Chapter 11

~*~ 8 years ago ~*~

"You're not concentrating."

"Of course I am."

"I wouldn't call that concentrating."

"I don't know, I'm pretty focused on the…task at hand."

"If you're going to make terrible puns then I shall go back inside and leave you out here."

"I'm not sure I believe that," Harry said with a smile, leaning back against Severus' chest and continuing to let his hand rove over the man's crotch.

Severus had been helping him with a grounding exercise, one that was supposed to help him focus his magical energy and channel it more efficiently without a wand. It was beneficial but Severus had just had to go and stand directly behind him, his body too damn close for Harry to think about anything else.

"Can't you get your mind out of the gutter?"

"I'm 19," Harry returned. "My mind lives in the gutter. You should come join me down there, it's a lot of fun."

"And today's training session?"

"I work best when I have some kind of positive reinforcement."

"You're an incorrigible brat."

"Is that sweet talk or dirty talk?"

Severus laughed and placed his hands on Harry's waist, turning him around so they were face to face. Harry's stomach fluttered, still nervous in these moments, as much as he enjoyed them. "Am I being told off?" he asked teasingly.

"When has that ever done any good?" Severus asked sardonically.

"Maybe I'm more responsive to a little…discipline these days," Harry replied, feeling himself blush a little at the racy insinuation.

"What a prospect," Severus said, his voice low.

Harry ran his hands up Severus' chest and was about to lean in for a kiss when he heard a voice calling their names. He jumped back, putting his hands by his side just as Ron came around the cottage. He tried not to look guilty and resented the fact that Severus looked as though they'd been doing no more than discussing the weather.

"There you are," Ron said, joining them. "Am I interrupting training?"

"Would you care if you were?" Severus asked.

"Not really," Ron replied with a lopsided grin. "I've just come to pick up the latest lot of potions."

"Got time to stay for lunch?" Harry asked, noting the dark circles under his friend's eyes.

"That would be brilliant," Ron said with a tired smile, clapping Harry on the shoulder. "Can't remember the last time I ate."

They went back inside the cottage and Harry heated up the soup he'd made the previous night. Ron sat at the table rubbing his temples and accepting the tea that Severus made with a grateful smile.

"Any news on Remus and Dean?" Harry asked, taking a seat with them as he dished up the soup.

Ron sighed and helped himself to a huge hunk of bread, saying, "Dean's ok. I mean…he's out of the woods but the nerve damage is bad. I'm trying to help him with rehab but…I'm not around that much."

"And Remus?" Harry asked, half-afraid of the answer.

Ron dipped his bread in his soup, clearly stalling, and said without looking up, "He's still in a coma. No change yet."

"And no one knows – "

"No," Ron said with a shake of his head, making lines in his soup with his spoon. "No one can say for certain if he'll make it or not."

"Fuck," Harry breathed, his appetite disappearing.

"The attacks are increasing, it's only going to get worse from here on out. Every day we get reports that – "

"Ron," Severus admonished gently, his eyes going to Harry.

"No, let him," Harry said. "We don't hear anything shoved away up here, it's ridiculous."

"Well…" Ron said, looking uncertain.

"Tell me," Harry insisted. "I want to know what's going on."

"There's no big conspiracy, nothing people are keeping from you, just…day-to-day stuff that we're all going through. We all have our assignments, our missions. We're gathering information, honing our tactics, trying to provide defence for the muggles. It's…hard."

Harry swallowed and said, "Things are…they're bad?"

Ron paused and then nodded. "Grimmauld's a nightmare, always people coming and going, people coming back injured, chaos constantly. There are drips and drabs of intelligence that we have to interpret but it all feels bloody useless and…we're all too shattered most of the time to make much sense of anything."

"Do people resent us?" Harry asked before he could stop himself and he could feel Severus' eyes narrowed on him.

"Resent you?" Ron echoed with a frown. "Why would – "

"Hidden away up here," Harry said, his face suddenly feeling hot. "Not being part of it, not…helping."

"Harry, don't be ridiculous. You're both up here for your safety, no one thinks – "

"Maybe they don't say it, but – "

"Harry," Ron said firmly, reaching out and taking his hand in a remarkably demonstrative gesture, "no one blames you, no one thinks you're getting off easy being up here. You think anyone in their right mind would want to swap places with you?"

"I just feel so…useless," Harry whispered bitterly.

"You're right where you need to be, Harry," Ron insisted. "Don't let this mentality get the better of you."

Harry nodded, not really convinced, and Ron gave his hand a squeeze then let go. "This soup is really good," Ron said, and Harry forced a smile. "Nice to see you haven't lost your touch. Been keeping him working, Sev?"

Harry bristled at his friend's casual use of a nickname he'd never heard anyone else use but he tried not to let it show on his face. He stabbed at his soup and did his best not to look like a moody bastard while Ron and Severus fell to easy conversation.

It rankled that the two got on so well, as much as Harry would have liked to pretend otherwise. As…close as he and Severus were becoming, conversation still didn't come naturally and, at times, it could feel like a struggle to find ways to communicate. He envied the effortless way Ron spoke with him, how he teased and laughed in ways Harry wished he could.

Ron stayed for half an hour and Harry did his best to join in with the conversation, despite the fact that he felt something sour in the pit of his stomach. His mind was turning over all sorts of unpleasant things and he was relieved when Severus announced they were to get back to training, desperately needing something to channel his energies into.

He threw himself into it, working harder than he'd ever worked before. His mind was churning things around and around, thinking of Ron, Hermione and all the others risking their lives, day after day, on dangerous missions. He knew Ron had said that no one resented him but he wasn't entirely sure he believed him.

He trained like a man possessed, sweat dripping down his back, his head spinning from the exertion. He fought hard, harder than he'd ever fought before, and he was able to knock Severus off his feet several times. He felt sick by the time the evening began to close in on them and would have pushed himself further if Severus hadn't stopped him.

"Enough!"

"No," Harry wheezed with an aggressive shake of his head. "I need to practise that last one some more. I didn't quite get – "

"Harry, enough," Severus said firmly, grabbing his shoulders. "You look ready to drop and I won't let you continue like this."

"But – "

"No. No more, that's an order. You have nothing to prove."

Harry said nothing, his legs suddenly feeling like they wouldn't support him. His mouth was dry and his head was pounding, an immense tiredness suddenly sweeping over him.

"Enough for today. You've done well, now rest."

Too exhausted to argue, Harry shrugged off the man's hands and traipsed back to the cottage. He trudged up the stairs to the bathroom and peeled his clothes off, filling the bath and glancing at his reflection while he waited. He looked ashen, his hair sticking to his forehead, his face practically devoid of colour.

He sighed heavily as he sank into the tub, closing his eyes as the water enveloped him. A deep ache was beginning to set in and he realised he had overdone it. He had to push himself, though, he had to become Voldemort's equal, had to save his friends from the torment they were facing every day.

The responsibility of it was bearing down on him, threatening to suffocate him. He wanted to bar it all from his mind, to block it out, if only for a moment, to gain just a little peace. He let the water slosh over him and briefly considered what drowning might be like.

He stayed in until the water was tepid then reluctantly heaved himself out. He towelled himself dry then padded across the corridor to his room, fishing out fresh clothes and dressing himself. He considered collapsing into bed, letting unconsciousness take him, but he had a need to be with Severus, to see if the man's company would help.

"What would you like for dinner?" Severus asked as Harry hovered in the living room doorway.

"Not hungry," Harry said with a shrug.

"You need to eat something. You've expended a great deal of energy, you need to replenish it."

"Honestly, can't face it. Maybe later."

Severus placed his book to one side and stood up, moving to stand next to Harry in the doorway. "I don't want to see another display like today," he said softly.

"What are you talking about? We were training," Harry said, toeing at a piece of loose wood on the bottom stair.

"No, Harry, you were working yourself into a frenzy trying to prove a point."

"God, you've changed your tune," Harry huffed. "A couple of years ago and you'd have pushed me well beyond what I did today. You'd have had me sweating blood and told me it still wasn't good enough."

"And where did that get us?" Severus countered. "Precisely nowhere. Besides…is that the kind of…relationship you want between us now?"

Harry didn't know what to say to that. He didn't want Severus treating him the way he used to, that was for certain, but he felt that he needed a fraction of that old taskmaster to really help him unlock what he was capable of.

"I don't know," he said eventually. "I just know that I need to be…better."

"You're working as hard as you can," Severus said, stepping closer and cupping Harry's chin, a tingle going up Harry's spine at the action. "You have power and strength but you'll burn both to ashes if you push yourself to breaking point."

"You don't understand how it feels," Harry whispered, praying he wouldn't cry, feeling the tears prick his eyes, nevertheless.

"Oh yes I bloody well do," Severus replied, his voice firm. "I know exactly how it feels to have lives depending on you, to feel the weight of that threatening to overwhelm you. I won't let you wallow in that feeling."

"I'm not wallowing," Harry protested.

"You're allowing it to control you, and I promise it won't help."

"God," Harry breathed, shrugging away from Severus. "I don't know what to do. I just want to stop my brain for five bloody seconds, I want to…be someone else for a day, to just be bloody normal."

"Ssh," Severus soothed as Harry became more agitated, grabbing his wrist and pulling him closer.

Harry didn't want to talk anymore, didn't want words of comfort that would only be temporary in their relief. He wanted something to block it all out, to make him forget the world around him.

He pulled Severus forward, pressing their lips together, and the man offered no resistance. His arms were around Harry in an instant and Harry allowed himself to be held as the kiss deepened. "Take me upstairs," he whispered, as Severus' lips moved to his throat.

Severus apparated them both to his bedroom and hands were pulling at clothing immediately after. Harry yanked his t-shirt over his head then fumbled to undo the buttons of Severus' shirt, finally sliding it off his shoulders and allowing his fingertips to dance over the exposed, pale skin. He wanted everything from the man this time and he knew Severus would give it to him if he asked.

"I want you to fuck me," he murmured as Severus' hands went to the button on his jeans.

"Are you sure?" Severus asked softly.

"Yes," Harry whispered.

He was pushed gently backwards and allowed himself to be pushed onto the bed. His jeans and pants were pulled down his legs as Severus' body pressed against his own in a glorious touch of skin. The man snaked down his body and Harry closed his eyes with a sigh as he felt a familiar wet heat engulf him. He let his body relax as Severus robbed him of his ability to think properly, knowing exactly what he liked and more than willing to give it to him.

He raised his hips, pushing himself further into Severus' obliging mouth, moaning softly as the head of his cock hit the back of Severus' throat. He would never tire of this, he could never take it for granted, and he knew, as he lay there at the man's mercy, that no one would be able to make him feel the way Severus could.

Suddenly, Severus' mouth moved, and Harry barely had a second to register what was happening before he felt a warm, wet tongue circle his entrance.

"Oh God," he breathed, one hand gripping the bedsheets tightly.

Severus had never done this to him before and Harry's mind was screaming at him that this was the most insanely intimate thing he'd ever experienced in his life. He pulled his legs up slightly and opened himself up to Severus' attentions, torn between a mix of self-consciousness and sheer delight at the sensations rippling through his body.

The tongue breached him while warm lips assaulted his skin and all Harry could think was that if Severus' tongue felt this amazing inside him, he was going to lose his mind entirely when that tongue was replaced by Severus' prick.

"Severus," he whispered, as the man continued to lavish attention on him. "Please."

Severus stopped what he was doing and looked up at Harry with an expression that made Harry's breath catch in his throat.

"What do you want, Harry?" he asked, his voice low, sending a shiver up Harry's spine. "Say it," Severus instructed, and Harry felt undone by how safe he felt giving control over to the man.

"I want you inside me," he whispered. "I want everything."

"Accio lubricant," Severus said, and the jar from the nightstand landed in his hand. He looked down at Harry, his eyes dark but surprisingly gentle as he said, "If you want to stop at any time, you have only to say."

The tenderness with which it was said struck Harry squarely in the chest and he had never felt more certain of any decision he had ever made in his life. This could have happened with some stranger he met in the pub, or perhaps someone whose sole purpose in bedding him was to run to the papers the next morning with their tale of deflowering The Boy Who Lived, but it wasn't. It was happening with the man who had been at the centre of his thoughts for months, the man who had taken time to learn his body and had given Harry the opportunity to understand his needs and desires in a safe and caring environment.

"I won't want to stop," Harry said softly, and Severus smiled down at him before he poured the lubricant into his hand then lowered his fingers to tease Harry's entrance.

He leant forward and captured Harry's lips with a soft, slow kiss, and Harry happily responded before he felt one long finger enter him. It was followed by a second, and Severus moved them in and out of his body as he continued to kiss him, deepening it as his fingers moved further into Harry's body. A third finger was added and Harry felt overwhelmed by the intrusion, a cry being torn from his lips as those long fingers brushed against something inside him that sent shockwaves through his body.

"Do you know how long I've wanted to be inside you?" Severus murmured as he moved to kiss Harry's throat, continuing to stretch and prepare him with careful thrusts of his fingers.

"Severus," Harry said shakily, becoming more undone by the second, and Severus' words threatened to tip him over the edge. The fingers were removed and Harry felt a flutter of nerves as Severus moved to line himself up with his entrance.

The man leant down and pressed his lips to Harry's as he began to push gently inside. Every sense Harry possessed felt overwhelmed and he was sure that part of his body was registering the slight pain he was experiencing, but all he could focus on was the wonder he felt. Severus eased all the way inside him and Harry moaned softly against the man's lips, amazed at what was happening to him.

"Alright?" Severus murmured softly.

Harry nodded, unable to form any kind of sentence at that moment. Severus withdrew nearly all the way then moved slowly back in again and Harry tilted his hips upwards to meet him better. It felt fantastic. It was slightly uncomfortable and there was a hint of pain behind the sensations, but he couldn't have cared less. Severus was inside him, making love to him, and that was the only thing he cared about.

Severus' lips met his own again and Harry let his body take over completely as he responded to the kiss as Severus moved within him. The thrusts were becoming deeper each time, each one measured and careful, firm but gentle. Harry arched his back, meeting the thrusts as they came, drawing Severus in as deeply as he could.

"Oh fuck yes," Harry said with a shallow breath as he felt his nerves ignite as Severus angled his hips slightly differently and made him light up like a pinball machine. "Christ, do that again."

There was a soft chuckle before Severus obeyed the order and did indeed keep his thrusts at the same angle. Harry writhed against the bed, his fingers digging into Severus' shoulders as he felt the man's breath next to his ear. It was deliciously intimate, the sounds, the sensations, making Harry's body tingle all over.

He could feel the pleasure building, feel Severus' skin against his own, feel the man moving inside him. It was wonderful and overwhelming, and Harry never wanted it to end. Severus pushed harder, faster, and Harry gasped as he felt the man's hand close around his aching prick.

It was too much and not enough all at once and Harry tried to impale himself more, tried to push himself further into Severus' hand. "Oh God," he breathed. "God, God," he whispered before his release finally came, setting his body on fire as his back arched off the bed.

He breathed deeply, trying to gain control of his senses, and was dimly aware of Severus continuing to thrust before he released a shuddering breath. His body pressed down against Harry's and Harry's hand settled on the nape of the man's neck as he rode out his high.

There was a blissful few moments where there was nothing but the sound of their breathing and Harry allowed himself to indulge in the feel of the man still inside him. He felt so close to him and felt bereft when he felt Severus slide gently from him. A cleaning charm was murmured and Severus shifted off him and to the side.

"Ok?" the man asked.

Harry turned to look at him with a grin. "Ok?" he echoed. "That was a damn sight better than ok."

Severus smiled and said, "I meant are you ok?"

"Yeah," Harry said with a laugh. "I'm great."

"I didn't…hurt you?"

Harry shifted his body to lie on his side and reached out to rest his hand on the man's cheek. "No, you didn't hurt me, not for one second. It was amazing, you're amazing."

"You're just flattering me so I'll fuck you senseless again."

"Am I that transparent?"

Severus nodded and rearranged them so Harry was tucked into his side, Harry's head reasting on the man's chest. Harry closed his eyes and nestled closer, revelling in the press of skin against skin. If this was what people referred to as an afterglow he could get used to it.

He woke hours later, Severus' chest pressed against his back and the man's breath dancing over his skin. He smiled contentedly and ran his hand over the arm that circled his waist. For the first time in a long time he felt a strange kind of peace and he wanted to hold onto it for as long as he could.

He slept well and was pleasantly surprised to find that there was no awkwardness between them when they woke up. Severus greeted him with a kiss and said he expected breakfast before disappearing for a shower, Harry using the other bathroom before he settled himself into the kitchen.

He tried to wipe the smile form his face while he organised breakfast but he was happy and he couldn't deny it. His thoughts had finally stopped dominating him, stopped pressing down on him so oppressively, and he felt lighter than he had done in a while.

"Smells good," Severus said, coming into the kitchen in loose slacks and a shirt with the sleeves rolled up.

"Cheese and mushroom omelettes with fried potatoes. Thought we could both use the nourishment after last night," he said, smiling over his shoulder at the man.

Severus smirked and opened up the paper Harry had placed on the table while Harry filled up the waiting cafetiere with boiling water. He put the finishing touches to their breakfast and dished it up, joining Severus at the table. It was all terribly domestic and Harry tired not to smile too widely at just how pleasant that really was.

He kept seeing flashes of the night before, kept remembering how it felt to have Severus inside him, to feel the man's body moving against his own, and it made his cheeks flush to think of it. He was desperate to repeat the experience but he didn't want to make any demands of Severus or put pressure on something that was perhaps meant to be casual.

They ate and made conversation about the day ahead, planning the day's training and a few potions orders Severus had to fulfil. Harry couldn't say, hand on heart, that he felt differently about training from the day before; he still felt an aggressive approach was necessary but he thought it best to pretend otherwise to Severus.

He was determined to work as hard as he could, to turn himself into someone worthy of defeating Voldemort. There were people relying on him, lives literally depended on his progress and he couldn't lose sight of that, no matter what anyone else said.

They spent the majority of the day on offensive magic, the kind Harry would need in the battlefield. Severus had pointed out, quite rightly, that although the end goal was for Harry to fight Voldemort, it was likely he would have to dispatch various Death Eaters to get to him. There were several highly proficient fighters among his closest ranks and Harry would likely have to cross wands with several of them.

He was becoming an adept duellist. He was resourceful and creative, he could think on his feet and his skill with wandless magic was growing with each session. Severus' teaching was a vast deal better than it had been years ago and Harry appreciated both the man's skill and the vast depth of his knowledge.

"At least you didn't work yourself into a coma today," Severus commented as they sat in the living room later that night, Severus massaging the Valerian root into Harry's aching hand.

"Is that a criticism?"

"Don't be daft. This hand needs resting, no training tomorrow."

Harry went to object but Severus glared at him and so he closed his mouth with a huff. He leant back against the chair and enjoyed Severus' attentions, the man's strong thumbs easing some of the soreness from his hand.

"Feeling better?" Severus asked.

"Mm. You have talented hands," Harry said, and Severus raised an eyebrow at him. "Well you do," Harry laughed. "They do wicked things."

"They will do if you're not careful."

Harry smiled and reached for his wine with his free hand, taking a sip and sighing contentedly, the glow from the fire keeping away the late Autumn chill. In moments like these it was easy to pretend they were just two people who'd escaped to a cosy cottage to enjoy some stolen time together, rather than people who'd been exiled for their safety.

He wondered how Severus viewed it. He'd initially accepted the situation with a surprising amount of good grace and had been nothing short of civil before he'd been shagging Harry's brains out. He didn't seem to resent being packed away to Scotland in the same way Harry did, indeed he had almost blossomed under the conditions.

"You spend far too much time thinking these days," came the man's voice through his thoughts.

"You used to accuse me of not thinking enough," Harry returned with a smile.

"A potential oversight on my part."

"Admitting you were wrong? I never thought I'd see the day."

"Let's not overstate the issue."

Harry laughed and said, "Fancy taking a bash at silencing my thoughts?"

He leant forward and met Severus' lips, the fire crackling gently beside them as they kissed. He moved closer, placing his wine to one side as he insinuated himself into the man's space. It certainly was effective; when he kissed Severus there was no room in his head for anything else.

"I'm content to be your distraction," Severus murmured against his lips as his fingers began to dance beneath his shirt.

"Good, because I have several distractions to try out."

AN: Hope you enjoyed the chapter, please leave a review and let me know.