Author's Note: This viewing will take place during "Fall" (Volume 3, episode 6) right between Ozpin offering Pyrrha the Fall Maiden powers and Yangs match with Mercury.
Disclaimer: The following is a non-profit story for entertainment purposes only. "RWBY" is the property of director and animator Monty Oum (RIP) and production company Rooster Teeth, and "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" is the property of directors Terry Gilliam and Terry Jones (RIP), production company Python (Monty) Pictures Limited, and distributed by EMI Films.
Read and enjoy!
The usual moviegoers had just arrived at Gold Sith's theater. It was only a few hours until the next match at the Vytal Tournament between Yang and Mercury Black so the viewing was scheduled at noon rather than at night. They were chatting amongst themselves as they grabbed food and drinks from the tables.
"I'm glad Gold-Sith is showing us a comedy movie this time," Nora said excitedly as she grabbed some snacks.
"Me too. I could use a good comedy flick right now," Yang agreed, hoping to improve on her jokes.
"It's a nice change of pace from the gruesome action films we've been watching so far," Weiss added, not being a huge fan of the action genre.
Jaune noticed Pyrrha had been acting a bit strangely since her meeting with Ozpin. She was quiet and looked deep in thought. He cast a curious glance at the headmaster.
"Is everything all right, Pyrrha? You're acting kind...different," Jaune asked with concern.
"Hmm, oh yeah. Everything's fine, Jaune," Pyrrha replied quickly with a forced smile.
Jaune wasn't convinced. He was about to respond when the movie screen shined on, revealing Gold Sith's shimmering blue form.
"Welcome back, everyone. All is well, I trust?" Gold Sith asked.
Ozpin paused briefly before answering. "Yes, Gold Sith. Everything is well."
Gold Sith nodded slowly. "If you say so, Professor Ozpin. I hope your all excited for this viewing. It's my favorite comedy."
"Absolutely. Nothing wrong with a good laugh now and then," Port said with enthusiasm.
"I'd prefer it over another violent action film," Glynda added.
Everyone took their seats with their snacks and beverages as the lights dimmed and the film began.
The cursive white letters appeared behind a black background
'James Ironwood and the Holy Grail'
"Look at that, sir. You're the title character," Winter said, pointing at the screen.
"So I am. Interesting," Ironwood said, sipping a glass of water.
"Whoopee," Qrow snarked under his breath.
Then the following text appeared.
Atlas, 932 BGW (Before Great War)
Cut to a foggy countryside on an early morning.
"So, this takes place far back during the dark ages," Oobleck said, his interest in history piqued.
The faint sound of hoofbeats could be heard. The sound grew louder until two figures emerged from the mist. But it was too dark and foggy to identify them.
One of them was a man clothed in regal armor and had a brass crowned helmet on his head.
The other was a servant who was banging two coconut halves together to mimic hoofbeats. A heavy backpack full of gear was on his back, keeping him constantly hunched over.
"Is that a crown on that man's head," Port asked, squinting his eyes due to the obscuring fog.
"It looks like it. So he must be a king or a noble," Ren noted.
"But what's with the coconuts?" Sun asked with a cocked brow.
The king held up a hand. "Whoa there!"
The two men halted in their tracks.
Many members of the audience instantly recognized the voice.
"I think that's you, general?" Penny pointed out.
"It does sound like me," Ironwood replied, curious about his role as a king.
The king spotted the silhouette of a castle in the gloom.
He proceeded forward while pantomiming horse riding. The servant trailed behind, still simulating hoofbeats with the coconuts. As they got closer, their faces could be recognized.
The king was a black haired man with a full beard and mustache, confirming it was Ironwood.
There was a short pause before most of the audience started laughing. Yang, Qrow, Nora, and Coco found it especially funny.
Ironwood gaped at the screen before facepalming at how ridiculous he looked pretending to ride a horse.
"Sir, what are you doing?" Winter asked in a perplexed voice.
"I'm loving this movie already!" Qrow hollered as he caught his breath from laughing so hard.
The servant was revealed to be a balding, brown haired man with a mustache.
"Klein?" Weiss said in surprise.
"Who is Klein?" Ruby questioned her partner.
"Our family butler," Winter answered wistfully, having not Klein in a while.
"Halt! Who goes there?" A voice called out from above.
Klein made a horse halting sound with the coconuts as he and Ironwood stopped at the base of the castle walls and looked up. There was a guard gazing down from the parapet.
"It is I, James Ironwood, son of Uther Ironwood, from the castle of Camelot. King of Atlas, defeater of the Valeans, sovereign of all Solitas!" Ironwood answered in a
The guard paused. "Pull the other one."
Glynda blinked. "He doesn't believe he is the king?" she asked in puzzlement.
"To be fair, he doesn't even have a horse," Qrow said with a snicker, earning glares from Ironwood and Winter.
"Or maybe he can't see him through the fog," Pyrrha assumed.
"I am. And this my loyal servant, Klein," Ironwood replied, glancing at Klein. "We have ridden the lengths and breadths of the land in search of knights who will join our court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master."
"What? Ridden on a horse?" The guard asked.
"Yes!"
Ruby giggled. "No, he didn't."
"He could have lost the horse. The dark ages was a tough time for everyone. Even royalty," Oobleck theorized.
"You're using coconuts!" The guard said.
Ironwood arched his brow. "What?"
"You've got two empty halves of coconuts and you're banging them together."
"So?" Ironwood said scornfully.
"So you're kind of a shoddy king," Qrow said, snickering again.
"Watch yourself, booze hound," Ironwood growled.
"Both of you, settle down," Glynda ordered sternly.
"We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land," Ironwood explained. "Through the kingdom of Atlas to-"
"Where did you get the coconuts?" The guard interrupted.
Ironwood paused. "We found them," he answered simply.
"Found them? In Atlas? The coconut's tropical."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, this is a temperate zone."
"How would the guard even know what coconuts are? This is the dark ages," Neptune questioned, sipping a soda.
"Comedic aspects aside, they could have reached Atlas via overseas trade with tropical regions," Ozpin answered.
"And being king, it's reasonable for Ironwood to have acquired a coconut," Winter added.
"The swallow may fly south with the sun, or the house martin or the plover seek warmer climates in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land," Ironwood reasoned.
"Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?" The guard asked skeptically.
"Not at all. They could be carried," Ironwood answered.
"What? A swallow carrying a coconut?"
"That doesn't sound possible. A coconut would be too heavy for a swallow to carry," Penny doubted.
"Even if they could be carried, the exhausting overseas distance between the two regions would make it impossible," Oobleck added.
"It could grip it by the husk!" Ironwood suggested, getting annoyed.
"It's not a question of where he grips it. It's a simple matter of weight ratios. A five-ounce bird could not carry a a one pound coconut."
Ironwood and Klein exchanged confused glances.
"Exactly," Penny agreed with the guard.
"Why is he even so fixated on swallows and coconuts?" Nora asked.
"Everyone has hobbies," Ren said with a shrug.
"Well, it doesn't matter!" Ironwood said impatiently. "Go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here!"
There was a slight pause.
"Listen! In order maintain velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings four hundred and ninety three times every second, right?" the guard asked.
There was another round of laughter as the guard rambled on.
"For a simple guard, he's surprisingly knowledgeable about birds," Port noted.
"Please!" Ironwood shouted in irritation.
"Am I right?" The guard asked, ignoring his plight.
"I'm not interested."
A second guard appeared on the parapet beside the first guard.
"It could be carried by a Vacuan swallow!" Guard two theorized.
"Oh yeah, a Vacuan swallow, maybe. But not an Atlesian swallow. That's my point," Guard one countered.
Ruby giggled again. "Is everyone in that castle obsessed with swallows?"
"Apparently," Yang answered.
"Perhaps the master of that castle is into ornithology," Penny theorized.
"Oh, yeah. I agree with that," Guard 2 said.
"Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?!" Ironwood demanded.
"But then of course, Vacuan swallows are non-migratory," The first guard pointed out, ignoring Ironwood.
"Oh yeah," The second guard conceded.
Giving up, Ironwood and Klein trotted off as the oblivious guards continued their debate.
"He won't be recruiting anyone from there," Winter sighed.
"I think it's for the best. They'd probably spend more time debating about birds and coconuts than fighting anyway," Blake reasoned with a grin.
"Yeah. That castle is for the birds," Yang said with a smirk, prompting groans from everyone.
"So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway," Guard one said.
"Wait a minute! Supposing two swallows carried it together?" Guard two asked hypothetically.
"No. They'd have to have it on a line."
"Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of creeper!"
"What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?"
"Well, why not?"
"They'll be going on like that for hours," Jaune said with a laugh.
"Probably," Pyrrha giggled.
Later that day, a pair of men were pulling a cart laden with pale, tumor ridden, corpses through a peasant village. The village was in a wretched and filthy state from an outbreak of plague. Following the cart was a third man with a triangle.
"Bring out your dead!" The cart driver periodically shouted as he struck his triangle with a club.
"Oh my dust! Those poor people," Ruby gasped at the grisly scene.
"Ugh! How dreadful," Weiss grimaced in agreement with her partner, setting down her popcorn in disgust.
"It's sad but true. Plagues always took a devastating toll on the lower classes during those days," Oobleck said, sipping his coffee.
"Indeed. Life during the dark ages was nasty, brutish, and short," Ozpin said, having witnessed first-hand the hardships of peasants during his life in the distant past.
Concurrently, a plague ridden woman was coughing and hacking as she crawled on all fours. Two men covered in mud were wrestling. Every so often, a peasant would throw a fresh corpse onto the cart. An elderly woman was by beating a cat against a wall by it's tail until it died. She then took it inside to cook into a stew.
Blake looked mortified. "Did that woman just beat a cat to death?!"
"It looks like it," Coco grimaced.
"Nasty old hag!" Yang hissed.
"I understand life was hard for the lower classes back then, but that's a despicable way to obtain food," Port said, shaking his head in disgust.
A red haired man wearing a black coif approached the cart carrying the decrepit body of an old man.
"Here's one," Roman said, handing some money to the cart driver.
Yang glowered at the screen. "Why does Roman have to keep popping up?"
"Hopefully he won't appear often in this flick," Qrow said.
"And there's the old man from the dust shop," Ruby pointed out.
"Nine lien," The cart driver replied.
"I'm not dead," The 'corpse' said feebly.
Neptune blinked. "Wait...what?"
"He's still alive?" Jaune said.
"You can never tell with that guy. His eyes are always squinted," Ruby reminded.
"What?" the cart driver asked in surprise.
"Nothing," The Roman said quickly. "There's your lien."
"I'm not dead!" The old man repeated.
"Well, he says he's not dead."
"Yes, he is," Roman insisted.
"I'm not!" the old man said.
"He isn't?" the cart driver asked, confused.
Weiss scoffed. "Obviously. Since when can dead people talk?"
"Well, he will be soon. He's very ill," Roman said.
"I'm getting better," the old man retorted.
"No, you're not. You'll be stone dead in a moment."
Sun shook his head. "Well, that's a dick move."
"Yeah. Why is he trying to get rid of him so badly?" Coco asked with a scowl.
"He could be a family member who is too old to work anymore. Just another mouth to feed," Oobleck presumed, though he didn't approve of such a thing.
"I can't take him like that," the cart driver refused. "It's against regulations."
"I don't want to go on the cart," the old man protested.
"Oh, don't be such a baby," the Roman said.
A few people snickered, despite the darkness of the humor.
"I can't take him," The cart driver refused again.
"I feel fine!" the old man insisted.
"Just do me a favor," the bearded man implored.
The driver shrugged. "I can't."
"Well, can you at least hang around for a few minutes. He won't be long."
The cart driver shook his head. "No can do. I promised I'd be at the Scarletinas. They've lost nine today."
"What?!" several audience members cried, gazing at Velvet.
"Well, rabbit faunus often have large families," Velvet replied.
Coco nodded. "It's true. Velvet says she has more siblings than Jaune."
Jaune's eyes widened. "Wow. That is remarkable," he said.
"When's your next round," Roman asked.
"Thursday," the cart driver answered.
"I think I'll go for a walk," the old man insisted.
"You're not fooling anyone!" Roman shouted.
"Scummy as ever, isn't he?" Blake sneered.
"Look, isn't there something you can do?"
"I feel happy. I feel all happy," The old man sang incoherently.
Finally, the two men scanned the area for any witnesses. Then, the cart driver struck the old man on the head with his club, making him go limp.
"Killing a defenseless old man for nine lien?" Pyrrha said with disgust.
"Sickening," Glynda said, eliciting nods from the audience.
"Thanks very much," Roman said, handing over the lien.
"That's all right. See you on Thursday."
As Roman loaded the now deceased old man on the cart, they saw Ironwood and Klein trot past, ignoring the grisly scenery of the village.
"Who's that then?" Roman asked.
"I don't know. Must be a king," the cart driver guessed correctly.
"Why?"
"He hasn't got shit all over him."
"Ugh," a few audience members gagged.
"He's not wrong, but I wouldn't have put it that way," Oobleck said.
"The dark ages were gross," Nora said with a frown.
Later that day, in a wide grassy field, Peasants were busy collecting mud with their bare hands or twigs. Ironwood and Klein rode by in the background as jaunty, travelling music played.
"Nice soundtrack," Neptune commented bobbing his head slightly to the music.
"Yeah. It's epic!" Nora agreed.
"Almost makes you forget this is a comedy," Weiss said, munching on some popcorn.
A large castle was visible in the distance. Ironwood approached what appeared to be an elderly, pale skinned, woman dragging a cart behind her.
"Old woman!" Ironwood called.
The 'woman' turned around angrily. "Man!"
"There's Vine from the Ace-Ops," Winter pointed at the screen.
"So he's a peasant in this universe. Poor fellow," Ironwood said sympathetically.
"Old man. Sorry," Ironwood apologized. "What knight lives in that castle over there?"
"I'm thirty-seven," Vine specified.
"What?"
"I'm thirty-seven. I'm not old."
"Well, for a peasant living in the dark ages, that is an rare age to reach," Ren pointed out.
"You're correct, Ren. Even kings and nobles rarely made it to fifty back then," Penny added.
"Makes me happy I was born in this era," Port said with relief, knowing he likely wouldn't have reached his current age during the dark times.
"Well, I can't just say: Hey, man!'" Ironwood defended as he rode alongside the peasant.
"Well you could say Vine," the peasant replied, revealing his name.
"I didn't know you were called Vine."
"You didn't bother to find out, did you?"
"I've said I'm sorry about the old woman, but from the behind you looked like a woman."
"What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior."
"Well, I am king," Ironwood said with a hint of arrogance.
"And yet, nobody respects him. Or even recognizes him," Qrow reminded, rolling his eyes.
Winter and Ironwood scowled at Qrow.
"Oh, king, eh? Very nice," Vine patronized. "And how'd you get that? By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic social differences in our society!"
"He has a surprisingly extensive vocabulary as well," Oobleck observed about Marrow.
"And awareness of the oppressive feudal system that dominated Remnant during the dark ages," Glynda added, sipping a glass of water.
"It's not much different from modern society. The rich always screw over the poor," Qrow concluded.
Winter and Weiss wouldn't admit it, but Qrow had a good point. Their father was Jacques Schnee after all.
"If there's ever going to be any progress-"
"Vine! There's some lovely filth down here," A nearby elderly woman interrupted.
Ironwood and Winter recognized the old woman as Fria, the winter maiden. However, they kept it to themselves.
"Ew! Why are they collecting mud?" Ruby asked, wrinkling her nose slightly.
"Many peasants used mud as building material for their huts and hovels," Ozpin answered.
"Unfortunately, such a squalid livelihood was routine for them," Oobleck added, sipping his coffee.
Fria, Vine's mother, began to collect mud from a ditch before noticing Ironwood.
"Oh! how do you do?" Fria greeted.
"How you do, good lady? I am James, King of the Atlesians," Ironwood greeted back before pointing at the distant castle. "Whose castle is that?"
"King of the who?"
"The Atlesians."
"Who are the Atlesians?" Fria inquired.
"We all are. We are all Atlesians. And I am your king," Ironwood proclaimed.
"I don't understand," Ironwood said in confusion. "If I'm king, why doesn't anyone recognize me?"
"He did mention he has a castle called Camelot. So why doesn't anyone know him?" Winter added.
"Perhaps we'll find out soon enough," Ozpin predicted.
"I didn't know we had a king," Fria said in surprise. "I thought we were an autonomous collective."
"You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship," Vine retorted "A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes-"
"There you are, bringing class into it again," Fria cut Marrow off in annoyance.
"That's what it's all about. If only people would-"
"Please, please good people. I am in haste," Ironwood interrupted. "Who lives in that castle?"
"No one lives there," Fria answered.
"Too bad. It's a nice looking castle," Nora complimented, briefly imagining herself as queen of it with a grin.
"But why would it be unoccupied?" Ruby questioned.
"Unfortunately, the upkeep of castles became too expensive for some dark age lords, so they had to be abandoned," Oobleck explained.
"Well, who is your lord?" Ironwood asked.
"We don't have a lord," Fria replied as she and Marrow collected mud.
Ironwood blinked in confusion. "What?"
"I told you, We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune, we take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week," Vine explained.
Ironwood rolled his eyes. "Yes."
Ruby cocked her brow. "An anarcho- what?"
"Basically, anarcho-syndicalism is when workers unionize to control a capitalist economy without the involvement of government or authority," Weiss explained, drawing from her knowledge of economic systems and political ideologies.
Ruby tapped her chin and nodded slowly. "I think I see."
"That's a very advanced ideology for the dark ages," Penny noted, then remembered the film was a comedy.
"It sounds like your father's worst nightmare," Blake said to Weiss, prompting the heiress to nod in agreement.
"...But all the decision of that officer..."
"Yes, I see," Ironwood said in a surly tone.
"Doesn't he ever stop rambling?" Jaune questioned, getting annoyed.
"It is getting a bit irritating," Pyrrha agreed with her partner.
"...must be approved at a biweekly meeting by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs," Marrow continued.
"Be quiet!" Ironwood commanded, losing his patience.
"But a two-thirds majority-"
"Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!"
"Thank you!" Coco said, throwing her hands up.
"Finally, he shuts up!" Nora added.
"Order, eh?" Fria scoffed. "Who does he think he is?"
"I am your king!" Ironwood reminded angrily.
"Well, I didn't vote for you," Fria retorted.
Oobleck blinked in puzzlement. "What? You don't vote for kings."
"You don't vote for kings," Ironwood corrected.
Oobleck sighed while a few people laughed.
"Well, how did you become king, then?" Fria asked.
The scene faded out to a flashback while soft, angelic chanting played. Ironwood was shown sitting in a wooden rowboat in the middle of a lake at night. A full moon shined high above him.
"The Lady of the Lake, Glynda, her body clad in the purest shimmering samite..."
Glynda Goodwitch, wearing a silky, white gown, rose up from the depths of the lake before Ozpin. Her body glistened beneath the moonlight, giving her an almost angelic appearance.
Many male audience members were captivated by the beauty of Glynda's counterpart. A few female members narrowed their eyes with jealousy.
"My Oum," Sun muttered.
"She's beautiful," Neptune whispered.
Even Ironwood couldn't resist gaping slightly at the screen.
Glynda cleared her throat awkwardly as tried to hide her blush.
"She held aloft, Excalibur, from the bosom of the water to signify by divine providence that I, James, was to carry Excalibur."
Glynda handed Excalibur to Ironwood, who gazed at her in awe.
Cut back to the present.
"That is why I am your king!" Ironwood proclaimed.
"That's it?" Qrow scoffed. "A woman in a lake gave him a sword and that makes him a king?"
"That explains why nobody recognizes any authority in him," Velvet said.
Ironwood would have retorted if he didn't realize they had a point.
Vine wasn't impressed. "Look, strange women lying in ponds handing out swords. That's no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony."
"Be quiet!" Ironwood shouted.
"What cheek!" Winter shouted in outrage.
"He has a point, though," Ozpin said. "Absolute power granted by mere possession of a sword does sound rather ridiculous."
"Any pretender to the throne could take advantage of that sort of political system," Glynda added.
"You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!" Vine sneered.
"Shut up!" Ironwood yelled with fury.
"I mean if I went around saying I was an emperor because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, people would put me away!"
"Some people say politics are destroying comedy. But watching this makes me disagree," Port chuckled.
Nora scratched her chin with a grin. "I wonder if I walked around with Magnhild saying I was queen of the castle, would they give me one?"
Ren rolled his eyes. "No, Nora. They wouldn't," he groaned.
Ironwood angrily approached Vine and yanked him to his feet by the collar. Fria stood up with a lump of mud in her hands.
"Shut up!" Ironwood shouted. "Will you. Shut up!"
"Ah! Now we see the violence inherent in the system!" Vine said, undaunted by Ironwood's aggression.
"He baited me," Ironwood said, embarrassed for his counterpart.
"Reminds me of Faunus trying to make me or my family flare up in public to besmirch us," Weiss sadly recalled.
"I've suffered from that as well, even after joining the military," Winter empathized with her sister.
"Shut up!" Ironwood repeated, shaking Vine.
Other peasants in the background took notice of the scene Ironwood was making.
"Uh-oh! The other peasants are taking notice," Ren noted.
"He'd better take off before they turn into an angry mob," Pyrrha added cautiously.
"Come and see the violence inherent in the system. Help, help, I'm being repressed!"
"Bloody peasant!" Ironwood spat as he released Vine and stormed off.
"He's making it worse~" Qrow said in a low, sing-song voice.
Other peasants appeared in the foreground as they were drawn to the commotion.
"Oh, Did you hear that! What a give-away!" Vine continued. "Did you see him repressing me, then? That's what I've been on about!"
Later that day, Ironwood and Klein 'rode' through down a path cutting through a dense forest.
Cut to a close up of a pair of knights fighting elsewhere in the forest. One wore a black surcoat with distinctive horns on his helmet. The other wore a green surcoat.
"Here we go! Time for an action sequence," Nora said excitedly.
Cut back to Ironwood and Klein moving steadily closer to the knights' duel.
Cut back to the fight. The next shot reveals the two knights fighting in a clearing halved by a narrow stream with a tiny foot bridge spanning across. Klein and Ironwood halt at the edge of the clearing to witness the battle.
The Black Knight and Green Knight seemed evenly matched at first, but the former slowly gained the upper hand.
Ironwood and Klein exchanged fascinated glances as they watched the duel.
"Maybe he'll finally get some knights to recruit," Winter said.
"As long as they're not obsessed with swallows or coconuts," Ruby said, eliciting a few chuckles from the audience.
Finally, the Green Knight made one last attack with an axe, screaming as he charged the black knight. Acting quickly, the Black Knight drew back his sword and threw it. The blade impaled the Green Knights head through the narrow visor of his helmet, killing him instantly.
"Oooh! Messy," Nora said, wincing slightly.
"Damn! That was a good throw," Yang complimented.
"Now there's somebody worth recruiting," Ironwood said, pointing at the black knight.
Ironwood and Klein exchanged glances again, both of them impressed by the Black Knights strength and talent.
The triumphant Black Knight removed his sword from the dead Green Knight and stood before the little bridge spanning across the river.
Ironwood and Klein nodded to each other and approached the Black Knight.
"You fight with the strength of many men, Sir knight."
The Black Knight stood impassively staring at Ironwood. He made no response.
"The strong silent type, I take it," Port assumed.
"I am James, King of Atlas," Ironwood introduced himself.
Again, the Black Knight didn't move or utter a sound.
"What's with him?" Sun asked curiously.
Neptune shrugged. "Maybe he's shy."
"I seek the bravest and the finest knights in all Remnant to join me in my court at Camelot," Ironwood explained.
The Black Knight was silent.
"You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me?" Ironwood offered.
Still just silence.
"I suppose he's not interested," Glynda guessed.
Ironwood groaned lightly. "At this rate I'll never recruit any knights."
Ironwood sighed in disappointment. "You make me sad. So be it. Come Klein."
Ironwood and Klein prepared to cross the bridge.
"None shall pass," the Black Knight finally spoke in a familiar voice.
Blakes eyes widened in recognition. "I know that voice. It's Adam!"
"I thought those horns looked familiar," Winter added, having seen Adam in news reports and on wanted posters.
"What?" Ironwood asked.
"None shall pass," the Black Knight (or Adam, rather) repeated.
"I have no quarrel with you, brave Sir knight, but I must cross this bridge."
"Then you shall die!" Adam declared.
"Why bother crossing the bridge. You could easily jump to the other side," Penny said reasonably.
"Adam may attack me anyway," Ironwood refuted. "Though I honestly wouldn't mind taking Taurus on myself."
"Even so, it's a petty reason to fight," Glynda said disapprovingly.
"I command you, as King of Atlas, to stand aside!" Ironwood ordered in a loud, authoritative tone.
"I move for no man," Adam refused.
"So be it!" Ironwood exclaimed as he drew Excalibur.
"This is just childish. I wouldn't fight over something this trivial," He criticized his counterpart.
A furious sword fight broke out between the two as medieval battle music blared. Klein backtracked to the edge of the clearing and watched from behind a tree.
Ironwood, wearing a cocky smirk, clearly dominated the fight. He easily parried or dodged Adam's wide, sloppy strokes. He even struck Adam on the back of the head with the hilt of his sword. But the Black Knight wouldn't give up.
"Those sword swings are so predictable. Even I can do better than that," Jaune said in self-deprecation.
"Don't be so hard on yourself, Jaune," Pyrrha comforted her partner.
"He's clearly no match for Ironwood," Port said, impressed by the kings prowess.
"You're right. This shouldn't take too long," Ironwood said, confident in his counterpart.
Soon, after a mere twenty seconds of fighting, Ironwood swung his sword and completely severed Adam's left arm at the shoulder.
"Nice one!" Nora cheered.
"Well done, sir," Winter complimented her superior officer.
"He barely tapped Adam and his arm came right off," Neptune said.
"Excalibur truly is a sword of legend," Port praised Ironwood's weapon.
Adam stood firm, even as his left shoulder bled profusely from the stump where his arm once was.
"Now stand aside worthy adversary," Ironwood ordered victoriously.
"Tis' but a scratch," Adam said defiantly.
"What?! He just cut his arm off!" Weiss shouted.
"Has he been smoking something?" Qrow wondered aloud.
"Possibly. He doesn't even seem fazed by his wound," Penny observed, knowing drugs could numb pain.
"A scratch? Your arm's off!" Ironwood said.
"No, it isn't," Adam said quickly.
"Yes, it is!" Glynda shouted.
Ironwood pointed at the severed arm on the ground with his sword. "Well, what's that then?"
Adam nonchalantly glanced at the severed arm then back to Ironwood. "I've had worse."
"You liar!"
Adam raised his sword. "Come on, you pansy!"
Nora giggled. "He's going to fight with only one arm?"
"He's really going out on a limb," Yang said with a smirk.
Everyone groaned at the terrible pun.
Adam clumsily swung a few easily blocked blows at Ironwood before charging forward with a battle cry. Ironwood easily sidestepped the attack, and cut off Adam's remaining arm.
"Victory is mine!" Ironwood declared as he sank to his knees in prayer. "I thank thee O Oum that in thy-"
Ironwood was cut off by Adam kicking him in the head and knocking him to the ground.
"Come on then," Adam said.
Ironwood was stupefied. "What?"
"What?!" several flabbergasted audience members echoed Ironwoods counterpart.
"Is he joking? He can't possibly fight like that!" Coco shouted.
"You were right, Uncle Qrow. He's either crazy or high as a kite," Yang agreed with her uncle.
Ironwood stood up while Adam hopped around him.
"You are indeed brave Sir knight," Ironwood said impatiently. "But the fight is mine."
"Brave or just plain idiotic?" Weiss asked.
"Both, I suppose," Winter answered her sister.
"Oooh, you had enough, eh?" Adam taunted.
"Look, you stupid bastard! You haven't got any arms left!" Ironwood shouted, losing all respect for the black knight.
"Yes, I have."
Ironwood gestured at the stumps where Adam's arms used to be. "Look!"
"Just a flesh wound," Adam brushed off, lightly kicking Ironwood again.
Coco snorted with amusement. "Those aren't even kicks. He's just tapping him with his foot."
"Yeah, like that's going to work," Velvet agreed with her partner.
"This is sad and funny at the same time," Yang said with a smile.
"Stop that," Ironwood warned.
"Chicken! Chicken!" Adam taunted, kicking Ironwood.
"I'll have your leg!" Ironwood warned again.
Adam paid no heed and kicked Ironwood again.
"Right!" Ironwood shouted as he chopped off Adam's right leg mid-kick.
Klein continued watching from behind the tree, dumbfounded.
"That'll get him to give up for sure," Ironwood assumed.
"He can't possibly continue to fight now," Pyrrha added.
"Fight? He shouldn't even be alive from such excessive blood loss," Oobleck said, amazed by Adam's tenacious refusal to die.
Adam barely kept his balance as he hobbled about on his last remaining limb.
"Right! I'll do you for that!" Adam threatened impotently.
"You'll what?!" Ironwood shouted in bewilderment.
"He'll what?!" Winter said, a hint of amusement in her voice.
"Doesn't he ever throw in the towel?" Jaune asked.
"Good thing this is a comedy, or this scene would be much more sadistic and disturbing than funny," Ren stated.
"Come here!" Adam yelled, rubbing up against Ironwood pathetically.
Ironwood rolled his eyes. "What are you going to do. bleed on me?"
Most of the audience laughed, especially Yang and Nora.
Weiss pinched the bridge of her nose. "This is just ridiculous."
"How is he even still alive? He should have bled out by now," Ren pointed out.
"I'm invincible!" Adam declared, as he tried pitifully to headbutt Ironwood.
"You're a looney," Ironwood stated, amazed by the Black Knight's stubbornness.
"Indeed, he is," Port agreed with a nod.
"I hate to say it, but I pity him," Velvet commented.
"I don't," Blake and Weiss said at the same time.
"The Black Knight always triumphs! Have at you!" Adam proclaimed, trying to headbutt Ironwood again.
Ironwood, tired of the Black Knights annoying tenacity, cut off his last leg off. Adam, now a mere stump of a man, stood upright on the ground. He looked from helplessly from side to side then up at Ironwood.
"All right, we'll call it a draw," Adam said resignedly.
"A draw?" Glynda said flatly with an arched brow.
"Honestly, how is he not dead?!" Oobleck said in amazement at the Black Knights resilience.
"At least he's finally out of the way," Winter said.
"I should have just cut off his head," Ironwood muttered, wishing he could do so to the real Adam Taurus.
"Come, Klein," Ironwood beckoned his servant.
"Oh, I see. Running away, eh? You yellow bastard!" Adam taunted.
Ironwood and Klein crossed the little bridge, ignoring Adam as they left him behind.
"Come back here and take what's coming to you. I'll bite your legs off!"
Most of the audience members laughed the absurdity of the scene.
"He may be dumb as a rock, but you gotta admit he's very determined," Yang conceded.
Author's Note: I received more recommendations for this film than any other. I'm not surprised. 'Monty Python and the Holy Grail' is my favorite comedy and, in my opinion, the best comedy flick of all time. I discovered a few multiverse fics with scenes from the film, but I decided to go all the way and make an adaptation for the entire movie.
Furthermore, I'll be posting this story on 'Archive Of Our Own' in the near future.