Chapter 21

~*~ Present day ~*~

"Hey, mind if I join you?"

Harry drew his attention from watching the sea in the distance and looked up to see Ron silhouetted against the early evening sun. "Yeah, of course," he said, and Ron took a seat next to him, looking out towards the sea in the same way Harry had done.

"I um…I've had this conversation about 50 times in my head and I still don't properly know what to say so…cut me some slack if I sound like a dick."

Harry snorted and nodded his agreement. He'd had plenty of experience with playing out conversations in his head and he knew that they never ended up going the way he'd planned. He was anxious to hear what Ron had to say and hoped, with all his heart, that it wouldn't end the tentative amity they'd found over the last couple of weeks.

"I've…been angry for a long time and…rather than speaking to you about it and trying to work through things I've just…internalised it. I should have said something years ago but…you know me – not great at expressing myself."

"I can understand your anger," Harry said softly, "and I'm sorry for it."

"Thing is…the more I think about it, the more I go over it in my head…the angrier I become…with myself."

"Ron – "

"No, let me get this out," Ron said, running a hand through his hair and looking frustrated. "There's a lot of…hurt and a lot of…wounded pride, I guess, but as much as I've thought you weren't a very good friend to me…I don't think I was a very good friend to you."

Ron took a deep breath and Harry knew better than to interrupt. He kept quiet and watched as Ron frowned ahead at the horizon, a slight pink tinge creeping up his throat. "For so long all I could think was that you left, left us, left me and that you did it without a backwards glance. I couldn't understand and I won't pretend that I understand it fully now but I know that you were suffering and I know that I didn't do anything to help."

"I never asked for help, Ron," Harry pointed out quietly.

"Doesn't matter," Ron said with a dismissive shake of his head. "Friends shouldn't have to ask. I should have pushed, I should have asked you to confide in me, I should have tried to help."

"I don't know if I'd have accepted it," Harry said honestly. "I was so lost."

"But I would have tried," Ron insisted, "and you'd have known that. I let my anger get in the way and, although I'm ashamed to admit it, my friendship with Sev was a factor too."

"How so?" Harry asked cautiously, feeling somehow vindicated to hear Ron say that he had prioritised Severus over him but feeling no less hurt because of it.

Ron sighed and kicked his foot into the ground in front of him looking much more like the teenage version of himself than the man who was nearly 30. "Sev and I…we're close – "

"Yeah, I know that," Harry said, unable to stop a touch of bitterness seeping into his voice.

Ron continued to look down at his foot, which was toeing a clump of grass out of the earth, and the pink tinge crept a little higher up his throat. "I saw what you leaving did to him and it made be angry on his behalf. I mean…I was already angry for my own sake but I guess…I was upset for him too. It wasn't my place, I know that, but it felt like you'd abandoned him and I hated to see how much it hurt him."

"I never realised it did," Harry said quietly and Ron looked up at him with a frown.

"You two…you never spoke about it? You never – "

"No," Harry said with a curt shake of his head. "I assumed he…didn't care that I left."

Ron let out a long, slow breath, looking rather taken aback, and said, "You really need to talk to him, mate. There's so much that needs to be said between you, trust me."

"I – "

"I mean it, Harry, talk to him."

Harry nodded, knowing that a conversation was long overdue but far too afraid to actually go ahead and have one. He scratched at the stubble on his chin, wishing he'd been bothered enough to shave that morning, and said, "I appreciate everything you've said, Ron, really I do but I should have…I should have come back sooner, I should have found a way to talk to you, to ask for help."

"Are you asking for help now?"

"Yeah," Harry said, meeting Ron's eyes openly. "I am. I'm done with running, I want to come home and I want you to help me."

"I'll do whatever I can," Ron said sincerely.

Harry took a deep breath and said quietly, "I'm not sure things will ever be the same between as they used to be but…I want to try."

Ron nodded and clapped a hand on Harry's shoulder, Harry appreciating the gesture more than he could say. He'd felt so distant from the man for so long and he wanted to feel close to him again, to feel that there was actually a friendship between them that was worth fighting for.

"Kingsley's just fire-called," came Draco's voice as he popped his head out of the back door. "He has news, he's flooing in in a few minutes."

Harry nodded, feeling a slight sense of dread wash over him, and Ron said, "I'll go and tidy all my notes away, see if I can cadge a coffee out of Sev in the process."

Harry smiled at him and felt a little of the tension in his chest subside, feeling hopeful about their friendship for the first time in years. "Drake, would you stay a minute?" he asked as the man was about to retreat in the cottage behind Ron.

"Sure," Draco said, and Harry stood up, walking over to him with a sense of purpose he'd not felt in a while.

"I um…" he began, rubbing the back of his neck, feeling awkward but knowing that he wanted to say this. He'd had enough of suppressing his feelings and denying them at every turn and, if things were to change, he had to learn how to voice things better. "I wanted to say to you…that…I really appreciate everything you've done for me over the last few years."

Draco tilted his head as he regarded Harry with a gentle smile and Harry resisted the urge to launch himself into the man's arms and stay there until everything was fixed and the world was a little brighter.

"Your friendship has been really important to me and I think…I think I might have slipped away altogether if it hadn't been for you," Harry continued, feeling his cheeks heat but feeling that this was too important to let his discomfort get in the way. "I…I love you, Drake and I want you to know that you're the closest friend I have."

"Oh Harry," Draco said with the same gentle smile. He stepped closer and put his hand on Harry's cheek, the action so tender that Harry thought he might do anything to stay like that, drinking in the man's warmth and kindness. "I'd give anything to take all this away from you but whatever you decide going forward, I support you."

"I'd be lost without you, truth be told, and you've been a better friend through all of this than I deserve."

"Don't say that," Draco chided. "You deserve everything, Harry, and things are going to get better, I promise."

He gently tilted Harry's head towards him and placed a soft kiss to Harry's forehead, Harry feeling his heart swell with the demonstrative gesture. He swallowed hard and bit his lip as he looked at Draco as the man pulled back, smiling despite the tears pricking his eyes. Draco gave his cheek a gentle pat and said, "Come on, let's see what Kingsley has to say."

"Do you think it's anything I'll want to hear?"

"Probably not," Draco said practically, "but we're not hiding away from things anymore, are we?"

"I'm not 5," Harry groused good-naturedly as he let himself be led back into the house.

Draco's hand was comfortingly reassuring in the small of his back and, as he entered the living room to find Kingsley talking with Severus and Ron, he was extremely grateful for it. He shook Kingsley's hand as they greeted one another, Draco continuing to stay close, his presence something Harry felt he truly couldn't do without.

"I won't beat around the bush, Harry," Kingsley said with his usual practicality. "We've found the people who cursed you and we have them in custody."

Harry took a shaky breath and said, "Who were they?"

"Low level Death Eaters, not much older than you. They were barely on our radar to be honest, we thought they'd just disappeared into the shadows."

"They had," Severus said, his voice low, "only to reappear years later with a vendetta."

Kingsley nodded sombrely. "I'm afraid we should have been more vigilant."

"It's been eight years," Harry said, hearing the tiredness in his voice. "We all thought we were safe, we all thought it was over. It should have been over."

Draco's hand pressed a little more firmly against his back and Harry leant into it, feeling a tremor rattle his body and pain settle into his hips and legs. He'd been feeling so well up until that point and now it felt like he was back to square one.

"What about the curse?" Ron asked pragmatically. "Do you know what it is?"

Kingsley looked at Harry and Harry felt his stomach drop. Whatever the man had to say, it could be nothing good. "It's an ancient one, designed to inflict maximum suffering. The curse…feeds upon ill feeling, upon the…mental anguish of its host and turns it into physical pain."

Harry laughed, a hollow, horrible sound, little more than an expulsion of air, and said, "Well it had plenty to work on, didn't it?" He looked at Kingsley and said, with a strange air of certainty, "You're going to tell me there's no cure, aren't you?"

"Yes, Harry. I'm sorry," Kingsley confirmed, and Harry felt the resignation of the situation settle about him like a cloak.

"You mean to say there's nothing we can do?" Severus asked, looking appalled.

"No," Harry said, cutting off whatever reply Kingsley might have had, "but there's something I can do. I can get my bloody life in order, I can sort myself out so that this fucking curse has nothing left to feed on. I'm not going to be fodder for it anymore."

There was silence for a moment. Ron looked proud but Harry couldn't discern the look he could see in Severus' eyes. Whatever it was, it wasn't condemning or judgemental, and Harry looked at him with something that felt strangely like hope.

"I should let you be" Kingsley said eventually. "I'm sorry I couldn't bring you better news."

"It's over," Harry said, feeling rather stoic about the whole thing. "That's news enough for me."

Kingsley shook his hand and bade farewell to the others before disappearing through the floo again, Harry feeling a strange sense of finality in the air. He sank down onto the sofa and tried to process what he had just heard, feeling as though he'd somehow known it all along and feeling as though the curse had lasted far longer than a mere few months.

"Is there anything we can do?" Draco asked gently.

"There will be…in time," Harry said, feeling like there was suddenly a clear path ahead, that the fog had lifted and he now knew the direction he wanted to head.

Draco nodded and reached out a hand to brush his fingers through Harry's hair gently before he turned to Ron and said, "Let's get out of their hair then. We'll come and see you soon."

"Take care, mate," Ron said, clapping him on the shoulder and giving him a genuine smile, one that sent warmth all the way to Harry's toes.

He and Draco made their way through the floo and then it was just Harry and Severus alone in the quiet living room, the sea a quiet crash in the distance. Harry looked up at Severus, the man standing with his arms folded, his expression still inscrutable.

"I'm going to see a mind healer," Harry said decisively, getting up to stand next to him.

"Oh?" Severus asked, an eyebrow slightly raised.

"It's time I sorted myself out. I need help, Severus, I've needed help for a long time. In a twisted, fucked-up way…this curse is the best thing that could have happened to me. It's made me face up to things, it's made me realise how messed up I am…it made me come home."

"We'll all…help…however we can," Severus said, and Harry could hear the uncertainty in the man's voice.

Harry looked at him for a moment, seeing everything he loved in the man in front of him. There was so much history between them and he wasn't willing to let it go, not until he had a definitive answer, not until he knew, for certain, that Severus no longer wanted him.

"Is there anything left between us?" he asked without preamble and Severus' neutral mask slipped.

Severus stared at him for a moment, looking stunned and as if he had no idea what to say. Harry knew he'd be weighing his options, wondering how much he could say while still protecting himself, and Harry knew he'd have to be the one to take the plunge.

"I wish I hadn't left, Severus. Or rather…I wish I hadn't left the way I did. I wish…I wish you'd asked me to stay."

Severus looked at him incredulously and said, "How on earth could I?"

"Did you want me to go? Didn't you care that I was leaving? Wasn't there any part of you that wanted me to stay?"

"Harry," Severus said, sounding as if he was trying to keep his voice in check, "watching you leave was the most painful moment of my life but I believed it was something you needed to do, that I had no right to ask you not to go. I thought…I thought you'd be back, that you wouldn't choose to stay away."

Harry sighed and ran a hand through his hair, saying, "I never intended to stay away for so long. I went away to…heal…but I don't think I ever did. Coming home seemed…out of the question. Besides," he said, meeting Severus' eyes squarely, "I didn't think there was anything to come home to."

When Severus didn't say anything, Harry moved over to the window and looked out at the sea, his heart beating uncomfortably in his chest. "You never wrote, not about anything important anyway. I waited and waited for a letter to come, for you to ask me to come home. When it never came…I thought that was it, that…whatever we had was over."

"I didn't feel I could ask," Severus said quietly behind him. "I felt that…if I did…I would be pressuring you into something you didn't want, putting my needs before yours. I thought the…casual nature of our…relationship meant that we had no…ties to one another."

"Casual?" Harry echoed, turning back around to face the man. "After all this time is that what you still believe?"

"What am I meant to believe? I…helped you discover a part of yourself."

"And that's all?" Harry said, incredulous. "Oh for fuck's sake," he said with a frustrated huff. "You know what? I'm sick of not saying what I think, I'm sick of burying what I feel. Severus, I was in love with you 8 years ago and…I'm just as much in love with you now. If it's over, then it's over," he said, the words a painful stab through his heart, "but you have to know how I feel."

Severus looked at him for a moment, a strange sort of sad smile on his face that Harry couldn't quite decipher. "I was in love with you before that," he said softly, and something dangerously like hope fluttered in Harry's chest. "Before we ever came here, before we started training together."

"You were?" Harry asked, not sure if he yet dared to believe it.

"It crept up on me slowly and I called myself a fool for it."

"Ron knew," Harry surmised, and Severus nodded.

"All that time partnering together…one night it just slipped out. We were each other's confidants when it came to doomed love affairs…only his wasn't so doomed."

"No wonder he's been so resentful," Harry said with a despairing shake of his head. "He thought you'd confessed your undying devotion and I'd cast you aside, hm? Not surprising I've been on the receiving end of his wrath."

"He's a ridiculously protective oaf," Severus said, the fondness in his voice not as jarring as it had previously been, "but I never asked him to get so agitated on my behalf."

"So," Harry said, feeling a strange sense of giddiness, albeit one that was weighed down by an ever-present uncertainty, "you were in love with me and I was in love with you, and both of us were too damn stupid to do anything about it. I know how I feel, the question is…how do you feel?"

Something that looked suspiciously like resolve settled in Severus' features and he moved closer, Harry's stomach fluttering with nerves as the man did so. This was it. His future happiness, everything he was pinning his hopes and dreams on rested upon Severus' next words. He wanted, just for a moment, to stop time, to suspend this moment so that he wouldn't know one way or another, so that he might cling to his desires for just a second longer.

"Harry," Severus said, his voice low and unbearably soft, "I have never stopped loving you. I doubt very much I ever shall."

For a moment Harry was unable to move. Severus' words struck through him, right to his very core, and, for the first time in months, Harry felt no pain. He moved slowly, stepping towards Severus with caution, afraid that one false move would shatter this tentative thing that hung in the air and promised so much.

He had never forgotten the feel of Severus' touch, never forgotten how it felt to be in the man's arms, to feel how safe and protected he had felt within them. His dreams for the past 8 years had consisted of memories of those moments they had shared together and now, after so much time had passed, he was desperate to have more than just his memories.

He reached out carefully and placed a hand to Severus' cheek, the man's skin warm and beautifully real beneath his palm. He was back in the place where he had been happiest with the man who had always had possession of his heart and he couldn't, wouldn't, let it slip away. "Unless you stop me I'm going to kiss you," he whispered, a thrill going through him as he felt Severus' hand slide over his waist to settle on his hip.

"You'd better," Severus said, and Harry could sense that the man was as nervous as he was.

He was pulled firmly into Severus' arms as their lips met, Harry closing his eyes as he wound his arms around the man's neck. He was held tightly as they kissed, his body immediately remembering how it felt to be enveloped so completely by Severus, how thoroughly right it felt. The kiss deepened, a slight edge of desperation to it as they clung more tightly to one another. It had been so long and Harry wanted to drink in every moment of it.

He held on tightly and apparated them upstairs, not sure which bedroom they had ended up in and not caring at that point. He felt Severus' hands slip beneath his shirt and he couldn't stop the moan that escaped his lips, his skin feeling heated where long fingers pressed against it. There was a dim, extremely dim, part of his mind that questioned whether this was a good idea but he was damned if he was going to pay it any attention. He was back where he belonged and rational thought could, quite frankly, go to hell.

His hands went to the buttons on Severus' shirt as his own was wrenched over his head, skin pressing against skin gloriously, Harry's hands mapping the familiar planes of a body he knew as well as own. Their trousers and underwear were shed with haste and Harry felt himself lowered to the bed as Severus' body weighed down deliciously against his own. His head was spinning but, for once, he didn't mind. He'd had enough of his thoughts to last a lifetime and now he simply wanted to feel and he was damn well going to.

He allowed his hands to roam as Severus kissed him with the same skill that had taken his breath away years prior and revelled in the man's touches as they mapped out every part of him. When he felt lubricated fingers stroke his entrance he gasped and let his head fall back against the pillows, looking up into Severus' dark eyes whilst his body begged for more.

A finger breached him and he bit down on his lip as he pressed against it. Another was added and he groaned low in his throat as Severus stretched and prepared him, a third finger finally sliding inside him. "Oh God, Severus," he breathed. "I…I need you," was all he could manage, desperate to feel more than just the man's fingers.

Severus moved, his eyes still intensely focused on Harry, as though the world began and ended with him, and Harry's breath caught in his throat as Severus shifted to settle between his thighs. He pressed slowly inside and Harry closed his eyes as his body welcomed the man. Severus moved his hips, his thrusts slow and gentle but deep, deep enough for Harry to feel each one and to relish them. With each movement, Harry felt as though he was being pieced back together, that he had never been truly whole since he had left Severus' side and that he was now finally back where he belonged.

"Severus," he breathed, his voice ragged, his emotions barely contained within his chest.

Severus tightened his hold, pressing their bodies as close together as they possibly could be while he continued to move inside him, slow and deep, claiming Harry with each thrust. There wasn't a hair's breadth between them and Harry couldn't have borne it if there had been. He needed to be this close, needed to feel every last inch of Severus against him, inside him, needed to reassure himself that this was real and he wouldn't wake up alone and tangled in his sheets, his heart destroyed at the realisation it had all been a dream.

Severus was real, this was real, and the wonderful press of their bodies made Harry's heart swell within his chest. He lost himself in the bliss of it, his body welcoming Severus back as they moved as one, every inch of him remembering how it felt to be in the man's arms, how it felt to be safe and loved beneath him. He had missed this so much and he never wanted to be without it ever again. No one had ever managed to chase Severus from his mind and he knew now, with utter certainty, that no one ever could. They belonged together and he was going to do everything in his power to make sure they stayed that way.

"Harry," Severus murmured brokenly next to his ear, and Harry clung on more tightly as he urged Severus even deeper within him.

He squeezed his eyes shut as he felt the pleasure build, wanting completion but also terrified of losing this moment, of losing this intimacy and having to go back to being two separate people. He felt Severus' hand wrap around him and, with a few deft strokes, he released himself with a low groan, pleasure wracking his entire body and making him tremble.

He felt Severus thrust a few more times before he stilled, his breathing ragged and his arms shaking. Their bodies remained pressed together and Harry wanted to stay like that forever, with Severus still inside him as he rode out the aftershocks, every inch of him alive with pleasure for the first time in years.

"Nice to see some things don't change," he murmured softly, and Severus emitted a small huff of laughter.

He pulled out gently and shifted a little to the side, still staying close as he cast a wandless cleaning charm over them both. Harry watched as the man propped himself up on his elbow and Harry turned onto his side to face him, feeling suddenly nervous now that the headiness of sex was beginning to wear off.

"Please don't say you regret that," he said before he could stop himself.

Severus' expression was soft as he placed a tender hand on Harry's cheek and said, "How could I possibly regret feeling whole again?"

"You feel that way too?" Harry asked in a whisper, a sob threatening to escape him.

Severus nodded then pulled him close, Harry tucking his head beneath the man's chin as he nestled against the man's body. For the first time in years he felt truly at peace and the pain that had dominated his life had ebbed away, leaving Harry almost breathless with the relief of it.

It was barely dark but they fell asleep curled around one another, a beautiful and delicate peace settling about the room. When they woke hours later they made slow, gentle love and Harry felt the pieces of his world sliding more and more into place as he was held and loved within the man's arms. It was more than he had expected, more than he could have hoped for, and he wanted to cling onto it with both hands.

He woke before the dawn and spent a few indulgent moments watching Severus sleep, hardly daring to believe that he had spent the night in his bed, that he had been allowed this, that he had finally come home. His magic was sparking within him in ways it hadn't done in years and he felt enlivened, as though he'd been given a new lease of life, and he felt unable to stay in bed while so much was vibrating through him.

He pressed a kiss to Severus' temple and slipped out of bed quietly, finding his clothes and dressing before he left the room and made his way downstairs. He left the cottage and retrieved the broom he had taken Elodie up on, mounting it and kicking off into the sky. He flew for miles, no destination in mind, the freedom making him giddy as he replayed the night he had spent with Severus. He flew until the sun made its appearance on the horizon then guided the broom back towards the cottage, his pace leisurely.

His mind was so unburdened, his body was free of pain and everything felt clearer and simpler than it had done in years. All he had to do was focus on what he wanted, to be honest with himself and Severus, and to be to strong enough to hold onto it with all tenacity he knew he was capable of. Ok, so he was massively simplifying things, but he'd had enough of complicated to last a lifetime and all he wanted was to focus on the future with the kind of hope he thought had been lost to him forever.

He landed smoothly and put the broom back into the shed, running his hand through his windswept hair and heading back to the cottage. He closed the front door behind him just as Severus came down the stairs, tying his dressing gown, smiling when he caught sight of Harry.

"Morning," Harry said, returning the smile.

"You look like you've been dragged through a hedge backwards," the man replied, and Harry laughed, closing the distance between them and wrapping his arms around Severus' neck.

"You know just what to say to a man after a night of mad, passionate love-making."

Severus' eyebrow rose and Harry felt his smile widen, giddier than he'd been when he'd been doing summersaults in the sky. "Come into the living room for a moment, I want to talk to you," he said softly.

"Should I be worried?" Severus asked as Harry took his hand and led them both to sit on the sofa.

"I hope not," Harry said, running his thumb over the back of Severus' hand as their fingers stayed entwined. "Severus, I love you, I've loved you for 8 years and I've been miserable without you. I don't want to go back to my old life, I don't want to go back to being lonely and bitter and resentful. I think…I know we could be happy together so I guess I'm asking…is that what you want? Do you want me? Do you want us?"

"Do you really think my answer, in any universe, would be anything other than of course I bloody do?" Severus replied exasperatedly, and Harry grinned at him.

"Good, because you're stuck with me. I have no intention of going anywhere ever again unless you're with me. I'm going to come back to England permanently and you and I are going to do everything we can to make this work. I'm going to try to take things slowly but I should probably warn you now that I have every intention of coming to live here and that you'd better put a ring on my finger in the not-too distant future."

"Oh really?" Severus asked, and Harry was pleased to see that the man looked very far from horrified. "Do I get a say in this?"

"Not really," Harry said breezily.

"I shall accept my fate stoically then. I suppose there are worse things than being saddled for life with the man you love."

Harry's smile softened and he leant closer as he whispered, "Worse things indeed." He kissed the man gently, thrilled that there were no more barriers between them, then pulled back a little to say, "Any objections to spending the entire day in bed?"

"Not a single one, Mr Potter. Not one."

AN: Told you we'd get there in the end.

Apologies to anyone who hasn't had a review response from me - I'm in the wilds of Dartmoor with very little internet access, posting this chapter was An Ordeal :D