Why is this happening again. Why does shit never go well.
Right now I'm hiding under a stone table. Looking to my right I see the corpse of the dude who had me kidnapped just minutes ago with a pretty mean cut in his head, besides him is the body of the draugr that killed him. Just another Thursda- uh, Turdas.
I don't know why this keeps repeating, but I think it's safe to blame the Thalmor, just as most shit in this country.
"Dir Vilaan!" And there come our undead friends, who are ready to make me the living definition of a human piñata. Jolly, fucking jolly. I don't move from my hiding spot, it would be pretty stupid if they catch me now after finally getting my human friend killed. Turns out that people don't defend themselves well without moving capabilities, so the draugr did quick work of him.
I can hear their steps and their breathing, why corpses have lungs is beyond me. I keep myself hidden, my breathing even and quiet. I can see their legs.
...The group of five draugrs finally goes away. Fucking hell, about time.
Once I'm certain enough that they won't come back ready to cut my head off, I get out of the table. I stand up and stretch. I need to avoid hiding in such shitty places next time, it fucks my back really bad. What now? Oh right, looting.
I crouch and start looting the corpse of my kidnapper. What an asshole he was, wanted me to open one of those nordic doors without a dragon claw. This is the last time I try to pass myself up as a draugr expert for a scam. One would think that after six times I'd learn the lesson.
After getting five pieces of gold from his corpse (Doesn't even cover a night in an inn.) I decide to just get away from here. New rule, no stepping inside nordic burial grounds. They give me the creeps.
I make my way back to the entrance, numerous draugr corpses are laying around to the sides. Normally I'd go and loot them thoroughly, but seeing as I already have five angry ones back there I decide against it. Once I find the entrance I exit the crypt.
Cold air hits me. Fuck, why did they have to kidnap me while I didn't have a cloak, I mean, why would I? I was in fucking Markarth when I got abducted and now I'm in Winterhold. If this shit keeps up I'll freeze to death. Would be a shitty ending after all the bullshit I had to go through.
At least I have the kidnapper's horse waiting for him. Tee hee, time for him to serve a new master. While climbing up the horse I idly remember that Mr. Kidnapper had a cloak with him. Bah, whatever, no way I'm going back now. With my sweet soft ass now on top of the horse, I instruct him to start moving.
"Move up, buddy, we have a long trek now." In reality I don't have a plan, I'll probably just go make another half-assed scam and sleep on the streets. Again.
The horse starts going forward, I have no fucking idea in which direction is the nearest city, so I'll have to just wing it, again. For fuck's sake.
This trip promises to be long, and being bored without nothing to do gets me to think. And the shit I usually end up thinking is always the same. Well, that and stupid disco music.
How did shit get so irredeemably fucked? What the fuck even happened? There's no fucking reason for me to even be here in the first place!
I was finishing my last year of high school, and I was doing pretty good. I had a nice family and overall, I had a somewhat clear direction with my life.
And then I wake up one day in the middle of a forest, wearing nothing but my pajamas. Imagine my fucking reaction. Once I calmed myself down after an hour straight of freaking out I forced myself to get out of that forest. And oh joy oh fucking joy I was nowhere near my home.
Yeah, if you haven't figured it out already (In which case, please stop being drunk.) I found myself in Skyrim.
Mother. Fucking. Skyrim.
Todd Howard you did it again.
I always loved that fucking game, it was the only thing that my toaster PC could feasibly run and I spent so many fucking hours dicking around and creating characters. But I never loved it enough to want this shit! Please Todd I'll do anything just take me back!
I've been stranded here for the last six months, and, want to know my opinion? It's fucking shit. What the fuck were you expecting? The middle ages are hilarious to look back to because they are so ridiculously miserable, but now that I'm in them I only wonder if this is a fucked up karmic reaction or something.
This is where I reveal my intentions of 'going back home', only to back out at the end because of 'muh friendz' or to 'save da world' by being the Dovahkiin, with the whole world revolving around my penis. Honestly? I just want to fucking live. Boohoo, how boring. But can you blame me?
Adventure is the last word you could've related with me. Laziness and Doing Fuck All is something more in line with me. Sadly, this world doesn't exactly reward laziness and doing fuck all. The horror.
I still remember clearly my first attempt at getting some pieces of gold, I had arrived to a town after almost an entire day walking. It was Riverwood, oh the irony. There was no way I was going to even attempt going into a dungeon for cash, I would've been fucking obliterated from the get go, so I decided to instead try an alternative method of gaining profit.
Scam. I tried to scam people. Please take an educated guess at how that shit went.
Now, before you people go and call me out for saying that I'm going against my word of doing fuck all, please listen. I had three choices at the moment, it was either:
A) Go into a Dungeon for cash. Probably end up dead. Self-explanatory as to why I didn't choose it.
B) Straight up steal. Probably end up skewered by guards. See above.
C) Do honest hard work by being a farmer or working at a shop or something. This one is much better because I don't end up dying, however, that would mean that I'd get fucking rooted in one single place while being at the beck and order of some asshole. And some asshole telling me what to do isn't my definition of doing fuck all. Yes, very edgy, I know.
In hindsight not choosing option C was a pretty fucking stupid decision, I wholeheartedly regret it, but seeing as bad decisions have already been made and there's already some bounties for my head, it's a moot point.
This led to a fourth option, D.
D) Become a con artist. Yup, pretty stupid. How I made the jumps in logic to arrive there is fucking beyond me. If I could go and meet myself from the past I'd beat the shit out of him. He fucking deserves it anyways.
And so, poor little me tried to pull a hoax with some bottles and card tricks. Hope you made that educated guess earlier.
The day after, I woke up with a black eye, naked in an alleyway and completely and utterly lost. Three hours I spent laying down on my own shit and misery before attempting to get up and later begging for clothes. It was a pretty sad fucking show. Don't worry, there are worse stories, but those are for later, there's only enough misery I can recall in one sitting.
After that it was an Odyssey of going from town to town and trying to pull the wool over people's eyes. The fact that I was completely inexperienced in surviving in the wild or in dealing with people didn't fucking help. Still, as months passed I eventually learned all of those skills and more. I even managed to get my first kill one day! Although, again, that's a story for another time.
There were many things I thought about in those six months, mainly three fucking things.
1.- How the fuck did I get here?
2.- Why the fuck am I here?
3.- How fucking deep are we in the story?
I've already given up in answering questions one and two. It probably is just for a God to have shits and giggles at my expense, in which case, hardy fucking har. I'm blaming Sheogorath anyways. The third question is the one that actually matters right now.
After asking around I found out that the dragons still don't come fuck shit up. While I hoped that I was in a completely different timeline or that it would be many years before the main story , the fact that the Stormcloaks and Imperials are in Civil War crushed those hopes. Which means that it won't be long enough until the dragons come and, with them, the Dragonborn.
The moment, the fucking moment shit starts, I'll do as much as I can to avoid it, which, to be honest, shouldn't be hard. There's plenty of NPCs in Skyrim and even more here, because turns out that real towns aren't composed of six houses. So, best case scenario? I set myself down on a shop or something and just live as peacefully as one can in a world with motherfucking dragons flying around.
Yeah, that'd be good, just a little old shop in a corner selling, uh, bread or something, I dunno. I just want some fucking peace. That's why I fucking hate past me. Past me is dumb and stupid, and a moron and also a giant asshole, wait, I'm still all of those things.
Whatever, seeing as what just happened minutes ago you can guess that my plans for settling down have gone terribly. Last scam was supposed to be simple, get some bottles with some liquid (Don't fucking know what was in there.) and pretend I'm a Draugr Expert™ and convince everyone that drinking that vile shit will make you somehow live longer. Don't ask, I stopped questioning my own methods long ago.
Unsurprisingly, people didn't buy it, at that point I really wasn't that bothered by the disbelief. Six months of publicly lying does wonders for your confidence, it makes it go from zero to still zero, but this time you get so used to people thinking you're a fucking idiot that it doesn't matter. Woohoo.
The fact that no one believed me didn't stop a big boy treasure hunter with big dreams to tie me up and force me to 'go on an adventure' into a fucking draugr hall. This was the sixth time someone kidnaps me because they got way too into my lie. The fucking dude was talking about how he's going to be rich and great and what not, I just nodded along his shit dreams while searching for a chance to kill him. I had to wait until we reached our destination to get him killed.
And now we're here, riding at the top of A Horse With No Name (It felt good to be out of the rain~) going somewhere I don't fucking know. How I wish I had my phone stuffed with music here, if I miss anything from my world, besides not being in the fucking middle ages and my family, would be my phone stuffed to the brim with music.
All I can really do is sing the songs, which is a pretty fucking weak reminder of my old world, but I use what I get.
"...Fuck, I really should've gotten that cloak. I'll write it down for next time." The cold wind whooshes around me as I weakly sing to ease the boredom.
Eventually I found an inn that was in the middle of nowhere. They are more common that what you'd think. There's no one inside besides a redheaded Innkeeper and me. Thank god for no people now, would be troublesome if someone recognized me.
"A room would be 50 gold." Oh fuck.
"Uh, can you give me a second? I have so much gold that I sometimes forget where I put it." Nice one, shame that Ms. Innkeeper doesn't look a bit convinced. I hurriedly check my pockets for any change, wasn't expecting it to be so expensive.
While I'm trying to get gold so as to not sleep outside the Innkeeper starts to get a bit suspicious. "You seem a bit familiar, have you come here before?" Shit, don't tell me the guards have already started handing out those papers.
I raise my gaze. "Nah, first time I'm here, went here traveling with a friend, but the poor fool managed to get himself killed." I need to give myself a believable backstory the moment I get the chance. A rock hard story makes it easier to go around without people questioning me.
"Oh, I'm sorry for your loss." I'm sorry that I didn't get to bash the head of my kidnapper myself, I really wanted to let some anger out. Fuck, there's no more gold in my pockets. Time for plan B.
I look at her with my most miserable face, which can be argued that it's the one I always have. "H-Haha, uh, I kind of used all of my gold in a proper burial for my friend, could you please accept 20 gold? I promise I'll pay the rest tomorrow." I'll admit this isn't my best one, but give me a fucking break, I just escaped a kidnapping, I'm fucking done.
I must've looked really shitty because her face softens. "Don't worry, just 20 gold will suffice." Complete success, I wasn't even thinking about paying the rest, so it works out. After getting the key to my room and saying the good nights I head to rest.
The room itself is pretty okay for an inn in the middle of the road. After undressing myself of my Draugr Expert™ outfit (Which consists of a shitty gray robe with some fake books and a fake beard.) and my trusty belt, I throw myself onto the bed, they aren't as comfortable as the ones in my old world, but I already got used to them, so it doesn't matter.
Hopefully I'll be able to get out of here without being chased by guards for once, those damn papers shouldn't be arriving until a week later. Yeah, maybe I can get some proper rest for once.
Yeah, proper rest. With those nice thoughts I close my eyes and let sleep take me.
Of course I couldn't get proper rest.
There's hard knocking on my door. Ugh, not again. I quickly put my Draugr Expert™ outfit on (Without the beard, it already outlived it's purpose.) and open the door with all the nonchalance I can muster. There's a bulky looking guard with his KKK looking helmet, he's wearing the customary Stormcloak armor. He even has his sword drawn and pointed at me. How rude
"Francis the Fraud!" I'm not sure when they started calling me that. "You have committed crimes against Skyrim and her people." I used to struggle containing my laughter at that one line. Then I got used to it. "Your crimes are as listed: thievery, bribing, swindling, resisting arrest and murder." Yeah, I was kind of busy those six months, tee hee. "Pay the court a fine or serve your sentence!" Man, I really didn't want to go to jail today.
"Alright Mr. Guard, let me just put on my belt here." I grab my belt and put it around my waist, once secured I pull out a shitty looking iron dagger from one of it's many pockets and throw it against the guard's chest. Thankfully it seems like he wasn't briefed on my dirty tactics and falls to the floor paralyzed. Okay, I can work with this.
"Aah!" That was Ms. Innkeeper, hopefully she doesn't go all fucking honor warrior so I don't have to kill her. I quickly grab the guard's sword and step over him. Once outside my room I see the Innkeeper crouching behind the counter. Good, no fighting, I suck at those. I give Ms. Innkeeper a thumbs up and then get the fuck out of there.
Once outside I notice that the horse left without me. Fuck me sideways, do I really have to walk? Ugh, no complaining now, there should be more guards coming here. I start running along the road all the while the cold wind gives me a proverbial middle finger.
I suck at fights, I really do, the only reason why I haven't been caught yet is because I exploited one thing from Skyrim, I really hated this aspect in the original game but right now it's the most useful one for me and it's incredibly fucking broken.
"Francis the Fraud! Stop where you are! Resistance is futile!" Fucking hell, the gang arrived, no more time for bullshit. I hear air being cut and an arrow lands frighteningly close to me. Shit shit shit. I hurriedly pull a random bottle from my belt, shit, hope this is the right one. I open the bottle and gulp it in one go. Tastes like shit.
Soon enough I turn invisible. "W-Where is he?! Look for him! He's avoided us long enough!" Why do I even wish for nice sleep? My prominent eyebags should already be tell enough that I'll never get one. I continue running along the road while invisible.
I haven't said my name yet, right? Well, these cunts already said it so any kind of dramatic reveal has already been fucked. Whatever, I'll go through with it.
The name's Francisco Guerrero, better known as Francis the Fraud, famous for swindles and murders. I hope we get along.
...I'm starting to talk alone now, I'm seriously losing it.
AN: Boredom won me and I ended up writing a fic with an OC that already is in another ongoing story of mine. Hopefully you liked Francis as a character. If you're here from my other story, then I hope that you feel that he's the same person as there.
This story is also heavily inspired by 'Grin the Cheat' if the title doesn't make it clear enough. Still, more than the name and some fighting strategies this will be pretty different.
Right now I have two directions for this story. It's either various self-contained stories with the underlying Skyrim Story lurking around, or just one story that follows a set plotline. I'm most inclined to the various stories format, but I'd appreciate it if you told me your opinion on the matter. Reviews are highly appreciated.
Thanks for reading.