Characteristics of a Hero
I stare up at the roof of my canopy bed in silence, the bed sheet covers pulled all the way up to my chin. The not-so-quiet snores of my dorm mates resound around me, but I pay no mind. I have grown accustomed to the motor-like noises. What I will never grow accustomed to is this strange feeling in the pit of my stomach. The sensation is not unwanted, but it always appears at the oddest times: whenever my thoughts rest on you. Coincidence? I think not.
I turn onto my right side, so I am facing Marietta instead of the wood ceiling of my bed. Her strawberry blonde curls are fanned around her head, her long eyelashes flutter, and her legs are tucked snugly under the remainder of her fragile body. I would never tell her this, but she is one of my best friends.
I sigh, close my eyes briefly, and turn onto my back again.
Marietta was there when you were not. She understood my predicament; you didn't. Granted, the reason the problem arose was mine, as I was the one who coerced her into attending the meeting, but you could not forgive Marietta. You could not forgive me. And you're supposed to be the hero.
You are the hero. Everyone looks up to you, expects great things from you. You bear a great burden, and I wanted to help you. I understand the problems you face: death, loneliness, and the urge to do what is right. I too have encountered these problems. And yet, because I am flawed, I am not worthy of you.
You are incredibly selfless, and for this, I am grateful. I understand that you do what is best for the majority. But sometimes, when benefiting the majority, you hurt others. You hurt me.
You are willing to defy authority for the right reasons, while us mortals follow instructions without question. You are not afraid of repercussions. But you do not have anyone to lose.
Marietta has a mother who works with the Ministry; what would she say if she discovered her perfect daughter defying the minister himself? You have no one to answer to - no one but yourself.
Oh God, I sound like a hypocrite. I seem to be condemning you for one of your most endearing characteristics: your bravery. You have the courage to do what is true, no matter the cost. You would give your life to save your friends, me, even Marietta. Your valor might be the chief reason why I love you.
Oh, but what gallant competition valor faces against all your other admirable traits! You have modesty, brilliance, and honesty. You value justice, but are not prejudiced against mercy. In fact, you forgive easily, despite my earlier rant; I know in my heart of hearts that you will forgive both Marietta and me.
What I would give to have you back! I would forfeit all of my worldly possessions for you, yet I know you would never accept anyone's sacrifice but your own. You never accept gifts. At least, you wouldn't accept gifts from me.
I've heard that your Cho Phase is finished, and you have graduated to Ginny. You chose well, my love; she is certainly worthy of you. She would never cheat on her boyfriend, and the two of you share many heroic attributes. I am certain that your lives will be full of happy memories, and beautiful children.
I could try, you know. I could try to break you two apart. I'm not sure how successful I'd be, but I'm not certain it would be worth it. If I slip in and pressure you to dump Weasley like the short-term crush I know she's not, I am not assured of what you would do. You could blow up at me; scream that you're with Ginny now; you can't believe that I would do such a thing. Or, you could be so shocked that you won't say anything, your jaw hanging in disbelief.
But perhaps the worst situation would be you accepting me, and the two of us being together once again. Do not misunderstand me – the two of us as a couple again would please me beyond my wildest and impractical fantasies, but in leaving Ginny you would be betraying not only her, but also yourself. You would betray everything that you stand for: loyalty. I would not have you forfeit who you are on account of me.
I love you, Harry Potter.
You are everything that I desire, and yet, I cannot have you – I shan't risk you for my sake.
I suppose that in this process I have come a bit closer to becoming like you. In giving you up, I have realized an attribute that I never knew I had: selflessness.
Perhaps, if I continue down this path, I could hope to become as perfect as you are. After all, I have already gained one of your many characteristics. I have already gained one of the characteristics of a hero.