Can we ever get rid of the whats and the ifs
That doubts that exist in our minds
In the silence I am tricked into thinking you'll forget
And I'll be stranded like a man in a mine
- Between by Courrier
ELENA
Rationally, Stefan is the logical choice. Slow and steady and quiet - comfortable. It's like I'm in this bubble – safe, contained, and somehow too perfect. Ever since I turned, there's a constant sense of anxiety hovering on the periphery of everything he does. As though I'm about to lose control, fall off the pedestal I've been so lovingly placed on. He thought I was flawless, and it's become…exhausting to try and live up to his expectations. Would that be so bad, to lose control, just once?
I don't know where that came from. There's so much going on in my head right now, unorganized thoughts and memories tangled like knotted seaweed. But I can't stop thinking about Damon.
I closed my eyes for a minute, remembering.
"Damon, don't go there." I shook my head, feeling my heart plummet and rise as if it couldn't quite decide which way to go.
He stepped closer. "I just have to say it once. You need to hear it." He paused, his eyes soft and achingly vulnerable. "I love you, Elena." My heart pounded. He tilted his head. "But I don't deserve you." Words were stuck in my throat. My mind was screaming at me to say something, but nothing came out. I felt mesmerized by his gaze, intense and curiously bright. His thumb gently stroked my jaw. "God, I wish you didn't have to forget this," he whispered.
I remember now. God, he makes me feel like…nothing I've ever felt before. Being with him is like being trapped in a supernova - flash and burn, soar and crash, sizzle and explode. Terrifying and consuming, brilliant and devastating all at once. And through all that, I feel like I can just be…me. Slightly crazy, obsessively neurotic, and very definitely flawed, yet somehow there's no fear he'll ever even judge me. I know what I wanted when I was human. And it's not the same anymore.
DAMON
Loving Elena is a little like what I'd imagine being addicted to drugs is like. My own little brand of heroin, personalized just for me. And Stefan, apparently. I crave her presence. I need her, the same way I need blood. I fell in love with her, even while I told myself I didn't need her. But then I try being away from her and it's shit. It's like going through withdrawal. I feel like I'm trying to live off of Stefan's goddamn bunny diet when all I really want is some pulsing AB positive straight from the throat of a fucking sorority girl. I wake up from dreams so vivid I could swear it was real – that she's actually there in the flesh instead of a phantom memory pushing itself into my consciousness. You wonder how something that feels so fucking good can possibly cause this much damage to my already questionable psyche. I still don't know the answer to that. I think I love her so much it can't possibly be healthy. But I've tried being without her – and it's not any fucking better. It's worse.
I don't know when exactly I fell in love with her. All those little moments of impossible attraction – stolen glances, whispered confessions, less-than-heroic rescues, even a kiss or two thrown in there – they add up, I guess. Hell, I don't know. All I do know is that I can't seem to live without her. Which poses a gigantic pain-in-the-ass fucking problem for me, as she's in love with my brother.
"It's Stefan. It will always be Stefan!"
Well, that lovely memory is seared into my retina for the rest of eternity.
Please review! Suggestions, comments, helpful criticism all welcome. I'll go more into plot and such after this. x