Stay Awake

Chapter 1: Nightmare/Dreamscape

AN: Warnings for themes and incest. Imagine Tomoko is 17 and Tomoki 16. Imagine a slightly more mature Tomoko. I made this intentionally cringe-y. I haven't tried writing romance, but here's an attempt – a rather twisted, surreal one. (I'll also think of a better summary soon...)

"The love that we will never make together, is the most beautiful,
the most violent, the most pure, the most heady..."
- Lemon Incest, Serge Gainsbourg

Tomoko sits in her classroom alone, headphones blaring heavy metal to drown out the sounds of cheers and applause from the school field below. There was a soccer championship game her younger brother was in, but there was no way she could watch without being disappointed. She knows she shouldn't feel this way, she should be watching and supporting her school, and her brother playing. But it hurt, it was choking her, and she wants to run home again.

Downstairs, everyone would be cheering for him. He would smile for them, they would all take pictures with him and he'll celebrate with his team. Now, she had to turn the volume up to max, the sounds of shouts and applause exploded, it meant their school won. She knows Tomoki will be off with his friends until night. He'll go home to the congratulations of their parents, mother and father telling him they are proud of him...

Her ears hurt from the music. Swallowing down her exaggerated fear, she walked to the window to see what was going on down the field, outside. The team was already grouped together for a picture, Tomoki in the middle and holding the faux gold trophy for them winning the championship. By then, all her irrational envy disappeared as she saw that her brother was smiling, a genuine one. Tomoki rarely ever smiled, he frowned and sneered most of the time. He usually scowled and looked irritated, when he talks to her. Now, though, the grin made him look pleased. He looked different.

Somehow, Tomoko feels proud of her brother. Long ago, he used to smile at her that way too, when he was a clingy little brother who didn't want to be separated from his sister. It seemed that it had been so long since he smiled for her and her alone. But now, she can't help but smile too, because Tomoki won and he was happy. Then, he happened to look at her direction. Their eyes met. They smiled at each other for a moment. It was her way of recognizing, congratulating him. Smiling feels pleasant.

(Or did he really smile at her? Was he smiling at the sky, at everyone? That far away, maybe he can't see her at all. But since she can see him from here, that means he can also see her. But she still knows for the rest of the day she will be nothing. Tomoki was better at this high school popularity game than her. He was already up that ladder of popularity Tomoko can never reach, only hope for – and she has ceased hoping for.)

No class for the rest of the day, it was all for school games she won't watch. She hopes that no teacher or classmate will find her here, in their classroom where she was alone as everyone else was having fun watching. She'll read a book and wait until 5, to go home alone. She knows for the whole afternoon, Tomoki will have no shortage of people happy for him and their team. He would not think of her.

#

They have been going to the same high school for two years now. Tomoko observed that even her classmates talk about her younger brother, now known as that cool soccer player. She had spied on several of his girl classmates giving him various gifts, girls wanting to confess their affections to a guy who appeared not to care. Tomoko feels good that her brother doesn't actually care about them. But if he did, she thinks she might just die of envy. If her brother first gets in a relationship earlier than her, she might as well have a heart attack. If her brother brings a girl home, or if ever she learns her brother wasn't a virgin anymore, she might as well kill him.

She had thought that being the big sister of a popular boy would make her known, and they would admire her and get jealous that she's close to a well-liked person. She had imagined that they would be known as the 'cool siblings' in school. Instead, to her frustration, people didn't notice. Haven't you all noticed that we have the same surname? That we have the same damn name save for one letter? That we have the same eye baggage from lack of sleep? I know a lot about him, since he was born, and he's not that great as you all think.

Though, until now, her quest for being popular just failed. She stopped caring about it, but of course it still nags in her mind. They don't talk here in school, even if they pass by each other and pretend not to know each other. Tomoki had his friends and fangirls. Tomoko was alone, always, but it was at least better than before. In time, Kotomi was now a tolerable frenemy. Nemoto, the unremarkable classmate, was kind. There was still Yuu-chan.

Two years ago, Tomoki had planned to go to another school but didn't due to Tomoko's fault – she forgot to mail the application. Tomoki got pissed at her and gave her the silent treatment for weeks. Until now, Tomoki had imposed an agreement between them, it was a cold one – Don't ever talk to me when we're in school. What an arrogant bastard, so full of himself. She also knows she also deserves it for being an asshole to him. But, even for her, that was rather cruel. Is he so ashamed to be associated with her? Well, damn him. As if she would waste her time seeking him out in school anyway. She can still annoy him all she wants at home.

Nothing changed. They still tolerated each other with mutual enmity.

#

Even if how much she reads about sex and inducing erotic dreams, Tomoko can never do it herself. She tried lucid dreaming, but it always ended up failing. Strange things come up like bugs, animals, or too-far-out imaginary creatures. She's familiar with arousal, sure, she's felt that trembling dampness when she listens to moans from erotic CDs and she's felt excitement when watching animated copulation in games and videos... but the excitement is never fulfilled. But she tries, to do it to herself, sometimes. In some nights, she'll be gripped by a strong feeling of loneliness headier than any fantasy. She'll clench her fists against the bed sheets, tears sudden on her pillows, that she was so alone while others had lovers. Even fictional characters that start as hopeless at the beginning had people who loved them in the end.

Sometimes, in odd hours of early morning, the few fantasies that sated her were about people she knows. She'll never admit it to anybody, or to herself, even. What if... Yuu-chan, undressing, showing off her soft, generous breasts, moaning Mokochi and letting Tomoko have all the control. In her imagination, Tomoko feels so strong, what she imagines what a guy might feel about taking a girl as beautiful as her best friend. Tomoko sees: smooth white skin, a slim waist, a soft sex wet and eager for her caressing kisses.

Or sometimes, the cute senior named Megumi. Not a shy one, this girl, and this time it is Tomoko on her knees and giving in. Being the student council president, she might have done explicit favors for teachers and other students, right? One side of Tomoko thinks that it must be a dirty thing to think of about her, but maybe the girl had feelings for her, maybe...

Or even... her brother. Tall, lean, with that cold, cruel expression many girls found attractive. She tries to remember the sensations of all the times her brother touched her. That grip he uses to hurt her, what if it grasped other, more intimate places? He's kicked her. What if those strong legs were put to good use, her brother would have the endurance to go on all night long, whispering nee-chan and just going on harder faster and Tomoko breathless and wanting more, they would do it silently and very fast in the middle of night preferably because they wouldn't want to get caught.

And in that last fantasy, she comes, silent thunder flashing white beneath closed eyes and thinks, god, it's been too long since I got off this way.

But then, she forces herself out of these thoughts. As she drowns in sleep and sailed to the land of dreams, she thought that it was only imagination, which never hurt anyone. As if it will really happen in Real Life anyway. It's only because she wants to fall into sleep. It will not affect reality as long as she knows to not let the delusions control her, to always draw a clear line between fact and fancy.

(Or so she thinks.)

#

Tomoki went home that night at 11. His father isn't home, his mother sleeps early. He knows that only one other person is awake now... Tomoko, staying up late online again, since the light to her room was on. It has been a terrible day. They won a game, and he only wanted to go home and rest, but people kept bothering him. They wanted to talk to him, to ask him questions, and his cheeks now hurt from smiling for all the people who asked to take a picture with them. Normally, he'd feel at ease with his friends, but now he felt so drained and numb. He didn't like it at all but kept it inside.

What was his sister up to? He didn't see her most of the day, but when the game ended he saw her on some building's window, smiling at him. In that brief glimpse, Tomoki saw an expression he doesn't see all the time on his sister. It seemed as if she was glad for him, that they won...

He went to his room and lay in bed, thought of nothing, staring at his dreary ceiling, just waiting for sleep to drown him. If he's lucky, he'll get more than three hours of sleep. Lately, though, it's been less. A sleep-deprived mind is a sedated state, and it's been like he has been a walking zombie for days. He began to think of this insomnia as a person. Mister Insomnia is a new buddy of mine, he only comes late at night and we chat until 2 AM.

Thank fortune that they won, because tomorrow the players can be excused from class to rest. And so he and a new imaginary friend, Insomnia, kept silent for awhile. He'd go away soon, and leave him to sleep. Sometimes, he'd like to sleep forever.

Then, he remembered all the food their class gave him – ice cream sundae and strawberry chocolate cheesecake. Since he'd hate it to spoil, and he's pretty sure his sister is awake anyway, he decided to get up and invite her to eat. She likes midnight snacks, and sometimes when she wakes him up to accompany her to the bathroom they end up eating anything from the fridge. They both suffer from lack of sleep.

Tomoki opened the door to her room, and the light from the hallway outside cast a bright light to her darkened room. He caught her near sleep and half naked on her bed, a hand inside her underwear. When she saw him, she jolted in surprise and covered herself.

Well, Tomoki didn't want to see his older sister... get in touch with her inner self. At least he didn't see her in the throes of whatever it was she was doing, that would've made it worse. He pretended he didn't see it, he didn't want to make a big deal of it, and simply spoke. "There's ice-cream sundae downstairs. And cake. It won't taste good if you'll wait for tomorrow," he said, and left to go downstairs.

#

On Tomoko's part, however, she thought that it might be cosmic coincidence that made the very object of her thoughts that moment appear at her door. Of all things, she forgot to lock her door, and Tomoki didn't even bother to knock. He saw her in a rather embarrassing position, and announced that there was ice cream downstairs. If he was surprised at seeing her that way, he didn't show it. It was three in the morning, and she looked at the mirror. Some part of her, wondered if she had looked quite desirable when he saw her. Didn't some people like watching other people do it to themselves?

She looked at the mirror, then realized she looked so ugly. Her hair was in disarray, dried saliva crusted around her lips, her face looked pale and shapeless, eyebags making her look older than her seventeen years. She was only wearing her plain supermarket underwear and a loose black shirt that almost reached her knees with some rock band's logo, skeletons riding on flaming motorcycles. She didn't bother to wear more. Being caught like that shouldn't be a big deal anyway. It was only her brother, who was already used to her.

Who couldn't resist ice cream? So she went down to the kitchen, where Tomoki was taking the cake box and the plastic cups with ice cream from the fridge – vanilla drizzled in caramel syrup, chocolate chips, and candy sprinkles. She got plates and cutlery, and they both sat on the dining table, they began to eat. Tomoko ate almost all of the pink, strawberry-flavored cake. Tomoki only ate the ice cream and watched her eat. Tomoko whispered thanks to him after they were done with eating, and in silence they retreated to their own rooms to sleep.

#

February came. She didn't realize it until she saw red cut-out hearts everywhere, stores selling stuffed toys and candy packaged with Valentine greetings. Shit, another holiday that capitalists will exploit, only used by companies to sell their products and making us all materialists and wanting more money to buy things. Love hotels would be full with sluts fucking their boyfriends they'll leave for another anyway, she thought as she walked past some bulletin board in the hallway decorated with moe cupids holding cardboard bows and arrows poised to pierce paper hearts.

After the last class, there was another homeroom meeting, where she usually keeps quiet in her seat. Their smiling class president, some girl wearing glasses, was slightly clapping her hands in this trying-to-be-cute way.

"Classmates! I'm happy to announce that our first prom will be two weeks from now, on Friday night! Boys and girls are free to bring their own dates, or ask someone out in the classroom!" She announced, and the girls squealed in excitement while most of the boys grumbled and sighed.

In her seat, Tomoko was shaking. No way I'm attending that shit. I'll play sick. But then, as her classmates began to talk about plans, dates, dresses, and after-parties, she drifted off in her own world. She imagines the most beautiful version of herself, whose entrance makes everyone gape. The suited guys and gowned girls would look at her in awe and think, "Why haven't we seen that girl before?" Boys dressed like gentlemen would line up for a chance to dance with her. They would kneel and...

"Hell, why don't you invite Tomoki Kuroki-kun?" whispered one of her slut seatmates to another chick.

"Hey, that's corrupting minors!" said another, and they all giggled, and Tomoko had a sudden urge to throw her table at them. It was her damn brother again... Then the pencil she was holding was trembling from the grasp of her sweaty, shaking hands until her clenched fist broke it in two, and the girls heard it snap and they stopped laughing and looked at her.

"You alright, Kuroki-san?"

Then they looked at each other. Then Tomoko answered, trying to hide her hate, "I-I'm f-fine."

The girl looked like an imaginary light bulb lit up in her mind. "Wait, Kuroki-san, can I ask a question? Do you happen to be related to Kuroki-kun the soccer player from the second year?"

"H-He's my brother, actually," she managed to stammer an answer even if she only wanted to stab her pencil into this girl's eye. Her anger and nervousness were mixing, making her dizzy, she might have to puke in the toilet again later.

"Oh well, then we can ask you to ask him if he's available for a date! Is he single or not?" the girl asked playfully. Well, at least she was in a normal conversation with a group of girls now, but the subject happens to be not her.

"I'm not sure." That was her first straight answer without stuttering.

"Well then, tell us if he says yes!"

"I-I g-guess so..." she said, and the group's attention on her disappeared as they got engaged in another topic, about their hairstyles and make-up. Fucking bitches. Tomoko didn't imagine herself as a prom queen vixen anymore, she dreamed of burning her school with telekenesis ala Carrie.

Then, while going out of her classroom to leave for home, she saw her brother walking off alone. He might have noticed her, but he doesn't like her anyway. So she went to the mall for the afternoon, careful to avoid places her classmates might go to after class. She wandered around stores selling gowns... and on display, on a tiny mannequin for a kid girl's dress, she fell in love at first sight at the dress she saw.

It was green, made of cloth the color of emeralds and aquamarine. The upper part was silk, velvet sleeves off the shoulders and the smooth curve on the chest highlighting the hollow of the doll mannequin's collar bone. The skirt reached the floor, and it was embroidered and painted with a dense foliage design which reminds her of dark forests: vines curling and curving, growing with chartreuse-colored paisley leaves and milk-green budding roses, imaginary plants that seem alive, glittering beads and sequins against dark green silk.

It would look great with her green eyes. She looked at the tag prize, and took a picture of it on her phone before she went home.

#

That night, she dreamed. She entered a ball, in a wide open space in the middle of a forest of beautiful nightmares. Masked waiters carrying trays of food and wine nod and bow at her, and a tuxedoed host came out of nowhere and held her by the arm as if he was an old friend, leading her to the seeming endless dance floor with countless couples dipping and dancing to strange music. Up on the sky was a full moon so big and bright, like it was there for the sake of lighting up this party.

"I have to say, dear lady, that you look fabulous, and the green dress goes very well with your pretty eyes," the man said, and Tomoko looked down and saw that she was wearing that dress. Except that the designs were moving, plants shivering in a cold night wind, the flowers blooming full on the cloth as she moved, beaded dew glittering on dense dark embroidered leaves. Real vines were braceleting her arms, slithering smooth stems of leaves and tiny, dark red roses.

"Thank you," she replied, and her voice was smooth and elegant, like she was speaking through another mouth. They passed by marble fountains overflowing with drinks: one bubbling with sparkling champagne, another with blood-red wine, some spewing foaming golden beer or amber-colored rum. Small and drunken gargoyle-faced imps dance and fall around with their tiny glasses filled with drink. The host led her to a special seat, a bonsai tree-chair growing out of the ground itself and shaped like a throne. She sat, and seat of the chair adjusted itself to make her more comfortable. A similar chair was next to her, but empty of an occupant. From here, she can watch the dance. The masked couples bow and smile at her as they pass, the pairs moving around in a circle.

Here, she watches closer, at the dancing women. One was a pale girl in a white lace dress, and Tomoko looked closer and realized it was made of the most delicate spiderwebs silken against her skin, upon her white pearl-shine blonde hair were crawling silver tarantulas for ornaments, and a quartz crescent on her forehead. She disappeared among the swirling couples. Another woman had four arms and blue skin of some Hindu divinity. Her red eye-shadow and lipstick was bright against her skin color, and Tomoko realized it was fresh blood. She wore nothing except a short skirt made of leathered human skin, and a brassiere made of dismembered human hands designed to cup and cover her breasts. Tomoko had entered faerie party, but it was the women who stood out, all the men were masked and wore identical suits.

Then, the crowd in front of her began to part, and a tall masked man was walking through the path between them to her. He was wearing a black suit, and a mask made of oak leaves covering his eyes and caressing his cheeks.. The mask had two wooden branches that seem like two horns upon the young man's forehead. The mask's eye slits showed narrow eyes the color of dark green pine. His hair was black, like hers. She can see his wry, amused smile as he walked toward her. Then he bowed, knelt on one knee and offered his hand – a silent way of asking her to dance. She placed her hand on his.

She was carried to the dance floor, floating and in some miraculous way knowing the steps, with a skilful dancer carrying her along in a slow waltz.

Then, the music stopped.

The couples fell to the ground, clothes shucked off like snakes shedding skin, the men in fine suits were actually devils. Everyone drunken laughing and kissing, naked and writhing on the grass, and the party turned out to be a faerie orgy. She and her partner were the only ones standing, still in position before a tango. He led her down, and down the forest floor she fell, hypnotized by his eyes as she lay and spread her legs and opened her mouth... she took off the mask of her would-be lover for tonight, and saw the face of her brother smiling.

"What the goddamned fuck?!" She screamed, and woke up. She sat on her bed, covered her own face with her hands, feeling sort of ashamed. Now the dreams were even weirder. She guessed that her unconscious was making up strange images from her inappropriate thoughts about her brother. She told herself to stop thinking such sick shit.

She'll stop thinking sick shit.

#

The next school day, she decided to buy that gown with all her savings. She went to the store, and it fit just right. Even if she doesn't end up going to a silly school ceremony, at least she now owns a great dress. She tied her hair to a stylish bun, and liking what she saw in the mirror, she went down and showed it to her mom.

"That looks really nice!" her mom said, smiling at her while she was cooking in the kitchen.

"It's supposed to be for prom, but the problem is, I've got a gown but no one to go with me. Its next Friday. Does it really look nice?"

"You look fine! It's your first prom, it won't repeat again and you're only seventeen once. If you've got no date, that's no problem, I'll convince your brother to go with you."

"As if he'll agree." Tomoko sighed. She felt that it would only lead to nothing. She's already prepared an excuse, to act like she has a headache to prevent her from going. She's already pretty sure that her brother wouldn't agree to it anyway.

"I assure you he will."

to be continued

AN: Imagine that the green prom dress looks like Anna's during the coronation in the movie Frozen. To be continued...