Chapter 12

~*~ 8 years ago ~*~

Harry had taken to going for a walk after every training session. It helped him wind down, to decompress after so much exertion and clear his head. The area surrounding the cottage was beautiful and Harry alternated his walks between the forests and the coastline.

Summer had long since ebbed away but Harry didn't mind. He'd always preferred Autumn; he liked the cooler temperatures and the nights beginning to draw in, liked the cosiness of a hot drink in front of the fire. He enjoyed walking in the woodland near the cottage and watching the leaves change while a kind of otherworldly chill set in.

Sometimes Severus joined him but the man wasn't exactly fond of nature and preferred his books and studies to trekking through muddy forests. It didn't matter; Harry quite liked his own company and was glad to have some time to himself where he could collect his thoughts and allow them some freedom.

Training was intense and becoming more so by the day. Harry was dogmatic in his endeavours and it was beginning to pay off. His skill was growing daily and he was doing everything he could to increase his knowledge in defence and dark magic.

The most difficult thing for him to come to terms with was that, although his training was specific and focused, there was no actual plan for Voldemort's defeat. There was no one spell that was supposed to bring about his downfall or no concrete plan that Harry was supposed to work towards.

It made him feel nervous and uncertain but Severus simply said that it was more than likely he would find himself in the middle of a battle with nothing but his wits to assist him. It was a fair point but Harry wished there was a proper end in sight, something for him to work towards, a time when all of it would be over.

"I thought you'd run away," Severus said, eyes on the book in front of him as Harry made it back to the cottage.

"And leave you all on your own? I'd never be so cruel," Harry said, hanging up his jacket. "It's starting to get bloody chilly out there."

"If you're about to segue into a tortured pun about warming up then I invite you to turn around and go back outside."

Harry grinned and sauntered over to Severus' chair. "Are you saying you don't want to warm me up?" he asked plucking the book from the man's hands and settling slowly into Severus' lap.

Severus' hands came to rest on his hips and an eyebrow raised itself in challenge. "I found a spell that I've been dying to try out. Want to see it?" Harry asked, feeling that familiar flutter of anticipation and excitement whenever he was this close to Severus.

"I'd be remiss in your training if I didn't encourage you," Severus said smoothly.

Harry took a deep breath then inclined his head, holding the incantation in his mind, then in a flash of air like a hurricane had blown through the cottage, his and Severus' clothed vanished. Severus blinked in surprise, indeed Harry had surprised himself with the success of the spell.

Severus cleared his throat and said, "Might one enquire where our clothes are?"

"I haven't ironed out the kinks yet. They could be folded neatly upstairs…or they could be orbiting space. Are you bothered right now?"

"No…but I might be later," Severus said as his hands began travelling up Harry's back, sending goosebumps all over his skin.

Harry shifted his hips and pressed his erection against Severus', enjoying the darkening of Severus' eyes as he did so. "Did you like my spell?" he asked, and Severus nodded as trailed one hand over Harry's hip, along his stomach and down to tease the head of Harry's cock.

"I did," Severus replied, his voice deep and rich. "Would you like to see one of mine?"

"Mm," Harry hummed in response, closing his eyes with a smile as Severus smeared a drop of precum over the tip of his cock with his thumb. He was so focused on the action that he didn't hear the spell Severus used but he sure as hell felt its effects.

He felt the tingle of magic inside him, felt himself being stretched and prepared in a way that took his breath away. "Holy fuck," he breathed, as Severus lined his cock up with Harry's and began stroking them in tandem. "That's a nifty little spell, Professor."

"Glad you approve," Severus said as the spell continued to work its magic deep inside Harry. "Line yourself up with me," he said, releasing Harry's cock but keeping hold of his own at the base.

Harry shifted in the man's lap, positioning himself over Severus' prick, the blunt head prodding his entrance. The spell had prepared him well and he sank down on Severus' length in one fluid motion, groaning in approval as he did so.

He hadn't ridden Severus before, hadn't been in control of how fast or how deep he could take the man, and he took a few moments to allow himself to discover his preferences. He went slowly, canting his hips up and down in a steady rhythm, feeling every inch of Severus slide in and out of him several times.

Severus' hands rested on his hips and Harry leant forward to kiss him. The kiss was as slow and gentle as his movements, Harry enjoying the languid pace as he savoured all aspects of Severus. He loved the man's kisses perhaps more than anything, soft yet firm as they were, skilled enough to send shocks through Harry's entire body.

He deepened the kiss and increased his pace, taking Severus as deeply as he could, humming with pleasure against the man's lips. "You have no idea how good you feel," he whispered, bracing his hands on Severus' shoulders to steady himself as he kept his rhythm steady and strong.

"I know how good you feel," Severus murmured, his hands moving to cup Harry's backside as he began to thrust upwards in time with Harry's movements.

"Ah, fuck," Harry gasped, one of his hands snaking around to hold the back of Severus' neck. He rode the man harder and faster, Severus pushing upwards and Harry welcoming each thrust with heady moans. "Yes," he breathed. "Jesus, Severus…that's…"

Severus' hand wrapped around Harry's cock, and Harry bit down on his own lip as the sensation overwhelmed him. Severus' expression was intense, focused and it sent the best kind of thrill up Harry's spine. He felt the pleasure build, felt the pressure increase in his groin, and his fingers dug into Severus' skin. A few more thrusts and Harry came hard with a low groan, going light-headed for a few seconds after. Severus held him firmly and thrust up into him, the man's eyes pressing closed as he found his own release.

"Well," Harry said, out of breath, "you did warm me up after all."

"I warned you about terrible puns," Severus said, equally breathless.

"I'm open to punishment," Harry said with a grin.

"Never mind punishment. Where the bloody hell are my clothes?"

The days continued to pass in a somewhat blissful haze. They worked hard and played harder, and their nights were spent exploring one another's bodies in ways that dominated Harry's thoughts constantly. Having fantasised about Severus so often, Harry had imagined how sex with him might be, imagined it so many different ways, but the reality was so much better.

He'd imagined Severus might be rough and domineering, the same way he'd been as a teacher, but he was surprisingly gentle and, at times, even tender. The way he touched Harry was enough to make Harry smile for days after they'd slept together and, although he felt like a fool for thinking it, it made him feel…precious.

Severus took such care with him, he made him feel safe and protected, able to explore all the things he liked in an environment he never thought he'd have. His status in the wizarding world had meant that he'd shied away from any offers he'd received in the past, unable to bear the thought of someone sleeping with him for bragging rights…or a newspaper headline.

With Severus he felt…equal. The man never treated him like an inexperienced new-comer to sex, even though he took pains to make sure Harry knew he was safe and his boundaries would be respected. It was a strange little cocoon they were living in and, even though the world was descending into chaos around them, Harry wanted to stay sequestered away forever.

The way Severus treated him made him wonder about the man's own experiences. Severus knew what he was doing, that was clear, and his attitude towards Harry made Harry wonder if someone else had shown Severus that kind of consideration. He couldn't imagine that Severus had had much kindness in his life but he hoped, at least, that his sexual experiences had been positive.

"You look like a cat down there," Severus told Harry as Harry stretched in front of the fire, lying on his front with a couple of books splayed out in front of him.

"It's comfy," Harry said with a grin. "And warm too, especially as you wouldn't let me sit in your lap."

"Do you have aspirations to be a cat?" Severus asked, shaking his head.

"Nah, think of the perks I'd have to give up," he said, attempting to wiggle his eyebrows seductively.

"I'd advise you never to pull that expression again; it makes you look like Alastor Moody."

Harry laughed and said, "And here I was trying to be seductive."

Severus raised an eyebrow and said, "You've been that three times today. I doubt I can take much more."

"You're 39, not ancient," Harry scoffed. "I'm sure you could stand to go another round."

"Keep your libido in check for five seconds," Severus chastised with a smirk. "Some of us need to get other things done besides slipping into a sexual coma."

"Far worse fates to succumb to," Harry murmured, turning onto his back and placing his hands behind his head. He sighed deeply and stretched again, enjoying the feel of the soft rug beneath him. He looked up at the beams above his head, tracing the faint cracks in the wood and looking at all the patches where woodworm had made their home.

The fire crackled pleasantly beside him and outside the rain battered against the window. October was shaping up to be a miserable month and Harry was grateful they had a snug little cottage to hide away in.

"Has it been this way for you in past?" he asked softly.

"Mm?" Severus said, his attention already back on his book.

"Have you…have your experiences in the past been like…like ours?" he ventured again.

He tilted his head to look up at Severus, who was looking down at him with a slightly guarded expression. "I suppose…no…they probably haven't," the man said eventually.

Harry pushed himself up and scooted to rest his back against the other armchair. "What uh…what have your experiences been like? I mean…you know my history….precisely zero of it, but…I know nothing about yours. I mean…not that I have a right to or anything."

Severus reached for his wine and took a sip before he said, "My…encounters have usually been brief, no longer than a single night. My lifestyle was such that pursuing any kind of relationship was…never really an option. Besides…I always found being alone preferable."

"Oh," Harry said quietly, wondering what exactly that meant for him. He wasn't sure what he was hoping for from Severus, or if he expected anything beyond what they currently had, but it was a little disheartening to hear that Severus was apparently opposed to a relationship.

He picked at a loose thread at the bottom of his shirt and said, "So uh…when did you…you know…discover that you were gay?"

"I'm not," Severus said with half a smile.

"Could have fooled me," Harry said with a scoff.

"What I mean is that I prefer not to put such a label on things. I don't have a preference for one gender over another."

"Oh…I see," Harry said, considering the man's words. He'd thought sexuality was more black and white than that but he was still new to all this and had a lot to figure out.

"I realised when I was 15 that I was…different," Severus said, stretching his legs and crossing them at the ankle.

Harry cleared his throat and said, "Lucius?"

Severus raised an eyebrow and said, "You have quite staggering perspicacity when you want to."

"Thanks…I think."

Severus sighed and said, "Yes, for my sins. I had…feelings for him."

"Were they returned?"

"No," Severus said with a shake of his head. "Lucius is unwaveringly heterosexual. A small mercy – I was…infatuated; anything beyond pining would have been disastrous."

Harry picked a little more at the thread he'd been worrying and said, "You don't…you don't feel that way about him now…do you?"

Severus eyed him carefully for a moment or two before he said quietly. "No. I can safely say that I no longer harbour those sorts of feeling for him anymore. That's all very firmly in the past."

"Sorry," Harry said softly. "I shouldn't have asked. It's none of my business."

"You can always ask," Severus said, then added with an enigmatic smile, "but I give no guarantee of an answer."

Harry laughed and said, "Duly noted. I…I think I'll go and make some hot chocolate. Want one?"

"With red wine? I think I'll give it a miss."

"Good shout," Harry said with a laugh, hoisting himself up and heading for the kitchen.

He turned the conversation over in his head for the next few days, considering what Severus had said. Harry always felt compelled to ask those deep, searching questions, desperate to get to know the man a little better, to build a clearer picture of someone who remained such a puzzle to him.

He had so many questions, so many things he wanted to learn about the man but he felt like a pillock every time he struck up those kinds of conversations. He just wanted something beyond sex…not that the sex wasn't fantastic….but he wanted more from the man. The question was whether Severus wanted to give it.

The weather continued to be foul. Storms battered the coast and it rained constantly, making training outside a real nightmare but they had little option. They worked hard, despite the impediment, using weather shielding charms when they could, and spent their evenings tucked away in the cottage, the weather raging as they became more caught up in one another.

The peace Harry found when he was intimate with Severus was unlike any he'd known before. All thoughts were banished from his head when they were together, he couldn't think of anything else, didn't want to, he just wanted to focus on the alien sense of completion he felt in the man's arms.

For the first time in a long time, perhaps ever, he felt he belonged somewhere. He wanted to cling onto that feeling for as long as he could, wanted to bask in the sense of tranquillity he experienced every time Severus was inside him.

The times when they weren't together intimately were more difficult. Harry's thoughts were intrusive and impossible to ignore. He thought of his friends going on mission after mission, putting their lives in danger each time, waiting for him to be ready to face Voldemort.

He thought of his training; how far he had come and how far he had yet to go. It was tiring, draining at times, but Severus wouldn't let him work himself too hard, which he resented at times, but understood that he needed to pace himself. It was difficult when so much depended on his progress and it constantly felt that he wasn't making good enough strides.

It kept him awake at night and he often found himself lying in bed, staring up at the ceiling and wishing he could drift off to sleep. One such occasion found him lying next to Severus, listening to the man's even breathing while the rain pelted against the window.

He sighed and gently extricated himself from Severus, stepping softly over to the window. He grabbed Severus' dressing gown from where it had been slung over the back of the armchair and wrapped it around himself, pulling the curtain aside to look out of the window.

It was eerie outside, the night sky a wash of blacks and greys, the full moon being constantly overcast by the windblown clouds. The rain was loud and heavy and it thundered against the cottage angrily. It was an accurate representation of the way Harry felt, though he rolled his eyes at himself at such a pathetic notion.

"What are you doing awake?" came Severus' voice, gravelly with sleep.

Harry turned around and said, "Sorry, didn't mean to wake you. I was just…restless."

"Come back to bed," Severus said, stretching against the pillows.

"I don't want to disturb you. Go back to sleep," Harry said, wrapping his arms around himself.

"Perhaps I don't mind being kept awake," Severus said softly and Harry smiled.

He padded back to the bed and settled on the end of it, leaning against the creaky metal frame. He stretched his legs out and Severus wrapped his hand around one of Harry's feet in a surprisingly affectionate gesture.

"What's on your mind?" Severus asked as his thumb began to massage the arch of Harry's foot.

Harry gave a half-hearted shrug and said, "It would be quicker to tell you what isn't on my mind. Don't suppose you fancy slipping me a sleeping draught?"

"I can give you something if you really feel the need."

Harry sighed and said, "Maybe."

"Or perhaps you'd rather talk about it instead?" Severus suggested levelly.

"Not sure what I'd say," Harry said, forcing a weak smile to try and ease some of the awkwardness he felt. He traced the faint pattern on the duvet with his finger and tried to pretend that he couldn't feel Severus' eyes on him.

"I guess…I suppose I've been thinking about a lot of what ifs," he said eventually, his voice sounding too loud in the quietness of the room.

"How do you mean?"

"I don't know," Harry said, his eyes still on the duvet. He couldn't bear to be laughed at, even though he trusted that Severus wouldn't do that, and bearing his soul just felt so damn exposing. He'd never been very good at expressing himself, and it was even worse when he was feeling negative.

"I just wonder sometimes…what life would be like if I were someone else. What would I be if I wasn't Harry bloody Potter? Would I have a family like everyone else? Would I get to choose my own future? Would I even be magical?"

"Harry – "

"I mean, that's it, isn't it? In the end it's just a stroke of fate that I am who I am, an accident of birth. I could just as easily have been some nobody with an ordinary life – family, friends, school, some nice little office job and…I don't know, barbeques on the weekend."

"Is that what you want?"

Harry paused, uncertain how to answer. "I don't know. Maybe. I mean…other people get to decide what they want to do in life…no one's even asked me."

"Well, what do you want to do?"

Harry gave a humourless laugh and said, "No fucking clue. Since starting Hogwarts, my long-term plan has pretty much been don't die…and I guess it still is. Until this is all over…what's the point of making plans?"

"It doesn't hurt to imagine a future."

"Did you?" Harry asked before he could stop himself. Severus looked at him, his head tilted slightly in question, and Harry continued, "When you were spying, when you were risking your life at every turn, did you plan for the future?"

There was silence for a moment while Severus continued to rub Harry's foot gently, the rain still battering against the walls of the cottage and the wind whipping it up into a frenzy. "No," he said eventually. "Much like you I had no plans beyond staying alive."

"What about when you were younger? Before all of this happened?"

"I…lived in a world where hope was scarce and dreaming seemed pointless. When I discovered magic…it was like a light being turned on. It was all short-lived though…magic wasn't the salvation I'd hoped it would be."

"I can understand that," Harry said quietly. "When I came to Hogwarts…it was such an escape from the life I'd had but…it didn't stay that way for long. I guess it's dangerous to romanticise things too much."

Severus nodded then looked up at Harry with a frown, before he said, "You…had a bad childhood at your aunt and uncle's?"

"I guess so," Harry replied, his eyes averted. "But I suspect I don't want to talk about my childhood any more than you want to talk about yours."

Severus gave a small huff of laughter and said, "Fair enough."

There was silence for a moment, the only sound the rain clattering outside. Beginning to feel the chill in the room, Harry wrapped the dressing gown more tightly around himself and said, "Have you found a way to…turn off your thoughts for a while? To just make it all stop?"

"No," Severus said honestly. "But I have found certain things can distract me for a while."

Smiling at the meaning, Harry shifted back up the bed and tucked himself under the covers at Severus' side. "Me too," he said softly.

The days passed and Harry felt no better, although he found comfort and respite with Severus. He seemed to spend more time in the man's bed than his own and Severus hadn't expressed any dissatisfaction with the arrangement so Harry was more than happy to continue with it. He found it hard to get any sleep on his own and, while he didn't get a full night with Severus beside him, he slept more soundly for the man's company.

It felt bizarre, in an odd kind of way, that Severus was his anchor this way. He'd never imagined the man would provide such peace for him, and part of him worried that it wasn't healthy to depend on one person in such a way, but it seemed the only option he had. The man was so patient and gentle with him that Harry had to wonder if it was actually the same person he had known back in his schooldays. So much had changed since they'd come to the cottage and part of Harry wanted to stay there forever.

"I'm just saying that I don't think that technique is useful in the field. It's great for…I don't know…dealing with dark magic in a non-life-threatening situation but otherwise I'm not so sure," Harry argued as he and Severus prepared ingredients in the potions lab on yet another rainy afternoon.

"Not all field world is heat of battle, spur of the moment reacting, you know," Severus replied, his deft hands using a paring knife to de-shell cockroaches. "Occasionally you'll need subterfuge, something more subtle."

"Yeah, I suppose so. I guess I just always imagine a battle to be…chaos, constant reactions, that kind of thing."

Severus nodded. "Sometimes it is. You yourself have been in enough situations to know that it's often the case but there are also moments of…boredom."

"Boredom?" Harry echoed incredulously.

"Yes. As horrific as war is, there are times, moments, when all you can do is wait. Sometimes it's terrifying, other times it's boring. That's the reality of it."

Harry paused his chopping and said, "I'd never really thought of it like that before. Maybe I just don't have enough experience to do this. Maybe I am just a fucking kid after all."

"I'm not sure how you can say that after all you've been through," Severus said gently. "There are people twice your age without the experiences you have."

"Lucky me," Harry said with a sigh, returning his attention to the roots in front of him.

There was silence for a moment and Harry assumed the conversation was over. He continued his prep work, wondering if mid-afternoon was an inappropriate time to start drinking, when he felt Severus' presence behind him, followed by the man's hands settling on his waist.

"I do believe you're thinking too much again," came Severus' voice in his ear.

Harry smiled in spite of himself and tilted his head as he relaxed against Severus' body. "I never thought I'd hear you criticise me for that."

"It wasn't a criticism, necessarily," Severus murmured as he began to kiss Harry's neck softly. "Merely an observation."

"What else do you observe?" Harry asked as one of Severus' hands began to tease its way beneath his shirt.

"I observe that you're stressed," Severus said, his hand moving over Harry's abdomen and his fingertips brushing every so lightly over the waistband of Harry's jeans. "That you would benefit from something to make you less stressed."

"Suggestions, Professor?"

"Well…I suppose I could fuck you into the middle of next week."

Harry groaned and pressed back against Severus and was about to agree whole-heartedly with the man's excellent prescription when he heard footsteps overhead followed by a voice calling his name.

"Who the fuck is that?" he asked, ready to hex whoever it was into oblivion.

"Harry? Severus? Are you here?" came the voice again, this time clearly belonging to Ron.

"Shit," Harry breathed as Severus stepped backwards away from him. He turned around and looked up at the man then regretfully called up the stairs, "Be right there, Ron." He placed his hands on Severus' chest and said with a smile, "We can continue this later?"

"Count on it," Severus said, leaning forward to press his lips briefly against Harry's before they separated and made their way up the cellar stairs, making sure they looked presentable.

"Sorry, we were working on some potions," Harry said as they met Ron at the top of the stairs.

"Severus lets you near his potions?" Ron asked with a crooked smile.

"Only prep work," Harry said, returning the smile. "What brings you here?"

The pause that Ron took filled Harry with a sudden sense of dread that he didn't understand and an uneasy feeling settled in the pit of his stomach. Ron looked at them both, an apology written all over his face as he said, "Things have started to get really bad. In the last week or so…I don't know…it's all just exploded. We can barely keep on top of things and…it feels like we're coming to a head now."

"Why are you here, Ron?" Severus asked and Harry knew the answer before Ron opened his mouth. He didn't want to hear it, wanted to run out of the cottage and pretend Ron had never come, that his world wasn't about to be shattered.

"You're wanted back at Grimmauld," Ron said, and Harry's stomach fell. "Both of you. I think we're drawing to an end."

AN: You didn't really think their blissful little cocoon would last, did you? I know, I'm evil.

Apologies for not doing any review responses to the last chapter. In all honesty, I've been sleeping. Life is insanely busy right now and I'm tireder than I've ever been. I'm hoping things calm down soon because this little brain of mine needs a rest.