Happy birthday, Bea-utiful. You must be a vampire because you look fang-tastic for your age. Yes, I went there. ;)
"I'm really tired of your shit, Theo," Blaise said, staring at his reflection in the mirror. He was practising the speech he would deliver when he next saw his best friend. He ran his fingers through his hair and took a deep breath before continuing, "I want to grab you by your hair and drag you over to Granger before slamming your heads together and then demanding you snog each other until one of you either faints or dies."
"Are you talking to yourself again?"
Blaise let out a high-pitched squeal as he whirled around, his heart pounding against his ribs. Draco was leaning against the doorway, his arms crossed over his chest, and his left eyebrow raised high, a small smirk playing on his lips.
"Don't scare me like that!" Blaise whined, turning back to the mirror, but the big speech he had been preparing had already died on his lips. He tried to remember what he had been memorising, but Draco's presence had messed everything up.
"What are you doing anyway?"
"I'm… preparing a speech for Theo," Blaise admitted, his shoulders drooping. Now that he had admitted it out loud, Blaise decided to finally let all his feelings out.
He whirled around and wrung his hands as he started ranting, "I'm so tired of him lounging around in my flat with that depressed-hobo beard of his and those stupid Muggle sweatpants that don't even hug his arse properly, and he wears that ridiculous cologne because he thinks Granger will like it even though it smells like a cow just died while giving birth, and I just want to smoosh their little faces together and force them to snog and shag like bunnies because the sexual tension is killing me—"
"You didn't have to tell me all that. It's not like I actually care," Draco said with a roll of his eyes. He cautiously edged backwards away from the ranting Blaise. "I was just being polite."
Flailing his arms around, Blaise stormed up to Draco, backing him towards the door. "—I can't even invite Ginny over anymore because the last time we were shagging on the couch, Theo walked in and began crying about how much he missed Granger and the way she always sucked him off like a Sugar Quill before they went to bed, and Ginny actually started to talking to him while riding my—"
"Please, stop," Draco whispered, his eyes wide with horror. He was still walking backwards, trying to keep Blaise at a distance, but Blaise didn't care.
"—cock, and I lost my boner, Draco. Even Umbridge didn't make my cock shrivel up and want to die. It's an outrage, a scandal—it was just like the time Potter kissed Chang, but the witch was crying. You remember spying on him that day, don't you? You couldn't stop whining about that."
"Keep me out of this," Draco said quickly.
Blaise slammed his hands on either side of Draco's head and caged him against the wall. "You couldn't stop complaining to everyone in Slytherin—and even those random Hufflepuffs who accidentally found themselves locked in the same classroom as you had to suffer through your rants—and this situation is just like that, but this one is worse because both Granger and Theo are too damn stubborn to confess they want each other back as more than just friends with benefits—"
"Really, Blaise, stop comparing Potter and me to those two—"
"—I mean why can't they just sit down and have a nice little chat about how much they love each other and want to make adorable little babies with brown hair and brown eyes and an intelligence that rivals ol' Dumbledore's—"
"You've thought a lot about Theo's babies, haven't you?" Draco placed his hands on Blaise's chest and tried to push him away, but Blaise didn't budge.
"—and the babies would help me take over the world because I'd be their best uncle ever and you would be the annoying uncle who doesn't let them eat sweets before their bedtime because you're an asshole and you weren't allowed to eat sweets as a child, so you're taking this out on the poor Theomione kids—"
"Theomione? What the hell? You've lost your marbles—that's a Muggle saying, by the way. Potter taught it to me; he said it means you've lost your mind," Draco said, puffing his chest.
Blaise stopped talking and stared at Draco.
"What? Don't look at me like that! You're the one who was going on and on about imaginary 'Theomione' kids," Draco said defensively.
"You need help, mate," Blaise stated before finally pulling away. He turned around and ran his fingers through his short hair. "I'm just so… tired of Theo's shit. My flat is mine and I want it back."
"Why don't you do something about it then?" Draco challenged loudly, and Blaise stopped dead in his tracks.
A deviously wicked idea began to form in Blaise's mind, and he slowly turned on his heel to stare at Draco, who had immediately paled as soon as the words had left his mouth. Blaise's lips began to pull up in a wicked grin.
Draco shook his head repeatedly. "Blaise, no…"
"Blaise, yes…" Blaise rubbed his hands gleefully and paced up and down the room. "I'll need to use a cow, a dildo, some alcohol, and—"
"I don't know what you're going to do, but might I suggest just handcuffing them together and locking them in a room?" Draco said before Blaise could finish monologuing about his brilliant plan.
Blaise scowled. "My plan is more interesting—"
"Well, my plan won't get you arrested by the Aurors and the Muggle poo-lease. Last time you sacrificed a cow, your neighbours thought you were murdering someone in here."
Blaise shook his head, but he knew Draco was, unfortunately, right. "But I don't want to—"
"Too bad. We're using my plan, and that's it."
"Stop pissing on my parade," Blaise whined.
"I'm not pissing on anything! Why would you say something so crude?" Draco cried, horrified. "What does that even mean?"
"That means you're ruining my fun, Mother," Blaise grumbled, crossing his arms and pouting. "Can't you let me enjoy myself? Theo's been annoying me the most; I deserve some fun."
"If I let you enjoy yourself, you'll be thrown into Azkaban without a trial," Draco stated, refusing to budge. "We're doing this my way. Is that clear?"
"Fine," Blaise muttered. His pout suddenly disappeared as another idea began to form in his mind, but to his irritation, Draco shook his head immediately.
"No. We're not using Veritaserum or Polyjuice or any other potion that can be classified as deceitful."
"Ugh, you're so mean!"
As soon as Draco had plied Theo with enough drinks (that Blaise had secretly laced with Veritaserum and a Compulsion Potion despite Draco's warnings), Blaise glued a picture of Hermione's face on a stick and lured Theo out of the seedy bar.
It was too easy; Blaise was a bit disappointed at how easy it was to lure Theo back home. He had hoped there would be more of a commotion or Theo would be suspicious of what was going on, but his stupid best friend only sobbed pitifully as he trailed after the Hermione-stick like a lost puppy.
Finally, Blaise led Theo into his flat. Theo kept on blubbering and trying to grab hold of the stick and crying, "I'm sorry, baby, come back to me, please," on repeat, and Blaise was a hair's breadth away from hexing the idiot.
Just then, Draco Apparated into the flat with a loud crack, his eyebrows singed and soot all over his bloodied face. His expensive shirt was ripped to shreds and his tattered pants hung off his narrow hips.
Draco held an unconscious Hermione by the back of her collar.
"Merlin's beard, D! What happened to you?" Blaise cried, horrified by the blood and soot on Draco's face. "Did Granger—"
"It was that bastard cat of hers. He wasn't happy with how I knocked Granger out with a pan. Still, I'm going to make Granger pay for all this physical and emotional damage." Angrily, Draco shoved the witch towards the still-wailing Theo, who quickly lunged forward and scooped her up into his arms.
"My precious, my precious," Theo sobbed, burying his face in Hermione's hair.
When Blaise noticed Draco's glare, he shrugged and said, "He read The Hobbit five times in a row last week. Kept on rambling about how Gollum was like a poor house-elf—which obviously reminded him of Granger and her SPEW bullshit."
"Of course. Why am I not surprised?" Draco muttered. He reached up and touched the long scars on his face, wincing at the pain. "How bad is it? Tell me honestly."
Blaise hesitated before admitting, "You look… rugged."
"I'm going to skin that cat if it's the last thing I do," Draco hissed, storming towards Blaise's bedroom.
Blaise couldn't stop himself. "In other words, you're going to destroy that pu—"
"Don't. You. Dare. Finish. That. Sentence," Draco spat, slamming the door behind him. Blaise snickered at his reaction before turning towards Theo.
Theo was still holding Hermione to his chest, sniffling and wiping his tears on her shoulder. His arms were wrapped around her waist, his brown hair was tickling Hermione's nose, which twitched even in her unconscious state.
Blaise grimaced at how pathetic they both looked, but he simply locked down the Floo and erected Anti-Apparition wards around the flat. Then, he Levitated Theo and Hermione onto the couch and declared loudly, "The moment I leave, she'll wake up, so you better get ready to grovel at her feet or whatever she requires. Until this conflict is resolved, the wards won't let you leave. Understood?"
Theo sniffled as he looked up at Blaise, his eyes red and cheeks pink. "O-Okay."
"You sure you'll talk it out?"
"Y-Yes."
"Are you sure? Because I really don't want to listen to your whining any longer. I swear I'll kick you out. If Granger doesn't agree to be yours, promise me you'll try to move on." Blaise knew Theo loved the witch too much to agree to what he had just ordered.
"I can't promise you that," Theo murmured, lowering his head to look at Hermione in his arms. He reached up to caress her cheek and whispered, "I can't live without her, Blaise… I just can't."
"Then, you know what to do, don't you?" Blaise asked pointedly, walking backwards towards his bedroom door.
Just then, the door opened and Draco was about to enter the living room, but Blaise grabbed his arm and shoved him back into the bedroom. Draco cried out, "Hey, what are you—"
Blaise called out to Theo, "Good luck, mate!" Then, he ran into the room, slammed the door behind him, and waited for the shouting match to start.
Draco glared at him when he pressed his ear to the door to eavesdrop, but Blaise didn't care; he would have used the Extendable Ears, but unfortunately, Draco had destroyed his the last time Blaise had tried to listen in on Potter and Draco shagging. Blaise motioned for Draco to listen to the conversation too, and the blond reluctantly came over to stand beside him. Blaise rolled his eyes and grabbed Draco's hair, dragging him closer to the door.
"Oww! Let go of my hair," Draco whisper-yelled, struggling to get his hair out of Blaise's tight grip. "Only Potter gets to touch my beautiful hair and that's only after he washes his filthy hands!"
"Shut up, no one wants to hear about your love life," Blaise whispered, rolling his eyes.
"But my love life is better than Theo's—"
"Shh! No one cares! Now let me listen to the better couple: Theomione." Blaise pinched Draco's forearm, but the action (along with the claim) probably enraged Draco further. The next thing Blaise knew, Draco was wrestling him onto the floor and throwing punches that he couldn't have learned from anyone else but Granger.
"Hey, hey, sto—" Draco landed a really powerful punch to Blaise's stomach, and Blaise squealed and tried to buck him off. "Okay, now you're just being an ars—"
Draco used his thighs to roll them away from the door, but then, Blaise's head smacked against the doorframe, and his vision went hazy.
"Oh, shit," Draco whispered, his eyes wide with shock.
'I'm going to kill Draco.'
With that last thought, everything went black.
Meanwhile, outside, the moment Blaise had sprinted into the bedroom and slammed the door shut behind him, the sound echoing through the now-silent house, Hermione's eyes snapped open.
Theo stiffened when her eyes landed on him, but he didn't let go of her. He finally had her in his arms after three pitiful months of self-loathing, pining, and endless tearful apologies that he didn't have the courage to send to her; he had been too ashamed of himself.
"What is going on?" Hermione asked cautiously, trying to pull away from him. The feeling of her wriggling against him was too much for his poor heart; it only reminded him of the times she would rub up against him before he bent her over the nearest surface.
Theo reluctantly placed her down on the couch beside him. "I think Draco kidnapped you and brought you here."
"Why?" Hermione scowled as she stood up, swaying a little on the spot. Theo immediately reached out to help her, but she pulled away as if stung; Theo winced at her reaction, his heart cracking. She sat back down on the couch reaching up to massage her temples.
Theo couldn't stop himself from blurting out the truth. "They want us to talk about us."
"There's nothing to talk about when there is no us." Hermione refused to look at him or acknowledge him, and it crushed Theo's heart.
A loud thud and a crash sounded from inside the bedroom, but Theo ignored the sound. There were far more important things to focus on. He swallowed, trying to mask his nervousness as he said, "I want there to be an us…"
Hermione's head snapped up at his declaration, her eyes wide. "But… you said…"
"I was lying," Theo blurted out, his heart still aching at the look of hurt and suspicion on her face. "I don't want to be your friend anymore—"
"I know you don't like me like that, but you don't have to be so rude—"
"—because I want you to be my girlfriend, my wife, the mother to my four children," Theo said quickly, unable to stop himself from rambling on like a fool. It was now or never.
"I love you so much it's not even funny anymore—not that loving you is funny. I can't stop thinking about you all the time, and I just want to wrap you up in a burrito blanket like you showed me the other day and keep you safe and sound in my arms for all eternity."
Hermione's brown eyes were filled with tears, and her nose began to redden. But before she could interrupt him, Theo went on, "I just want to keep running my fingers through your soft hair and shove you up against the wall and have my wicked way with you—not that I would ever force you into doing anything you don't want to. You could easily hex me before I could even say something—"
Hermione raised her hand and covered Theo's mouth, her fingers sliding through his thick beard. "Stop talking."
Theo immediately did as she had ordered. Hermione stayed silent for a few moments, her eyes glazed over as she thought things through, and the silence began to unnerve Theo. He shifted a little, fidgeted with the hem of his shirt, and tried not to breathe too deeply, not wanting Hermione's palm to become sweaty.
"You… You want me to be your girlfriend?" Hermione's brow was furrowed, her hand still on his mouth. Was that the only thing she had understood from his emotion-filled speech?
"Yes," Theo breathed out hopefully. He tried not to grimace when his alcohol-scented breath hit him. "I also want you to marry me and—"
"And be the mother to our four children, yes. You said that already," Hermione mumbled.
Her cheeks turned a delicious shade of pink that reminded him of pink lemonade of all things. He remembered drinking the strange concoction with her one evening while at Hogwarts and the way her tongue had peeked out to swipe at the stray drops on her lower lip. He remembered the way he had shot out of his seat, picked her up and thrown her over his shoulder before making his way to the bedroom.
He was brought out of his trip down memory lane when Hermione hesitated for a second and removed her hand from his mouth. "Why four?"
"Because they will always be in pairs and won't feel left out of anything," Theo explained, his face warming at his admission. "Merlin, you're going to hex me! I can't believe I'm talking to you about our future children when you haven't even agreed to be my girlfriend yet."
Hermione's lips twitched, but fortunately, she didn't hit him for his bold statement. Instead, she tilted her head to the side and looked at him from under her beautiful lashes; the sight never failed to make his heart palpitate and his hands sweat. "Are you sure about this? Because you said—"
"I was an idiot. Never listen to what I say because I lie all the time even though I don't really want to," Theo said, trying to get his point across.
"Then why did you lie to me when I asked you if you wanted to continue our agreement or not? You said that we were only friends with benefits and nothing more—"
Theo grabbed her hands in his and held them to his chest, hoping she would understand. "I was terrified you'd say that we were only shagging because we were both stressed during our NEWTs and our job interviews and because of our strange hours at work, and I couldn't think straight, so I lied. Please, please, forgive me. Come back to me. Be mine. Please. I can't live without you, I swear. These past few months have been absolutely terrible. I spent most of my time crying like a pathetic idiot because I missed you so, so much; I'm pretty sure I made Blaise's life a living hell. He's going to kick me out of his flat if I can't get you to agree to be my girlfriend at least."
Hermione was quiet, gazing up at him. Theo's heart was pounding against his ribs as he waited for her to say something—anything.
Finally, Hermione said, "You really hurt me, you know… I thought we were at least friends, but then…"
"I'm really sorry—you have no idea how sorry I am," Theo said, kissing her knuckles and flipping her hands to kiss her wrists and palms. He gazed up at her adoringly and whispered, "I would marry you right this second if you said yes. That's how serious I am about you, about us."
Hermione stared at him. Theo had learnt how to read her face early on in their 'relationship'; by the tilt of her head and the far-off look in her eyes, he knew she was considering forgiving him. His heart soared at the thought of finally calling her 'his', but he tried not to let his excitement show.
Hermione sighed and slowly nodded. "Okay, I'll forgive you, but you have to promise me something first."
"Anything," Theo blurted out, tightening his hold on her hands. "By Merlin, I would do anything for you."
"You don't have to do everything for me. Just promise me two things, actually," she said, taking a deep breath. She shifted on the couch, her knee brushing against his. "First of all, promise me you won't lie to me again. I don't care how bitter the truth is—I want you to be honest."
"I promise." Theo kissed her fingertips and lowered their hands to his lap. "I'll never lie to you again; I never want to go through that pain ever again. Now… What's the second thing?"
Hermione licked her lower lip as she looked at his jaw hungrily. "Second, promise me you won't get rid of your beard. I find I'm"–she reached up to run her fingers through his beard, and the sensation of her nails scratching against his skin made him whimper loudly–"interested in it."
His lips stretched into a wide smile at her words. "You like my beard?"
"Yes," she murmured, sliding closer to him, her hand still on the lower half of his face. Her eyes flickered up to meet his own, a delightful little blush spreading on her cheeks. "It's very… attractive."
Theo couldn't help but grin. "I'll have to trim it a bit, but I won't get rid of it if that's what you want, I promise."
By the look in Hermione's eyes, Theo knew she was pleased with his decision. He couldn't help himself: he wound his arms around her waist and brought her flush against his chest.
She gasped and cupped his face, and Theo let out a low-pitched whine at the feel of her soft hands on his jaw.
"I missed this," he whispered, unable and unwilling to stop himself from admitting the truth. After all, she wanted to hear the truth, didn't she? His eyes misted over and a lump formed in his throat as he leaned into her hand, nuzzling her palm. "I missed you."
"I missed you too," she murmured and smiled when Theo sniffled. "Are you crying?"
"N—Yes," he muttered, a tear running down his cheek.
Before he could reach up to get rid of it, Hermione used the pad of her thumb to wipe it away. Her gaze was soft and her smile melted his heart.
"You're adorable," she murmured, tilting her head up and pressing a soft kiss to his jaw. Theo melted at the feeling and immediately tilted his head to capture her lips with his, but she pulled away.
Slightly stung by the rejection, Theo frowned, but Hermione ran her fingers through his beard and murmured, "You stink and you're drunk. I'm not kissing you tonight. Why don't you come find me in the morning, hmm?"
"You're leaving?" Theo stammered, immediately bringing her closer. He ran his fingers through her hair and hummed. "Please, don't leave. Stay with me."
"I shouldn't… Crookshanks might be worried," Hermione said, nibbling on her lower lip. Her brow was slightly furrowed, which was a clear sign that she could be persuaded.
Theo tightened his arm around her and lowered his head to nuzzle her shoulder. "Come on… Please… Stay with me. We don't have to do anything—we'll just sleep and I'll try to keep my hands to myself and probably fail, but it's the thought that counts, right?"
Hermione chuckled and kissed the corner of his mouth; Theo desperately wanted to turn his head and feel her lips on his, but he refrained from doing so.
When she murmured, "Okay, I'll stay, but you don't have to keep your hands to yourself," Theo almost squealed in excitement. He dropped her onto the couch and immediately lowered himself on top of her. Placing his head on her shoulder, he closed his eyes and smiled. "This feels nice."
Her body trembled with suppressed laughter underneath his, and Theo's mouth went dry. He gripped her waist and tried his best not to let his hands trail. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and began running her fingers through his hair, humming under her breath.
"Go to sleep, Theo," she whispered against his forehead, and Theo melted in her arms.
He finally had her for his own. Sure, she hadn't told him she loved him or wanted to marry him, but she had agreed to be his girlfriend, right? That was enough for him... for now. Images of him chasing after brown-haired, blue-eyed children while Hermione laughed nearby sent him to sleep with a wide smile on his face. He swore to himself he would have that one day.