Aaron had been so excited on his way back to the hotel. He'd be lying to say he was thrilled at the prospect of talking to a therapist, he was actually already dreading it to be honest, but the dread was completely overshadowed at least for the time being with a relief so strong he felt almost exhilarated. For that short window of time everything and anything felt possible.
And then he walked back into their hotel room and reality came crashing back. Emily looked utterly despondent sitting on the couch with Callie resting on her chest. With a pang he realized that he was at least partially, if not completely, responsible for her pain. He hated the idea that he had hurt her, but looking over at her all he could think of was every time she had reached out to him over the last months, and every time he had pushed her away. The scene he had been playing through his head on the ride over, where he told Emily he was going to talk to someone and she leapt into his arms suddenly felt foolish. He wasn't going to be able to undo months of hurt with one phrase; one promise that Emily probably wouldn't even trust him to keep.
"You look beat, you want me to take her for a bit?"
"Umm, if you don't mind. I really could use a shower." She gave him the faintest smile. "She's ready for bed if you think you can get her down."
Once again pushing back on the impulse to tell Emily that he didn't 'mind' holding his own kid, he just took Callie into his arms. "You ready for some sleep sweetie?" He murmured to her. She just whimpered slightly, as if telling him it wasn't going to be that easy. He laid her down in the bassinet and cringed as she started to fuss, she wasn't crying really, but she was making it clear she did not appreciate being put down.
He tried to remember what Emily always told him, it was okay to let her fuss a little, she would calm down in a few minutes. Seeing the books Emily had left on the side table he picked up the first one and started reading. Some of them he had heard Emily read so many times, he practically had them memorized at this point. He was halfway through Corduroy when he noticed Callie had drifted off to sleep. He closed the book and was about to put it down when to his surprise he heard Emily say "Do you mind finishing it?" He'd been so focused on Callie, he hadn't even realized Emily had finished her shower.
Smiling over at her he reopened the book and finished the story of the stuffed bear. Once done he crossed the room and sat down next to her. "I hope I did it justice." He had not yet mastered all the voices Emily used during story time.
"It was one of my favorites as a kid." She looked a little embarrassed.
Freshly showered, her face clear of any make up, it was more clear than ever how down Emily was. He thought she might have been crying in the shower, her eyes were red and puffy again. Not knowing what to say, he pulled her into a hug. He ran his hand through her damp hair wishing there was something he could do to make this better. He felt her push away from him slightly, and was trying to think of the right words to say to get her to stay when he felt her lips at his neck.
He froze, unsure for a second what she was doing but then she pressed herself closer and started kissing her way down his neck. He felt his heart skip a beat as she began to suck on his skin. He couldn't help but think that this was a bad idea, but that thought was quickly pushed aside by how good her body felt pressed up against his. He let his hands wander down her back until they were wrapped around the curve of her ass pulling her even closer. She was still sucking and biting at his neck so he pulled away from her and captured her lips in his. The second he had his lips on hers she intensified the kiss biting down on his lip and then pushing her tongue into his mouth. He moaned he felt her hands working at his fly and he could feel his pants tightening. He knew Emily was assertive and usually a few moves ahead of him in the bedroom, but this felt fast, off somehow, even for her. Breaking off the kiss he pulled her hands off his pants.
"Feeling impatient?" He teased, trying to lighten the mood.
Not even taking notice of his comment she started pulling down her own pants. Now that there was some distance between them Aaron could see that Emily was still on the verge of tears.
"Em, seriously slow down."
"So you don't want me either?" Her voice breaking and the tears starting to fall.
"Don't be crazy, of course I want you. Just not like this."
He reached out to grab her arms to pull her back closer to him, but she yanked away from him. Pulling her pants up she practically ran from the couch spitting at him, "Don't follow me."
He wanted to listen, and not crowd her when she needed space, but they were in a hotel room and she wasn't more than three feet away crying her heart out in bed, so he couldn't just ignore her either.
Getting up he tentatively made his way over toward her, but didn't get far before she muttered, "Go away."
Feeling lost, he walked into the bathroom to take a shower. Hopefully that would give Emily some space and him some time to clear his head as well. Letting the water run down his back, all he could think about was Emily looking at him with tears in her eyes, saying 'You don't want me either.' Especially considering who she'd been meeting with today, he couldn't think of any other way to interpret the comment then as a reference to her father. Which made him sick to his stomach.
He couldn't stand the thought of Emily needing to use sex to feel whole or wanted. He knew there was a reason there was a stereotype about girls with daddy issues or whatever you wanted to call it, and he'd even thought of it himself when he'd first heard Emily and Seth were dating. Thinking back now he felt ashamed of how he'd let his jealousy riddled mind scoff at how clear it was that Emily was just using Seth to make herself feel better about her Dad walking out. He'd judged them both back then, and now here he was with the shoe on the other foot, desperately in love with Emily, but unable to make her see how special and loved she was.
Turning the shower off he sighed. He didn't know what to do, but hiding out in the bathroom didn't feel like a good option. Gingerly poking his head out the door, he listened for Emily but didn't hear anything. Waking lightly, he made his way to the bed and settled down next to her. He could tell by her breathing that she wasn't actually asleep, just faking, but he took that as a sign that she still wasn't ready to talk to him. They were both hurting, and overtired, and he thought Lyor was probably right that pressing Emily to talk when she was feeling like this would only lead to an argument, and maybe one of them saying something they couldn't take back. Trying to convince himself that he could make this all better in the morning, he let himself drift off to sleep.
Aaron woke to Callie crying, still half asleep he stumbled out of bed and picked her up. Rubbing her back he searched the room for the diaper bag, realizing for the first time that maybe the rigid organization system Emily had at home had a use beyond annoying him.
"Duffle bag next to the couch." Emily mumbled sleepily.
"Thanks." He pulled out a diaper and changed her before groaning to himself realizing that Emily had put her in what he had deemed the worst pajamas of all time. He swore they had 100 tiny snaps and the number doubled each time he had to redo them because he'd matched up the wrong ones. Some nights he dreamed about burning them. The longer he took the more Callie squirmed and kicked, until he decided they were good enough and he walked her over to Emily
"Did Daddy get your PJs all messed up sweetie?" Aaron watched half in disbelief as Emily, using one hand to hold Callie to her breast, used the other to fix the snaps on her legs. After she got the last one in place she added, "There we go, all better. Daddy was being silly wasn't he?"
"Those pajamas were invented by the devil."
"Well, they were a gift from Kimble." In the dark room, Aaron could just make out a sly smile on Emily's face. At least she seemed to be in a better mood then she had been before they went to sleep.
"Hey, she gave me a job when I was basically radioactive."
"Yeah, you're right." Apparently it had been the wrong thing to say. The teasing in her voice was gone and Emily sounded downright glum. It was always a little uncomfortable talking about Emily's investigation of him, even when things between them were otherwise fine, so now probably had not been a good time to bring it up.
Once she finished feeding Callie, Emily handed her off to him to burp. At least the parenting part of their relationship was still operating like a well oiled machine. Normally Emily rolled back over to go right back to sleep at this point, but tonight she laid on her side watching him intently. Maybe it was an audit of his parenting skills he thought internally rolling his eyes. Finally just as he was about to get up to put Callie back down to sleep, Emily said, "We need to be careful, or she's going to end up spoiled."
It was something they had both thought about and talked about. Callie would grow up with opportunities that neither he or Emily could have dreamed of when they were kids. And neither of them wanted to let that go to her head. But he thought it was basically impossible to spoil a three month old, they didn't even know what anything was yet. "I think burping qualifies as standard care; not spoiling."
"I know. You're just so good with her, and- Oh god. I'm jealous of an infant."
"Em-'' Aaron watched her hide her face in her hands. "Just one sec okay. I'm just going to put her down." Emily didn't acknowledge him one way or another, so he got up and laid Callie down in the bassinet. Climbing back in bed he laid down on his side facing Emily.
"I don't know why I am so stuck on this. I had a great Mom, and a really good childhood. But all I can think about is my asshole father."
"Well, you just had a baby, and everything you're dealing with with David."
"I just want to know what is so wrong with me, that even my own father doesn't want to be in my life."
"Em, come on. You're amazing. It's clearly his issue." She shrugged. "You were what, seven when he left?" She nodded. "Even if you were the brattiest, most annoying seven year old in the world he still should have been there for you."
She cracked a small smile at that. "Honestly, it doesn't sound like he was a great father to his other kids either. They see more of him than I do, but not a lot."
"Fucking jackass. I'd really like to beat the crap out of him one day." Saying it he knew the comment made him a bit of a stereotype, but he hadn't punched anyone since high school and close to twenty years of settling disputes like an adult had him longing to feel his fist connect with someone's face. Specific someone who had hurt Emily.
"Wait, so he walks out on me, and you get to beat him up?" He could swear he heard some laughter in her voice.
"Fine, you can get first punch, but I reserve the right to do some damage."
"Punch him? Nah, knee to the balls. Much more effective." Now she was actually giggling, he was glad to see she wasn't so far down the rabbit hole of feeling hurt that she couldn't laugh.
"Remind me never to get on your bad side." He chuckle a bit himself, he'd always found Emily's laughter contagious.
"Or we skip the beat down and use a slow acting poison. You were National Security Advisor, you must have some good tricks up your sleeve."
"That would have been a better job for Hannah." He was surprised to find his voice catch at her name. Without realizing it he had gone probably a year without thinking about Hannah. Even thinking about her now, he was having a hard time recalling what she looked like, sounded like. They hadn't even been friends really, he was the pencil pushing politician, and she was a loose cannon who had managed to convince him she could survive anything. Until she couldn't. Until she suffocated alone in the burning warehouse, a fate that felt wrong for anyone, but especially wrong for her. She was supposed to be indestructible. Even thinking about it, he felt his throat start to itch, then felt it closing, making it harder and harder to draw a breath. He could hear Emily's voice but it was quiet, far away and starting to be drowned out by the sound of his heartbeat, speeding up, putting him on high alert. And then it was the feeling of heat at the back of his neck, as if he was the one in the burning building.
The next thing he knew he was gasping for breath while Emily rubbed his arm, softly repeating his name. She was sitting up beside him, and he let her guide him to rest his face on her chest. She was asking him to breathe with her, and he did his best to match his breaths to her long slow ones, trying to focus on the hand she was running through his hair, hoping to calm himself down. But he couldn't banish the pictures that were flashing through his head. It started as an image of Hannah lying face down on a dirty floor, swiftly replaced by Josh's body crumbled under a pile of rubble. Then it was Emily bleeding out on a street corner, and then he was back in Cuba, a gun in his own face. Sensing the futility of trying to hold them back Aaron let the hot tears fall down his face. When did he become this person? So haunted by the slightest reference to a lost friend, that he couldn't function. He hated being reminded of the past, but even more than that he hated not being able to think about it. Not even being able to think back to good times without breaking down. And worse yet, not able to talk to Emily through her pain without making it about him.
The more he realized how desperate his situation felt, the stronger his tears became. He didn't know how long he lay there sobbing into Emily's chest, but when he finally pulled himself together he felt thoroughly embarrassed. Seeing how wet her shirt was he got up to toss her another one from his suitcase, and then while he was up tried splashing some water on his face, hoping it would make him feel more human. It worked a somewhat, and when he curled back up next to Emily he managed to resist holding her in his arms as tightly as humanly possible like he did other nights. When it became clear she wasn't going to say anything to him he cleared his voice, and summoning all the strength he had told her, "I'm going to talk to someone."
Her sleepy voice responded, sounding somewhat confused, "Huh?"
Finding it just the slightest bit easier now that he had started the conversation, he said, "A therapist or whatever, I'll make an appointment for next week when we're back in DC."
"Oh." He could tell how surprised she was. "I think that's great. Really, I think it will be good for you." She kissed him lightly on the cheek. "Do you wanna talk about it?"
"No. Honestly, I just want to try and sleep right now." He hadn't realized until now how much crying could sap you of all energy. Mumbling something he couldn't make out Emily wrapped her arms tighter around him, so he let himself do the same and felt sleep quickly overtake him.