time to drink an entire bottle of spirits.

"Do you want to apologise?" Severus asked levelly.

"I…will if you think I should," Harry replied, not sure he had the capacity of this conversational minefield.

"I told you to sleep on it," Severus said. "How do you feel about it now you have?"

"How do I feel? I feel like a twat, that's how I feel. I've shown my hand well and truly and now all I'm waiting for is for you to tell me to go to hell and the rest of our time here can be unbearably awkward."

"You think I'm going to tell you to go to hell?" Severus asked, still so unbelievably calm that it was starting to make Harry twitchy.

"I don't bloody know," Harry said with a huff, getting up and going over to the sink. He braced his hands on the edge and looked out of the window as he said, "Alright, look…I'm…attracted to you…as you can probably tell from last night's behaviour. I don't know what that means or what I want but…I'm sick of fighting it."

He hadn't heard Severus get up and jumped when he felt the man's hand on his shoulder. He turned around and met Severus' eyes, utterly unable to decipher what he saw there. Severus' hand snaked up to the back of his neck and Harry was certain his heart skipped a beat as the man tilted his head and leant forward.

Their lips met and, this time, it was more than just a suggestion of a kiss. Severus' hand was hot and firm against his neck and the man's tongue invaded his mouth insistently. He kissed back, all thoughts of rejection going out of the window, his hands travelling up to press against Severus' chest.

He tried to tune his thoughts out, to let his body take over, but his mind was going a mile a minute. What were they doing? Were they allowed to do this? Why on earth did Severus want to do this with him?

"I sense a little hesitancy," Severus murmured as he pulled back, his hand still a comforting press against his neck.

"No," Harry said quietly. "My brain just won't shut up."

"If you don't want this – "

"I do," Harry assured him, "it's just that I don't even know what this is. It's…complicated."

"It certainly is," Severus agreed, "but it doesn't have to be."

He stepped back and gave Harry a little space, which was both a relief and a disappointment. "You're an adult," Severus said, "as am I. We both feel….a certain way about one another, I see no reason why we can't explore that."

"Sounds simple when you say it," Harry said with a sigh. "Look, cards on the table, I'm a virgin. I've never done anything with any gender and if you don't fancy being The Boy Who Lived's experiment then that's fair enough. You're already teaching me plenty of things, I can understand if you don't want to be my sodding sex guru."

"Oh indeed?" Severus said, a tone of amusement in his voice. "Don't presume to know what I want, but it's what you want that matters. If you don't want to muddy the waters between us then fine but don't think to save me from some dire fate."

Harry bit his lip as he considered Severus' words and the man's eyes went to the gesture, his eyes dark.

"I'll still be your instructor in all things Defence, and if you want to pretend this never happened then I'll abide by that."

"You're being so…reasonable."

Severus frowned and said, "You expected me to pressure you into something you didn't want?"

"No," Harry said, feeling like a dick. "No of course not, I just…thought…given our history, you might be…harsher with me."

"It seems we both have a lot to learn about one another. One night clearly wasn't long enough to help you make a decision. Take some time to think about it, then let me know your choice."

He stepped away and grabbed his coffee then left the room, leaving Harry unsure of what had happened. He was grateful that Severus hadn't pushed him one way or another but in some ways he wished the man had taken charge, that he'd told him what to do.

Was it always this complicated or was it just his life that had all these bizarre twists and turns? He wanted Severus, that much was certain, but was it wise to pursue it? He had no practical experience when it came to sex, something he was embarrassed to admit, but he felt he might be safe exploring it with Severus.

He went back and forth over it all day until something inside his head snapped and told him to stop overthinking something for once in his stupid life. He cut his walk short and made his way back into the cottage with a sense of purpose. He took a deep breath then walked into the living room, stopping in front of the armchair Severus was sitting in.

"I want to," he said firmly if not eloquently.

"Want to what?" Severus asked with a raised eyebrow, closing his book.

"Explore this thing with you…whatever it is."

"You're sure?"

"I'm sure."

There was a moment's pause then Severus stood up and said softly, "Would you like to go upstairs?"

Nervous but excited, Harry said, "Yes," with a nod, and followed Severus as he left the room and went up the stairs. His stomach was fluttering and he didn't know what to expect but he knew that he wanted it.

They walked to Severus' room and the man paused in the doorway, saying, "There are no expectations on you. You don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with."

Harry smiled and said, "I know," before Severus led him into the room. "You're um…you're going to have to lead, I wasn't kidding when I said I had no experience.

"We'll be remedying that, never fear."

The distance between them suddenly didn't exist anymore and he felt Severus' hand curl around his neck before the man's lips were on his. It was a kiss like he'd never experienced before and he felt every nerve in his body light up like a Christmas tree.

One of Severus' hands made its way beneath his t-shirt and a thrill of anticipation shot up his spine as long fingers teased over his skin. Severus' lips moved to his neck and he gasped at the unfamiliar yet entirely welcome sensation.

"Can this come off?" Severus asked gently, tugging on the collar of Harry's shirt.

Harry pulled back and yanked the thing off over his head, feeling a slight jolt of self-consciousness that was quickly banished by expectation. He was led to the bed, Severus' lips on his once again before they began to lay a featherlight trail of kisses along Harry's throat then down over his collarbone and chest.

Harry closed his eyes and focused on the man's attentions, surprised at just how gentle he was being. He knew how powerful Severus was, knew how much strength his slim body hid, and yet the man was treating him like something precious. He had imagined this moment so many times, fantasised about it to the point of distraction, and he couldn't actually believe it was now happening.

Severus moved lower and Harry's nerves jangled as he realised the man's hands were now on his jeans. Black eyes met his and Harry nodded his consent as a blush spread across his cheeks. The zip on his jeans was undone and Harry tilted his hips up to let Severus pull them down his leg. His underwear followed and Severus' eyes raked over his body, Harry feeling immediately exposed.

Harry bit his lip as he watched Severus take in the sight of him, those dark eyes roving over every inch of him. He had no idea if he was standing up to scrutiny or not and he took a couple of deep breaths to steady himself. Severus' eyes met his again and the man's lip quirked as he said, "You have no reason to blush, you're exquisite."

A voice in the back of Harry's mind told him the man had only say it to mollify him but the look in Severus' eyes was unmistakable. He smiled, still a little embarrassed, and Severus said, "Lie back against the pillows and remember – we can stop any time."

"I don't want to stop," Harry said with a grin, feeling his blood pulse in one very specific direction.

"In that case remember that you can tell me what you like, what you don't like."

Harry nodded, anticipation now winning over nerves. Severus smiled at him before Harry felt the man's hand wrap around his erection. He closed his eyes and swallowed hard as Severus began to stroke him deftly, his palm warm and dry. No one had ever touched him before and, although he'd seen the pictures in Ron's dirty magazines, nothing could have prepared him for how wonderful it felt.

The action was fantastic and Harry couldn't stop himself from pushing himself into the obliging hand. He told himself to try and calm down, to save himself the embarrassment of coming too soon but that resolution was sorely tested when he felt a warm, wet mouth descend on his prick.

The sensation was overwhelming and Harry grabbed hold of the bedding beneath him as pleasure rolled through him. Severus brought his tongue into play, swirling it around the head of Harry's cock each time his mouth moved upwards then used the flat of his tongue as he moved downwards.

The pressure was delicious, with a teasing amount of sucking and licking to play around with his senses. Harry's embarrassment was trying to win over, to make him feel discomfited with what was happening, but the sheer pleasure he was deriving from it was all-encompassing. Severus' hand was a warm, firm vice at the base of his cock and Harry could do nothing but give himself over to it.

The pleasure built and it was starting to become too much for him. The tension coiled low in his stomach and his groin felt as though it had been set on fire. He tried to say something, to warn Severus, but all he could do was emit a low groan as he came hard. He had expected Severus to pull away but he kept his mouth around Harry for the whole thing, continuing to suck and swallow until he was completely spent.

He lay back against the bed, slowly loosening his grip on the sheets as he tried to get his senses under control. He had never felt anything like it, he had never had such a powerful orgasm, and he realised that he moments spent in the dark with only his right hand paled in comparison. He felt long fingers brush the hair from his forehead and he opened his eyes to see Severus leaning on one elbow, looking down at him with a gentle smile.

"If you had any doubt you were in bed with a virgin how quickly I just came should prove it."

Severus laughed softly and said, "I'm taking it as a compliment."

"You should," Harry assured him. "That was fucking amazing." He looked down to see that Severus was still in his trousers, and that there was a very obvious bulge that needed attention. "I want to…I want to do the same thing to you," he said, cursing himself for sounding so insipid.

"You don't have to," Severus told him, and Harry reached up to brush his fingers against Severus' cheek.

"I want to," he said firmly. "I want to touch you."

Severus leant down and placed a gentle kiss to his lips, and Harry could taste himself in the kiss, wondering if he would be able to do the same and swallow as Severus had done. Severus pulled back then stood up, dispensing himself of his trousers and underwear and chucking them in the corner of the room. Harry took the opportunity to take in the sight of the man, and he felt a thrill of arousal rush through him as he drank in his fill.

The man was wiry and thin, a little too thin around the hips, but his arms and shoulders showed sinewy muscles beneath pale and surprisingly smooth skin. Dark hair began just below his navel and lay a trail that Harry followed all the way down to his groin, his eyes falling on the proud and prominent erection. He had never touched another besides his own, but suddenly he couldn't think of anything he wanted to do more.

He reached out and pulled Severus back down to the bed and met him with a kiss, allowing one hand to rove over the body beneath him, revelling in being able to touch where he had wanted to for so long. His tongue met Severus' as the man deepened the kiss forcefully and he allowed his hand to travel lower until it wrapped around the firm erection.

He began to move up and down in certain strokes, feeling his nerves subside somewhat. He knew what he liked when he did it to himself, he knew what to do to elicit his own pleasure and he was sure that Severus' own preferences couldn't be so very different. He broke away from the kiss to murmur a charm that Ron had told him about years ago and his palm became coated in a viscous lubricant.

Severus groaned in approval and Harry felt encouraged as he began to apply a little firmer pressure, moving his hand up and down, rolling his palm over the head as he himself enjoyed the action. He wanted to do more though, he wanted to please Severus in the way that the man had pleased him, and he broke the kiss to move his lips to the man's throat, snaking downwards over the smooth chest.

He was becoming more certain in his actions, and he felt that his trusty instinct was finally coming into play. This was not something that needed overthinking, he didn't need to pick it apart and analyse it, he just needed to go along with the rhythms that had been set and with what felt good both to give and receive. He moved lower until he reached his destination and, without giving it too much thought, wrapped his mouth around the waiting cock.

He decided to use his tongue first of all before he tried anything too adventurous, and he made a few licks and swipes, gratified by the hitch of breath he could hear from above his head. He held the base of Severus' cock firmly with his hand, both for Severus' pleasure and to steady things for himself in order to move his tongue up and down the column, alternating between the front and back of his tongue to try and give the man different sensations.

It seemed to be doing the job, and when he closed his mouth fully around the bobbing erection, he felt a hand come to twine in his hair, bolstering his confidence greatly. He knew enough to cover his teeth, and he did so as he began to suck a little as he moved up and down. He tried to mimic the actions that Severus had used on him and found that it came quite naturally, and that, as his ministrations went on, he was actually starting to enjoy it.

His jaw ached a little and he had to remind himself to continue to breathe through his nose, but he was enjoying what he was doing. He remembered something he had read in one of the magazines Ron had loaned him years ago and he lowered his mouth until the head of Severus' cock nudged the back of his throat. It was an odd sensation, but he realised that he could control his reflexes quite well, and so he repeated the action several times until he heard Severus say in a breathy moan,

"Christ, Harry."

It was as unguarded and uncontrolled as Harry had ever heard the man be, and he felt a thrill go through him at the thought that he had been able to reduce Severus to such a state. He continued to take Severus to the back of his throat and added in a couple of hums for good measure, feeling the hand in hair tighten as Severus' body began to tense.

"Harry, you need to move, I'm close," Severus said, but Harry had no intention of moving. He wanted to do exactly what Severus had done and so quickened his pace a little, letting his hand move in more insistent strokes, listening as Severus' breathing became more erratic. Before he knew it, the hand in his hair was gripping hard and Harry found his mouth full of Severus' release. It was an entirely alien sensation but he did his best to maintain his composure and swallow everything, despite the odd taste.

He allowed himself a moment before he moved back up the bed and came to lie next to Severus, who tilted his head on the pillow to look across at him. "That was your first time doing that?" he asked, and Harry nodded shyly. "Fucking hell," he breathed, and Harry's face split into a grin. He moved to tuck himself into Severus' side and he rested his head on the man's shoulder as an arm came to rest around his shoulders. "You'll be the death of me," Severus said, his voice tired.

"I bloody well hope not," Harry said as he allowed his hand to trace patterns across Severus' chest. "If we don't do that a lot more, I'll be seriously pissed off."

Severus laughed and pulled Harry a little closer, placing a kiss to the top of his head, saying, "I always knew you'd be trouble."

Harry padded down the stairs softly, fairly certain that Severus was already awake. He hadn't had much sleep but he wasn't really complaining, he'd sat awake for most of the night thinking about what had transpired between himself and Severus. He was trying to wipe the smile from his face; it wouldn't do to go into breakfast looking like a love-sick teenager…even if he was one.

"Morning," he said as moved into the kitchen.

Severus looked up from reading the paper, sitting at the table with a cup of coffee at his elbow. "Good morning," he replied, a small smile playing about his lips. "Coffee?" he offered, indicating the half-full cafetiere on the table.

"Thanks," Harry said, sliding into a chair and pouring himself a cup. He snuck a glance at Severus, who had gone back to reading the paper, and remembered exactly what had passed between them. He wasn't entirely sure he hadn't dreamt up the whole thing.

"If you're going to stare it's usually better to be a little more covert about it."

"I wasn't staring," Harry said, feeling his cheeks heat.

Severus looked at him over the rim of his paper and Harry couldn't stop himself from grinning. "Do you blame me?" he asked. "You um…you're not regretting it, are you?"

Severus' calmness was a tad worrying and Harry couldn't help but think that maybe the man was having second thoughts.

"What do you think?" Severus asked, folding his paper and dropping it on the table.

"I…don't know, that's why I'm asking."

"Do you regret it?" Severus asked, deflecting the question back at him.

Harry sighed, frustrated with the back and forth, and said, "No, Severus, I don't regret a second of it and I'm really hoping it won't be a one-time thing."

Severus' expression softened slightly and he said, "I don't regret what happened either."

Harry gave him a relieved smile and said, "Well…that's good then." He took a sip of his coffee, his nose wrinkling when he realised it had gone tepid. There was silence for a moment before he said, "This is a little awkward, huh?"

Severus snorted and said, "Welcome to sex."

"Right," Harry said, rubbing the back of his neck. "So um…training today?"

Severus nodded and said, "Outside in 15 minutes."

If Harry thought that Severus would go easy on him given the change in their relationship he was swiftly disabused of that notion. Training hadn't changed; if anything it was more intense, more difficult, and Harry had to keep on his toes to stop Severus knocking him on his arse.

They were still focusing on wandless magic, which Harry had a natural affinity for, but which was still bloody tough. Severus' methods were relentless but he'd changed in the years since he'd last taught Harry and was now much fairer and more focused on actually helping Harry accomplish his goals.

He was a tough taskmaster, and always would be, but he was a good teacher when he wasn't trying to terrorise. Of course, Harry was trying his utmost to impress the man, to prove that he was up to the task and no longer the child that Severus remembered him being.

"Do you think I should be focusing more on theory?" Harry asked as they sat on the beach that evening, sharing a particularly fine bottle of wine.

"It helps," Severus said, his profile softly lit from the flames of the fire they were sitting beside. "I wouldn't concern yourself too much with it though; we've established you do better when you're allowed to perform instinctively."

"Fly by the seat of my pants, you mean," Harry said with a self-derisive snort.

"It's not necessarily a bad thing," Severus said with a gentle smile. "Everyone's magical style is different; you're just finding out yours."

"I guess. I suppose I really am just a kid after all," Harry said, tossing a pebble into the sea.

"You're 19," Severus said gently. "You aren't a child anymore but you still have some things to…figure out."

Harry scoffed and said, "Right. I'm sure you had everything figured out when you were my age."

There was no answer so Harry looked across at the man. Severus took a long sip of his wine then looked out to sea as he said, "When I was your age I had just joined the most dangerous group to befall the wizarding world in decades. I lived by perverted and twisted ideals and I was confused and angry at just about everything. Don't compare yourself to me, I was a moron."

"I can't…I can't imagine you with that lot," Harry said, topping up their glasses. "They're such scumbags and you're…so honourable."

Severus emitted a mirthless laugh and said, "I'm not so sure about that."

"Come on, you're not in the same league as Malfoy and the rest of those bastards. I just…I can't picture you with them."

"Oh I didn't belong," Severus said, his voice tinged with bitterness. "I was poor…a half-blood, wearing clothes that my mother had fished out of charity shops, but…I was useful."

"Potions?" Harry ventured, and Severus nodded.

"I could provide things they wanted, things they needed. It was…how Lucius presented me to Voldemort the first time I met him. It felt good…to be needed, to be…courted."

"I can understand that," Harry said, watching his wine as he swirled it around the glass. "He can be very…seductive when he wants to be."

Severus looked across at him, his eyebrows raised in surprise, and Harry sighed, saying, "On the rare occasions he wasn't trying to kill me he tried to recruit me instead. I'd be lying if I said I was never tempted."

"You're stronger than I ever was then," Severus said quietly.

"I don't think that's true," Harry replied, taking a sip of his wine. "I had reasons not to join him, people I would have died to protect. I had ties to the world that made me see through his charm and promises. If he'd got to me before I had all that, when I was a scared and abused child with no one…I'd have ended up on the same path as you."

"All those years thinking we couldn't be more different. We have more in common than I would have guessed."

"Yeah…Would have been nice if it was a similar taste in music rather than abusive childhoods and having our lives governed by a psychotic megalomanic but beggars can't be choosers."

Severus laughed, the sound rich and deep, and Harry smiled, saying, "I like hearing you laugh, it's nice."

"I was always rather self-conscious about it," Severus replied, trying to hide his discomfort behind his glass of wine.

"You must be self-conscious about your smile too; you show it so rarely."

Severus gave him an unimpressed look and Harry grinned. "You going to argue with me? Tell me I just misunderstood all those steely glares and missed the moments you went skipping around Hogwarts grinning from ear to ear, full of the joys of – "

Severus grabbed the front of his shirt and yanked him forward into a kiss. Harry met the man's lips with a little 'mmph' of surprise before he allowed himself to melt into it, his hand snaking up to wrap around the back of Severus' neck as the kiss went deeper.

Harry couldn't help but feel giddy; he'd never imagined he would ever get to do this with Severus, let alone on a secluded beach in front of a romantic fire. While he had nothing to compare it to, he felt he could say with certainty that no one would ever kiss him so spectacularly.

"What was that for?" Harry asked when they finally pulled apart.

"It was the only way I could think of to get you to shut up," Severus said, letting go of Harry's shirt and letting his hand travel up to cup Harry's chin. "This next one is purely for me."

AN: My apologies for not doing any review responses for the last chapter. I've started a new job and I barely have any time for a cup of coffee at the moment, let alone anything else! I appreciate all your thoughts and comments so much though and I promise I'll try to respond this time around.

To the anon who has message me - I really appreciate your words and don't worry, we're good! I was disheartened but I appreciate that this is a dark and difficult fic. It won't be for everyone.