Unmarried…with Children

By Joe

Summary: The Bundy family learns that Kelly is pregnant.

Author Notes: I do not own Married…with Children, its characters, or any other copyrighted material. I wrote this solely for entertainment purposes and not to make a profit.

Chapter 1

One Friday evening, forty-one-year-old Al Bundy entered his house at 9764 Jeopardy Lane in Chicago, Illinois. He felt very tired after a long week of stuffing fat women's feet into shoes that were obviously too small for them. What was worse was that since Al made very little money, he didn't have any money for food – especially since his wife, Peggy, spent it all on frivolous things for herself. Al was quite a bit irritated that he was the only one in his family working his butt off just to make ends meet and that everyone else mooched off him and spent money he didn't have. Al wanted nothing more to relax this weekend, but he knew that would never happen. More than likely, Peggy would insist that they have sex. Sure, it would only last a minute and a half – three, maybe, but it was just so hard for Al to endure it that no matter how short and pathetic the sex was, the memories and stress of it would haunt Al the rest of his time off.

After Al hung his beige jacket on the coat hanger, he loosened his striped red and blue necktie and walked to the refrigerator in the kitchen and opened it. He didn't find any beer, though he wasn't surprised. He trudged back to the family room and collapsed in the smelly, dusty old yellow and orange sofa. Al then slowly put his right hand inside his dark brown pants and then picked up the remote control with his other hand and turned on the TV – the one thing that perhaps kept Al from committing suicide. Al clicked through the various channels that were available on the cable he stole from Marcy Rhoades, his chicken-legged neighbor. Al finally settled on a rerun of Psycho Dad and remained motionless for the next thirty minutes until the show ended.

It was then that his true misery began. "Oh Aaaaaalll…" called a voice from upstairs. Al groaned at the voice. "Are you home yet?" Upon hearing the question, it seemed that Peggy wasn't sure whether or not Al was home. Al was hopeful for the first time in a long time. Maybe he could leave the house and hang out at the nudie bar. Unfortunately, he was too late. Peggy, the tall, red-haired monster, came down the stairs and found Al on the sofa. "There you are!" Peggy said. "It's Friday night, and you know what that means."

"Sure death and torture await me?" Al asked with an annoyed expression.

"I want sex, Al," Peggy said flatly.

"Well, I want a hot wife, but we can't get everything we want, now, can we, Peg?" Al asked.

"Oh, I know all about that," Peggy said. "I can't even go five feet into the bathroom without stepping in your urine because you can't aim right."

Al was just about to make a smart comeback to Peggy's statement, when suddenly, the Bundys' blonde-haired seventeen-year-old daughter, Kelly, came in through the front door. She looked surprised to see her parents downstairs and actually looked a little guilty. Of course, that was the norm for Kelly, but for some reason, she looked more guilty and worried than usual.

Kelly coughed and said, "H-hi, M-mom. Hi, D-daddy."

"Kelly, what are you doing coming home this late?" Al asked. "School lets out at 3:30. That means you've been out an extra three and a half hours."

Kelly's face turned red, and she didn't say anything for a second. "I w-was l-looking for a job, Daddy."

Al then burst into laughter and then said, "Nice try, you'll have to do better than that!"

Kelly didn't know what to say. She simply couldn't tell her parents where she had been. They would never like what she would have to tell them. Fortunately, the Bundys' son, Bud, came in and distracted Al from interrogating Kelly.

"Bud, where've you been?" Al asked.

Bud looked a little embarrassed as well but then cleared his throat and said, "I h-had a hot date."

Al laughed and laughed once again. "You kids. Making up stories like that," he said.

"Aaall…" Peggy whined, changing the subject. "I want sex!"

"Oh, Peg, I don't wanna!" Al started. Unfortunately, it was too late for him. Peggy laughed giddily as she grabbed him by the arm and led him upstairs to what would surely be worse than an eternity in Hell. Al screamed and tried to keep from going upstairs by holding onto the banister, but Peggy was too strong for him. Several loud screams and evil laughter could be heard in Al and Peggy's bedroom when the door shut. Although this kind of activity would be horrifying to most people, Bud and Kelly took no notice. This was typical behavior on Friday nights.

Kelly looked a little relieved when Al and Peggy were gone, and Bud and she just looked at each other. "Where were you anyway, you little horndog?" Kelly asked.

"Um…like I said, I had a hot date," Bud said nervously. As he took off his coat, though, a name tag fell out, and Kelly grabbed it before Bud could and tried with the best of her ability to read it.

"Pimples-without-Partners, Bud?" Kelly asked.

Bud angrily snatched the card from Kelly and put it in his pocket. "Oh yeah, well where were you? Doing another one-night stand?"

Kelly looked a little embarrassed and said, "Bud…I know we may not get along much, but I need you to keep a secret. Please, I'm begging you. Whatever you do, you can't tell Mom and Dad."

"Okay," Bud said, eager to find out what the secret was.

"All right, well, I went to the doctor's today, and it turns out…I'm pregrant," Kelly said nervously.

Bud could tell that this situation was truly more tense than usual and that Kelly was genuinely concerned. However, he couldn't help but raise his eyebrow. "Pregrant? Don't you mean pregnant?" he asked. His stupid sister was notorious for butchering commonly used words.

"Yeah…" Kelly said slowly.

Bud's eyes widened. This really was the real deal. He had always hinted at Kelly's promiscuous activities before, and while her parents didn't seem to approve, they rarely, if ever, punished or scolded her. But somehow, both Bud and Kelly realized that things weren't going to be as whimsical or comical as they had seemed to be for the past several years. And as far as Bud was concerned, this gave him a wonderful opportunity to get back at Kelly for all the virgin jokes she had made about him. This would make him untouchable. A smile came to his face and said, "Oh my God, Kel, I knew this was coming! You're really gonna get it now. Just imagine what Dad's gonna do when he finds out. I mean, you've been a slut this whole time, but now that you've got a baby coming…man, I would not want to be you right now…"

"Dad's not gonna find out, 'cause you aren't gonna tell him! You promised!" Kelly snapped. "And if you do, I'm gonna pulverize you and stab Isis with a needle."

"Nooo!" wailed Bud. "Not Isis!" Isis was Bud's blow-up girl doll that he often used as a substitute for the real thing, and he could never do without her. Perhaps he wasn't as untouchable as he thought.

Suddenly, Al poked his head out from the bedroom and looked down at his children. His thinning brown hair had become unruly, and he looked simply defeated after suffering sex with Peggy. "What the hell's going on down there?" Al asked. "I heard you yelling."

"Kelly's pregnant!" Bud blurted without thinking but then realized he shouldn't have said that. Kelly gave him a hard jab in the stomach and then pounded him in the face a few times. Kelly turned to her father to see what his reaction was. All Al did was fall over and pass out. Kelly knew she was in for it once Al woke up again.