It's Stefan, it's always Stefan...

Not anymore.

Life was different in Mystic Falls, people have changed, it was as if everyone knew what was happening to me, they were staring, always looking. My life had been perfect, a loving family, an amazing boyfriend, great friends. But life wasn't like that anymore, it was a life of fear, and not just for myself...

Things with Stefan had been amazing, I loved him with all my heart. And Damon, who used to be a threat, was with Rose, where he belonged...

Dear Diary,
I'm sick of being scared, my life has been torn apart for this mystical Klaus and I m still debating if he ever will come. I m not just scared for my own life, I'm scared for my friends... my family...
As for Stefan, he tries, he tries to be sympathetic, but it doesn t work. I need to be my own person and not bring him down with me... everything is my fault. He doesn't need me. I need to let him go...
I need some freedom before my epic death which has already been planned out. I need some fun. I need to have a new and different life. I need to feel alive again, not just scared-

Stefan came swiftly in through the window and interrupted my writing. "You scared me," I said, looking away from his magical face.

"I'm sorry Elena, just here to check up on you." I already knew that, he was always here just to check up on me. But the fact that he even said that as if I didn't already know angered me. I nodded and put my pen to my paper hoping he would leave.

"What's wrong Elena? I know you, I know something is wrong, what is it?" He asked, concerned, I felt bad, I didn't know why I was so mad at him, but my feelings had a mind of their own. A part of me wanted to just tell him to leave, while another part of me wanted to ask him to spend the night. But I did neither.

"I'm fine Stefan, I'm just really tired. I'll see you in the morning," I said, still angered by his presence.

He came over, kissed my forehead and said, "Goodnight Elena, I love you. See you in the morning." And then he was off...

After Stefan had disappeared, I started to flip through my diary and I had landed on one page, one page which was only known by me. I felt my heart start to race, but I wasn't sure why. This had been the dreaded page in my diary, the one which I never planned to revisit, one which should have been locked away forever...

Dear Diary,
It felt like a split second, like a band-aid being ripped off, but it didn't leave pain, it left a tingling sense of hope, joy, even security.
It was a crazy day but it was finally over and I was more than ready to sleep. I came out of the bathroom, half asleep, until I noticed Damon sitting there. I wanted him to leave, after all, I had just been kidnapped and almost killed. But Damon had brought me my vervain necklace. I reached out to grab it but he pulled his hand back, preventing me from reaching it. Then he spoke... the world went fuzzy and all I could hear were those four words, "I love you, Elena."
My head started to spin, my heart was beating fast as i leaned into him, my body automatically moving, leaning in. He kissed my forehead and as he pulled back, his eyes grew more intense and he shed a tear. From my eye dripped a tear as well. He swiftly placed the vervain necklace on my neck and was off, as if no one was even there.
Quick, like a bandaid, but filled with love. I wanted to say something, but my heart and my mind were in two seperate places. My heart lied with Damon and his confession, but my head monitored my heart, always lying with Stefan...

I had remembered... I knew. And now, my head could no longer control my heart, my heart was winning...

I sat up for the rest of the night trying to comprehend the incomprehensible, what were these feelings? How can I control them? I needed to know what these feelings were... But what about Stefan? And Damon, he's with Rose...

After debating myself for about two hours, I decided to call Damon and tell him to come over, without Stefan and Rose knowing. I could hear Rose in the background and that tingling sense of jealousy rose inside of me. What was wrong with me? Damon agreed and quickly came over, thinking something was wrong.

I was sitting on my bed, looking down at my feel hanging off the bed. My heart was beating thought my chest. I was about to come clean about what I had remembered about that night, thanks to the vervain tea.

Damon entered swiftly, looking around to see if I was in danger. Before he could say anything I stood and waked over to him, gazing into his beautiful blue eyes, my heart beating so fast, I was sure he could hear it. I stopped, shifting my eyes, trying not to seem nervous. But then he spoke. "Hi Elena."

My heart fluttered, i was completely thrown off. Before thinking, I screamed, "I know!" Damon's face turned from sweet to confused so I continued and told him everything, everything I had been regretting, dreading. As I finished explaining that night, I slowed my words, and he sat on my bed, looking disappointed, or confused. I didn't really want to know.

I sat on the bed with him and moved my hand to his chin while pushing his face to meet my eyes. "I love you, too." I said with a sense of self-realization. I did love Damon. All along I had loved Damon but pushed him away because I was too afraid.

I was amazed with the words which I spoke that I forgot to even look at him. But, when I did, I knew, I knew he had moved on, I had missed my chance... His eyes had locked into a dead stare into space. He looked as if he was in pain I couldn't bear to watch, so I looked away as he said exactly what I knew he would...

"I love you Elena, I really do, but, not in that way, not anymore. I can't, and you can't." He spoke as if someone had fed him those words, like a robot. "Goodnight Elena, sweet dreams." With that, he was off.

I just laid back on my bed, and cried myself to sleep. I was so confused, I had no clue what I wanted, but now it felt as though I wanted Damon, but what about Stefan? I was trapped, trapped in something unhealthy, with someone who made me worry, made me crazy, made me angry. I was going crazy, unsure of what would happen next. I drifted off to sleep.

It was the middle of the night, and I felt something, I knew someone was here, I could feel it. I slowly opened my eyes and looked around hoping that whoever was there wouldn't notice I was awake. And he didn't. It was Stefan. he looked at me and I quickly closed my eyes. He was reading something, it looked a lot like my diary... I pretended to sleep for another 5 minutes while he said nothing, just sitting there, reading my deep inner thoughts. I felt violated.

I finally woke up, pretending that I didn't know what was going on. "Hello Elena," Stefan said in a harsh voice, one which has never been directed at me before.

I looked at him shocked, "What are you reading Stefan?" i knew exactly what he was reading. I started to feel bad, he wasn't supposed to be reading that, it wasn't for him.

"Well, Damon told me to come over here and check on you. He said you called him last night, he wouldn't tell me or Rose what it was about, but now I know. Elena, why would you hide this from me. I deserve to know your feelings, after all I am the oen always protecting you." He looked furious, so angry he couldn't even look at me, and I couldn't look at him. I was in physical and mental pain.

"I don't know." That was all I could say. My eyes grew heavy, I could feel the tears welling up inside. I didn't know what to do. I saw Stefan get up and walk away about to leave. "Wait Stefan." I got up and walked toward him, his back still facing me. "I love you Stefan."

"No you don't. You don't know Elena. You're confused. I get it." He said, his voice cracking, no longer as harsh, I knew he loved me, and I loved him... or did I?

"Stefan, wait, I love you, but I love him too. But I'm not supposed to love him. You are the right choice for me, but sometimes, my heart feels differently." I was surprised at what I was saying. My heart was speaking without my head being able to stop it.

"Elena, I get it. We're over. Figure out what you need to figure out, then we can talk." His voice went harsh again, cracking as he said those two words that could end us forever. And he left, just as swiftly as he came who knew if that would be the last time we would be together.

As soon as he left, I felt empty. Everything inside of me had just shut down. My life as I knew it was over. Now both people that I loved, couldn't stand the sight of me. All I could do was sit and stare into the black hole which had become my life.