Disclaimer - The rights to The Simpsons and its characters belong to Matt Groening, the Fox Broadcasting Company, and any others associated with the show. No profit is being made from this fanfiction, this is all just for fun :)
So while working on the chapters of Bob to the Future, I was inspired to write, yet, another story! Except, for The Simpsons. The entire premise for this story comes from two places, however. My main source was from a user on the Simpsons forum site "NoHomers". He created his own version of the season 25 episode "What to Expect When Bart's Expecting", and he managed to come up with a better story in 2 paragraphs than the show did in a whole 20 minutes. I loved the idea so much that I asked him if I could use it for a story, and he allowed me to. So first of all, I'd like to thank him for the idea :D Ever since I read that post, I've been eagerly wanting to bring it to life (well, not to life necessarily, but you know what I mean)
Since I didn't want this to cut in between Bob to the Future (And I'm sure you guys didn't want it to either) I decided to write a few chapters of the story beforehand, so I can post them on a schedule. I initially wanted to have the entire story done by October 1, but I don't think that's possible, so I decided to see what I get done by then, post those finished ones on an "every other day" schedule. Once I've pumped all the already finished ones out, I'll finish the last few chapters whenever I can. There are supposed to be about eighteen chapters of the story. (however, this is not a definite number, and can easily change)
So without further ado, I present to you: The Art of Bart
Chapter 1 - The New Teacher
"All rise, Springfield Elementary's faculty meeting is now in session!"
"Seymour, we don't need to rise, it's a faculty meeting for god's sake..."
"Well, pardon me for being formal."
If you couldn't already tell from the previous lines of dialogue, Springfield Elementary was having another one of its monthly afterschool faculty meetings. Principal Skinner, Mrs. Krabappel, Miss Hoover, Mr. Largo, Groundskeeper Willie, Otto Mann, and Lunchlady Doris all sat down in chairs that were lined up to form a small circle. Faculty meetings were never something to look forward to, especially when Skinner was leading. He had a habit of being excessively over-the-top and "nitpicky" when it came to arranging the meetings. Hell, he even had a seating arrangement. Everything always had to be perfect with this one.
"Now, first order of business." Skinner announces, flipping through a small agenda booklet in his hands. "Hm... Where's the page... Ah-ha!" He pulls out a ballpoint pen and begins writing on the page "It's the 14th, correct?"
No response. Everyone continued to wear their bored, uninterested expressions as they stared at Seymour quietly.
"I'll take that as a yes..." He says, as he writes the date. He looks back at his fellow faculty members "Ok, first on the agenda: Hoover, you were in charge of snacks?"
"I didn't bring anything." Ms. Hoover replies, cigarette in hand.
"What do you mean you didn't bring anything? It was your turn this month, says so on the calendar!" Skinner gets up and points at a small dry erase board hanging on the wall. On it, had a list of months with faculty members' names on each one. He points to the current month, which is September.
Ms. Hoover examines the board from her seat, and raises her eyebrow. "That says "Otto" on September! I'm October."
"Yeah, but don't you remember how we prohibited Otto from bringing meeting snacks since last year's incident." Skinner says with a grimace.
"Hey, but you've gotta admit, those edibles were pretty wicked!" The bus driver says in his usual laid-back tone of voice.
"I still don't get how you snuck cannabis in those things. I thought you said your mother prepared them!" Largo hisses.
"Mom makes the brownies, I finish the brownies." Otto explains.
Skinner sighs. "Well I guess we won't be having snacks... For the third month in a row..." Instantly, he brightens up "But that's not a problem! The meeting is still going swimmingly! Now, let's do our check-ups: Edna, how's the 4th grade class doing?"
"We started fractions last week, and 2 students already had to be sent home early for traumatic brain injury." Mrs. Krabappel replies.
"Great! How about you, Elizabeth?" He continues, facing the teacher.
"Well, Ralph only got 3 crayons stuck up his nose this week, so that's a record."
"Mmm." Skinner murmurs, as he continues writing on the agenda. "Largo, how's the school band?"
"Hm, I suppose we're getting better..." Largo remarks "I just wish those kids knew how to play in harmony! One half's playing in "C", and the other half's in "G"! Not to mention that Simpson girl is repeatedly trying to show up every student with her over-the-top saxophone solos! Then there's the-"
"Enough information, Dewey. I wanted a 'yes' or 'no', not a screenplay." Skinner interrupts, Largo rolls his eyes and crosses his arms in response. "Willie, the schoolyard's been looking greener than ever! A little bit too green, if you ask me..."
"Well, maybe instead'a complainin' you can do it yourself!" The groundskeeper fumes in his heavy Scottish accent. He gets up. "That's it! I quit! This is the last time ol' Willie is pushed around by you people!" He storms out of the door, and the room is silent.
However, it doesn't take Willie more than 5 seconds to return.
"Ya gotta take me back, Skinner! Ya just gotta!" Willie cries, getting on his knees "I can change! I can change!"
Seymour sighs. "I'll see what I can do, Willie..." He says with an uninterested expression.
"Ah, thank ya! Thank ya, lad! I promise, I'll be better!"
"Mmhm.." Skinner mumbles, looking to the side. "Otto, picking and dropping the kids is going fine, right?"
"Oh, yeah, totally man!" Otto replies "In fact, this morning, they were so well behaved! Those kids didn't say a word on that bus! All they did was cough every 5 seconds and ask me for their pills... And is it just me, or did those kids grow up real fast? All of them either had white hair or no hair."
Skinner covers his face, looking down angrily "You picked up the Springfield Retirement Castle residents again, didn't you?"
Otto snaps his fingers. "Ah, that explains everything!"
"You're tellin' me..." Edna murmurs.
We get a small flashback to the day at school. Edna is sitting at her desk, filling out some documents, while the many residents of the retirement castle are sitting in her classroom. Abraham Simpson then raises his hand.
"Teacher?" Grampa says, in his innocent, elderly voice.
Edna sighs. "Yes?" She responds.
"When is the staff bringing lunch? I've been craving figs and applesauce since we got here!" He whines.
The flashback ends, and we return back to the faculty meeting.
"Let's not make the same mistake again, Otto." Skinner orders.
"Don't worry, Skinner-dude, it won't happen again!" Otto assures the principal "Next time, I'll take those seniors to the retirement castle."
"Not the senior citizens, the students!" Skinner says angrily.
"Take the students to the retirement castle? Ok." Otto says. Skinner groans.
"Doris, I trust that you're serving appropriate student meals." Skinner says to the lunch lady.
"Depends, what's your definition of 'appropriate student meals'?" Doris queries.
"Edible and causes minimal illness." Skinner answers.
"Appropriate as they'll ever be." Doris assures.
Skinner smiles, glad that at least one thing went right.
"Well, I think that just about wraps up this meeting-" Edna quickly states, before Skinner interrupts her.
"Not so fast! We're forgetting something." Seymour says.
"I don't think we're forgetting anything." Hoover states. The other members frantically nod in response.
"Ahem, we can't close off this meeting with out a BDH!"
They sigh. Not another BDH...
"Oh great... BDH... My favorite part of every meeting." Largo sarcastically remarks.
"Mmm.. BDH... Bart Discssion Hour..." Hoover groans, placing her cigarette back in her mouth.
"Bart Discussion Hour" (or BDH, for short) was Skinner's favorite thing about every faculty meeting. Just like how the name states, they spend an hour discussing the hellraiser himself, Bartholomew JoJo Simpson. Though, can you really call it a discussion when it's just Skinner grousing about Bart for 60 minutes while the others stare at the clock?
"I still don't see why we have to have these things, Seymour." Edna says "We get it, you hate Bart and you think he's a delinquent. What else is new?"
"I agree with the lass! Why do we got tah blether about some kid all the time?!" Willie asks, outraged.
"Of course we have these things! We need to put that little miscreant in his place!" The principal grumbles.
"And you think whining about it will do anything?" Doris asks, placing her hands on her hips.
"Actually, Doris, it does a lot." Skinner states "You see, by constantly bringing it to your attention, it will further motivate all of you to take down Bart Simpson once and for all!"
"Or here's an idea, we don't take him down." Edna suggests "He's a kid, Seymour. Just let him tire himself out. By the time he's 14 he'll be too busy with girls anyways..." She pulls out her own cigarette from her pocket and lights it.
"Krabappel has a point. If Simpson just had something to preoccupy him, he'd eventually stop. Too bad that's never going to happen..." Hoover adds.
"And that's exactly why we should teach him a lesson!" Skinner demands, completely missing the point. "Now, to start our BHD, let's-"
However, the discussion is immediately halted, when a very familiar staff member barges into the room, clad in his iconic blue suit and red tie.
"SKIN-NEEEER!"
If it wasn't obvious already, the infamous Superintendent Chalmers had entered: quite possibly the only person who could put Skinner in his place.
"S-Superintendent Chalmers!" Seymour hesitates, practically shaking at the mere sight of the superintendent "What are you doing here?"
"Hmph... I see you're having another one of your... Faculty meetings." Chalmers made abrupt pauses in his statement.
"Wh-Why yes!" Skinner confirms, forcing a grin "Y-You see.. We were just getting started with our BDH-"
"Forget the BDH! We have an important issue on our hands! We don't have time to talk about some student!" Chalmers insists, relieving many of the faculty members
"Of course!" Skinner frantically agrees "Erm... What issue exactly, if I may ask?"
Chalmers puts his hands behind his back as he begins sternly pacing around the room.
"If you haven't already heard, our current art teacher, Mrs. Barbash has retired."
"Retired? I thought she was 32!" Skinner exclaims.
"Yes, well according to her, teaching at Springfield Elementary has aged her 40 more years than it should've." Chalmers explains. "Because of this, we now no longer have an art teacher, and while I usually wouldn't consider this a big deal, I can't have students' angry parents on my ass threatening to sue me for putting their students in an 'inadequate learning environment'. So maybe, let's discuss THAT!"
Skinner jumps at the abrupt exclamation. "Y-Yes! Yes, of course! Heh... Any suggestions?"
"Why don't I just teach art?" Doris suggests.
"Well, Doris, you're already the lunch lady." Skinner explains.
"I can do both, it's no problem." She responds.
"No more multitasking for you, you always get mixed up." Skinner says "Remember what happened last time you tried filling in for Willie as custodian while serving lunch? You accidentally put Borax in the meat loaf used ground beef to wash the dirty rags."
"Who said that was on accident?" Doris inquires, crossing her arms with a stern glare. Skinner merely stares at her with a blank face.
Edna huffs out a cloud of smoke as she removes the cigarette from her mouth. "Why not just remove art altogether? It's not like the kids'll need it in the future."
"Of course you'll need art in the future, Edna!" Skinner claims.
"Oh, really?" Edna says "Tell me one job that requires you to make a 'hand turkey' or sculpt a crappy clay mug for Father's Day."
Skinner is just about to respond before he stops himself abruptly, unsure how to respond.
Edna smirks. "My point exactly."
"Yeah! If ya ask me, we should be teachin' the kids some real life skills, like how to tend to land at some crummy elementary school and live off a $15,000 salary!" Willie barks.
"Now, now. I can see where Skinner's coming from." Largo says, defending the principal "Every child needs some form of the arts in their life. Y'know, if Bill Gates never took art class in school, he wouldn't be half as successful as he is today!"
"Well you're one to talk, Beethoven..." Hoover jeers, rolling her eyes.
"Hmph! I know I'm supposed to take that as an insult, but I'll have you know, Beethoven was one of the best, if not the best composer to create music that graced ears across the world!" Dewey states proudly.
"Yeah, all but his..." Edna whispers with smug grin to Elizabeth, both of them snicker in response. However, Largo didn't take too kindly to their sick sense of humor.
"Oh, you've done it now!" Largo fumes, steam practically coming out of his ears.
All the staff members began to bicker and quarrel loudly (all but Otto and Chalmers. Chalmers because he was too busy staring in disgust and Otto because- well, he's Otto. He probably didn't even notice the arguing). This endless bickering goes on for a whole minute before Superintendent Chalmers is unable to stomach another second of it.
"Would you all just SHUT UP?!" He yells, bursting with fury. Instinctively, they all zip their lips and face him with wide, alarmed eyes.
Still with a booming tone, Chalmers exclaims, "How about we just hire a new art teacher, in stead of squabbling like a bunch of parrots?!"
The room is silent for a few more seconds.
"... I was just about to say that!" Skinner declares.
"Oh, like hell you were!" Edna hisses.
"Were too!" Skinner responds. And before they knew it, the argument starts back up again.
"Woah... Dude... Is it just me or did the ceiling disappear...?" Otto groggily says, his eyes half open as he stares up at the intact stealing with a dazed expression.
Chalmers sighs "I'd fire all of you if I could."
The Following Day...
The bell had just rung and Springfield Elementary's rambunctious 4th graders were all in the art room. Usually, this would be around the time art class began, but seeing as there was no teacher to monitor them, the kids did however they pleased. Unfortunately, a lack of adult supervision and 4th graders didn't mix quite well.
As per mentioned, all the kids ran around, doing whatever they felt like. Some were throwing paper airplanes, some were dragging paintbrushes across the walls, hell, some were even pouring paint over themselves! To be more specific, Lewis and Richard were flinging paint at each other with their brushes, Sherri and Terri were just sitting under one of the art tables with their eyes glued on a "Tamagotchi"-esque device they were playing with, Nelson was practically drowning Martin in a can of red paint, only occasionally lifting his head from there to deliver a sharp punch to his face, Wendell was vomiting in the trash as usual, and of course, Bart Simpson was causing mayhem with his accomplice, Milhouse Van Houten.
Currently, Bart was using his red spray paint can to draw a rather crude picture of his principal saying "I STINK!" in a speech bubble on the classroom wall, laughing as he did so. Milhouse carried Bart over his head, allowing him to make the display as large and as noticeable as possible. Milhouse strained in pain, unable to carry Bart for any longer
"B-Bart! I've been carrying you for the last 10 minutes!" Milhouse whines "How much longer is this gonna take?!"
"Don't have a cow, man!" Bart replies "I'm just about finished, anyways. Just gotta add a few touches... Can't forget those nose hairs either... Ha ha!" Bart vigorously shakes the can and continues his drawing.
Meanwhile, Skinner is approaching the art door, except he's not alone. Next to him stood an unknown individual, a female to be precise. While I'm not permitted to tell you too much, I can tell you the female was relatively shorter than the principal, and... That's all... What? You expect me to give away the mystery guest in the first chapter? Dream on...
"They should be in here..." Skinner says to the person, who follows him by his side to the art room. Before entering, Skinner stops to peer through the vertical door window, where he could see the boisterous and crazed students defacing the school's property. He sighs "It's a minefield out there... You sure about this?"
They nod in response.
"Are you sure? Remember, once you're in, there's no going back..."
They nod once more.
"Hm.. You're brave, soldier... Reminds me of my time back in 'Nam.. Witnessing such brutal deaths... Watching all those heroes fall to their feet... It was practically unbearable... Why, I can almost feel myself there again..."
Right before he goes into another one of his PTSD flashbacks, he is interrupted by himself, as he nearly forgets who he was talking to.
"Oh! Heh... Sorry about that..." Seymour nervously grins, scratching the back of his head. The unknown character smiles in response.
"Now, let's go in, shall we?" Principal Skinner says, looking down at his associate, who holds Skinner's hand as the two begin to enter.
The kids are still acting up, that is, until they begin to hear the wiggling of the doorknob. They immediately stop in their tracks and gasp.
"Someone's coming!" One student exclaims. Another one gets a closer look at the window and spots Skinner "It's Skinner!" They warn.
Swiftly, the students take their seats as if nothing happened, except Bart, who was still piggybacking over Milhouse.
"Oh, man!" Bart gasps, losing his balance on Milhouse's shoulders. Milhouse tried to support Bart, but before he knew it, he was too losing his balance, and the two boys topple over onto the ground.
"Oof!" Bart says, hitting the floor. Milhouse moans in pain, lying on the floor practically lifeless. Thinking quickly, Bart dropped the paint can on the floor and rushed to his seat. However, when he set the can down, it began to roll towards Milhouse's sprawled out hand.
That's about when Principal Skinner had opened the door and entered the art room, the other person stayed outside.
"Hello, children!" Skinner greets.
"Hi, Principal Skinner." They all carelessly reply in unison.
"Kids, I have an incredible surprise for you all." Skinner announces. This gets the kids excited.
"Cool!" Richard says "Is school getting canceled?"
"No." Skinner replies
"Is homework canceled?" Sherri and Terri ask simultaneously
"No." Skinner repeats
"Mmya! Are we replacing the teachers with robots?" Database inquires in his strange, computery tone of voice. Skinner nods his head no.
"Will we be receiving extra homework? Fingers crossed!" Martin excitedly asks. It doesn't take Nelson too long to punch him in the gut "Don't give him any ideas, Poindexter!" He growls.
"Are you getting fired?" Bart asks. The whole class bursts into laughter at quip, while Skinner merely rolls his eyes in annoyance.
"Hmph... No I am not Bart..." Seymour mumbles, glaring at the student "I won't be leaving for a long time..."
"Alright. Just try not to die in the process. What are you, like, 80? Or am I being too generous?" Bart smirks. The class' laughs only heighten in volume. Skinner tries his best not to lose it, clenching both his teeth and his fists. He growls under his breath.
"Grrr... Simpson..." The principal murmurs. He sighs and tries his best to regain his composure "Well... Now that you kids are done guessing, I think it's about time I tell you all the surprise."
Each student moves forward in their seat, grinning with anticipation. I mean, what could be better than no school, no homework, or robot teachers?
Skinner clasps his hands together, smiling as he did so.
"Students... We've hired a new art teacher!"
Aaaand the excitement's gone. The students' beaming faces quickly become straight, uninterested faces. Talk about anticlimactic...
"Kids, I'd like you to meet your new art instructor, Ms. Tindol." Skinner announces, as the mysterious character emerges from the shadows and reveals herself to the students.