Emily couldn't believe how stupid she had been. She knew Aaron was in a bad mood, and they had just been starting to find what she thought was solid ground as a couple again, but still she went and threw a live grenade into the middle of it. She told herself it was just a fight, that all couples fight. But she couldn't silence the voice in her head telling her that she had blown it. Just like she had blown it with David, and Seth, and according to the American public, too many men before that. There really was something wrong with her, maybe she just wasn't the kind of person who was meant for a long term relationship.
She kept replaying the phrase 'I am not going to have her grow up to be like you' in her head. No matter how many times she did it still sounded just as hateful and mean. But deep down she knew there was a reason she'd said it. She didn't want Callie growing up with all the pain that seemed to govern Aaron's life these days. She honestly didn't want Callie growing up with the same issues she had either, but grounded in truth of not she knew she would be hurting if Aaron had said that to her.
The second she had gotten Callie settled in her bassinet she had rummaged through the closet until she found her Mom's old robe. Now she was curled up in bed clinging to it playing one of the voicemails she'd saved of her Mom on loop. If she screwed her eyes shut tight enough and breathed in the fading smell of the robe, she could almost make herself believe her Mom was here.
It didn't matter that the voicemail was looping 'Sweetie, I think I left my keys at your apartment, I can't seem to find them anywhere. Oh, here they are, hiding in my purse. Love you.' she knew exactly what her Mom would have said if she was here right now, 'Oh Emily, sometimes I think that type A brain of yours just gets so overwhelmed it makes you do something impulsive. Do you ever try counting to ten before you act?' Her Mom had given her that advice at least a hundred times. And she always meant to follow it, but it was impossible to remember in the moment. Or she would count to ten and her idea would still seem pretty appealing. Maybe people like her needed to count to a hundred, or a million. Or just cut themselves off from society so they couldn't do any damage.
Emily heard Aaron open the door and tried to shut her eyes even tighter. She wanted to apologize to him and get past this, but she had the feeling they were headed for another fight, and she really couldn't take that right now. She breathed a sigh of relief when he continued through to the bathroom and she heard the shower come on. Deciding she should try and cut a less pathetic figure when he got out, she turned the recording on her phone off and got up to hang the robe back up. Then she laid down again and tried scrolling on her phone to get her mind off things.
She ended up on TMZ, which when she really thought about it, was being a bit hypocritical. If she didn't think Aaron should watch hateful things on TV, she probably shouldn't let herself read the latest post on how 'brave' she was to be photographed before she'd lost all the baby weight. Which in her estimation was just a backhanded way to call her fat. She really didn't appreciate the red circle someone in the comments had drawn around her stomach on the family photo Aaron's team had posted on his Instagram at Rebecca's insistence. It reminded her of the month in college when she and Katie had thought they would join a sorority. Except back then the circled flaws on her body hadn't been shared with the world. Closing out of TMZ, she switched over to her other recent obsession, which really wasn't any healthier. She'd taken to stalking her half siblings' various social media pages. There really wasn't anything interesting to look at, they were all living incredibly average early twenties lives. The most exciting thing any of them had posted lately was pictures from a boozy brunch.
Sighing, she put her phone down. She didn't even really know what she was looking for. Besides some general resemblance she had nothing in common with these people. What was she going to do, call them up and say 'I'm your sister.' She doubted her father had even told them she existed. He certainly hadn't mentioned them to her, but then again he'd been more interested in making some money then in reconnecting with her. She needed to stop chasing crazy dreams and focus on what she had.
Before she could move onto searching on Zillow again, Aaron came out of the bathroom. Even after dating for six months she still got butterflies in her stomach watching his walk around the bedroom in just a towel. Noticing her staring he smiled at her and asked suggestively "Enjoying the show?"
She smiled. Maybe he wasn't as angry as she had thought. Honestly, she couldn't think of the last time he had been in a flirty mood. "So what if I am?"
Aaron smirked back and crossed the room to where she was lying in bed. He leaned down and kissed her. It was somewhat sweet, but absolutely more heated than any kiss he'd given her lately. She pulled him down next to her and returned the kiss, worried that if she let him out of her arms for even a moment they would lose this sudden spark between them. Luckily he was on the same page; before she knew it he was on top of her, his lips at her throat and she was moaning his name. She had forgotten how good this could feel.
And then she jerked awake, Aaron was shaking her shoulder while holding a crying Callie in his other arm. She felt her face burn up and sent up a silent prayer that she hadn't actually vocalized the moans from her dream. "How is it already two?" She grumbled.
"She's early tonight, only 12:30."
"Fantastic." Taking Callie from Aaron she pulled up her shirt and settled in to feed her. Luckily after a shaky first few weeks, she was getting a better handle on breastfeeding. And Callie was getting into a pretty good routine, especially at night. Just not tonight she thought, chuckling to herself. Maybe all three of them were out of sorts today. One Callie was latched on, she turned to Aaron and half whispered, half mumbled, "I'm sorry."
"I know." Was his terse response.
Trying to take her cue from his tone this time she only added, "You're a great man and a great Dad. I would be lucky if Callie turns out anything like you."
"We don't need to have this conversation Emily."
"Okay." She replied. She wanted so badly to really talk to him and make things right. And if her dream was any indication she was craving a physical connection with him as well. But she'd already made the mistake of pushing things with him once tonight, so going against her nature she actually did drop it there, and tried to be grateful that at least Aaron wasn't nearly as mad as she had imagined he would be.